Finally, I’m Over You.

It no longer hurts when I think about you. You no longer take any space in my mind or in my heart. I thought those two months meant more than what it truly was. It was a passing infatuation. And that’s okay. You helped me with something so important. You helped me move on from my ex fiance. I thank you for that. Now I’m no longer haunted by the thoughts and memories of either of you. I miss no man anymore. I’m free from you. Free from him. I thought it would take longer to get over you because you impacted me in such a huge way but 3 months was long enough. I don’t need you nor do will I ever want you again. You really missed out on something beautiful. Because when I love, I love hard. I love with every fiber of my being. It’s okay. Someone deserving of that kind of love will come along and appreciate what you threw away.

So well, I’m manic as fuck yet again. I’m doing drugs like crazy. Basically made a porno with another girl for my onlyfans. I haven’t had “sex,sex” with anyone though. Still not interested. Nor am I interested in men still. But I’m being stupid. I need to tell my psychiatrist this. This is crazy how bad my manic episode’s are getting. I haven’t been this bad since I was 17. 10 years. I’m out of control these days. I need help so bad.

Life Is Good.

I’m doing better. Neither manic nor depressive. Loving to the place and roommate. Not worrying about men. Staying single. I’m just enjoying life at the moment. It’s calm. I love it. My roommate has a pup. A 2 year old pitbull. She’s adorable. She makes living here even better. While he’s at work I take care of her. She’s on her period so I cut a hole in a pair of my panties and stuck a pad in it so she can walk around. Otherwise she would be in the kennel. But I’m having fun. Cleaning, taking care of the apartment, taking care of the pup, cooking. I feel like a mom again. She’s so cuddly and clingy like my former pup Ember. She reminds me of her so much. Me and the new pup have already grown so close. I love her already. She’s just so sweet. I didn’t know I was missing this that much. She is filling a void inside of me I didn’t know I had. I get to mother something again. It’s amazing. It feels so good. Life is good.

Leveling out.

I think I’m starting to come down from my manic episode finally. I started taking more of my mood stabilizer than in prescribed. I’m at basically the lowest dose. I think it’s leveling me out. I’m still hypomanic but nothing is uncontrollable anymore. I’m no longer being reckless and incredibly impulsive. Well, not to the extent that I was at. It was scary how out of control I was. I was ready to commit myself. I’m still going out almost every night, having a drink. But I’m not hooking up with anyone, doing drugs or going to anyone’s house and staying the night. So there’s that. I just hope this doesn’t mean I’m about to hit a depressive episode. That’s what I’m afraid of. If I don’t work I’m fucked. So let’s just hope I level out instead of going from one extreme end of the spectrum to the next.

I could very easily snap,…

Given everything going on in my life, my chronic illness’s flaring up, my mental health being absolute shite and the constant suicidal thoughts plaguing me - I’d have a valid reason to just start screaming.

Yet here I still, staring at the wall as I sip my cold brew.

borderlinepdfeels:

I’m never going to be good enough for me.

Nothing I do, nothing I am, nothing I will ever do or be, will be good enough.

There will be a way I should’ve done it. I will make avoidable mistakes. I will fuck everything up.

You should know by now that I will never be good enough for me. I will always fail myself.

When for days/weeks/months/years you’ve gaslit yourself into believing a situation wasn’t as traumatic as you thought but then you have a full blown ptsd attack about it.