Glazed Eyes, Empty Hearts

My Mind | 19

Call your friend Mary Jane, Pause… and hit the High button. Drift away with me. Let your thoughts drown you. Let the sweet pain join you. Let the darknesssurround you. Close your eyes and you’ll see your missing friend,numbness.

All your friends are there. How Pathetic, I can’t see them. But their surrounding keeps me awake. Everytime.. They brought some other friends with them. I don’t like them. You cann call them whatever you want. I call them demons. They’re in my head, telling me pretty little lies. Funny, i don’t like them but I believe everything they say.

I don’t like myself anymore cause of them. They did this to me. My lovely friends who surrounds me everyday. At least I’m not lonley anymore right?

Mary Jane my dearest friend, I’m in Love with the feeling you’re giving me while I inhale your wonderful smoke and watch you fade away. You’re the only one who wants me arround. Don’t you go away. Just stay. Tell them to leave me alone. Tell them to shut up.

Finally.

As I fell asleep peacefully i couldn’t hear the demons anymore.

…….

……..

………

Isn’t she pretty my friend Mary Jane?

She keeps me asleep.

- a vision of ecstasy

Glazed Eyes, Empty Hearts

My Mind | 18

I thougt he saved me but instead i just loved the company, the feeling that came through, the feeling i had, the kind of feeling i thought would feel nice. I was wrong. I didn’t feel the hapiness, the love I thought I would feel when I was with him instead I used him for my own purpose. I broke him cause i am broken and unable to love. Again I found myself in this black hole and I don’t know how to get out of this. Again I’m overthinking everything. How do I love again? How do I trust again. I stay up all night telling myself I’m alright but I’m not. There’s this one sentence that keeps spinning in my head. Maybe Life isn’t for everyone. I’m trying so hard not give up but it’s so hard. Living is hard. I fill this emptiness with alcohol drugs and guys who give me the attention but instead of feeling something I’m drowning. Everytime when I think I should be happy I sabotage myself…Why? Why am I doing that? I don’t wanna be alone cause my mind scares me. How do I make it stop? How can I shut up these voices in my head that keep teeling me I’m a bad person? Am I? I don’t know…

- a vision of ecstasy

Glazed Eyes, Empty Hearts

My Mind | 17

Hi guys, alot of things changed in my life since the last time i posted something.. I was completely broken. I just couldn’t deal with life anymore. I wandet to die. The person who was most impotant to me in the world had stabbed me in the back. I literally spend the last few weeks/month at home. I didn’t wanted to go out. It was just too much for me to handle. The pain was unbearable and the betrayal was too painful to handle…How could you do this? You know exactly what you’ve done…and you still choose to fuck with my emotion like this. I was done with humanity. I was in so much pain and anger. I lost my mind. It was driven me crazy. I wanted the thoughts to stop but they were getting louder and louder. I wanted to scream from the bottom of my lungs but i couldn’t…You just killed the spark that was keeping me alive.

“I saw the part of you, that only when you’re older you will see too… Well you look like yourself but you’re somebody else, only it ain’t on the surface. Well you talk like yourself but I hear someone else though…You were the better part of every bit of beating heart that I had, whatever I had..I finally sat alone pitch black flesh and bone…”

This song was written for you, you simply broke me and I will never ever forgive you. The sad part is that I will always love you. Loving is hard I get that but this Love almost killed me and for once in my life my thoughts were completely silence and I realized it’s time for me to say goodbye. I had to let you go. This was the sign God was sending me.

I met a guy a few weeks ago. This one guy managed that i can see the light at the end of the tunnel again. He has done things that I could never have imagined with you and that scared the hell out of me. He is the sun on a cloudy day.He is the healer of my pain. He is a god send on my prays. HE saved my life.

HE SAVED ME.

Thank you
- a vision of ecstasy

Glazed Eyes, Empty Hearts

My Mind | 15

I’ve been trapped in my mind lately. Often than usual. What is it in our mind or hearts that makes it dependent on us humans that we think we can’t live without a loved one? How can we be so addicted to someone else who doesn’t even think of us? You keep thinking and thinking and at some point you’re so far that you don’t even realize how you got into the dark and now you don’t know how to get out. You’re trying not to think about it but you loose control over your thoughts. You’re trying to escape with drugs and alcohol but it keeps making everything worst. Suddenly you’ve reached your breaking point and think live doesn’t make any sence and you’re starting to have suicidal thoughts caus you don’t want to live in a world where everything you see and feel is either sadness or numbness. You try to remeber when you were happy and when this endless sadness have started. You can’t remeber. Living is fighting. I don’t know what will happen in 5 years. Will I be happy? Will I survive? Will I be dead? I don’t know. All I know is that it is hard when I hate myself. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

- a vision of ecstasy