#depression
I’m about to lay one on you … the right telling me that my mental illness is my own damn fault, aka existing on an individual level, is just as bad as the left telling me that my mental illness is a social phenomena, aka existing on a systemic level
both of you are fucking wrong and also ablest by basically inferring in different ways that my mental illness is “fake.” The very first thing my therapist taught me was that my mental illness wasn’t my fault. Like, even if I change myself or change my society or change my circumstances, it was just something I was going to have to live with, and that’s okay.
I understand many people suffer from depression due to external circumstances and I’m really sorry about that. But you have to respect that I suffer from depression (technically bipolar disorder) because God baja-blasted me in the brain with a super soaker of Bad Chemicals. Your utopia-dreaming of erasing my mental illness through social engineering is ultimately harmful.
Maybe one day we’ll create better drugs or technology to better manage mental illness, I’d love that, but until then one of the key ways to managing it now is to accept it as part of ourselves.
Both personal choice AND the system we live in do effect how well we can manage mental illness, but neither is actually the root of it. Saying otherwise plays into a very prevalent and very old form of ableism that assumes that mental illness isn’tphysical.
Hell, I refused to take medication (to my own detriment) until my therapist asked me “Would you refuse to let someone with poor eyesight wear glasses? Would you refuse to let a diabetic person take insulin?” Mental illness is a physical chronic illness and contradicting that is actually a big problem for us and plays into an age-old form of prejudice.
I’m feeling a bit down so sorry for the lack of posts
How Are You?
“I’m okay.”
At least that’s what I tell you
and what I tell myself
Because for as long as I can remember,
there’s been this odd feeling
deep, deep, deep inside of me
that I can’t quite explain
and it wouldn’t go away
Some days it consumes me
downplays even the littlest of the good things that happened to me
It’s as if I deserve this
and I have no right to be happy
I am easily irritated
I push people away
even if all I wanted was to call out their name
and ask them to stay
But what frustrates me the most
is that I no longer appreciate
all of the things that made my worries dissipate
I look at art; I used to make art
because art is supposed to make you feel something
But how is that even possible now
when the void only keeps on growing
and at the end of the day, you still feel like you’re missing something?
That’s why I say I’m “okay”
Two letters or four,
however you spell it
It looks simple and easy
It doesn’t ask any questions
It doesn’t take much out of my depleting energy
And that’s what I want right now —
what I think I need
Some people see past my fictitious testimonies,
my false confidence, false smile, false laugh
So it looks like I’m not succeeding
in the illusion that I keep conjuring
They tell me to man up and to stop overthinking
They tell me to snap out of it; there are bigger problems than my own
Gee, Karen, I didn’t know it was that easy! I should have thought about that sooner
Now, I think you’ve cured me!
I look around me and see how people can just simply be happy
My friends are going to med school,
they’ve defended their thesis,
they sleep in on weekends,
they have time to watch a movie
It looks like things come to them so naturally
Then only one thing invades my thoughts in the wee hours of the morning:
why can’t that be me?
Deep down I know that those things can be misleading;
that these people also have things that they’re keeping
We might have the same struggles,
there’s just a little difference in the details
It’s just that these bad brain days
make me feel like I’m beyond repair,
and this distorted way of thinking is here to stay
and keep me in despair
I tried everything there is:
books that help you rediscover your purpose,
catch up with my good ol’ friends,
chant while in the sitting position called “lotus”,
and redirect my focus to school things instead
I’ll admit that it somewhat helped
and suddenly, things are no longer as intense
So here I am, thinking, “Did I…just make that up in my head?”
So one day, I find myself singing again
ABBA, Beyoncé, Kanye, you name it
I’ve set my mind on grad school
I’m working on defending my thesis
You wouldn’t even believe that I got eight hours of sleep last weekend
I also just watched a whole season of good TV
I didn’t even know that the agents of SHIELD had been battling the Kree
Gosh, I don’t want this feeling to end
But that good, happy place doesn’t last
and the emptiness creeps in way too fast
I thought I’ve had a good grip on this new reality
How did I let it get taken out of my hands?
Here we go again
It’s barely been a minute since I actually felt sane
Here we go again with this random period of crippling paranoia
“Can we please chill for a minute, dear brain?”
No.
And it was there when I came to understand
why people jumped in front of moving trains,
why they threw themselves off buildings,
why some chose to drink the night away
— a quick fix
Acting as quickly as the void that swallowed them whole;
as quickly as their desire to put it all to an end
They say that the truth will set you free;
they say it’ll bring about inner peace,
help you go to bed and finally get a good night’s sleep
but there are always two sides of the same coin
and we rarely talk about the other story,
the one where the truth can be filled with pain and agony
the one that makes us feel that we’re locked up in a box
and then suffocated by a bag full of life’s atrocities
I wish more people would see this truth
that I’m still me and you’re still you
that we are not the demons inside our minds
that every day is a fight to no longer be slaves of the pain we feel inside
I long for the day
where I could be honest
look you in the eye, take a deep breath, and say,
“The truth is, I am not okay.”
I wrote this spoken word poetry piece in the quiet of the morning in my favorite café. All 827 words in under 20 minutes. There were no tears shed in the process of writing and practicing until today, where I broke down mid-performance in front of my literature professor and 16 of my classmates. I guess it was only then and there where I really felt every word I uttered. I was so focused on extracting those feelings and putting them into words, I neglected to understand what they meant. So here I am, back in the café, coming to a realization that there’s still so much pain left inside of me, even if for the past few days I feel like I’m finally getting back on my feet. It’ll probably take a little bit more effort (and maybe even that spiritual retreat next week) to achieve some sort of inner peace, but I’m glad I made this progress of acknowledging my truth today.
If you ever find yourself resonating with this piece, I wish I could surround you with fluffy clouds, cute lil’ bunnies, and all the good things. If you need a friend, my inbox is open 24/7.
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I love you happy valentine’s day whether you’re alone today or spending it with someone you deserve love and happiness ♡♡♡
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For anyone who needs it ♡
Kantor suggests the following presentations when depression or hypomania is present alongside AVPD:
Depression
Self-destructiveness:
Avoidants who aren’t depressed will often try to “get over” being avoidant by developing their relationships. Avoidants who have comorbid depression may deliberately destroy their relationships throughself-sabotage
Hypersensitivity:
While all people with AVPD are hypersensitive to criticism, depressed avoidants’ hypersensitivity will be increased, and extend to things not related to criticism or rejection. They may misinterpret positive gestures as negative ones.
Selfishness:
Because depression tends to narrow people’s views of the ‘bigger picture’, and personality disorders compromise people’s ability to have effective interpersonal relationships, depressed avoidants can become selfishandfocused on themselves.
Anger:
People with AVPD tend to internalise their anger, but when depression is comorbid their anger might be taken out on other people instead of themselves, or both.
Low self esteem:
Low self esteem is already a feature of AVPD, and depression makes it worse. This creates even more need for approval and an even more heightened sense of rejection. Depressed avoidants constantly feel criticised, rejected, humiliated and abandoned. They use their low self-esteem as a method for avoiding (e.g., “I’m scared of rejection and[/because]I already don’t feel good enough so I won’t interact”). This also ties in with self-destruction: “I don’t feel good enough” > “I won’t interact” > “No one is accepting me” > “I must really not be good enough” > [etc].
Apathy & boredom:
Apathyandboredomare used to send (verbal or nonverbal) messages of “You’re not worth my time”, which is a different way self-destruction can present.
Anxiety & panic:
Anxietyandpanic in depressed avoidants can cause self-destructive behaviours, and may be taken out on others.
Grief:
Avoidants dealing with griefafter a loved one’s death may struggle with feeling like the relationship they just lost will always be better than any other future relationship. They may feel like no current or new relationship will ever live up to the one they had with their loved one. This is a coping mechanism for dealing with grief coinciding with AVPD views on relationships.
Hypomania
Compulsive sexual behaviour:
Hypomania and hypersexualityare defenses against depression. Unlike actual sexual addiction/compulsivity, hypersexuality in AVPD hypomania is an anxiety reduction mechanism. A particularly common form of hypersexuality in AVPD is “compulsive autoeroticism”.
“Superficial euphoric franticness”, i.e. hypomania
This can take many forms, but Kantor describes it in regards to relationships. He writes that hypomania in relationships is “a way for avoidants to relate poorly while simultaneously fooling themselves and others into thinking that they are relating well.” The way they do this is by having a large number of superficial relationships, avoiding intimateones.
Narcissism and grandiosity:
Hypomania can cause grandiosity and narcissism, which in people with AVPD can result in discarding relationships.
Hostility:
Hypomania in avoidants usually results in “hyperrelatedness”, i.e. having a lot of superficial relationships. But it can result in hostilityinstead, leading to not having many relationships at all.
- From Distancing: Avoidant Personality Disorder by Martin Kantor (2003)
Neurotypical ppl who got anxious once will be like “haha I’m mentally ill ” and then get uncomfortable when you make a joke about being bipolar
I’m still alive everyone! Depression is a bitch so sorry I’ve been MIA. But I’m here for all your porny needs! Email me! [email protected]
depression apathy is
- walking past your favorite snacks at the grocery store and not having the energy to even want them
- listening to your favorite songs and feeling nothing
- only being able to muster half a smile when your lover finishes telling a joke
- everyone asking you to speak up because your voice feels too heavy to raise
- getting irritated at things that force you to feign interest or participate in small talk
- knowing you’re kind of acting like a dick but feeling too drained to do anything about it
As someone who lives with bipolar, all of these are relatable.
maybe its a good thing that people leave me early, ive noticed a trend with people that manage to put up with my depressed ass long enough to the point where serious feelings develop between the both of us.
i break their hearts, including mine, and its entirly my fault. i did it to my wife, and now i did it to my husband.
why, why do i cheat on them. its because im a whore, a leech, a slut. i dont deserve love. and they deserve so much more. idk if this is a cry for help or not. i just wanted to wollow in my own self pity.
I received a comment on a recent video asking how I was. Wanted to provide a little update on where I am right now in my life. I don’t normally share a lot about my life or where I am personally, but I do believe this will align with my mission to help at least one person. Sending you all so much love. Not sure what this video really is or how to properly describe it since it’s a bit of a depression storytime, anxiety storytime, burnout storytime, how to grieve, how to set boundaries or maybe answers the question: do therapists need therapists? Just wanted to provide where I’m at. So if you’re struggling too, you’re not alone. And it’s temporary.
I’m back with another Therapist Reacts! This time it’s my all time favorite TV show, The Office! This episode of The Office Reacts I’m reacting to some of my favorite The Office clips through the years. From Michael Scott to Jim Halpert to Pam Beesly to Dwight Schrute, I’m showing you my favorite bloopers, scenes and characters from the show. If you’re a fan of The Office, or just a fan of funny things in general, you won’t want to miss this reaction video.
What are antidepressants? How do antidepressants work? Do I need antidepressants? Antidepressants or therapy? Well if you’ve ever had any of these questions, then you should watch this video. In this video I’m talking you through what antidepressants are, how antidepressants work with the brain, and when you may need antidepressants versus just therapy. I’m lucky enough to be joined by my friend and neuroscientist Ben Rein, Ph.D. from Stanford University, because as you know, I am not a neuroscientist!
For the first time, I’m sharing my experience with depression and what that looks like in my life. I generally shy away from sharing too much of my personal life on this channel, but feel this could help people. In this video I’ll talk through what depression looks like, depression signs, depression symptom, teenage depression, hopelessness, feeling lonely and fearful, and a bunch more. Essentially my depression story, and every part of it. If you are struggling with depression, please seek professional guidance.
Many of us may feel sad, alone or maybe even nothing after the holiday season, and this can be very common. I get asked a lot this time of year: why do I feel so sad? or why do I feel like nothing? or why do I feel so alone? or why do I feel this way? There are many reasons that have been studied as to why we feel holiday depression, or some refer to it as January depression, or seasonal depression, or seasonal affective disorder. Regardless of what you call it, here are 3 reasons I feel depressed after the holidays, and more importantly, how you can help challenge or support yourself during this time. Any other tips that have worked for you? Support the community and leave them in the comments. Shop my latest book Traumatized https://geni.us/Bfak0j
Been a little depressed for a hot second so here’s a shoutout to my fellow maladaptive daydreaming bitches!!!!!!!!
