Borderline Personality and Splitting Yet Again

Goddamn. Splitting really fucking sucks. I Hella vibe with this guy the other night. Last night we went out to a bar and I was still Viking with him. Took some Molly and I was all over him. But when we got to his house I smoked weed and it intensified the Molly so intensely. In my “clarity moment” I split on him. He was the sexiest thing to me. 6'6, beard, deep voice. Sexy. But when I had my reality check all the affection I was enjoying made me feel absolutely smothered. I didn’t want to touch him, or kiss him. But he’s got aspergers so he didn’t pick up on my social cues. I completely shut down. I just couldn’t wait to get out of there. He kept being lovey dovey and it just made my skin crawl. It’s crazy. Going from one extreme to another. Splitting sucks because he’s a good guy. Not good for me though. I just am no longer interested.

Schizoaffective Borderline and My Clarity Moments

So now that I’ve had my “clarity moments” at this guys house. I’m completely uninterested in him. He’s just a product of my manic episode. And I stayed the night. We didn’t have sex. I just slept. Had to sleep after that horrible trip I had last night. I just need to get to work and get ready and just get on. Distract myself from my problems. Work is a good distraction. I need to focus on that. No fucking guys. Seriously. I just honestly wanted to fuck him. I wasn’t considering a relationship of any type. But still. No sex either. Just stay focused on work. If I’m horny I’ll masturbate. Oh well. No. Guys.

MANIC EPISODE

Fuck fuck fuck. I’m so fucking manic. I didn’t realize how manic until just now. Okay so here’s what’s happened. Me and the boyfriend broke up. I swung into a full blown manic episode without realizing it. I’m spiraling. I met a guy last night at a bar. He was super hot. We connected. Lot of similar tastes. It was great. Well I got his number. Saw that we’ve already texted eachother previously. We’ll we ended up meeting again tonight. We went to a bar. I packed my spenanite bag. Well at the bar I did Molly. It didn’t kick in that much so on the way back. I took more. Well we got to his apartment and his roommate was smoking weed. So I smoked some of my weed. He also had a blunt that I hit a few times. Well now I’m really high and have my little “reality check” moments. What am I doing?

All it takes is for the memory to cross my mind and suddenly maggots are crawling down my throat and I can’t breathe

DONT REPOST / okay to rb if you are a csa victim as well

nothing is really real

DONT REPOST / okay to rb if you are a csa victim as well

Google search history called me out today

People with auditory hallucinations are not your new interest or so fun to write or a writing challenge or so interesting and scary - we’re people. If you’re going to write a character with auditory hallucinations do it with research and respect and check with yourself - is this ableist or fetishistic? hell, i as one schizoaffective person would be ok with answering questions about it if it meant less accidental ableist writing. and if you think people with auditory hallucinations are scary please do your research. we’re scared more than anything else

I really feel for psychotic people and people with ppd in online schooling where they’re not allowed to turn their cameras off. You’re not a bad person for having paranoia triggered. I hope you get listened to and accommodated soon

I hate “nobody is out to get you” type of posts. How do you know? You sound suspicious. You sound like you’re trying to convince me of the opposite of what’s going on. I don’t trust like that.

Join the People w/ Psychosis Discord Server!

If you have a psychosis, please do not be shy and join this server.

Text: I am not ashamed to be schizophrenic

I was born into my prodrome and this illness will be with me in some form my entire life. I would not be the same person without schizophrenia. There is nothing shameful in being schizophrenic, in having a different neurology from other people. We are not lesser, we are our own kind. Schizophrenia is not shameful and never will be.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀