Sometimes I’ll catch myself doing things like holding a mug weird or drinking from it weird or standing weird and I’ll immediately go to correct it before I remember that I’m supposed to be embracing my weirdness and that it’s okay to do what comes naturally to me. It’s crazy how embedded in me the instinct to behave “normally” is.
This is an opinion I’ve, tbf, been afraid of expressing on here. it’s exactly what I think of adhd. And I know everyone who has adhd has at some point, shared this opinion too. Because it IS exhausting. It’s IS limiting. And it makes life 100% more overwhelming than it already is.
It’s so easy to get lost in the sea of positivity about adhd. About how it makes you unique and different and helps you think outside the box. But that isn’t adhd exclusive.
The “creativity” that comes with adhd is almost always drowned out by the work of dealing with impulses, the dread of poor executive functioning the glaring time blindness and the inability to direct my focus where I want to, when I want to. All of that supposed creativity, ultimately, ends up being used to just get through the day.
Barely scraping by, every single time. Rushing to finish work, every single time. Starting off strong, and half assing it anyway, every single time. It’s a cycle that gets repetitive, and exhausting and destructive pretty fucking fast. Everything I’ve ever accomplished is by overriding the adhd force that is bent on knocking me down over and over again and ik that everyone with adhd faces the exact struggle.
So no, adhd hasn’t helped me in any way whatsoever, but it has hurt me very very significantly. I get that all the positive, relatable posts are supposed to make you feel less alone but if I could choose to not have adhd, then I would in a heartbeat. It IS a disorder, and it does hold me back and I’m tired of acting like it’s a quirky little treat
(Trigger warning for abuse, electroshock therapy, torture, and ableism.)
The US court has overturned the ban on shock devices being used against disabled students, predominantly autistic students in the US.
The shock device being legalized is called the graduated electronic decelerator (or GED). This is a torture device that is used to ‘correct’ autistic behaviors / symptoms. Autistic people are shocked for stimming, and for having meltdowns, ect. This device was made popular by a behavioral center (the Judge Rosenberg Center, specifically) that is infamous for its abuse and torture of autistic / disabled patients.
(Image ID: someone is holding their arm out and resting it on a table, with their sleeve rolled up. Attached to their arm are wires, which connect to a small cube device.)
This is what the device looks like. It sends electric shocks into the victim’s skin; the victim often being restrained and held against their will. This is torture. GEDs have been reported to cause intense psychological trauma, PTSD, and physical injuries.
In March of 2020, the FDA ruled for GEDs to be banned. (Although, of course, they were still illegally used at a number of places.) This ruling has recently been appealed, and today, the US court of appeals has re-regulated the law to stop the use of GED. Sounds great, right? It would be!
… If not for a huge loophole in the wording, which basically allows this torture to continue. This device is going to have continued use on autistic students in order to “correct their behavior.”
“So…. What can I do??”
Great question! You can:
Listen to and boost autistic voices to spread awareness
As-of now (August 7th), autistic activists are trying to get #StopTheShock trending on Twitter, so Tweet out the hashtag if you have Twitter
If you’re in the US, email / call your legislators
If you’re autistic or ADHD and are working on the process of unmasking this is for you. This is for if you’ve spent so long developing your mask that you don’t actually know who you are underneath it, and when people ask you “just unmask”, you don’t even know how to do that.
So, what I am going to suggest is that you make a Document of You.
This is something that I did when I first started unmasking. It can be in any format but I’ve done mine as a digital drawing, because I love to draw.
So, this is my Document of Me. What I’ve got is a picture of me of how I see myself.
And when I first made pictures like this, I didn’t actually look like this because I was still dressing to fit in with my age group and my perception of what a normal person in my situation would do. So, I drew myself exactly how I wanted to look, which is kinda how I look now.
And then, in this box here, I put all the things I genuinely like.
So, when I first started unmasking, I was aware that I was doing things to fit in. Like, I would go on shopping trips with my friends because people enjoy shopping and even though I got sensory overload I kept doing it because I felt that’s what I should be doing.
Or, I would get massages because massages are relaxing even though I find the touch too much and I really don’t like it.
So, I made sure that in this box I only put things that I genuinely know bring me joy, and I like them, I’m not doing them because it will make me feel like I’m more normal.
So, I like watching Marvel movies, and I like to go out with my friends and eat sushi, and I like listening to ghost podcasts, and I like to watch Doctor Who.
So, this is all the things I genuinely like.
And then in the last box, I put aspects of my personality that feel real, rather than anything that I’m doing, or was doing, to try and be like a normal person.
So, I’m analytical. I analyse the crap out of everything!
I am bold. I am on the internet sharing all my stuff. That feels pretty bold.
And also, I like to think that I’m funny.
Now, this section you’ll notice is quite empty on mine because I didn’t want to put anything that wasn’t definitely true and I’m planning on adding to it as I learn more about myself.
And I found this a really useful exercise because it taught me to recognise what was and what wasn’t the mask and as a starting point for working out who I am and therefore what I’m aiming to be able to be authentically more of the time.
I think a lot of abled people get confused about ableism because they fail to recognize how diverse a category disability is. There are so many kinds of disabilities - intellectual, sensory, motor, chronic illness, neurodivergence, limb differences, to name a few - and people in these categories will have different needs.
Which is why you often end up with disability advocates saying seemingly “contradictory” things. One group may be advocating for more support while another wants increased independence. People with a terminal illness will fight for a cure and more research whereas some ND/sensory disabilities want to stop having their experience medicalized, and so on. The kinds of ableism that people experience will also vary for that reason.
And having one kind of disability doesn’t make you an expert on all of them! Which is why it’s important to have diverse disability rep within organizations and groups. I’ve encountered organizations in the past that claim to be accessible/disability friendly because they have one disabled person on their board, only to find them woefully unequipped to deal with my very different disabilities.
This disability pride month I really encourage abled “allies” to examine the ways they try to flatten disability into a monolith and to make an effort to listen to and uplift diverse disabled voices.
I had a literal emotional breakdown when I got my diagnosis. It was quite literally life changing for me.
Before diagnosis?
I was plagued with a feeling of brokenness — why does it take me 10x longer to learn concepts than it takes my peers, even when I’m attempting to apply all the same strategies? Why is it so dang hard for me to commit to a single project, and why do I spend weeks obsessing over a project only to suddenly lose interest and never touch it again? Why do I have such a visceral reaction to the smallest, friendliest amount of criticism? Why does that person keep making that tiny paper noise while I’m trying to complete my exam — wait, what was the question asking? Let me re-read itAGAIN.
After diagnosis?
Validation! Holy cow is the validation game changing. I no longer had to blame myself for just not trying hard enough. I was trying plenty hard; however, the tools and strategies that work for neurotypical brains don’t necessarily work for my brain! And that’s perfectly okay. As well, I discovered that my anxiety and depression were symptoms, and as I treated my ADHD and developed coping mechanisms around it, I no longer wanted to die.
Of course, the armchair psychiatrists among my friends and family do sometimes try and chime in to tell me that Adderall is bad(derall), and that’s certainly infuriating; however, f*ck em. I don’t care what they think – they’re clearly not thinking rationally if they see me taking Adderall carefully as prescribed (which they see as me ”basically doing meth” – a deeply misguided and inaccurate view) as worse than quite literally trying to kill myself, and they don’t deserve to have a say – it’s my body and my mind, so I can do what I want.
So… yeah. I’m a big advocate for getting assessed for ADHD if you think you may have it. Does a diagnosis mean you have to medicate? Absolutely not. I prefer not to medicate unless it’s absolutely necessary – my Adderall crash is always draining, so I am nevermotivated to abuse the medication. But when I do take it? All of the internal thought-clutter calms to a hush, the world comes to me more clearly, I am able to find a calm within myself that I never before knew existed, and I can just be. Like, I can just think without interruption. Wow! Clarity of mind is the most incredible feeling. It’s not even a high. It’s just… absence of chaos.
In today’s episode of “Nobody asked you to be my armchair psychiatrist…”
(Yet again) receiving unsolicited “advice” from a recreational cocaine userwithoutanymedical professional qualifications comparing getting assessed for ADHD to recklessly doping one’s self to the point of total cognitive dysfunction just for funsies.
Did I askfor your medical input? No? Then don’t offer it.
i love gaining weight, and i love it when others gain weight, i love fat, but it’s not just that
i really enjoy eating the food that makes me feel way too full, in a way that makes me feel all achey & stuffed, but i also am really comforted by gentle, intermittent snacking
i like to both softly nibble, and even bite down hard on, the arms & chest & thighs of whoever i’m cuddling with, and that’s much a stim as it is a kink :3
i hate it coming from anyone outside the feedism kink/community, maybe it’s the context; maybe it’s because my autism means it’s generally sensory-icky, but with big, fat, soft boys, they could just belch right in my ear over and over and over - somebody i used to know actually did that for me once - and i’d lose my goddamned mind
Not just on the main issue either. We’re in a major time of change right now. Any change is more possible right now then at most other times in history.
So, if you can, educate yourself, toss a little cash to worth organizations, call, email, or write your reps, and connect with like minded people. Talking with friends and family might be one of the most important things as they’ll actually listen to you.
Keep in mind though that we’re all capable of different things and burning yourself out ain’t helping no one. Least of all yourself lol. So do what you can, but don’t expect everything from yourself.
There’s a lot going on right now. This is something that deeply effects our community as well, and we should take the opportunity to ride the swelling tide.
Keeping in mind of course that what everyone can do is different, and doing so much you become non functional is not helping anyone.
Some simple things you might be able to do is call, email, or write to your rep. Doesn’t have to be fancy, as long as it gets your point across.
Ten dollar donations can go a long way as well. Do a little due diligence, but there’s lots of lists out there if you search the hashtags or google.
Informing yourself and calling out bs that friends and family bring up can go a long way as well.
