portraitoftheoddity:

Thinking about how my mom tried to “seduce” my dad when they were in college together by sneaking oranges into his backpack, because she grew up food insecure and feeding someone/sharing food was a big deal with her upbringing with a lot of emotional meaning–

and meanwhile my poor dad is just convinced that he’s been haunted by some citrus poltergeist because why the fuck are there always oranges in his bag he swears he did not put there???

LMAO THEY IMMEDIATELY CAME INTO MY MIND WHEN I SAW THIS TWEET I qrt it on my Twitter too sksksk

Love you, mom

I was just re-reading this lovely picture book by Jon Scieszka and Lane Smith (of Stinky Cheese Man fame), called Cowboy and Octopus. As the title implies, it’s about a cowboy and an octopus. The octopus is well-spoken, polite, and tactful to a fault. The cowboy is dumb. So very dumb.

They’re also best friends.

Basically, what I’m getting at is

admittedly,person a has extremely dry chapped lips. it’s awful to even think about. person a claims it to be a defence mechanism to whoever wants to even try to kiss them. person b doesn’t give a single fuck.

A bunch of different dialogue prompts #62

1. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, and I’ve been listening to myself speak for twenty years.”
2. “Let’s just say we have unfinished business.”
3. “You’re in my way. Move.”
4. “Don’t worry, it’ll all make sense later.” “I sincerely doubt that.”
5. “Do you have to wear that?”
6. “You drugged them?!” “Yeah, what’s the problem?”
7. “Are you always this jittery?”
8. “What are you doing?” “Tidying.”“…Why?”
9. “Listen here, ugly.”
10. “Let me throw up real quick-”

A bunch of different dialogue prompts #60

1. “I will advise you to reconsider.”
2. “He’s up to no good.” “How do you know?” “He’s thinking, what more proof do you need?”
3. “I know a traitor when I see one.”
4. “I’ll take care of you.” “Yeah, right.”
5. “Want some advice?” “From who?” “Me, obviously-” “NO!”
6. “You never go against the family, kid.” “Why are you talking like that?”
7. “He has the ugliest soul of any human being I’ve ever met.”
8. “Moving swiftly on,-”
9. “Is it supposed to glow like that?”
10. “That was corny.” “What is wrong with you?”

A bunch of different dialogue prompts #58

1. “I hate you.” “Marry me.”
2. “Life is a highway, and I’m always stuck in traffic.”
3. “Bestie I will tear you to shreds.”
4. “Your mother didn’t carry you for nine months for you to behave like this.” “You don’t know my mom at all, do you?”
5. “Great, so out oftwo hundred-and-sixteen passengers there’s not a single pilot/captain/doctor on board, but we’ve got five marine biologists, two graphic designers, ten chefs, one Banksy impersonator, and four composers. Fantastic. We’re all gonna die.” “Anyone here a funeral directory by any chance?”
6. “Why would you lie about something like that?”
7. “Stop being so dramatic.” “There’s a bone sticking out of my arm!” “And?”
8. “¿Como es?” “I don’t speak french, sorry.” “*visible confusion*”
9. “Boo, you psychopath.”
10. “Make no mistake, vengeance will be ours.” “Grandma-”

A bunch of different dialogue prompts #64

1. “This isn’t going anywhere.”
2. “This is making me very uncomfortable.” “Good, I’m glad.”
3. “Move along, move along, nothing to see here!”
4. “Where have you been?”
5. “My will to live is dwindling at an alarming rate.”
6. “Don’t get confused, you are disposable.”
7. “Do you maybe wanna be friends?” “Go away!”
8. “Yeah, that tracks.”
9. “A friend of theirs is no friend of mine.”
10. “Why did you cut it like that?”

Incorrect Chanbaek

Chanyeol: we’ve known each other for a while now and i’ve been thinking that maybe it’s time to take a step forward to our relationship.

Baekhyun: what?

Chanyeol: *kneels down on one knee*

Baekhyun: …

Chanyeol: *pulls out a sticky note* here. my wifi password.

Incorrect Chanbaek

Baekhyun: god it’s cold.

Chanyeol: here, take my hoodie, i’m not even that cold.

Baekhyun: thanks, i’ll give it back tomorrow.

[later at home]

Baekhyun, aggressively inhaling in Chanyeol’s hoodie scent while curled up inside it: yeah, i’m not giving this back

Incorrect Chanbaek

[in court]

Baekhyun: *whispers to lawyer*

lawyer: this has nothing to do with the case

Baekhyun: just ask

lawyer: *sighs and looks at Chanyeol who’s the judge* do you think he’s cute? be honest

Incorrect Kaisoo

[Kyungsoo on a date]

Kyungsoo: So what do you think of Kim Jongin?

Them: I only like him for his abs.

Kyungsoo: *pulls out gun*

Incorrect Chanbaek

[after practice]

Chanyeol: *whispering* Baekhyun kissed me.

Suho: *gasps* Okay… so was he holding you? Or were his hands, like, on your back?

Chanyeol: No, actually first they were… They started on my waist. And then they slid up and then they were on my hair.

Suho: Oh, God!

[in the gym]

Baekhyun: I kissed Chanyeol.

Sehun: Tongue?

Baekhyun: *smirks* Yeah.

Sehun: *smirks* Nice.

Incorrect Kaisoo

Kyungsoo: I want to be like a caterpillar. Sleep a lot. Eat a lot. Wake up beautiful.

Jongin: You know most of them have a lifespan of about a week, right?

Kyungsoo: That’s just another highlight.

Incorrect Chanbaek

Baekhyun and Chanyeol: *cuddling on the couch happily*

Sehun: *snuggles in between them* aaah, this is nice

Baekhyun: the fuck

Incorrect Chanbaek

Chanyeol: did you eat all the sugar powdered donuts?

Baekhyun: *mouth full of food* no…

Chanyeol: then what’s that on your pants?

Baekhyun: that’s cocaine.

Incorrect Chanbaek

Baekhyun: *walks worriedly into hospital room* what happened??? how’d you break your legs?!?

Chanyeol: haha, i guess i was too weak on the knees for you

Incorrect Chanbaek

Sehun: you’re staring again.

Chanyeol: what??

Sehun: you’re practically drooling.

Chanyeol: *wipes* no, i’m not! Shut up.

Sehun: yeah, you’re right, what would you ever see in Baekhyun.

Chanyeol: WHAT!? Baekhyun is amazing, he’s cute, funny, beautiful-

Sehun: …

Chanyeol: …

Sehun: *snigger*

Chanyeol: i can’t believe i fell for that…

Incorrect Chanbaek

Baekhyun: [rolls over in bed]

Baekhyun: [whispers to Chanyeol]

Baekhyun: i ate like fifty chicken nuggets today

Incorrect Chanbaek

Suho: don’t you just love space?

Chanyeol: yeah, personal space

Suho:

Suho: you’re literally cuddling Baekhyun like your life depends on it

Incorrect Chanbaek

Baekhyun: *tries to slap Chanyeol’s ass as he walks past*

Baekhyun: *misses*

Baekhyun: *trips*

Baekhyun: *falls*

Chanyeol: *tries to catch Baekhyun*

Chanyeol: *overbalances*

Chanyeol: *tries to grab chair to stop his fall*

Chair: *breaks*

Chanyeol: *falls on top of Baekhyun*

Kyungsoo: *watching mournfully from the sidelines* it’s like watching two animals do an out-of-sync and very destructive mating dance

Incorrect Chanbaek

Baekhyun: i’m sorry i just sneezed and liked your post

Chanyeol: and commented “damn daddy” on all my pictures

Baekhyun: i have the flu

Incorrect Chanbaek

Baekhyun: if i run and leap at Chanyeol, he will most certainly catch me in his arms

Baekhyun: COMING IN! *runs at Chanyeol*

Chanyeol: NO! I’M HOLDING COFFEE!

Chanyeol: *drops coffee on the floor and catches Baekhyun*

Incorrect Chanbaek

Chanyeol: do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?

Baekhyun: yes, February 14th

Chanyeol: i- nevermind…

Incorrect Kaisoo

Jongin: i hate you!

Kyungsoo: i hate me more!

Jongin:

Jongin: babe… we’ve talked about this

Incorrect Chanbaek

Chanyeol: Baekhyun, you’re drunk

Baekhyun, slurring: yer beautiful…

Chanyeol: damn, you’re really drunk

Incorrect Chanbaek

Suho: if Baekhyun jumped off a cliff, would you?

Chanyeol: *stares into the distance with a blank expression*

Suho: Chanyeol!

Chanyeol: well- er- i mean, it depends

Suho: DON’T JUMP OFF A CLIFF!

Chanyeol: well i wasn’t planning on it

Suho: but if Baekhyun did it, you would?

Chanyeol: *stares into the distance yet again*

Suho: CHANYEOL!