Valid take: Crowley fell in love with Aziraphale since he said he gave away the flaming sword, and has been holding out for that love ever since.
Also valid take, but less talked about: Crowley slowly fell in love with Aziraphale over the millennia, the same way Aziraphale did. Maybe with sliiiiightly more awareness of what was happening, because he doesn’t have as much repression and denial to wade through. But it still caught up with him unawares.
Hottest of hot takes that my brain won’t stop screaming about: the full force of Crowley’s feelings didn’t barrel into him like a flaming Bentley until Aziraphale gives him the holy water. That’s when it’s pedal-to-the-metal, no-stopping-this-beating-heart, holy shit I love him and he loves me, that’s what this has been this whole time.
Which means….AZIRAPHALE HAD HIS OH SHIT MOMENT….BEFORE CROWLEY
!!!!!!!!!!!
ANOTHER TAKE I SAW RECENTLY AND COULDNT GET OUT OF MY HEAD was that Crowley fell in love with Aziraphale at the wall of Eden, but he didn’t realize it until the BOOKSHOP FIRE
Which… makes sense because of the music changing from You’re My Best Friend toSOMEBODY TO LOVE.
So yeah, he was totally pining the entire time, and it was probably agony, but he didn’t know what he wanted that he didn’t already have.… until he thought it had been taken away for good.
That would imply Crowley had yet to realise it when they were with Warlock. In this scenario he thinks Aziraphale is his Best Friend, right?
Cue Nanny being quite worried when Warlock begins school, because surely 6 years old Warlock is way too young to have that kind of intense relationship
See, I don’t think Crowley has a hard distinction between friendship and romance. Like. How much basis for comparison could he possibly have? To him it’s just one long increasingly intense stream of emotional attachment, which begins when the angel proves just how different he is.
But it’s hard to pinpoint exactly when anything shifts, partly because there are so many gaps in their onscreen history. Like, for my money, he’s showing full-on affection and is at least somewhat smitten by the time they’re at the Globe, but there’s such a gap before then, it could have happened any time in the last several centuries. But there are definitely romantic overtones by then. He’s just so damn weak to those puppy-dog eyes.
As to when he realizes it, that’s a whole other question. But personally… again, I don’t think there was actually a big ‘aha!’ moment for Crowley. I’m inclined to think that epiphanies are more Aziraphale’s thing, and that Crowley’s been low-key aware of how he feels for a long time. Like after he saves the books, he ducks his head and avoids eye contact before walking away. I think he’s well aware of the gesture he’s making there.
There is a huge impact to the holy water scene, though. Because I think - just my theory - that’s when Crowley realizes Aziraphale loves him back just as intensely. Az has always been so reserved about their relationship, keeping a distance, using euphemistic language, and rarely making the big leaps forward; it’s almost always Crowley making a move. And yet here he is choosing to give Crowley this immense gift, out of sheer concern for his well-being, in the most personal way possible (a fucking tartan thermos), before dropping that absolutely LOADED line. Yeah. I think that’s when it hits Crowley that his feelings might actually be reciprocated.
A clear distinction between friendship and romance might not be sensible to a being of an inherently sexless species. Even if they can feel a human-like sexual attraction because of their human-ish bodies (which I’m not sold on at all), it’s probably not an instinct that comes to them naturally. They are clearly naturally affectionate, aka do form friendship bonds (at Eden they’re both still fairly uninfluenced by humanity, haven’t been incorporated long and both clearly show signs of liking each other one way or another), but does the distinction humans make make sense? What is a romantic relationship if you take away sexual desires and expressions of affection? People make it sound like friendship isn’t love. But it is. You love your friends, and you especially love your best friend. People who say a best friendship isn’t as close and intense as a romantic relationship might not actually have had a real best friend before.
But I want to make a point aside of frustration with our society’s looking down on friendships, and that point is that both “friendship” and “romance” are human labels, and what is considered appropriate under either of those labels has been changing alot in just the last couple of centuries of human history. Crowley and Aziraphale have been around for all this time.
Romantic relationships were not always the most intellectually and emotionally intimate relationship for people to have. For a long time, marriages were formed not by affection, but primarily by political and financial concerns. To make sure there were heirs, to combine two farms or kingdoms, that sort of thing. You could hope to get along well with your spouse, and some spouses certainly grew to love one another, but marriage was often a bond made for practical considerations, rather than emotional ones. If you were a king or duke or whatnot, you might have an affair with someone you loved. The normal peasant couldn’t afford that sort of thing in the long run. Lots of trouble. Friendships and familial relationships like those between siblings were what you got your closeness and support from, either instead of or in addition to your marriage.
For a long while, people romantised friendships the way today’s culture romantises romance. Have you ever read epic Irish folk tales, stories of blood brothers and what we today would probably describe as platonic soulmates? Or for example the late 19th century novels of German author Karl May, full of characters in life-long best friendships that today’s readers will interpret more as queerplatonic partnerships or as homoerotic subtext, depending on how they squint at the text? Or the full blown love letters adressed to friends they found from the 17th to 19th century? At this time, in Western culture the concept of a “romantic friendship” came up, a relationship type that some researchers think has existed before, but then became more visible, because romantic relationships (the modern interpretation of them) came more into focus and especially physical affection between friends started to be considered weird (a trend that ended in what we have today).
Today, if you want to cuddle a best friend or hold their hand or share a house and a life with them, you’ll have to negotiate the relationship terms, because right now these things are monopolised by romantic relationships. That was not always the case, and it’s probably worth noting that it isn’t actually very healthy for humans to live that way. We’re capable of lots of different loving bonds and to limit emotional intimacy to one type of them might be one reason we have things like today’s loneliness epidemic going on.
But the point was historical relationship types.
Some of these historic close friendships were certainly homosexual partnerships hidden in more or less plain sight, but that doesn’t change that for centuries, it was quite normal to be a lot more affectionate and emotionally open about your close friendships. Crowley and Aziraphale casually reference events from hundreds of years ago. Time means little to angels and demons. The by comparison rapid changing of human relationship labels must be all sorts of confusing.
Is it surprising that Crowley doesn’t have a clear distinction? Or, that he chooses to call his attachment to Aziraphale “best friend”? It’s the much more long standing term for what they have. Angels/demons seem to naturally form friendships, so it’s probably a concept he was familiar with already (there were probably friendships between angels in Heaven before the Fall). And as a being to whom human-ish attraction of a more sexual nature might well not come naturally, he’s stuck observing humans and their relationships to make sense of the terms they use. Now, especially considering the history, observe a close knit friendship and a romantic relationship. What’s the difference? It’s not the emotional closeness. It’s more like the physical expression (kissing, sex).
Crowley and Aziraphale don’t kiss and have sex. At least not on screen. Whether or not they will do so after Armageddon isn’t relevant to the time during the series. Crowley looks at his relationship with Aziraphale, and goes “yes, he’s the most important being in my life, I’d do anything for him, he knows me best out of everyone in existence, even if the whole world ends in a puddle of burning goo, he’s what I’ll try to save, without him my life is meaningless, but we don’t kiss and don’t fuck” and concludes “best friends!” It makes sense, doesn’t it?
Excuse me for rambling. The above points aside, I do agree that Crowley grows to love Aziraphale slowly and over time, but is definitely at a near present day level of affection for him at the globe. He’s looking at him so fondly, and yes, so weak for the puppy eyes. (Which isn’t necessarily a romantic thing either; I’m super weak for puppy eyes from my sister and my best friend, and reasonably weak for it from other friends, so weakness to manipulation by puppy eyes is probably individually different and Crowley might just have a bad case of it.)
But I’ll buy Crowley being in love one way or another at the globe, and the thermos being his moment of “wow, he likes me back”.
No no, don’t apologise for rambling, it was delightful
Oh yeah, hard agree. I admit I have a knee-jerk reaction to characters being relegated to ‘just friends’ - not because that’s actually a lesser thing in any way, but because it’s been used as a method of queer erasure for SO long. But of course that only applies if you’re restricting the definition of friendship the way we tend to do now. Friendships from a couple centuries ago were like… well, let’s just say ‘no homo’ did not appear to be a concern then. Actually beinggay was a huge taboo, but you were allowed to kiss and hug your friends and sit on their laps, so it’s a very confusing time to look back on from the 21st century.
I myself am not clear on the distinction between romantic and non-romantic. I thought I had it more or less figured out, based on broad societal consensus, but then I read aro posts that clearly depict physical and emotional intimacy with friends, and was introduced to the ‘queerplatonic’ label, and now I’m pretty much dead convinced of what I’ve suspected for a long time: that we’ve been painting lines around relationships that have no objective basis whatsoever, that all of the distinctions are just shades on a spectrum instead of the separate categories they’re treated as.
And if anyone knows that, it’s Aziraphale and Crowley. They both pick up a LOT from humans and emulate societal changes to some extent, at least on the surface. But I don’t think it sinks in for them. The same way that Crowley presents as what we call genderfluid, but probably doesn’t identify as genderfluid, because he doesn’t have a gender identity at all in the sense that human beings do… they also have no need to make distinctions in relationships as humans do. And they’ve been watching our distinctions evolve for millennia, so they know we’re just making it all up.
For my money, their relationship falls under the current western colloquial definition of romantic. They literally follow the beats of a love story all the way through. But individual definitions of romance might require more touching, or an element of sexual attraction, or solid declarations of ‘I love you (in that certain way)’, all of which are lacking here. So it’s very much a subjective call. Basically I think that… well, in the same way that they aren’t technically autistic or ADHD, because they don’t have human neurochemistry, but they functionally are, because they have their own weird wiring that produces analogous results? By the same token, they aren’t bound to human relationship labels, but their feelings are more or less analogousto romantic ones in humans - or, what would be broadly defined as romantic in today’s setting. Because, again, ultimately it’s all made up.
Now,Aziraphale I think has ‘aha!’ moments, but that’s because of repression and his impressive capacity for lying to himself. It has nothing to do with being tangled up in human labels and everything to do with not even being able to admit that he likes Crowley in any way, because that would make him a truly Bad Angel.
Yes, hard agree in turn. I hate the “just friends” thing, yes also because it’s queer erasure, but for the most part for the very personal reason that as an ace person who engages in neither kissing nor sex, all my significant relationships end up being called that, and consequently disregarded as “not so important or meaningful”. So, I’ll acknowledge that there’s personal baggage here.
Kinda also in terms of personal baggage, I’m really with you about it being shades on a spectrum rather than clearly defined lines. I have never seen the lines. The lines are arbitrary and meaningless from my perspective. If you remove sex, what’s the difference? And, sex is in no way equal to emotional intimacy and closeness, no matter what society wants us to think.
I love takes of them that don’t lock them into all those human categories. I love to see them in a friendship that’s also romantic, because really, why did the silly humans get rid of it? It was such a good concept. There’s potential for fic where they just confuse the hell out of humans around them, because they’ll refer to each other as friends, but then Crowley will sit in Aziraphale’s lap like he belongs there, or they’ll be holding hands in public, and people around them think they’re just messing with them.
I also love a Crowley who’s like “Gender? I’m a demon. I don’t need one of those. If humans think you need to pick your clothes based on something silly like that, it’s your loss, watch me wear high heels with tight lady jeans and a cool men’s shirt and tie, suckers”.
Arguably, also categories like autistic or ADHD are limiting boxes. Even in humans, it’s probably a spectrum, and things that are helpful for people inside one box might be also helpful for people who don’t quite fit into it, but almost. Interestingly, also autism and ADHD are relatively new labels, historically. The conditions of being that way are as old as humans, but the names, the categories, are relatively new. Just a few decades ago, they published medical texts on how autism is caused by bad parenting. The echos of such nonsense unfortunately still linger today, even though we have a much better understanding of things now. And in ten years, today’s understanding might seem stupid. Given that, you gotta wonder how long-lived beings like Aziraphale and Crowley feel about this type of thing?
You use a good term in saying “analogous”. “Analogous” really works for me, for the relationship labels, the gender, and the autism/ADHD-like attributes. Not the same as it is for humans, but analogous to it. :-)
Agreed about Aziraphale, too. Aziraphale’s main mode is denial, so he doesn’t topple the house of cards that is his world view, in which Heaven is Good and he’s a good angel and Crowley is a demon and obviously up to no good at all times, because if the house of cards does topple, what is he going to do?
Aziraphale’s story is not one of slowly growing to love someone more and more and then being befuddled about the exact nature of the affection, but more one of queer denial. He has his aha moments about his feelings for Crowley, but he keeps shoving them down. Analogous (love that word!) to a human stubbornly trying to convince themselves they are straight or cis, because it’s terrifying to consider they might not be.
[Felix paced about his quarters, his journal laying open to a blank page.
He was not sure what to write about. Word had reached him that a replacement general had been chosen to take over the vacancy left by the death of the man responsible for giving the orders to crush his resistance by taking his life—but that was the least of his concerns at the moment.
No, he was more concerned for the Xianese conflict that had erupted into open war, per news given by Djinn messengers from both Eoleo and Piers. Piers had left northeastern Angara to head for the Sea of Time and warn them about the conflict—a dangerous journey and a risky move, given his banishment.
He’d had no idea until very recently just how bad the situation in that region had gotten; it had put into perspective Piers’s response that had sparked Felix’s unnecessarily hurt reaction. But he understood, now, and it had indeed come to this.
He wanted to urge Piers to bring his uncle to Lalivero, but how much safer would they really be? They couldn’t even find safety in the north, which had once been a perfectly demure picture of halcyon tranquillity. No—Bilibin was a growing threat there, too, and might choose to make a move.
At least if they came to Lalivero or Prox they would have a fighting chance—but there was nowhere left to run anymore. Not even Izumo would be safe if Xian turned its attention there.
He put his face in his hands, taking in a deep breath. Piers was a smart man; if anyone could find a way out of this, he would be it. There was little he could do from a continent away to help the man, but if he asked, Felix would do everything in his power to send what resources he could.
He sat down at his desk, closing his eyes and tilting his head back as he ruefully thought it all over.
What could he say to his friend now, at a time like this? He could offer no words of consolation…
…only…solidarity.
He opened his blind eyes, staring off into nothing.
Yes,solidarity. And that was a powerful word, was it not? One that had deeper weight behind it, one that would truly mean something.
Even thinking about it gave him a sense of strength.]
Echo.
“Yeah?”
Tell him that he is not alone.
[He sat up straight, his vision coming back to him slowly.]
I know he’s out there taking this on by himself. Source only knows the nightmare he must be facing right now, and I am certain he is under a lot of pressure.
But tell him I will do what I can to aid him. Whatever it takes within my resources and further influence… he does not face this fight alone. Tell him that.
“Anything else?”
[Felix put his face to his hands again and took in a deep breath, resisting the instinct to groan in weary aggravation at the whole affair.]
Not right now, Echo. It’s the middle of the night that far East. He needs what rest he can get, and I can’t think of anything more to say right now that would be of any help.
[With that, he dismissed the Venus Djinn to send the message, and put an elbow on the table as he shifted his weight.
He had a lot to think about, but he had work to do, too.]
No rest for the weary. But someday we shall see the Sun again. It seems all but impossible now… and yet I am all the more convinced it is true. I only pray it is sooner rather than later…
[87 (Send me a number 1-500 and my muse will anonymously talk about yours)]
=-=-=-=
You will not meet many gentler of a soul than this one.
Whenever you go somewhere new, settle in a new life, and leave your old life behind—leave behind the good times, still carrying the pain, exhaustion, loneliness, and fears—it is never easy. Reaching out to try and make new friends in a new setting as a newcomer, a stranger in the community… it is not easy.
And those of some degree of renown or respect in the community can seem too important, too out of reach… unlikely to be interested in speaking to someone who admires their work.
But every once in a while, a lifetime, an age… miracles do happen.
What can be said of one who changes your life; someone who saves it from the darkness? How do you describe the hope given by those who see in you what you do not see, but you trust to be there because you trust them? How can any do justice to the warmth given by someone who carries an echo of the sunlight in years covered by thunderclouds? Is it possible?
It’s worth trying.
Being entirely alone against one’s choice is a… dehumanizing experience. For Man is a social creature. To be alone for too long makes one forget. It makes one survive, not Live. Other people become distant beings to observe, to watch with wariness, longing, and some sense of distrust. Distrust of self, distrust of the chance of welcome. It is maddening, wearing on the sanity, and saps at the will to continue when the sky is covered in clouds.
Imagine living like that for years. For three years, six years, eight years—pursuing bonds that inevitably crumble, or worse… go up in volcanic smoke.
How broken would one grow to be then?
Very.
Such eyes would have forgotten the light of the Sun, would have forgotten the world beyond their fortified den.
But then…
Light.
A kindness is shown, freely, unprompted—by a gentle soul of wondrous talent, greatly respected for mastery in their craft!
Such an experience is not forgotten.
One does not forget being brought out of the darkness and into new vigor of Life.
You learn what things mean: hope, friendship, kindness, mercy, reconciliation, joy…
It is people like her who restore one’s faith in humanity, and in kindness.
When one says, “There is good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for!”, I say this: she is one such person who embodies that goodness that we are called to defend, to protect, to turn back the tides of darkness! Such {[determination/enthusiasm/willpower/spirit/fire]} that burns in the need to see such a soul happy and well, safe and free!
Yes! Such a day shall come again, and until then, I fight for the sunrise: for all of us, and those halcyon days we shall someday once again share in peace!
Today marks one full year of sitting down and drawing something every day. I figured what would be better to draw than what I started this year long challenge in the first place. So here is a good an honest portrait of my best friend, Jesse.
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I wish I had left more time in the day to work on this. Now after a year of building this habit, I hope to work on more detailed art projects that involve a little effort every day.
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Thank you to everyone that has enjoyed and appreciated looking at the stuff I sketched over this last year ♥️
1. Don’t overload your first semester. Starting college is a huge transition and you will likely be more tired than you would be otherwise because you are trying to adjust. Also, college classes go at a different pace than high school, so while taking 4 classes may not sound like much, it has the potential to kill you if you’re not careful
2. Don’t worry if you feel overwhelmed and lonely. First semester sucks for pretty much everyone. It takes a while to find the type of people you can connect with.
3. Start or join a small group. I’m speaking from my experience as a Christian, but this applies to other religions/groups as well. Second semester I started a Bible study for girls with an acquaintance, not only did it provide a weekly spiritual re-centering, the intimate atmosphere of praying, talking and studying the Bible together led to some of the closest friendship I had.
4. Even if you feel insecure, reach out to people. Likely, they’re wishing someone would reach out to them as much as you. Most of the time, people will not find you annoying for initiating conversations or suggesting hang outs. Get to know people in your classes. Even if it’s just the person sitting next to you. Even if they don’t end up being a close friend, it’s really nice to have at least one familiar person with you.Go to events. It will be scary. You will not know people. You may be miserable. You may come away having met or made friends with no one. But eventually, you will start to recognize people. And even that is valuable when you don’t know anyone. It helps you feel a lot less lost.
5. Stay out of relationships until you have a solid girlfriend base. Let’s be real, relationships don’t always succeed, and not having a good support group can make a break up a hundred times worth.Don’t be afraid to drift from your high school friends, but also don’t cut them off. It’s good to explore new friendships, but high school friends can be dependable, long term friends that can be there for you in the absence of new friendships.
6. Confidence and kindness go a long way in making friends. If you are confident and kind, it is safe to assume assume that people like you.
7. Don’t neglect your spiritual life. It’s so easy to do when you’re so busy, but finding a church community can be a great source of community. Connecting with God can help a lot with loneliness and fear.
8. Don’t stay up too late even tho you have the freedom to do so. IT’S NOT WORTH IT! Getting enough sleep will help with avoiding the freshman 15, help you do better in classes and overall make you feel better.
9. If you hate your major, give it at least a semester, but after that don’t be afraid to change it. Everyone has moments of doubt about their major, but make sure you aren’t confusing overwhelmed-ness for dislike of your major. Also, first semester you’re often taking pre-reqs so five yourself time to actually see what real classes in the major are like
your friend comes over a lot, but they keep talking about your coffee maker. every time, they tell you about how awesome your coffee maker is. they think its a compliment. they hint about how they want you to make coffee for them. sometimes they even come into your house to make themselves coffee. though they assure you it’s you they like, they never spend any time more than necessary getting to know you and spending time with you. it doesn’t take too long for you to realize that they don’t actually like you, they just like your coffee.
don’t let it be harder to realize in relationships. girls, you have a body. you are not your body. you have boobs. you are not your boobs. you have a butt. you are not your butt. guys comment on you on your body, thinking it’s a compliment to you but it isn’t. it’s like telling you they like you because of your coffee maker or your car or your dining room table, or couch or any other thing that you own.
the other day, one of my newer friends told me that she knew she wanted to be friends with me when a group of us were talking in a big circle and i backed up a little bit so she could be apart of the circle instead of outside of it. i didn’t even remember doing that and it just goes to show that small gestures and acts of kindness go such a long way and can completely transform someone else’s life. the cherry on top is that these things tend to have a snowball effect, and it can transform your life in ways you could never imagine, so go make someone’s day
You know what the second I stopped saying “I wish I had a friend who-“ and started being “the friend who-“ my life has gotten 100% more fulfilling
No legitimately. I have a tea table in my room for when friends can come over again. Most of my friends have a key to the back door in my room. I make my friends sweaters and buy things they mention they want. I send handwritten letters in the mail to my friend who lives a block away. I annotate poetry books and give them as gifts when it’s not even a holiday. I keep extra gloves in my purse and jackets in my car.
I’m not trying to be like “ohoho look at me I’m such a good friend”, I’m saying the second I stopped going “I wish I had friends who would invite me to tea parties” and just. hosted the tea parties myself? I still got to do the thing. I still got to see my friends. I still got to be happy with them.
I don’t think it’s about who does it, I think it’s just the genuine act of caring for people, and giving a little light to the environments you’re in.
Okay. Apparently I’m not done talking about this.
It’s a lot of energy, I get that. Especially if you’re putting in all this effort, but not getting any back.
But I think that’s the reason no one does it. I mean we’re so worried we’ll start doing all these things and our friends won’t like it or won’t be into it, so we just don’t.
Only last week my friend messaged me, asking if I wanted to go stargazing with her. When I forget about our weekly virtual tea party, another friend called me to ask if I wanted them to host it this week.
I’ve been invited on hikes and picnics and pie making competitions over zoom, and it all sort of started with me going out of my way to be “that friend”.
I genuinely believe that the easiest answer to “how do I get friends like that?” Is to be one. In most cases, everyone else just follows by example, because they aren’t worried they’ll be wasting time and energy anymore.
- Make sure the place where you’re going is accessible! Your date might opt to use a wheelchair that day, and if they’re using a cane, best to make sure there aren’t a silly number of stairs involved in whatever date you’re considering.
- Call ahead to the place to see if wheelchairs are available to borrow if you’re going somewhere that involves a lot of walking and standing around, like a museum.
- If your date is using a cane, they likely only have one arm to hold things. Consider bringing their food/drinks to the table along with yours– let them claim a booth while you get the food!
- Be prepared and willing to be someone’s physical support sometimes, especially if your date is having a rough leg day.
- Be prepared for a Plan B Date: it’s so awesome to have a back-up plan for the date if the day comes around and your person is spoonless. Believe me, it’ll mean a lot.
i just really want to add some from my own experience:
ask yourself, really ask yourself if you’re fine with plans being cancelled at the last second, cancelled mid-event, and for plans to often be “come over to my house and lump on the couch with me” - if you aren’t? don’t date somebody with chronic pain/fatigue. especially if you will take that sort of thing personally and/or hold it against the person. if you date me, you date my disabilities. i have to deal with them, so do you.
if you are grocery shopping with someone who uses a mobility aid like a cane or rollator, and that person is pushing the cart? DO. NOT. MOVE. THE CART. while they are using the cart, it is taking the place of their normal mobility aid and moving it is like moving their leg. DON’T DO IT. i have fallen in grocery stores more times than i want to think about due to an ex who couldn’t get it through his head that THIS IS MY CANE RIGHT NOW and would just grab the basket and drag it somewhere.
if your date says “no, it’s fine, i’ve got it” when you try to do something? let them. just let them. my disabilities takes so much away from me, the things i can actually do are things i am proud of. it makes me feel better to be able to do things for myself. i detest nothing more than an able-bodied person INSISTING on doing something that i can do myself, even though i’ve said multiple times that i’d prefer to do it myself. it says volumes on what that person really thinks of my abilities as a functional human, none of them positive. i get that you’re trying to help, but i promise, taking away what autonomy we do have? not helpful.
learn to tell your date beforehand what the date will entail. learn to look for the things your date would need to know. i had an ex that never factored in things like “walking half a mile” or “it’s a three story walkup with no elevator” because those things were no problem for him. i, on the other hand, would arrive at the destination crying from pain and unable to enjoy a damn thing - and exhausted in advance by knowing i’d have to repeat the journey just to get back home. don’t be afraid to ask your date what things they need to have taken into consideration. ask what accessibility options are necessary for them when it comes to cane/wheelchair access, how much access there is to regular seating, how much walking will happen, how many stairs there are. if you go to a movie and the only parking is way in the back, ask if they’d rather you drop them up front while you get a spot - because sometimes traversing a large parking lot is the difference between watching a movie and sleeping through it, or being too distracted by pain to follow it. by and large, we know our limitations and it means the world to have someone say “hey i want to take you to this exhibit, i think you’d really enjoy it! there’s several stairs to the entrance and the wheelchair ramp is kind of obnoxiously far away, so it’s either a bunch of walking or deal with stairs to get in there, but once you’re inside there’s a lot of comfortable benches and not a whole lot of walking.” because they thought about how you navigate the environment.
if your date is using a rollator or wheelchair, make sure your car (or whatever form of transportation you are going to be using) has space to put it. don’t ask me out to the renaissance faire and then show up in a CRX and look confused when i say my rollator can’t go in that so i’ve gotta stay home.
BE. PATIENT. this shit is unpleasant enough for us already, the last thing any of us need in our lives is another able-bodied asshole making us feel like burdens. we can’t do everything as quickly or as easily or sometimes at all. sometimes we need your help. sometimes we have to cancel plans. even big plans. even big expensive plans. it’s no fun for us either. sometimes we have to back out of shit halfway through because our bodies have absolutely hit the wall and have failed us. i’ve had to abandon a cart full of groceries before and sleep in my car before i could even manage to drive home because my body just gave the fuck out with no warning. can you imagine? just for a second? imagine being young enough to still get carded for booze and your body literally collapses and you have to almost crawl to your car, sitting in the middle of the floor several times on the way. don’t get frustrated with us, we’re doing our best. it’s just harder than you can imagine.
Also remember just because the cane isn’t there doesn’t mean the disability isn’t there. All of these points are still relevant. Be aware. Be considerate.
A belated, but completely still relevant list of things I learned in 2013, and the lessons I plan to take into 2014. Beware… she’s long…
Dear 2013..
**Social Media is NOT real life. Don’t confuse FB friends with actual friendship. Instagram likes with people actually liking you, or Twitter followers with people actually caring what you have to say in 140 characters. The small print of social media sites reads; they just want to be all in your business. #2014: Time to trim the fat. Delete delete delete.
**There will never be brown tights. Like, ever. I’ve come to terms with it. Somethings will never change. #2014#blackgirlproblems
**Girls are crazy. No, seriously. The moment you walk in the door, they love you or they hate you. They want to be you, they like your pictures but hate your guts, talk about each other over wine, steal boyfriends, walk pass you in the hall without speaking, give advice they’d never adhere to, vow to never speak to each other again, then go out to dinner or the club. Fight, with no reason to, and often keep are fueled off of drama that doesn’t exist or they would never confront each other about. We call each other every name in the book, and then are best friends on Tuesday and enemies Friday. So, until we find a pill for the female races craziness, let’s try and act like ladies. Ladies. #2014: Women aren’t natural enemies, we’ve just been taught to believe that. Keep it classy ladies.
**Count Your Blessings. I tried a bunch of new things last year, and each time got very close but always came up short. And as I looked around, I’d wonder why or how other seemed to get things that I thought I deserved. I quickly realized how wrong I was. How easy it is to lose sight of our many blessings, worried about what the next person has. If it’s meant for you, you’ll know it. “Cultivate the habit of being grateful.” #2014
**Value each moment, because death is real, and can come out of nowhere. Some absolutely wonderful people were called home to glory this year, each time it was more and more unexpected. Value the moments you have folks, because this is a precious life we are given. #2014: Care more, laugh more, love more…
**There are still super awesome people in this world. Like seriously. I had my doubts, but I managed to meet people I completely adore in 2013. To every single new person I’ve met this year, thanks for opening your heart and mind up to me, all of me. If you’re still here in 2014, I promise not to eff it up.
**Have I told you lately, that I love you? Mom and Dad, why thank goodness there is just one of me right? Love you both. Family, near and far. I love you all. Friends, my main girls (and guys) since the CSUSB days, I haven’t seen you in a while, but I think of you often. I owe you. Everlasting friendships since college, time can never break. I’m a thug, and don’t party in my feelings, but I owe it to folks to say I love you a little more. And I appreciate you more than you’ll ever know. To the strangers that turned into cowrokers, and to the nights that made those cowrokers my friends and people I love forever. Thank you. And where the party at tho?
**That blouse still doesn’t go with those shoes. I mean, that won’t change in 2014 either, boo. #2014 Remember: Color Pattern Texture & Shine.
**Dance is still everything. I renewed my love affair with dance this year. Moving through five different shows. Teaching when I can. Left one team, joined two. Kept dancing. Auditioned and auditioned and auditioned. Kept growing. Still growing. Still dancing. #2014 They say dance like no one is watching. No dance like everyone is watching. And kill it. Weeerk.
**Sometimes you got to pat yourself on the back. Don’t hold your breath waiting for your job or the world to acknowledge you with a gold sticker and a high five. Most of the time it’ll never happen. Trust me. Believe in yourself, know that you are giving 100%, and reward yourself. #2014 “Some times you, have to encourage, yourself.”
**Things change. And that’s ok. I spent quite a bit of last year, trying to figure out why things weren’t exactly how I wanted, or rather, how it had been in the past. Little did I know that change is inevitable. Change is good. But growth is even better. There is so much awesome out there, and it may not be what you’re used to, but it can be just what you need.
**Do you. Simply stated. There is never going to be a better version of you. I’ve learned that stepping away from the crowd sometimes gives you a clearer vision of reality. It’s so easy to get lost in what other people are doing, that you lose sight of yourself, and the person God called you to be. I’m slowly allowing myself to appreciate all that am. Good, bad and in between. And I’m kinda dope. I’m still very much a hot mess, but I’m working on that it lol. #2014 “Auditions are being held for you to be yourself, apply within.” “A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.” – Oscar Wilde
Last but not least, its 2014, and you are here, reading this. So you have a reason to celebrate.
