#actually aro
Why the Aro Community is Important
Alright followers, it’s time for some real talk. I haven’t been very active on here because I’ve been trying to make this post for quite some time, but it’s been hard for me to write. This is extremely personal for me, but I need to put this out here though because a post like this could have helped me a lot several years ago. Before you go on reading I’d like to go ahead and add a content warning for depression and attempted suicide.
I’m proud to be asexual, but its hard to be different from everyone else. I have to live in a society where any healthy relationship is expected to involve sex, even though I’m repulsed by the thought of that. This society is so oversexualized–You can hear it in every song and see it on every magazine cover–and I feel left out for not feeling the same as everyone else. I take pride in my asexuality, but can’t erase the thought that I might be wrong and might just be broken.
“Asexuality is beautiful, asexuality is a gift”, I tell myself, but that doesn’t stop the loneliness, the negativity, the self-loathing, from seeping into every aspect of my brain. Every aspect of my life.
I react to my aromanticism differently. My time is often spent hoping, praying, that I’ll be able to one day feel love for another person. Society has put a strong emphasis on romance, on the beauty of love, and unlike the asexual side of me that didn’t buy into our sexualized culture, the aromantic side of me dove into our culture of romance right from the start, and it’s strangling me.
I hear those around me talking of lovers, of future marriages, of heartbreak, and of all those things that come with romance. There’s one friend who I even believe has found her soulmate, her eternal sweetheart. Before I go to bed I dream of my imaginary lover. My soulmate. I dream of a love that might not ever find me, and that terrifies me.
“My aromanticism is not beautiful, it isn’t a gift,” I tell myself. I don’t try and shield myself from that perspective. I don’t love this side of myself, I never have. I can only pray that one day I will.
Why are there people that say that they’d rather be asexual? Rather be aromantic? I don’t feel like it’s as wonderful as they may think. The suffocating loneliness, the intense self-loathing for traits that are out of one’s control, the intense desire to love, to feel. It’s not beautiful. It’s a monster living in my heart and head, trying to tear apart my soul.
Everyone experiences asexuality and aromanticism differently, but the pain, the feeling of brokenness seems to be a trend at least at the start. Honestly, I don’t know where I was going with writing this. I’m not a good writer, I’m no poet, but I just felt the need to write, to put my heart and feelings on the table for all to see.
I know that asexuality and aromanticism are both beautiful things, but my perception has been warped by the society we live in. When all I hear about in songs, movies, and other media is love, when it’s such a popular topic for most people, it can be a hard pill to swallow to know that you might never be able to experience it. I will continue to seek the beauty in my orientation in order to fully appreciate and accept myself, and live my life in a way that’s best for me.
Does asexuality cause people to perceive their gender differently? Like, I’m not sure if I’m nonbinary or anything, but I definitely feel disconnected from my gender, and have noticed a trend that other asexual people are more likely to be nonbinary than other sexualities.
Does the lack of sexual attraction lead to that disconnection to your gender? As in, not being able to relate to the others of your assigned gender in the same way due to not being in touch with sexuality in the same way as them? It may also be similar with aromantics, I’m not sure.
If anyone has any further input or ideas on this I’d love to know because I’m really interested in this concept.
I’m asexual and aromantic for everyone except for
2 D B o y s
(and girls)
I’m just saying, if anyone here wants to bond with me over the fact that we’re both asexual and/or aromantic, I’m all for that
Can we all do a thing where we talk about how we learned that we were asexual for asexual awareness week? I think it would be pretty neat.
Here’s mine:
I spent years knowing about the lgbtqia+ community and being super accepting of it despite my religious school and family. I think because of this I started questioning. There wasn’t any real reason, I just wanted to look into it.
Through the years I learned about so many different identities in order to figure out what mine is. I jumped from straight, to pan, to bi, to gay, and back to straight multiple times. But no matter what identity I would land on it never felt right.
In hindsight my asexuality should have been easy to figure out. Other people would look at a guy and say how hot he is, while I would just wonder how that’s the first thing someone would notice, and I didn’t even know what it meant to be attractive. I never had crushes and always thought waiting until marriage is easy. I never understood why people would actively seek out sex and crave it, because when I think about it I only feel uncomfortable and awkward.
It’s not as though I didn’t know the word “asexual,” but whenever I came across it I skimmed over it assuming it wasn’t me. I liked the idea of romance and stuff, so past me thought asexuality couldn’t be me. I obviously had misunderstandings about asexuality at the time so I don’t blame myself, but I should have read more into it.
One day during pride month, I was laying around reading lgbt reddit threads, when it just dawned on me that I’m asexual. It really came out of nowhere, it was actually a little weird lol, but I’m happy to finally know this part of myself. This has developed into my knowledge that I’m aro as well.
This was a little long and was posted fairly late into ace week (and I feel like no one’s gonna respond to it), but feel free to add you own story if you want!
So I heard that asexual awareness week is happening over Halloween!!!!! This feels like a historical landmark bc spooky season and asexuality just seems like the ultimate power couple to me idk
Bring back the true halloween spirit by throwing away the sexy werewolf costumes and just, dress up as asexual clowns and scare the shit out of people just like the good old days
This’ll be easy because I don’t even need to wear a costume to be an asexual clown
So I heard that asexual awareness week is happening over Halloween!!!!! This feels like a historical landmark bc spooky season and asexuality just seems like the ultimate power couple to me idk
On the bus ride to my last volleyball game I was sitting behind these 13 year olds and after eavesdropping on their conversation I think they get more action than me???? I guess that’s just the aroace life lolol
Everyone irl is talking about how many kids they want but all I want in life are those car stickers that represent family members but instead of it being me, my spouse, and my kids, I want it to be me and just a ton of dogs. Dream big, kids
I want to talk more about this part of the jaiden video because it was the one that hit me the most
Is it not normal to think or meditate being with someone in a relationship? Shouldn’t it be the most important thing to be rational
DO PEOPLE DON’T ANALYZE THE PROS AND CONS OF WANTING TO BE WITH A PARTNER? WHY? Do people just jump into being in a relationship?
I understand that there must be a feeling but I always thought it was normal to think why you wanted to be with someone and the consequences of that ,its weird
autochorissexual, demiromantic, genderfluid and what-have-you
AUREA - What’s Going On: February 2022
What’s going on in the aromantic community this month?
[Image description: A photo of a wrinkled aromantic flag. Overlaid on the image are the words “AUREA- What’s Going On: February 2022”]
What does an aromantic fantasy-world look like? We’re talking magic, worldbuilding, and no amatonormativity. Tell us about your fantasy-world.
[Image description: A thumbnail of a Google Form with a green background. Overlaid on the image are the words “My Aromantic Fantasy-World”]
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ALTThe first-ever aromantic conference will be live on February 19th and 20th, hosted by spAce Malmo!
All times are in CET. You can learn more about the event on InstagramandFacebook!
Schedule for Saturday The 19th:
10 am - Welcome
10:15 am - 12:00 - Deconstructing Amatonormativity
12:00 - 2 pm - Aromanticity in South-East Asia
2pm - 3pm - lunch break
3pm - 4pm - hangout / networking session
4pm - 5pm - 50 Shades of Aro panel discussion - about the aromatic spectrum
5pm - 6pm - Adventures in Aromanticism
6pm - 6:30pm - Aromantic Census
6:30 - 7pm - break
7pm - 8pm - Aromantic Diary and Aromantic Representation
Schedule for Sunday the 20th:
10am - 11am – Romance Aversion
11 am - 11:30 am - On Being Aro and Autistic
11:30am - 12:00 - Aro UQ research
12 pm - 2 pm - Dealing with Amatonormativity
2 pm - 3 pm - Aro Creatives Hangout and Networking
3 pm - 4pm - lunch break
4 pm - 5 pm - Aros of Colour panel discussion
5 pm - 6 pm - Aros of Colour Arospecs hangout
6 pm – 7.00 pm - break
7 pm - 8 pm - Aro + Trans panel discussion
8 pm - 9pm - Relationship Options for Aros
Image descriptions can be found in the image alt text
In case there’s anyone who hasn’t come across them yet, there are some lovely terms that are just a bit more specific than “aspec”, but broad enough to encompass a lot of experiences - both aspec microlabels and people who don’t fit into the aspec – allo binary.
Aromid: Strictly aromantic, and somewhere on the ace spectrum (or neither strictly ace nor strictly allosexual)
Acemid: Strictly asexual, and somewhere on the aro spectrum (or neither strictly aro nor strictly alloromantic)
Amid: Not strictly aro or ace, but somewhere on both spectrums (or not strictly aro, ace, allosexual, or alloromantic)
Of course, some people who fit these can call themselves aroace, but they may be useful or comforting for people who feel disconnected from the aroace label, those who have a complicated relationship with allosexuality/alloromanticism, or those who are neither a- nor allo-
I was just thinking about how my thoughts on spooning and the way ppl react to them feel like the most heavy-handed metaphor for how people respond to a-spec people
I don’t like spooning. I get that others like it, but it’s all sorts of no for me. And for years, it felt like I couldn’t escape people asking me “oh, are you the big spoon or the little spoon?”
“neither - I don’t really like spooning” I’d respond, and never get to expand before the individual would immediately launch into how “oh, but it’s so great! what position did you try? you must not like that position. you’ve tried both? maybe it was just the person you were with! oh you’ve tried with multiple people? that’s terrible! but spooning is the best thing! I can’t imagine not liking it, I’m a small spoon and it’s so great!”
and, if that weren’t enough - it didn’t matter that I like other forms of contact. I simply must like spooning in another context, somehow, because anything else made the other person feel sad.
it would have been funny if it weren’t so upsetting that the broad a-spec community on tumblr at the time felt exactly as obsessed with spooning.
wow i love aromantics
Being aromantic fuckin rules actually. Our flag is sick as hell. Every aromantic deserves 800$ wired directly into their bank account and a cool pair of stompy boots.
hi time for my one post of the month,
You are not hurting anyone by expressing your disdain for romance or anything to do with it. Saying “I’m not interested in that kind of stuff,” “it’s just not for me,” or even just “I just don’t like it,” should be perfectly fine and acceptable and if someone gets twisted up over it then they just need to get over it. It is okay to express yourself. It should not be that big of a deal.
some aplatonic people call people “friends”.
some loveless people say “i love you”.
sometimes it’s better to say those words instead of trying to express it any other way. some people won’t understand it and it’s better for everyone
aro tumblr is the best place like you click on the aromantic tag and suddenly you’re transported to this magical realm where ppl know the word amatonormativity
adventuresoutsidethegenderbinary:
Oh by the way pride month absolutely includes our asexual and aromantic friends. To all my ace and aro homies, you are valid and we love you! Exclusion has no place at pride.
A wonderful pride month to all my aromantic people!
Swinging the bat at the hornets nest by criticising fandom again but the fact that it is a given that any fanworks will be romance and shipping focused (and it IS, exhibit A being goddamn ao3 has the / tag type to list romantic relationships and another, &, for every other type of relationship ever, exhibit B being all the “fanfic tropes” are romance tropes common in romantic fanfic, i could go on) is so alienating as an aromantic person, especially as a romance repulsed person. I can understand romance being a fandom focus for fandoms of romantic media, but irrespective of what the fuck is going on in canon fandom is ALWAYS shipping-centred and its so isolating.
I made a new quiz for my aromantic folks out there. I’ll guess what your aromantism is about, based on tarot minor arcana suits.
I made it quickly so I might add a few more questions later.
[id: Your Result: Pentacles. keywords: Stability, safety, money, nature, prosperity, health, long term, home. You don’t know where being aro will lead you, but you own it and make the best of your life anyway. You see a peaceful future, and I swear to you that you will get it eventually.]
people talk about gay coding villains all the time but never about aro coding villains and it’s honestly everywhere it’s like “oh this terrible guy cannot feel love and it makes them a horrible person”
and before someone tries to debunk this with “oh but theyre not actuallyaro theyre cant feel anykind of love theyre a psychopath” that’s like saying buffallo bill from silence of the lambs isnt a transphobic caricature because he’s not actuallya trans woman
also. “No don’t worry, this isn’t arophobic, it’s just saying mentally ill/neurodivergent people are monsters.” is NOT the argument you think it is. like yall understand why that isn’t better, right?
in addition to just being blatant ableism, it’s entirely ignoring that queerphobic stereotypes go hand in hand with ableist ones, because being gay/trans/aspec/etc is pathologized. “they have this orientation because they’re mentally ill, and mentally ill people are terrible” isn’t refuting anything, it’s literally the thing the creators were going for. the response to being grouped in with another minority shouldn’t be “oh i see, you meant to pick on them, not me, carry on.”
Acting like the presence of ableist stereotypes somehow precludes the presence of queerphobic ones is shitty to literally everyone involved.
the response to being grouped in with another minority shouldn’t be “oh i see, you meant to pick on them, not me, carry on.”
Please respect partnering aros who do not use or feel comfortable with queerplatonic terminology for their relationships. I personally find the terminology weirdly unsuited to the way I do relationships (even if it technically should be), but other people might have different reasons for not using it. I support people’s right to use it, but I don’t like it applied to me.
In addition, please respect aros who feel a disconnect or aversion to the concept of attraction, even tertiary attraction. We’ve made a lot of progress with respecting people’s boundaries around the word “love” and accepting the idea that it’s an individual person’s decision whether to call something love or not, but I see the language of tertiary attraction applied to people whether they like it or not. I don’t use tertiary attraction language for myself because it makes me incredibly uncomfortable to view my desires and preferences through the lens of attraction. Again, if the language helps you or applies to you, I respect that, but it doesn’t apply to me.
Friendship As an Aromantic
A poem written by me (@siriuslyremus)
