I’m staring to feel the need of cuts, craving the sight of my own blood as a punishment. The things that helped me before, are not working anymore.
I often catch myself degrading my whole being, like as I am an outsider. The memories he made me suffer through are not fading at all, as the doctor has said they will.
Everything is useless. I’m staring to think If It’s worth staying alive or not at all. This is not the usual kind of post, this is much longer and deeper this time.
I’m counting the days I should stay alive but my pen is getting useless day by day. My body feels like It’s rotting with every breath I take and every movement gets me closer to the edge.
His hands made wounds that will never heal, but get nastier and nastier everytime I see them. I wish I never wore a skirt. Especially not that day.
I’m begging for the world to end me in any way. Give me the sweet release of this lie, this false reality. I don’t want to live like this no more.
I’m waiting for the lovely day of my death, the freedom from this suffering. Heaven or Hell doesn’t exist. Hell surely don’t. There’s no worse place than Earth itself.
The sour taste the pills, lefr on my tounge never faided since that day.
Serendipity Monogatari: Pyua-tou no Nakama-tachi Henry und der rosarote Drache
Facts: Serendipity the pink dragon is a 26-episode anime television series producted by Nobuo Onuki and was released back in 1983. A cute little dragon that has an even cuter voice. Little me loved this one as well - what a surprise.
Here we go! Since i’ll turn 30 next monday i thought it would be fun to work on a little sketch series. The first one will contain five sketches of tv shows i know i enjoyed watching as a child. So let’s start!
Unico
Facts: Unico is a manga and anime character by Osamu Tezuka. Unico’s first movie, titled The Fantastic Adventures of Unico in English and simply Unico in Japan, was released in Japan on March 14, 1981.
I was really, reaaaaally young when Unico aired in germany and before i rewatched it a few weeks ago, i just remembered bits of the movies. So i was “shocked” when i found out that Unicos story is actually pretty sad.
It is currently 3:50 am and all I want to do is sleep and forget about this reality for a while. I can’t believe that 7 year old me dreamed of being able to stay up this late.
I’m sorry…I’m sorry for the days that I laid in bed, without knowing or even trying to figure out your purpose for existing or without having a will to continue living.
I’m sorry that I doubted you, and your ability to walk this life with a genuine smile.
I’m sorry for living in that hopeless mindset for years and years, without getting up to try and fix it.
I held onto the thought of a potential life long failure, to keep myself safe from my own disappointment, when I’ve only really held you back from what you could have achieved. I’ve only pulled you away from the opportunities that could have landed you on a path of financial and mental wellbeing.
I should have treated this body like a temple, but instead I treated it as a landfill for hard drugs, bottles of liquor and slit wrists.
I chose to cope with the pain that trauma buried in the deepest part of my mind, in a way that only brought 10x more crisis and hurt into my life.
I’m sorry for the actions and the decisions I made through out my dismal years.
I’m sorry for all the times I’ve tried to kill you, without thinking about the second way out. But somehow we found it, floating in the missing thoughts that hopelessness hid from us.
So I’m sorry, but I also want to say thank you, because without the trauma, the horrible experiences, the childhood of pain, and all of the struggles, I wouldn’t have ever been able to find the strength I have now. I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the small things that a lot of people take for granted.
Thank you for helping me become the light when I stopped searching for it.
