So much of being an abused kid is growing up to redefine your childhood.
And I’m not only talking about finally seeing your situation for what it was. I’m talking about reclaiming parts of your identity too.
So many of us had our ‘favorite things’ robbed from us. SO many of us were assigned a favorite color, favorite animal, favorite toy…We didn’t get to make that choice for ourselves. Our abusers tried to construct us into who they wanted us to be. It’s time to take back being you.
One awful thing about being raised by abusive parents is that they don’t teach you basic social etiquette & they isolate you so you can’t learn.
For years, maybe even decades you might do things that are rude, mean, or have bad connotations & you have NO clue because no one corrects you.
Everyone raised in a good home assumes it’s your nature to be weird & rude so no one says anything out of fear of confrontation. And when someone DOES say something, it’s almost never somebody who corrects you gently. It’s almost always someone who explodes at you.
Then you get confused as to whether you’re actually wrong or that person was just a jerk who likes to yell at people.
Anon, I think you really need some support. There are so many resources for people just like you. Please make use of them. You deserve to be happy. You really, really do.
Every Friday, Boggle adopts the format of a traditional advice column to answer someone’s letter in-depth. Have a problem you can’t explain in the space of a single ask, but you still want to know what Boggle has to say? Write to him here. You will always remain anonymous!
This week: Coping with bullying in the workplace.
Dear Boggle, I have a problem that seems out of my control. I work for this telecommunications place and it’s really small. There’s only a few people that work there and out of that few, I have been there the longest. Despite the fact that I am reliable and pretty good at my job, every time I come in below the goal we are to meet, I get humiliated by my boss as well as one of my coworkers. In fact, the other day, my boss flat out called me pathetic while I struggled to do the best work I could.
Now when the others around me don’t reach their goal, nothing but encouraging words are said to them. However, I get “You’re pathetic.” And, “You’re letting us down.” More than once I have left work upset and crying at this hypocritical behavior from my boss, and now that my coworker has started in on doing this, it’s getting even worse.
This is my first job ever and as much as I hate to say this, I need it desperately. I’m too scared to confront either one of them because my status as an independent contractor allows my boss to terminate my employment whenever he sees fit and I really can’t have that happening. I just don’t know what to do. Every time I get humiliated like this, I just bite my tongue and hold back tears because it seems like there’s nothing else I can do without getting fired. I could really use some advice if you have any.
It might help you to put this in its proper context if we call it what it is: bullying.
Practically speaking? This situation sucks. You’re an independent contractor, so you don’t have an agency you can appeal to that could threaten to blacklist your employer. You said it’s a small company, so I take it there’s no HR to mediate for you. And you’re in a better position than I am to judge whether putting your foot down and standing up for yourself would make him back off, or dismiss you on the grounds of an ‘attitude problem.’
And I assume you’re already looking as hard as you can for a new job.
That bullies don’t go away just because you’re adults now is one of the more dismal realizations of adulthood. And unlike the bullies from the schoolyard, adult bullies can cost you your job and deprive you of a reference. So I’m not going to be disingenuous and pretend that heroically standing up for yourself is automatically the solution to this kind of problem. There are practical considerations that can’t be ignored, like eating food, and paying rent.
That said, standing up for yourself works a surprising amount of the time. I know you feel like your position is incredibly precarious, but please consider it seriously.
Bullies are simple. They persecute people who are more insecure than they are because exercising that kind of power over someone else makes them feel more secure. If you show them that you’re not insecure (even if you’re faking it), and that you won’t tolerate unfair treatment, you will lose your allure as a victim. The fact that you’ve attracted the attention of another bully is what makes me think this is probably what’s happening. Your boss’s treatment has telegraphed to your coworkers that you are at the bottom of the totem pole, and an acceptable target for this kind of abuse.
Just please think about it. Your boss is a huge jerk, but even he would probably admit that saying “Don’t call me pathetic; I don’t appreciate how you’ve been treating me, and it needs to stop” is a pretty flimsy reason to let you go.
But if you decide that really isn’t smart, then I believe you and support you. The point at which a bully’s mentality crosses into the mentality of an abuser is hard to nail down, and standing up to an abuser often just means that they have no more use for you. (This is not to say that bullying is not a form of abuse, or that the two dynamics don’t end up having a very similar effect on you: just that the places where they are coming from on the part of the person mistreating you are a little different.) And the fact that your boss is so kind and supportive to everyone but you is a big red flag. You might just be an outlet for his frustrations; but singling you out like that might also mean there is a real element here of deliberate and calculated malice.
If that’s the case…no, there probably isn’t much you can do to change the situation until you find another job. I’m sorry. This is awful, and you deserve a whole lot better. What you can do is work on ways of coping with the situation internally. Try to understand that this mistreatment has nothing to do with you. It has to do with a twisted emotional need of your boss’s that he is using you to meet. When he calls you pathetic, it doesn’t mean you’re pathetic. It means he needs to have someone in his life that he can call pathetic. Look up resources for people trapped for fiscal reasons in abusive relationships, or teenagers coping with abusive parents. A lot of what you find will be applicable to you.
Understand that this is temporary. You will have other jobs. You will work for people who respect you. You are young, and life is long, and for the vast majority of your life, this job and this awful boss will just be a cringeworthy story to share over a few drinks. He is going to be a miserable, abusive person for a lot longer than you are going to be miserable or abused.
Raceland mother says daughter’s murder could have been prevented
Posted: May 11, 2015 / 08:06 AM
Two-year-old Ariel Mathieu of Houston, Texas now lives with her grandmother in Raceland, Louisiana. She recently lost her father and mother.“[Whenever she sees a photo of her mother] She whines. Takita was very close to her baby and her whole world,” said Bernadette Mathieu, Takita Mathieu’s mother. Ariel’s mother, 26-year-old Takita Mathieu grew up in Raceland. The popular cheerleader and track athlete at Central Lafourche High never had a shortage of friends.
Her funeral at the Morning Star Baptist Church in Houma (where Takita was born) was standing room only. Friends, family and neighbors filled the pews, remembering this young mother.Takita moved to Houston in 2006. She met Marcus Crocker and they dated for several years. Over time, he became increasingly possessive.
“Like all her friends and family would be around, he would try to keep her from them,” said Bernadette Mathieu.Takita filed at least 7 complaints about Crocker with Houston police before he killed her.In 2009, she filled out a victim questionnaire, writing”:
“I am afraid for my life. He has told me that I should leave Texas because he would [expletive] me up, or he would pay someone to do it. He told me that my truck isn’t safe and I am not either…He’s texting me non-stop. I am afraid to go home. He’s going to get me.”
She also wrote: “He sits and drives past my house and follows me on the freeway.”
“He broke a window on my truck and kicked my door in.”“He took an electric saw and cut my door to enter.”
Takita ended the relationship at the end of November, but her family says Marcus would not leave her alone, constantly calling, snap chatting and texting threats. Then he started calling Takita’s family, at one point, leaving her mother, Bernadette, a cryptic message:
“I’m like I’m not understanding this message? And he was like, ‘I just want you to keep the baby for a couple weeks and I just want you to be with your grandchild. And love her for me too,‘” said Bernadette Mathieu.
In January, Takita reached out to Houston police, complaining about at least 40 harassing texts from Marcus. She went to the police again in February, telling them Marcus called her more than a hundred times. Her sister was with her that day. She says Takita told police she was afraid for her life and needed a protection order immediately. They said they would get back to her in two to three days.
“My daughter told me when they left out of the police department, it was like they didn’t even give a damn. They were like well, you have the papers. Takita asked them, ‘What can I do? Can you just pick him up, can you just arrest him?’ He told her ‘no, he had to do something to her.’ Two hours later he killed her,” said Bernadette Mathieu.
Just hours after leaving the police department, Marcus showed up to Takita’s work. He shot her in the head. Then shot himself.“I mean he broke her down mentally, she should have left Marcus a long time ago, because I thought he was a monster, but then you know — I didn’t want to push her away,” said Bernadette Mathieu.Now she wishes she had pushed harder.“Please protect yourselves and if there’s anything that you feel is not right in a relationship, get some help. Tell somebody and stay on it. Be careful. My child didn’t have to leave like this,” said Bernadette Mathieu.
We reached out to Houston Police. They told us they tried to follow up on some of these reports, but had trouble getting a hold of Takita. Also, Marcus never actually laid a hand on Takita. This made it hard to move ahead with charges. We spoke with Jefferson Parish Sheriff, Newell Normand. He admitted to us that these cases can be difficult for police:
“I mean, if I wake up tomorrow and I decide I want to take out my significant other, I don’t know that there’s going to be any legislation or protocol or strategy or any of that that’s going to move me or one way or the other. And there’s no reliable predictor tool to determine whether or not that individual has the makeup psychologically to carry out those threats – you never know,” said Sheriff Normand.
Sheriff Normand encourages women to reach out to police, but also to a battered women shelter if you feel like you’re in danger. He also said, cut off communication and change your habits so this person can’t track you down.
Takita’s mother spoke with us because she wants women out there to know, it doesn’t matter if it’s verbal, physical or through technology – Abuse is abuse and you need to get help. Do not wait. She doesn’t want anyone to suffer like Takita did.
tw// mentions abuse, rape, sexual fetishization, pedophilia
long rant ahead (bear with me)
all right so, lemme just get these terms straight, okay? Because it’s been bothering me for the longest time now and I just feel like we need to enlighten people through media, especially those who are still young and impressionable.
I am no hater of bls, gls, or any form of literature that represents LGBTQ+ relationships in the right light. I myself love narratives like that not only because they are enjoyable and cute, but they also do well in representing these relationships so younger viewers get a good understanding and view of the community, which may encourage them to be comfortable with themselves and their sexualities.
THIS IS ALL FINE.
HOWEVER, I’ve always seen this common theme across social media that never sat right with me, which is the frequently “interchangeable” use of BDSM dynamics and straight-up abuse.
Fact: The rate of relationship violence against bisexual people, particularly bisexual women, is much higher than for people of other orientations. Your sexuality does not make you less trustworthy or less desirable as a partner, and it should never be used against you or seen as a “problem” in your relationship.
The World of the Married is one drama I look back on for some of the life quotes regarding relationships. The drama talks about infidelity, but what makes it successful is because the story dives into the reasons or rather excuses each woman tries to convince themselves in order to stay in the same toxic and/or unloving relationships.
The thing is every woman will have rationized one time or another the reason why she chose to hang on, to stay in a relationship and not leave when it was so clear what the correct choice should have been. The question is why? Why does it take the woman so long to leave after seeing the various red flags? Why does she keep hanging on even after the physical and emotional abuse? Why does she keep allowing the man to lie, cheat, disrespect, abuse, and take advantage of her? The reason is, what benefit does she receive from being in it?
There are many reasons like: I’m no longer lonely, I finally have a boyfriend and can show off to friends, I want to keep the family together, I can’t support myself without him, I feel wanted (sexually..), I don’t want to move back in with my parents, no one will want me after we break up or divorce, he is the only one who understands me, I can’t let friends and family know I’m a failure at love, etc. But mainly, the reason for staying was hope that he will change and hoping he will eventually give you what you want (such as marriage, commitment, or children).
So how long does it take to wake up from the same endless cycle of heartache, to eventually realize that the man will never change? And that the inevitable result is either a breakup, separation, divorce or worst yet – murder, death.
As a woman, I’ve always felt we need to look out for each other and call out on the man’s bad behavior. Why should we, women, be subjected to being sexualized and fetishized while tolerant of their bad behaviors, feeding into a man’s stereotype of women having to be submissive and domesticated? To turn a blind eye and enable his bad behaviors while indirectly hurting yourself emotionally?
Looking back, waking up from that fantasy was the feeling of betrayal. It was the feeling of “I’ve done so much for this person, gave up so much, my self respect, my time, my money, losing myself in the process, and yet he didn’t care.” What hurts even more was knowing that in reality, he never loved you. What he loved was just knowing someone wanted him, someone was caring for his needs, someone was gullible enough to believe his lies, someone made excuses for his bad behaviors, and someone allowed him to get away with things.
What’s even harder to let go are the men who you believe you form a connection with, who you believe they truly understand you, and that you two are soulmates. The only problem: the timing is not right or external factors such as parents’ disapproval, distance, they are married, etc. What I have learned so far is, life is supposed to be easy and simple. I don’t believe the universe is trying to make things difficult for you by causing problems. It’s usually the person’s stubbornness that leads to suffering and a lesson unlearned needs repeated heartache to finally wisen up.
If two people are meant to be, timing and situation will be right. Everything will be easy. No hiding from friends or family, they will love and approve of you, they won’t be attached, different pieces of the puzzle will all line up to create the best situation for you.
The other thing is, perhaps the guy had different intentions starting the relationship with you and yet you refuse to believe or oblivious to see. The truth is a guy will always give hints of what he wants. If they are honest, they will be upfront with what kind of relationship they want from you. They will make it known to the world where you stand in their life. If they want to be deceptive then you will hear excuses after excuses, uncertainty after uncertainty. And why would you want a man who is incapable of knowing what he wants, and not knowing what future he sees for himself? That is a disaster waiting to happen, long hours of foreseeable arguments and headaches.
Life is too short to wait for a guy forever. Why do you need to give up your years of youth that amount to a few years together?
Love can be found everywhere, but the most important love is self love. The person who will always be there for you is yourself so treat her with kindness, with respect, and most importantly with love. A man can always wait, but the world will not wait for you to be awesome.
Seeing how things happened with Wang Leehom and Lee Jinglei, got me reading this post again and noticing why her situation is no different than the many other women who are in the same situation.
Seriously if you need fanfiction to teach you what healthy and normal relationships are like, you don’t need fanfiction you need resources geared towards teaching you what healthy and non-abusive relationships are like.
Please go to scarleteen. Please watch MamaDoctorJones’ episode about consent. Please go to people who are actively, explicitly, and specifically trying to teach you about healthy relationships and consent, and crucially, people who have the qualifications to teach you these topics. A fanfic writer might be: secretly a thirteen year old, someone who’s just gotten out of or is still in an abusive relationship and has internalized hurtful messages about relationships because of their abuse, someone who’s bad at writing, someone from an abstinence-only sex education background, someone who has no relationship experience, someone who has different boundaries around sex than their reader, or someone who assumes their readers are all adults who understand what abuse is and the fact that it’s bad and you shouldn’t do it in real life. None of these hypothetical writers deserve to be banned from writing. None of these hypothetical writers deserve to receive abuse for what they’ve written. None of these hypothetical writers should be taken as educational resources about important topics like consent, sexuality, sexual health, or sex education.
There ARE resources out there that are created with the express aim of teaching people, especially young people, what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. For the most part, though, random fanfiction writers aren’t those people, and that’s okay! They shouldn’t have to be. Fanfiction is entertainment, and it doesn’t have to beat the reader over the head with a moralistic message. Fanfiction writers assume, and should be able to assume, that their readers understand the purpose of fiction and aren’t using fiction as a replacement for actual educational material about sexual health and domestic violence.
In fact, it’s actually fucked up and mega super dangerous to actual real people, particularly children, to act like fanfiction is a replacement for education about domestic violence and sexual abuse. Real sexual health and domestic violence support groups and organizations spend lots of time and money trying to get the public educated about consent and healthy relationships, and we should listen to those people instead of acting like consent is a topic that should or can be learned from osmosis through reading fanfiction or watching media.
Especially considering, you know, how much our culture plays fast and loose with the concept of consent, blames victims of abuse, and generally portrays myths around sex, abuse, and relationships.
Normalize regularly reading and rereading nonfiction guides to healthy relationships. Normalize regularly practicing nonsexual consent, checking in with people if they seem uncomfortable or before starting a conversation about heavy topics, taking “no” for an answer, respecting boundaries (yours and other peoples’) without demanding in-depth explanations of why they exist, making others feel safe setting boundaries around you, etc. Normalize reading multiple sources, examining sources, and asking yourself “Who wrote this? Why did they write it? What credibility do they have? Should I listen to them?” instead of just taking absolutely everything you read at face value.
Fanfiction can’t and shouldn’t be used as an exclusive resource to teach you the things the above sites can teach you.
It would be cool if people realized that and stopped expecting random fanfic writers to start every fictional work they write with the express purpose of teaching their audience how sex and relationships are supposed to work. Instead of abusing fanfic writers who explore taboo topics, read and share resources that can actually help people learn about consent and healthy relationships. Because as someone who used to exclusively read fluff, a lot of fluffy fic writers don’t know SHIT about consent and teaching kids and teens that they should look to random strangers as examples of healthy relationships is fucked up.
Omg somebody f***ing put it into words!!
Thank you!! Fanfiction is not a substitute for relationship, abuse, sex and consent education!!
There are actual professional people who are trained to teach this sh*t. Don’t rely on fiction!!
On February 11th of this year, I was walking home from a job interview. I saw CancerChaser pass by a block, so I turned away and backtracked to walk away to make sure to let him pass first so I can get home safely. I turned around and I saw that he was gone. I took a look at a corner to see if he nearby and I saw him talking to someone. As soon as I saw him I started running home. I never followed him.
3 days later (February 14th), I was at a local park. There was a Palkia raid in Pokemon Go that took place at the park. The park in question is a few blocks away from both my location and CC’s, it is also on the opposite direction of CC. The raid in question started around 6:26 PM and I went in with my local raid group around that time. I have logs of the group chat to corroborate this, in fact. After we have finished the raid, I noticed CC on the street side of the park while I was sitting on the bench around 20 feet away from him. Right after that I put my head down and focused on catching Palkia. After catching Palkia, I noticed CC was gone and I left further in the park away from the street.
February 19th CC sent me this harassing email. Only noticed it now (March 5th) because I periodically check if CC sends me emails in case he happens to do so. I never respond only keep the emails to document.
I am not subscribed to him on YouTube. If I am, which account is it? Why would I subscribe to someone who exploits me, harasses me, and sends me bullying messages like this unprovoked? I have him blocked everywhere. Why would I subscribe to a local stalker like him? Especially if he tells me I was never good to him.
Calling me a nasty fat whale in Caps. What a strong moral character. No way toxic at all. Gotta love the fat ass shaming, despite 2 years ago wanting said butt.
You cannot have a CancerChaser moment without projection. That is like a modern Nintendo platform without a Mario game. I never sent any messages to him since 2017. Yet calls me a stalker. Again, I have not sent messages to him calling him a “nasty, FAT ASS WHALE” or “ I was a good friend to you, but you were NOT to me!” or calling his phone to tell him “ Go F*** Yourself.” . The only solid lead he has is that he has seen me on the streets, but that is highly probable because we live several blocks from each other. I make sure to avoid his street at all costs. If the bus I board passes by his home, I make sure I am 4-5 blocks away when I stop and go further away from his street on my way home. I know where he lives, so if I was really stalking him, he would likely catch me there. Never closer to where I live or anywhere else.
Very interested in those “threats” received on Facebook. Interesting choice of words. Also gotta love the quotes around friends implying I have none despite meeting one of mine IRL.
As you can probably tell, this is a poorly done intimidation tactic. Seriously, the email he sent me was pointless. If he was actually serious, he would send me nothing. He would go straight to the police. He knows my info so he can get the cops if he has strong proof to warrant my arrest. If he really knows people in the local police department and he brings up his side of the story of me “harassing” him, they would tell him that to not engage with me and to not divulge information about this, like what he is doing on the email. The insults at the end also do not help his cause, either. Making threats like that is shooting himself in the foot.
This creep will never stop. I doubt he knows about this blog yet. Nothing that points to it is referenced at all. Again, I never have interacted with him after the last email in 2017. Very odd that he said absolutely nothing after April 2018 but suddenly get an email in February 2019. I suspect that he was waiting long periods of time to get at me over and over and here it is. As stated in Chapter 9. I totally called it.
First of all I would like to thank everyone who has liked, reblogged, and supported all the previous chapters throughout the entire story so far. You were amazing and I loved how you decided to read all of those long posts I put out there. I have no idea how much was read, but I am grateful I have some audience. I need to be grateful to have some people willing hear me out. And to see that many people have responded so passionately in regards to my question of CancerChaser claiming to be good in the context of everything he did or did not do, made me feel very good inside. All of you who responded made are the highlight of the year for me. From the bottom of my heart:
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!
All of the responses have no real preference to me because I don’t wish to cause infighting or jealousy. I think everyone’s responses equally important. I will pick the most memorable point of the responses to the CancerChaser question. From lettucegarlicbacontomato:
It is obvious that CC was projecting. He was projecting in his email where he tried to make an empty or poorly aimed threat at me just like he was projecting when he tried to say that he would do the same in regards to me getting the authorities involved. This man clearly cannot handle anything critical coming his way. He takes what negative things he says and throws it back thinking it would hurt them. But it does not apply to me because I certainly do not try to talk to people who cause me trouble especially getting in the way of my job. And if he had anything on me, he would just go to the cops. I warned him simply because I was tired of having to hear from forced interactions by him to me. I thought if I told him that I am going to start getting law enforcement involved, he would back off. He did not; so I tried getting them only to be convinced to drop it.
I looked up the second number CC used to harass me. It led to a shop I am going to have to keep confidential because I do not wish to try to get them in trouble for whatever CC did with one of their phones. I told the person who seems to run the place about CC’s use of their phone. What I got in response was the man suggesting that I should take CC to court over this if he broke the law. Again, I do not have a war chest to do take legal action like this. Hopefully one day I can get enough money for a war chest to respond to CC if he tries anything after the fact or anyone else who is this intrusive like him.
As I stated before, I have never given CancerChaser any interaction whatsoever after responding to his harassing phone call he got through the phone transfer. And months after his projecting email, he went again on Facebook using a different account to send me a message, as I have blocked both of his accounts that bear his real name. I know it is him because the person’s account he used on me has the same surname and through searching CC’s real name would also give you info of relatives and that relative name also appears. I will not disclose details for privacy reasons. Have no idea why the relative would send me any messages to me as I never met the person either, which means it was CC using that person’s account.
After CancerChaser sent me that very atrocious projection email, I started to consider making this tumblr blog to write this story. But I waited until I got 100 followers so people would know what was going on. I got much more. A few paragraphs in the introduction was my progress when CC messaged me. And from there I knew I HAD to write and post this. There was A LOT of interruptions that happened behind the scenes that were unrelated to CC or the writing of the story that got this delayed constantly. I initially had a goal of finishing this by end of June or July but when I covered Chapters, it took a huge amount of time for me to finish each Chapter and I learned the real nature of the process the more and more I started working on them. I had to format, check spelling, think, double check details, cross reference, review drafts, look at files in relation, search my emails, and tons of other things. All of this on computers I used on a library and computer labs. I also had many interruptions take place, family related, as well as staying on top of Pokemon Go. Each month Niantic had a Community Day where certain Pokemon to catch showed up in mass with a shiny version possibility. As well many other Pokemon Go events such as Raid Days for Legendary Birds. I also had busy things to do, such as working volunteering in conventions and scheduled meetups. And finally when I went to the library in October, there was a hiring event for me to get a job and I applied. I did not expect to get hired because I applied to many jobs and got no followups and to my surprise I got hired. So the job I received had taken a ton of my time so that caused Chapters to pushed even further and I was working on the 7th one when it happened. I even lost my flash drive containing my files, but luckily I had posted many Chapters and still had access to the emails and other similar evidence.
All of this is why it took the entire year for me to post all of the story by now. I wish I could have finished it earlier, but again, I used borrowed computers to type this up. It seems to be old news by now, but given the limited time to use computers to write this in a competent manner combined with interruptions there was no way I could have posted everything before without doing costly measures.
I know this may be an old issue by now and it may true that CC has not interacted with me since the Facebook message, but that does not exonerate him. What he did was wrong and immoral. No amount of time can change the fact that his harassment was very uncomfortable and it was very vile of him to get in the way of my job and then start harassing me with hateful messages and willingly sending me very derogatory and hurtful emails. All of what he did is very reprehensible and he needs to be held accountable for it. And also consider 2 facts: First that he lives near where I live and knows my location, which makes his harassment much scary in context; Second, he waited months between the email and Facebook message. Do I need to mention how he called with another number? The man has proven that he lacks restraint. For all I know he has a plan to hurt me even more. I think he is playing into the waiting game very well and is trying to wait longer times so he can use the time as an excuse to keep harassing me and I truly believe that. Just because it happened a long time ago does not make it correct and justified. Especially when I could not be able to post this entire story in its full context in a week.
Would racial slurs and death threats be completely invalidated if they were reported later with actual evidence? Where was Hulk Hogan’s “it happened a long time ago” card? It did not work for him when the WWE scrubbed him off their records for a while over his racist candid comments. Also some of the incidents that occurred that were reported later in the NotSoAwesome document of #ChangeTheChannel are in fact up to 8 years old when the document was compiled. Not to mention none of this kind of waiting a long period of time rhetoric has been properly defined despite its strong enforcement. When is the grace period I can properly report incidents? I would love to know so I properly dedicate all of my life to post the exposure and set ALL OTHER IMPORTANT MATTERS aside so I can make sure this issue is resolved, just like how I made sure to redact CC’s identifying details, and telling the truth as I remember it. I even had the “happened a long time ago” excuse used on me when an incident was 2 weeks old. Not to mention I still have nothing but resentment towards CancerChaser because of all the harassment, exploitation, bullying, and everything else has said and done or did not do to me and I still feel none of what he did is justifiable. He literally asked me for endless favors and then told me all of that meant nothing to him because it was never good enough and I proved that with evidence last Chapter.
I have seen CC several other times after he told me how much a worthless scum I always was to him. But I made sure to never even interact with him. Anytime I see him in person, I either run away and take refuge hidden somewhere, or stay inside until he is far away from me. I have seen 5 times this way and the latest is November 7th. I even avoid even approaching the surrounding area where he lives and get off the bus many blocks away to minimize encounters of him. I consider his area of where he lives to be a danger zone.
I will continue to refrain from ever contacting CC ever again. I seriously do not care for him trying to get the cops on me because I have nothing to fear. If they did not care too much about my evidence filled case then CC would have a lesser time. I am posting about him because I need to bring public attention to this horrendous situation as a precaution of disturbing and suspicious creepers such as CC and what to do with disturbing situations like this. These henious actions need exposure as a precaution for people to consider if they get targeted by these kind of creepers. Chasers that are intrusive are very potentially harmful and CC definately proved that. And if that is not enough. I recent found this story of youtube channel illymation who described her story about her creepy abusive boyfriend who lived in California. Watching her story was touching because her recounting her bully gave me flashbacks of CancerChaser. I feel very sympathetic of Ilyssa and her coming with what she went through. I will leave links to the 2 current parts of her story.
Like Harris, CancerChaser has caused some serious problems for me and certainly is a menace around my local area to me. Here is a list of problems caused by him and his other potential problems:
This man’s location as stated many times is very close to mine, making him less avoidable. This makes seeing him much more likely. We kept seeing each other frequently when we were on better terms and after his most horrendous actions meant I needed to make sure to avoid him. Even though I do avoid his street, I have seen him close my home this year; but also seen passing past the library, seen him passing past the pizza place I was in, saw him coming out a gym, and finally I managed to find him when I was buying envelopes. And all of those times I tried actively to avoid him. Him being located this close is hazardous for me. I already know how he abused my phone number and email. God knows what else he can do to me beyond that.
I also have mistaken several people who have a similar body or look for him, which caused me to be scared until I noticed that it was not him by looking at the person long enough or hearing them speak. This complicates the problem. A problem that would not exist if CC did not abuse me as he did.
I also need to take people like him into account when I meet new friends. Before CC, I would have love people reaching out to me and be my friend, but after that, I now have to suspect such people.
His manipulation tactics are another hazard. I have later seen these gambits used again on me from beggar con artists in NYC. I literally had to deal with someone asking for a handout from me and tried using word for word that CC used where he ironically got me to stop liking him forever. Which ties into the previous point. What if I make a new friend and he/she acts manipulative to me in a shady leechy way? I already have a good idea of what to expect from them. He used me and I feel very exploited by what he did. How many other people will never appreciate what I ever do for them? I try to give credit when its due when I am able to. Not only did CC never gave me any credit; he also outright told me I was a worthless. Want to read that last line of the email again?
This last one actually does not apply to me, but would apply to anybody who are unfamiliar with gay people. CancerChaser’s actions as whole are a monumental disgrace to all homosexuals everywhere and can potentially set the LGBT movement far back. I am fortunate can identify CC as an outlier and can separate him from homosexuality, because I have met some wonderful gay people who are leagues superior to even CC at his best. One of them treated me with generosity and I told him how very grateful I was to him and I will never forget what he did. Another was nice to me, hosted a wonderful event I participated in, and gave me a drawstring bag. So I know not to judge LGBT community just by CancerChaser’s terrible actions. I can separate him from his sexuality and not judge any gay person from this just because they have the same sexual preference. But imagine if CC was the very first gay person someone has ever met and he gave them the same abuse and forcing that I received from him. Now add in all the negative stereotypes, prejudice, stigma, and all the homophobia in regards to being gay: CC’s abusive and manipulative behavior can make people homophobic and this is just very wrong. CC is the worst kind of person to meet if you are neutral or biased against homosexuals. The LGBT community has enough problems as it is, they need to never be characterized as harassing bullies, selfish leeches, or unrestrained creepers, that is the last thing they need. All of the struggles to come out of the closet are hard enough. CC brings nothing but dishonor to men who love other men. In my subjective opinion, he is by far the worst homosexual man I have ever met in my entire life.
I need to now answer another question he asked. Specifically his response to when I was nervous around him in the beginning of 2017:
“Who I am? Count Dracula.”
No. CancerChaser is not Count Dracula. Count Dracula is a fictional character created by Bram Stoker. He may be a predator who drinks blood of his victims, but he is not a real human being and he incapable of hurting real people. CancerChaser is a real person who I consider a real terror. From his persistence of harassment, to his overgrown petulant behavoir, his blatant disregard for responsibility, his parasidic behavior, and lack of self awareness; I feel he is a dangerous person who hurts people in real life. Unlike Count Dracula, CancerChaser is not a character in popular media, he is a real legitimate person I have actually had experienced. And I find him to be miles scarier than the Dracula character can possibly be.
CancerChaser does a massive disservice to homosexuals everywhere. He is to gay people as Osama Bin Laden is to Muslims. As far as I’m concerned, he is the Momokun of the LGBT community. CC is pretty much the Bear equivalent to the likes of video games such as: Action 52, ET, Sonic the Hedgehog 2006, Sonic Boom Rise of Lyric, Superman N64, Zelda the Wand of Gamelon, and Big Rigs.
He managed to outdo every person who had wronged me throughout the time we knew each other and every person who hurt me in the past since 2008. J. The junkie beggar. The abusive paramedic. That one psycho I had to deal a year before I met CC. Hell, I was treated better by people on the streets who wanted to beat me up than how CC treated me. I got better courtesy from people yelling profanities at me in person and pressuring me out of my money. And at least J, the abusive paramedic, or everyone else I listed in this paragraph never abused my phone number or email, something CC definitely did on both fronts.
He was hardly any good to me. Friends I already have and have met later already outrank him. The reason I wanted him to play games with me is because everyone was and still is very busy in their respective lives and now I am, too. Complete strangers have done much better than what CC has done at his best. When one of the most positive things about him is that he is not a theif, that is just sad. But even if he was better to me, his attempts to get me to leave my job is still very immoral. I have people in my local area who play Pokemon Go and we help each other all the time. The people in the local raid group give me rides to the raid areas when they can and I find them to be valuable. If I treated them like how CC treated me, with such reckless selfishness; I would be excommunicated. I would recieve much less help from them and my experience would suffer.
I need to reiterate that one girl who I claimed was my girlfriend to CC in vain attempt to get him out of my life. She was a girl I wanted to love and I met her in college. She rejected me and unfirended me on Facebook. After that I left her alone. I never spoke to her again. If I treated her the same way CC treated me, with that kind of selfish lust and controlling demand, I would get restraining orders and might get in serious trouble with the college.
I would rather live out in the cold in negative farenheit degree weather than to ever even approach his home. He is just that toxic. I have never had to deal with someone this horrendous in my adult life ever.
I blog a lot about my experience in leaving my narcissistic ex husband. It definitely wasn’t easy. As a result, I get a lot of PM’s from others on the subject. Often they are just seeking some support or advice on healing. However I get a lot of PM’s saying they are still in their relationship and need help leaving. I’ve always addressed these privately in PM. It’s a sensitive topic. Tonight I was asked if I had ever written out tips or advice on how to leave. Leaving is not a one size fits all event, however I do think it’s a good idea to put some ideas out there. For every PM I get I am very aware that there are others who are too shy or don’t feel comfortable coming out of the shadows.
1. First, if you are in danger.. don’t worry about these steps, just get out. Go to a hotel, to a shelter, to the police station.. whatever you have to do. If you fear for your safety… Do whatever you have to. Just get out. If that means hopping in the car and driving until you have no money left.. do it. But take cash out of the ATM before you leave so you can’t be tracked. If you have children, I can’t recommend that route. If you are caught you WILL lose those children and they will be stuck in that abuse. It isn’t a risk I can recommend.
2. If there is not quite the immediate danger. There are things I recommend doing before you leave if you can.
A. Put some money aside. Even if all you can set back is enough for a couple nights at a cheap motel. The more you can set back the better. You will have to get creative in where you store that money. I had a baby. I put my money inside a baggie and stored it at the bottom of the diaper wipes. He never changed a single diaper, so I knew it was safe there. Another option may be the tampon box, or at the bottom of your cleaning supplies, maybe with the spare tire in your car. In some states you can open a separate bank account and they would have no access to it. Check the laws where you live. Personally I found it better to have the money on hand. I wasn’t dependent on the ATM working or being able to get out as much as I needed.
B. Talk to very trusted friends and family. Don’t talk to ANYONE who is also friends with the abuser. Don’t have an expectation to retain any mutual friends between the two of you. If you do, great, but wait a while before you trust any of them with information. I was burned pretty badly by someone who promised inside the sanctuary of our church, that she wasn’t picking sides and just wanted to be there for me. She had been my best friend for over a decade. Don’t trust anyone who could possibly take the abusers side. But.. you do need to build your support system. Talk to those people whom you’re 1000% certain will stand by you.
C. Call you local RDAP center. (Rape and Domestic Abuse) This is what they specialize in. You don’t have to have been raped. or beaten for them to help. They are well aware that Domestic Abuse takes many forms. They have a lot of resources they can help you find. They also have counselors and they can help you come up with a plan to leave. They should be able to recommend attorneys, sit with you in court, and help you through getting a restraining order if you need it.
D. Make a plan. Where can you stay? Will you need a new job? Who is hiring? If a friend offers their place, be careful with accepting that. If you are worried your ex will come after you or them, you don’t want to put someone in danger.. certainly not without them being fully aware of the risks. Check out shelters in your area. That is what I used and honestly.. it was an amazing experience for me and my girls. However, not all shelters are the same. .so check them out. Family is sometimes an option. Make sure outside light bulbs have been recently changed so you won’t have to risk going inside in the dark. Make sure windows are locked, make sure everyone locks the home securely every single time. Keep a flashlight by your door. Not only because you may need it to see out, but a large one could potentially be used as an unsuspicious weapon. To find your closest Women’s Shelter call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) It is a 24 hour hotline.
E. If you haven’t worked, you will probably qualify for assistance. While you can’t really apply until you’ve left, you can make sure that you have everything you will need when the time comes so that you can get help as quickly as possible. For instance, you will need Birth Certificates and Social Security Cards for you and your children. You will need proof of income and proof of residency. They will want to know about assets. How much is your car worth. If you’re leaving the home, you don’t have to claim your home.. just explain you’ve left your ex.
F. Contact an attorney. I recommend this before you actually leave if you can. They know your local laws, they know the local judges, and they can tell you if the plan you’re making is a good idea for court. For instance.. if you have children, don’t leave the state. It will work against you. If you can’t afford an attorney, there are often still some options. Most (Not all.. mine was no help) areas have legal aid that can assist with divorce. Sometimes they only assist in cases of Domestic Abuse. Sometimes you can also find an attorney pro bono. It doesn’t hurt to look into it. The RDAP center hopefully can help in this search.
G. Collect any evidence that you can now. Once you leave, you are not going to have access to everything you do now. If he drinks, get receipts, get pictures or video. If he rants and screams and you’re able to.. record it. Either video or audio, but only if you can do this safely. Get copies of bank statements now. My bank charges $25 per month for them. If he misspends money, get the evidence. Get tax documents for at least the last 3 years. It will be important when figuring out child support, and alimony if that applies. Pictures of the home are important. Either to show that he is a slob if he or.. or that you are not. If he claims that you left the house a wreck all the time, you want to be able to prove him wrong. Make a list of everything you own. It’s hard to make this list 6 months after you leave and you can’t remember what was in each room. If you can, get the value for things. If you don’t know what a tool is called, take a picture and ask a friend or ask someone online. Otherwise you’re trying to describe it and assign a value to it.. it doesn’t work in court. If you have bruises or visible injuries.. TAKE PICTURES!!
H. Get a secondary cell phone. Memorize important numbers for your safe people. If the abuser won’t leave your number alone, you can block them.. but all they have to do is call from another number. More importantly though, you need privacy as you plan to leave. You also don’t want to risk them taking your phone. The last thing you want is for your attorney’s number to show up on your cell phone bill, or for the ex to go through your phone. Keep the phone in a safe place. Password protect it. It’s also a good idea to hide a secondary set of keys somewhere. Get one of those magnetic boxes and hide it under your car or in the trunk.
I. If you use the internet to do any research, go to the library or some other safe place if possible. Have your safe friends research things for you if that’s an option. Make sure whatever activity you have though isn’t trackable. Keep everything off social media. If they hack your account you don’t want them reading your messages.
J. If you think you would qualify for a credit card… take one out. Use a friends address or PO Box so it isn’t sent to your home. It will help to have something to rely on if you need it. Do not have their name anywhere in the application. If their income is your sole income this may not be an option for you.
K. Pack a bag for you and your kids. Just a few days worth of clothes. Keep it at your safe persons house. If you need to leave in a hurry, don’t stop to get clothes. Don’t stop for anything except the kids. Just go. But try to have these things set aside somewhere in case that happens.
3. Even if they’ve never been physical before, the most dangerous time for someone is when they leave an abusive relationship. One of the biggest reasons many people stay, is because they are afraid to go. Even when there hasn’t been physical abuse in the past.. you instinctually know it’s dangerous. Not to mention, you’ve likely heard threats. I know I did. So when you do leave.. it needs to be as safe as possible. If you’ve contacted an attorney and plan to have them served, make sure they are served away from the home. If you’re staying, wait for them to leave and have the locks changed. The house should be completely locked.. but do not plan for you or your children to be home that night. Also, do NOT send them to grandmas. If he shows up.. legally, unless the abuser was served with something granting you custody, they can walk in and take the kids from grandma and she has no recourse. Even so.. it’s better for them to be somewhere they don’t expect them to be and wouldn’t check. How the court handles that differs for each state and sometimes county. So you need to know ahead of time what arrangements you need to make. Follow whatever your attorney recommends regarding visitation between serving and getting a temporary order. Whether staying in the home or leaving, the first few nights especially need to be spent in as safe a place as possible. Rely on your local resources to help you with those decisions.
4. If you need to schedule a time for him to come get his things, do not be shy about requesting police presence. Even if it seems silly, maybe the person has never been physical.. request it. Have the police there. When an abuser realizes they are really losing control, they are far more likely to escalate. It is better to have the police there and not need them than to need them and not have them.
5. Ask those close friends and family members to write affidavits for you. They need to be short and to the point. You don’t want to annoy or piss off your judge with 50 pages of “I never liked the ex, I think he’s a jerk.” They aren’t interested in drama.. they want facts. So if you have a friend who can testify that you’re a good parent, your kids are well cared for, clean and well fed. They behave relatively well when with you etc… that is what you need. Unless they have witnessed abusive or questionable behavior from the ex, they need to focus on you and not them. It can be telling however.. if they’ve never seen the ex interact with the kids.. they can say that. One comment. They don’t need to spell out what that means. This worked for me.. it also worked for my mom. When she was asked why she thought she should have custody, she talked about how close she was to all of us. The meals we liked, the clothes we preferred, music, hobbies, interests. She talked about giving us baths when we were younger, the ways she successfully disciplined etc. When my dad was asked… he badmouthed my mom. His focus wasn’t on what we needed or who we were. His focus was on making her look bad. Judges and court officials know you don’t think well of each other. Otherwise you wouldn’t be divorcing. It is absolutely ok to bring up abusive behavior IF it is something physical or tangible. If it something that ban be proven, the court is interested. However in the event of emotional or psychological abuse.. there is no proof. It won’t really do you any good to say he was mean. Again though.. your attorney knows the judges in your area.. follow their advice here. One of the best affidavits I had was from my pediatrician. He’d never been to an appointment. But she could say that I was receptive to her advice, the girls were clean and well behaved and that she’d witnessed loving behavior from me to them.
7. Self care. This is going to be really hard. Don’t forget your self care. You need to take care of yourself so that you can be as strong as you need to be every step of the way. Drink lots of water. Small amounts of exercise if you can. Long hot baths. A manicure. Read a book. Light a candle.. sit for 5 mins with a cup of decaf tea at the end of the day. Eat healthy… go to the Dr. Please, please, take care of yourself.
8. Educate yourself. Spend time on your case. Research, talk to other people who’ve been there. I recommend the Facebook page OneMomsBattle as a great resource. You can ask questions in PM there and she will post it anonymously for others to weigh in on. The woman who runs it is named Tina Swithin, she has written books that I’ve heard amazing things about. She describes her divorce as a Category 5 Divorce. However she has managed to win full custody of her girls, and just this year, she won the ultimate battle to protect her girls in terminating her ex’s rights as a father. Also check out online support groups for those recovering from narcissistic abuse.
I want to point out, that I am not anti-father’s rights. I am not pro-mom. I am pro-child. Whatever the children need. If the ex is truly a good parent, then by all means they should have the ability to parent. In the case of narcissism, they are never truly good parents. They may be able to put on the show for a while, but their true colors will eventually shine. However, courts do not take emotional abuse seriously, and forget about spiritual abuse. Courts won’t touch it. All of this is based on my own experiences here in the US. Also.. I tried really hard to use non gender terms… because this is not solely a male issue.. however my ex is a male, and thus far the case of every person I’ve talked to in PM.. so if I slipped anywhere it wasn’t intentional. When I have more time I can proofread it and make any changes where I see this, but please don’t sent me hate asks or PM’s pointing out women can be narcs also. I absolutely agree! I have known men who found themselves in these circumstances. I’ve known far many more women though. Statistically, men are more likely to be a narcissist than a woman. The asshole disease knows no gender though.
PLEASE!!! If you have tips or advice to add to this… PLEASE add it!! So many people need help in leaving toxic and abusive relationships. I know I have a lot of followers who would really appreciate any advice, support or help you can offer.
Long Post so TLDR is - 8 Traits of a Shitlord Abuser
So, I’ve been having a really cleansing convo with a BFF today about the abusive relationship I was in many years ago.
I struggle with wanting to say the name of the man who did this to me. Who was my boyfriend and who raped me. I struggle with the fact that if I open up too much about it all, there is victim-blaming sure to follow. I don’t need that. I’ve hurt enough. I wish our legal system was set up to validate and protect. If it that was true, I’d scream his name from the rooftops.
I have never been able to do anything to protect other girls he might’ve preyed upon. But after all these years, I long to do something.
So this is what I’m going to do. I’m going to tell you the eight things I know about abuse in intimate relationships. I don’t know if this will help anyone. But it has helped me to write it.
1. Your abuser will devote themselves to you with the intensity of a thousand suns. This person will often present themselves as the answer to every insecurity you’ve ever had. All the things the other boys don’t like about you? He LOVES those things. He buys you gifts that have long backstories about how thoughtful he is and how perfect this item is for you. He wants to be near you all the time and call you and be with you. He thinks of nothing and no one else. He will show up in the rain and stop eating if you don’t call him. You feel like you are worshiped and therefore are so cherished. This is a deceit. You are his quarry and he loves you in the same way Ahab loved that fucking whale. It is his life’s obsession to ensnare you. You are not a person to him. See what happens if you don’t want that gift, and refuse it because it’s too expensive or something you don’t need. See what happens if you want to spend the day with your family or girlfriends and don’t call him to check in three times. He loves who he needs you to be, not who you are. I promise.
2. Your abuser plans way more than you realize. He has targeted you among other potential prey. This comes in the guise of him telling you you’re not like other girls or women he’s met. You’re so incredibly special. And you are, but not in the way he should mean that. He means you’ve got the right constellation of traits that he is the expert at hunting. You’re a gazelle among zebras. And today, he plans to bag himself a gazelle. The things you realize after the fact that you don’t know about him? That’s not by chance. He never wanted you to know. He’s a great secret keeper. And when things do leak, like he’s not the age he said, or that car isn’t actually his, it’s always because he was ‘too scared’ to be truthful because you’re just so good and wonderful and he wanted to be worthy of you. This is horseshit. This is him distracting you from deceit into comforting him. He intends this.
3. Your abuser can’t live without you. He will stop eating or threaten suicide or display depressive traits when you begin to distance. When this doesn’t work, he will resort to threats and intimidation. And he will remind you that he was the only one who ever saw you as lovable or special. Good luck finding anyone else to love shitty garbage pile you. Now he’s the special one. And you would be a fool to let him get away. There is no life or love without him. But he doesn’t love you. He just doesn’t like to lose.
4. Your abuser believes that they are somehow exceptional. They are better than everyone else in some way. They have better tastes, they are smarter, they are outside the rules in one or more areas. They’re a maverick. And they’ve chosen you, so now you’re exceptional as their chosen partner. What an honor. They will also never see their behavior as abusive. As an exceptional being they are used to being misunderstood by everyone. In the end, if you reject them and name them for what they are, they will be disgusted with how mundane you turned out to be.
5. Your abuser will push boundaries early. From the first meeting or date, you will notice something. Often it’s something really small. They overstep a boundary, maybe even a small social boundary. For some people this is a mere gaffe. For this person it is the beginning of everything. They are the last to leave the party at your place despite you yawning and saying you need to go to bed. They ignore social cues and press their agenda. They’re not in love at first sight. They’re not awkward. They’re testing you.
6. Your abuser hates your friends and family. But only because they don’t get him or want to rob you of this amazing love with which he’s showered you. He will drive a wedge between you by alternating being angry/jealous to playing the victim of your loved ones’ supposedly unwarranted concern (and eventual hostility). This is not jealousy on his part, or an inability to share. This is a calculated move. He is a hunter and he is separating you from your pack.
7. Because your abuser hates to lose, they will do all in their power to destroy you when it’s over. If it’s clear he cannot win this time, he will try everything he can to take something away from this hunt. Even if it’s just your self-esteem and dignity. He cannot walk away empty-handed. He will say every vile thing you’ve ever been afraid might be true about yourself. He is a worm-tongue. Do not believe what he says.
8. Your abuser is unlikely to face repercussions for his predation. This is not your responsibility. Pursuing justice for yourself must be weighed against broken systems that enable these predators in the first place. The system that made him is usually unable to mete out justice for his crimes. This will likely make you angry. Use that anger to fuel your survival, which is a radical and defiant act. Do not allow him to dominate the narrative you make of this part of your life. Your story is something no one can take from you. Not even the most skilled hunter.
This post is a submission by an author who prefers to remain anonymous. Please respect their privacy and do not speculate about their identity.
Trigger warnings: discussion of abusive relationships, mental illness, victim blaming
I am a biromantic asexual. I suffered an incredibly abusive relationship all through out my childhood. I have been diagnosed with OCD, anxiety and depression. For years I have been told that these things are directly related, both by mental health professionals and by those close to me. Before learning about asexuality, I really thought that my history of abuse and mental illness had cut me off from ‘normal’ sexual/romantic relationships.
It took a long time and a lot of courage to accept that was not the case, and to convince myself that these aspects of my identity are not causes and repercussions of each other.
I am an abuse survivor because I let an awful girl destroy every aspect of who I was before I knew her. She cut me off from everyone else in my life. She took away everything I loved by telling me they were worthless passions if she did not share them. She triggered my anxiety and paranoia, and she took my happiness. My abuser took everything from me, but she did not take my ability to be attracted to people. I was asexual before her, and I am still asexual now that she is gone from my life.
To all those aces who are told their mental illness or abusive past ‘broke’ them: it didn’t. Your asexuality is not a side effect of your personal history, it is an intrinsic part of it. Your sexuality was not stolen from you, it is still a part of your identity even if those around you cannot acknowledge or understand it. For years I have been told that I am broken, but that I can be fixed. I know now that even if I leave behind my mental illnesses and my history of abuse, I will still be asexual. That part of me is not broken, no matter what anyone else says.
