Hey, d-type lovelies! We love to see you just as much as you love to see us. So don’t hold it back. A lot of us s-types may have trouble asking for what we want and need. We want to see you. We want to see how you feel about us. We want to seeeeeee what the things we do for you, do to you!!! We want this to be give and take. Seeing you turns us on as much as you seeing us does. We maybe just have trouble verbalising that sometimes.
Subs, you’re allowed to be the strong one sometimes.
Doms, you’re allowed to be the sappy one sometimes.
Tumblr d/s isn’t real life. Its not all doms in suits and kneeling subs. It’s not black and white. It’s a relationship like any other and it needs give and take on both sides. It’s supposed to be loving and it’s supposed to be fun. You’re not doing it wrong if it’s right for you.
You don’t need to try and strive for the fake, photoshopped, perfect d/s portrayed here. All your imperfections and badly timed giggles, wobbly days and things that don’t go to plan are your version of perfect d/s and that’s what you should strive for.
If you only follow your rules when you feel like it, then you don’t understand the concept of submission or power exchange and perhaps you need to research whether d/s is for you.
(I don’t know why my posts have been on the more serious side lately, I swear I’ll get back to additional fun things soon, but there’s something ✨sappy✨ I wanted to note.)
Love is a finicky thing. It takes a lot of guts to put your heart out there, and to bear the ups and downs of a relationship.
It’s a strange thing, when you truly feel so deeply for somebody, to realise that you’d risk that kind of loss for them.
They make you happy, smiling until your cheeks are sore. They make your chest all warm, sweet actions leaving butterflies in your stomach. They light up your day, just the fact that they’re around. And god, that could all be taken away. You’re all too aware that, because you let yourself care so much, it would hurt like hell to lose. It’s terrifying.
But everything is good right now. Genuinely, it is! That isn’t some excuse. You think you’ve learned love again. And that? Oh, that’s fucking glorious.
It’s still scary, of course, to go all in when you know how much you have to lose. But all those moments… they just go to show that sometimes, it’s worth a shot.
The last few days with the love of my life have been so nice❤❤ we have snuggled together and watched spoopy stuff and she has been working on skeleton decorations out of plastic baggies❤ Its all so amazing and I’m such a lucky man to have her in my life @disasterpussy❤❤❤
Today is the first day in the newest chapter of my life. I’m moving to queens and begin my new job in a week! I can start putting money away for ME AND JOHNS PLACE TOGETHER!! Ahhhh!! It’s happening!!!
(Series of questions which can be useful when facing issues inside a relationship of any kind. Taken from a discussion with the Woebot app’s AI)
1) What are the advantages of blaming the other?
2) What are the disadvantages of blaming the other?
3) How much would I rate the advantages and disadvantages I found? (say, on a scale from 0 to 10, with 10 meaning it’s a very strong advantage/disadvantage)
4) What’s a negative thought I have about the relationship?
5) What is my role in the relationship? What type of person am I in it?
6) What adjectives describe my role in the relationship? (at least three adjectives, if possible)
7) What is the other’s role?
8) What type of words would I use to describe them?
9) What does it feel like for me to be in this relationship?
10) What are the “Rules” of the relationship that connect the two “roles” and reflect them both?
11) Do the rules and roles accurately reflect the interactions in the relationship?
12) Is it similar to other relationships in my life or specific to this one?
13) Looking through rules and roles, do I feel differently about the relationship or the same? If I feel different, this difference has had a positive or negative effect on how I think about the relationship?
14) Do I feel motivated to change elements of my relationship? If I am, can I pinpoint directly the changes I want to implement?
15) Overall how do I feel now? Better, the same or worse?
These are Reaction Junkie’s shoes.We have a protocol in place so that whenever we come home together I have to kneel down, take his shoes off, and wait for him to put my collar on and tell me I may stand. If I’m already there when he comes home, I have to go to the door, get on my knees, take his shoes off, and stay kneeling until he puts my collar on and allows me to get up. This protocol is an “us” thing, and it’s important to me, and to him.
On Monday night, Reaction Junkie got dinner with another partner, so I was home before him. I started cooking, and was getting into it. But when the front door opened and I heard Reaction Junkie’s voice, I stopped what I was doing and started towards him to kneel, take his shoes off, and have my collar put on. Then I heard another voice, his partner’s.
I stopped in my tracks and several emotions went through me. I didn’t have a problem with her being there, but he presence was entirely unexpected. I felt blindsided, unprepared for interacting with her. I like her, but she knows about my jealousy issues, some of them have been about her, and I always feel a bit uncomfortable around her, sometimes even anxious about how to behave. So, even though I had been excited to see Reaction Junkie, I was suddenly reluctant to follow our protocol.
I spun around and went back to the kitchen and kept prepping. They both came into the living room, and Reaction Junkie sat down. He took his shoes off with what sounded like a joking/off-hand comment, something like, “You can’t take them off, since that’s [LFB’s] job.” I was already feeling a bit put out because he hadn’t called me over to remove his shoes for him and to put my collar on me, so when he handed his shoes to his other partner, and said, “Put these by the door,” I started feeling upset. It didn’t help that her response was, “Yes, sir,” even if it was said somewhat jokingly.
I looked up and opened my mouth as if to say something, but instead I just glared at both of them. I didn’t feel great about the expression I knew was on my face, but I kind of didn’t care. I was upset and sad and frustrated and I felt let down and really hurt. He was having someone else take care of his shoes. Something that is supposed to be just between us. Something that is very important to me, and to our d/s dynamic. I felt tears pricking at the corners of my eyes, so I focused very hard on the chopping I was doing in an attempt not to cry.
Then, as she walked towards the front door, he called after her, “Can you grab the collar hanging on the hook by the door?” I went cold for a second. That was the last straw. He didn’t follow our protocol and he was having someone else get my collar? Another partner, no less? I now felt angry. When she came back, Reaction Junkie took my collar from her and came over to me. I think he’d noticed something was up by this point, but if not, when I turned away from him and said, “No.” He tried again, and I repeated my refusal. I think part of me was hoping he would slap me or something, but instead he looked sad, kind of wounded, and he asked me, “Please let me put it on you?” I felt bad for a moment, but shook my head and returned to cooking.
His partner was there for a few more minutes, during which (and I feel bad about this), I stared at the counter and didn’t acknowledge either her or Reaction Junkie. Reaction Junkie walked her to the door and then came back to the kitchen. I said, “I’m glad you don’t care about our d/s dynamic,” or something to that effect, and started to cry. Reaction Junkie replied, “I do care. I care a lot,” sounding hurt and surprised, even a little upset.
I told him how I’d felt when he didn’t follow our protocol and then had his other partner take his shoes to the door. Like he didn’t care about our protocol or he wasn’t thinking about it or he wasn’t thinking about me. He hugged me and explained that it is important to him and he had been thinking about it. In fact, he’d put a lot of thought into it. That was why he didn’t have her take his shoes off, and even said that it was because that’s something only I do. He told me that he hadn’t done the rest of the protocol because I was cooking and he didn’t want to interrupt because sometimes I find that upsetting. Plus, he needed to go to the bathroom.
I listened and started feeling bad about how I’d reacted. I started apologizing and saying that I shouldn’t have reacted like that, that it shouldn’t matter so much, etc. He stopped me and told me that no, I didn’t need to apologize for my feelings, and that of course it’s important. He validated my feelings and said all the right things, which of course made me feel worse about how I’d behaved.
He continued reassuring me and made sure that I understood where he’d been coming from. I was still upset, but starting to feel better. Then Reaction Junkie picked up a bag of stuff to recycle and said, “I’m going to take this out,” looking at me meaningfully before adding, “And I’’m going to put my shoes back on.” I grinned at him and he gave me a kiss and left the apartment. I listened until I heard the front door open. I scampered over to Reaction Junkie, knelt at his feet and removed his shoes. He put my collar on me, reminded me that I’m his, and had me crawl back to the kitchen.
In the future, I’m going to do a better job of giving him the benefit of the doubt. He loves me and cares about me, so he wouldn’t intentionally do something like have someone else provide him a service that is just an us thing. He’s very smart, so I would do well to assume that he’s given thought to what he does, particularly in relation to things that are important to me. If I’m uncertain about something, instead of imagining the worst (that he doesn’t care about our dynamic), I should trust him enough to communicate my concerns, not shut down and turn away.
In addition to the relationshipy/love/partner type of reasons I should have behaved differently, there is also the fact that he owns me and I’ve submitted to him. He knows best, so if he deviates from our usual routine, I should trust that he has a reason. Additionally, I shouldn’t allow external factors stop me from doing my part. If I had remembered my place and the promise of my submission, I wouldn’t have stopped on my way to take his shoes off just because I was surprised by another person being with him. I shouldn’t feel shy or embarrassed about demonstrating my submission by following our protocol. I should feel proud and pleased with myself, happy to show off that submission and have others see the connection that Reaction Junkie and I have.
In the future, when I think that Reaction Junkie is showing that he doesn’t care about our dynamic, or does something else that I feel hurt by, I’m going to do things differently. I’m going to assume that he’s included me in his decision making. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt, not jump right to the worst conclusions. I’m going to remember that he loves me and cares about my feelings. I’m going to communicate. I’m going to follow our protocols and rules and do as he says no matter how I feel or who else is around. I’m going to recognize that he knows best. I’m going to actively remind myself that I’ve submitted to him all the time, not just when I feel like it. I’m going to work hard to be a better partner and to live up to what I’ve written on this blog.
My roommate, Sunny, is dating/repeatedly hanging out with Boy Genius, The Unknown Quantity, and The Violinist.
First, I want to say that I’m happy for her that she has people. She has a lot of not great stuff in her life, so I’m glad that there are people she can spend time with and rely on.
But. I’m envious. Because she’s getting all of this play with different people, yes. But more than that, these are three people I used to have some sort of relationship with, either dating or play. And with each person, it ended because I wasn’t interested enough/didn’t give them enough priority, and not even necessarily out of an actual lack of interest, or at least not a long-lasting lack of interest.
Honestly, it was starting to date Reaction Junkie, combined with my spiral into depression, that ended each of those relationships. Plus some individual/specific things with each person. And I regret it.
With Boy Genius, Reaction Junkie didn’t like him for various reasons. He never told me to stop spending time with or playing with Boy Genius, but his opinion influenced my opinion and my actions, and I started doing less and less with Boy Genius. Reaction Junkie has since changed his opinion, and I did make an attempt to start playing with Boy Genius again a few months ago, but didn’t keep up with it. To be honest, that’s partially because, while I enjoy the play we did, he’s not quite as mean as I prefer. But it’s also because I spiraled into depression further.
With The Unknown Quantity, we played at events a bunch and I went to his place once. Then I guess I stopped going out as much because of depression and spending all my time with Reaction Junkie, and we didn’t play for a while. We attempted to get together again at one point, but by then neither of us was prioritizing the other. I was okay with that since it was equal. But more recently, I’ve made several attempts to play with him at events. I texted him beforehand expressing an interest in playing, but I never even got a response or an acknowledgement that I’d said anything. That really sucks. Being rejected, and being ignored. A month or so ago, I was at dinner with him and a few other people, including Sunny. At the end of the night, she asked The Unknown Quantity if he wanted to get together. He said yes, and that he was busy, but that he had time for her the next week. After they made their plans, I went up to him and asked if he wanted to get together. He said he was busy and didn’t have any time for the next month and a half. Well, fuck you, too. That really hurt, to see him make time for someone, and then the next moment to have him brush me off.
With The Violinist, I was the shittiest. We were dating for a few months, at least. We actually started dating not long after I started seeing Reaction Junkie. Which was not long before I started getting super depressed. Those things in combination meant that I didn’t treat The Violinist very well. I wasn’t doing poly well. Part of that was depression, yes, but part of it was me just not giving The Violinist the time and attention I should have. I kept canceling on him and didn’t make plans with I’m enough or spend enough time with him when we did get together. We actually got quite close. He knew all about my jealousy problems, and he talked them through with me. We spent a lot of good times together, but I wasn’t in a place where I could truly appreciate him. It took me far, far too long to realize that I shouldn’t have been dating someone else while in the throws of NRE and depression. We had a few conversations about our relationship, including one where we talked about spending less time together, but I really regret not figuring things out more quickly, and not having the guts to be as open and upfront as I should have been. I wish that I had told him I wanted to end things for the time being because I knew I wasn’t giving him the time and attention he deserved, and that I hoped that, once I was doing better, we could try again. I really, truly regret not having told him that.
I wish I could fix things with these people for a couple reasons. The primary one is, I admit, quite self-centered. I want more people to play with at happy hour and at events, both because I like playing with different people and because I know that when I play with other people and have fun, I have a much much easier time dealing with it when Reaction Junkie does things with other people. I’ve been hanging out with a couple of really awesome people lately (Not A Tumblr Dom and a great guy from okc/happy hour who has yet to be nicknamed), but they don’t come to happy hour, at least not regularly, and they don’t really come to events. Between Boy Genius and The Violinist, they come to happy hour pretty much every week, and The Unknown Quantity goes to a lot of events.
Besides just wanting more people to play with in general, I also miss playing with these people specifically. Even besides play, I don’t really interact with these people much any more, probably mostly because I feel awkward around them. I know that I have very compatible play interests with The Violinist and The Unknown Quantity. They both do mean rope (and are good at it) and they’re sadistic. I always really enjoyed the play I did with them; it’s exactly the kind of play I’m looking for. Even with Boy Genius, be is quite good at rope, and I had fun when I played with him, even if it didn’t exactly scratch my itch for pain.
Outside of play, these are all great people. I like talking with them and I really did enjoy spending time with them, and I miss it. Especially with The Violinist. We spent more time together than I did with anyone else except Reaction Junkie, and we had a lot of good times.
I get really envious of Sunny and the time she gets to spend with these people and the play she does with them. It makes me feel shitty about myself because I want to get more play and want to be wanted AND it reminds me of the fact that I wasn’t a good friend/play partner/partner to them. I want to ask them to play, but I think I’ll get rejected, and, honestly, I can’t blame them, especially The Violinist. I think I will try talking to them, especially Boy Genius and The Violinist, more at happy hour, though. Maybe I can start repairing the friendships/relationships I had with them.
I really appreciate all do the positive thoughts people are sending my way, and I’ll hopefully respond when life is less crazy.
I do want to make clear that the problems I’m having with Reaction Junkie have absolutely nothing to do with a d/s dynamic. It’s not at all about him being my dom and me being his sub. I don’t even think about him as “my dom,” especially since that’s not his natural inclination. I understand people might think that, though, and I do appreciate the messages about his responsibility to me as a sub. You’re completely right, and a lot of that is applicable to being in any kind of relationship, d/s or no. And I’m not upset about the messages at all. I just wanted to explain what’s going on. The d/s dynamic isn’t even on the radar as a source of issues. The issues are that he’s way more polyminded than I am and I have terrible self esteem. I’ve been having a really really really rough time dealing with poly stuff this week. The move and work stress just made it harder.
Even more feelings after the break. And some rough truths.
We had a big long tearful conversation last night, and I honestly don’t know where we’ll end up. I love him and don’t want to leave him, and he feels the same. But I have an extremely difficult time with this kind of relationship, and that makes things harder for him, as well. We’ve been sniping at each other all week, and my frustration and envy over not being able to meet people, while he finds people to make out with at happy hour, has been building and building.
I’m not honestly all that worried about him replacing me or finding someone he loves more. But I have this extremely negative visceral reaction when I see him play with others, and lately it’s been happening when he talks about playing with others, and even when I see him flitting. I have no idea what to do with that. I really hate it. Like, last Tuesday he showed someone how to do rope and said they made out, as well. And I was so upset. And honestly right now, thinking about it makes me want to do something like kick shit and throw stuff like like a toddler. Part of that is jealousy, but another bit part of it is also envy. I’m just so frustrated because I can’t did people as easily as him. Part of that is being more particular about who I do stuff with and the fact that there are a lot more decent women than fervent men. And part of it is the fact that he’s just better at talking to people, especially new people.
I just don’t know what to do about that visceral negative reaction when he plays with people. For one, it keeps me out of the upstairs at happy hour, which sucks. For another, I can’t stop it. Even if I stay downstairs and focus on a good conversation I’m having, or the person I’m flirting with, and even if at the time, I’m fine, at the end of the night, I’ll get upset. Not only does that suck for me, it sucks for Reaction Junkie. I try so so so hard not to, but I sometimes end up verbally lashing out. That, plus the fact that he just plain hates hurting me like that, makes it super unpleasant for Reaction Junkie. How long is he going to put up with it? Is the snapping at each other we’ve been doing lately evidence that he’s getting done with it?
How long will I put up with it? It feels like it’s getting harder, not easier, to deal with the visceral part. The other, theoretical stuff about him leaving me is easier, but this part is harder. Like, the other week I could not fucking get the picture of him doing stuff with the girl he lied to me about or with my friend at the party the other month out of my head. It was there when I tried to masturbate, fucking things up. And it was there when we played that Tuesday. Especially because the girl he lied to me about was sitting right across from us. And when he choked me, like he did with her, that’s all I could think about. The tears that scene were only about 10% pain from the scene. The rest were just sad, frustrated, confused, hurt tears. It didn’t happen last week, at least. I was able to do my scene with Reaction Junkie without being distracted by those thoughts.
We talked about the fact that he’s not that sexual, and that he’s kind of shitty and once he has sex with someone once, well, he’s less interested and wants to go find another shiny bauble. That’s my paraphrase of something he said, by the way. It sucked to have him basically say that he’d not ever going to be nearly as interested in sex with me as with some random new person. That’s what I heard, anyway. He also told me that one of the reasons we don’t have sex more is that, while he enjoys all the things we do, he’s most turned on by being bottoming. I knew that, and while he’s said similar things in the past, I’m not sure he’s ever outright admitted that. That hurt a lot to hear, even when I already knew it. Especially when I already knew kt. When we were talking about his low sex drive and everything, he kept telling me I should find someone else who will give me the physical affection I deserve.
We did talk solutions, at least about the sex stuff. I’m not so much concerned about the fact that sometimes he wants to do stuff with someone who is naturally toppier. I get that. I also want to do stuff with people who get off on topping and domming. He likes what we do, and when he does it, it fan be hella good, but it is different. And I’d like to have sex with people who are actively interested in sex with me. So, no, the fact that sometimes he wants to do stuff with someone for who topping is more natural isn’t the biggest problem. The bigger issue is that I want to have sex with him more. Nothing to do with other people, just plain wanting to have sex with my boyfriend more frequently. So we talked about actually finally doing some of the many things we’ve discussed in terms of him helping me get comfortable topping. At the very least, we’re going to schedule time on gcal like “LFB tied up Reaction Junkie and plays with his penis.”
I don’t know what we’re going to do. I cried writing this post this morning. I hope that things get easier when moving stress dies down, and I really hope work gets less stressful. I don’t want to end things, and honestly I don’t know how much better if be with any other relationship or with a different person. I’m tired of monogamy, since that doesn’t work. But at the same time, I’m really hating being poly right now. I’m willing to deal with a lot and put in a lot of effort because I think Reaction Junkie is worth it, and I want to stay with him. But when other life stressors increase, it makes the relationship stuff incredibly hard for me.
I felt somewhat better after we made the plan to schedule LFB topping time, and I think after the conversation in general. The conversation was ridiculously rough, though. I sobbed and punched the bed and kicked like a toddler having a tantrum. I walked away and ended up sitting in the shower (with it off) and crying and punching my leg in frustration. Reaction Junkie hid in the closet, laying on the floor. He got upset, he cried, he was frustrated. There were so many times it seemed like we were done talking, and there was absolutely no sense of closure. I don’t remember how the night ended, to be honest. I woke up in the morning in my clothes. I still never got that “we resolved stuff” feeling from the conversation, but I think part of that is that there are some things I’m just going to have to accept, like about our sex life, and about the fact that I need to put forth effort and fund some additional partners. When we first started dating, I was seeing multiple people, and I had an easier time. These days, I’m basically just seeing Reaction Junkie. As much as I love spending time with him, I also do agree with him that if I find more people, I’ll have an easier time.
It did still feel strained this morning, but some of that was probably the fact that we didn’t get any unpacking done last night. So things are still in mess, and it’s difficult to find stuff. I just wish I could give him a hug and hold him and have him hold me and tell me things will work out.
I haven’t been updating, so I think only a few of you know, but I’m moving out. Reaction Junkie and I aren’t going to be living together anymore, and we’re not each other’s primaries.
Long story short, this was a long time coming (everybody, including us, knew it) but we couldn’t get it up to have the convo, so when he was deceitful about having someone stay the night (not for the first time, I might add), we finally talked.
This was like a month or more ago and the feelings are less harsh, but I’m sad and angry and heartbroken and embarrassed. I’m also glad, excited,optimistic, and relieved,
I’m mostly posting this because I want to refer to the incident in a future post. To be honest, I’m pretty much just copying and pasting what I sent to a couple people when talking about it with them. It’s not a pretty thing, and it still niggles at the back of my mind.
Towards the beginning of a happy hour about a month ago, I noticed him hitting it off with someone. I was pretty sure from the way he was interacting with her that he wanted to play with her, and she was flirting right back. I tried to ignore the ugly feelings rising up, but I couldn’t. It was a mixture of jealousy in the moment, dreading how I would feel when he told me they were going to play, and frustration at the fact that I can tell when something like that is going to happen. When we went next door for some bubble tea, she joined the little group Reaction Junkie and I were with. I wasn’t getting tea, and seeing them talk was getting painful, so I left.
When he came back to the happy hour, Reaction Junkie and I went upstairs to play. He started hitting me, and the pain, in combination with how I’d felt earlier in the evening, made me start to cry. I must have indicated something about being sad or jealous, because Reaction Junkie cut through my tears to talk to me. He said some complimentary things about me, and then said, “And you’re jealous of some girl whose name I can’t even remember?” (He said it in a nice way, like a reassurance, not a mean, snarky way.) I immediately started sobbing, partially because I was embarrassed about being so obvious, and partially I was relieved that for once I was wrong about him wanting to do stuff with someone I saw him hardcore flirting with.
Reaction Junkie continued hitting me a while longer, but he was growing tired. He sat on the floor and looked at his watch. He told me it was 9:50, and I asked him for ten more minutes. He motioned for me to sit with him, so I sat down, thinking we would cuddle and do aftercare for a while. Only a moment or two after I joined him on the floor, he told me, “I want to do something with someone else.” I felt this cold, sad feeling go through me because I’d thought I wasn’t going to have to deal with that that night.
I was quiet for a moment and then asked who he was going to do it with. “[Name],” he told me. That was the girl who he’d referred to moments earlier as, “The girl whose name I can’t even remember.” I got upset, and tried to skip aftercare entirely. but he wouldn’t let me. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said rope. I lobbed back at him, “Why don’t we do rope?” like that was the problem. We talked for a few more minutes, and then I headed downstairs. It wasn’t until later that I parsed out all of the reasons I was hurt.
There was my normal jealousy, of course. And that wasn’t helped by the fact that I’d thought something that would hurt was going to happen, and then was told it wouldn’t, and then, almost immediately after that, I found out it was. It was like emotional whiplash. (I was upset about them doing rope because he and I hadn’t done much lately, but of course then later when it turned out he choked her, I was still upset. It wasn’t really about what they were going to do.) Plus, this girl was new, and now I have this negative association of her with feeling hurt, and even now it get’s triggered when he plays with her.
What hurt most of all, and what we talked the most about at the end of the night (and what still really hurts to think about), was the fact that he fucking lied to me. I know he did it because he was trying to make me feel better and didn’t know else what to do, but that doesn’t make it okay. No, it wasn’t a big deception, and the truth came out very shortly after the lie, but it sets a terrible precedent. It was the first time he’s lied about something like that, and it makes it just a tiny little bit harder for me to feel confident about things he says with regard to other women. I hate that so much.
I also can’t shake that negative association of this poor innocent woman with that night and the lie, so when they played together more recently, after I realized it was her who he’d played with, those feelings resurfaced, which is why I decided to write this post. In addition, the fact that he felt the need to lie to me to cheer me up…that makes me feel bad that I get so upset about things that he couldn’t figure out a better solution. Of course, that’s not really my fault. Lying was never a good solution.
Reaction Junkie and I talked about it a couple times, and he felt super shitty for lying to me, and apologized for it multiple times, without prompting, and even thanked me for bringing it up a second time when I did so. But after last week when I had a negative reaction when he said that’s who he’d played with, and because I cried (even if just a little) while I was writing this, I feel like we should talk about it again. It hurts when he’s dishonest about his intentions, even if he’s doing it to make me feel better. I’m going to find out the truth, and lying just makes it that much worse. And it’s disrespectful of me as a person. And I don’t know, I’m out of articulateness about it, but I just think we should discuss it again, and I should let him know that it’s affected me since the night it happened.
