#anxiety
But I’m a sunflower, a little funny
If I was a rose, maybe you’d want me
If I could, I’d change overnight
And turn into something you’d like
But I’m a sunflower, a little funny
If I was a rose, maybe you’d pick me
But I know you don’t have a clue
This sunflower’s waiting for you
Waiting for you
Everyone around me are growing up and getting their lives together but I can’t even get out of bed.
I just want to leave like I never existed.
I don’t want anyone to remember me,
I don’t want to hurt anyone.
I feel like I’m not supposed to be here.
I don’t want to do anything anymore, I don’t want to be anything anymore
i’m so tired
i’m so hurt
i’m so sick
A few months ago I started learning and practicing Shibari “Japanese rope bondage” it’s a very artistic mindful practice and I have made it part of my weekly regimen. I thought it was just a kink I wanted to explore but I didn’t expect it to become a coping skill for my anxiety I have found it’s helped my anxiety my dissociative disorder and sensory processing disorder and over all my confidence. When I was first learning it took patients I watched YouTube tutorials and paused and rewound over and over again I would get tangled up and frustrated I would mess up and start over I focused all my energy on learning and found my mind less cluttered of all the intrusive thoughts I struggle with daily… I could quite my mind just like some may do with arts and crafts or a beloved hobby this might even be considered a hobby. For me it’s more of a lifestyle. As I learned how to tie my first harness I was so proud of myself for sticking to something until completed and added boosts of confidence as I looked at my beautiful body bound in rope I felt sexy and empowered. and the results reminded me of a tight hug like the same feeling I get from my very therapeutic weighted blanket. Dealing with dissociating I loose connection with my body. describe able to an out of body experience rope helps me be aware of myself to feel where each body part is and how it’s being hugged it a simple term rope grounds me and keeps me present. with anxiety it’s easy to get lost in racing thoughts that create panic soon I might be breathing heavy and my heart racing and you would think being retrained would cause more panic but now I have no other choice but to take deep breaths and find my calm the rope helps guide my breath steady. As I take a deep breath in… my lungs expand my ribs widen and feel the rope grasp me tighter as if whispering to me its okay you are safe you are present you are here in this moment and as I exhale I feel the rope loosen it’s loving grip still wrapped around me just a bit lighter .. the rope sighed a relief with me as I’m assured everything is okay I am present I am grounded I am loved … I don’t know how to explain all of this so I went to google to find out other people have used rope to help them just like me it’s not for everyone but for some it’s fucking magic . What I find fascinating is that you are literally binding yourself and liberating yourself … how freeing it is to me. In my past I have been In Situations where I was held against my will. I could not escape I was trapped I was traumatized now living with PTSD from multiple sexual assaults I have a fear of being held down of not being able to escape to get away a fear to protect myself from such threats… with rope and self knotts …I am the captor the captive and the liberator . I am in control completely I am submissive to my self it is a practice of self love . And a powerful feeling with in myself that I have control of my body I say what goes. I create the feeling and I take it away . A relationship i create within myself. And new way to trust. To find peace in the uncomfortable till it becomes comfortable soothing I can relate the process to yoga . The captor the captive the liberator getting to play all these rolls in one setting is in empowering to say the least . There something about psychologically that I haven’t quite figured out yet but it helps my mind It finds a way to heal the wounded parts of me . It soothes me it liberates me empowers me. Frees me loves me keeps me focused grounded happy loved.
To wrap this up idk how to but I’ll try my best ….. I consider myself a rope bunny now although I’m an amateur and have only learned self knotts I’m excited to go further with my trusted Dom/master to tie me up himself in more confined restraints to let someone else do this to me requires a great deal of trust for me and most. I have a very loving relationship with my Dom . When I started Shibari I thought it to be something to bring more kink into my sex life but you see it’s so much more then that… I have played while bound and enjoy it very much I’m ready to have my arms tied behind my back and try other more retained knotts and I’m even excited to be suspended into the air wrapped in the Beauty of rope. The possibility’s are endless and it is a art to me … and mindful task I’ll say again a grounding activity … and empowering hobbie and loveing motion . A freeing feeling I can not describe… Shibari much more then that . Thanks for tuning in have a beautiful day loves
Having the ability to address your feelings does. Accepting accountability does. Cutting out negative behaviors and people do. Recognizing your mental health is a priority does. Time made me realize that wounds can become worse if I’m not proactive. Be proud of everything you have accomplished no matter how small. Time taught me that life goes on, so it is up to me to start the process.
Over the years, I’ve learned how to recognize different types of exhaustion. They were not all the same and therapy helped me learn how to identify as they each needed different solutions. I want to focus on emotional and mental exhaustion. They may sound the same, yet they require different ways to handle them for me. Click the link the bio to read more.
What types of exhaustion do you deal with? What do you do to work through them?
Sometimes seeking treatment is about regaining your voice and your power. At times we may think that no one cares how we feel, so we hold in. We sit with these feelings that continue to weigh us down. My power comes from working through these feelings and my voice allows me to release them. Everything you experience is valid and there is no timeframe to “move on.” So take all the time you need to work on yourself because you have every right to be heard.
I had a conversation with a friend recently about this. His therapist is moving and he has to find a new one. This is someone that knows your whole world and helping you navigate it. I had the same therapist from high school until I moved for graduate school. She was there through hospitalizations, graduations, breakups, deaths, etc. I think we were both lucky to have someone there for us for almost a decade, but ending that relationship can be tough. Finding a good therapist can be just as daunting as dating. Who really wants to start over with re-telling their story and building that trust, but I think this can also show if you were truly progressing with them.
If you have been in this situation, how did you handle it?
Sometimes you have a plan and life says “let’s try something else.” Some things I wished for, in hindsight, I’m glad they never came to fruition. For years, I shamed myself for dropping out of graduate school. Mentally and physically, I was spiraling downward. I couldn’t imagine where I would be if I continued to allow myself to “push through” when I was suffering. It was two years after my mother died and the grief finally hit me. What help would I have been to anyone if I wasn’t honest with myself? Falling doesn’t mean you failed and the plan you set for yourself can always be adjusted.
My job offers a lot of opportunities for career and personal development. Right now, I’m taking a mini course on potential. The first week, we talked about energy and emotional potential. I want to focus on emotional potential.
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While forgiveness can lead to healing, it can also keep you stuck.
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Over the last couple years, I’ve grown to understand how to manage my episodes better. This has been interesting because when I was younger, I lived with a fear that as I age it would get harder. Personally, learning how to manage bipolar episodes has been accepting preparation with flexibility.
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Life got busy and just trying to manage it all, I had to take a break. With the break, I learned the importance of saying yes. Yes to things I was afraid to do. Yes to new roles with my career. Yes to trying to maintain certain relationships. Yes to do what I want with my life.
Learning how to say no led to me finally saying yes to what matters to me. When you finally push out all the toxicity, heal from it, and can finally accept the breath of fresh air…you are opening yourself up to more opportunities.
I just want to say thank you to those that have reached out. I truly do appreciate it.
To the fathers that are struggling with their mental illness. To the fathers that find inspiration and motivation to keep fighting for their children. To the fathers that continue to provide support to their children that are struggling with a mental illness.
Happy Father’s Day. Enjoy your day.
