My soul is at a constant tug-of-war between having a happy heart and a melancholy mind. I think that is why I am so positive toward others and sad toward myself.

Sometimes when I’m sad I’ll envision myself 30 or 40 years into the future. I think about her looking into my present life and how hopeless I felt about so many things. And then after, I imagine her laughing at me with tears in her eyes, I picture her saying that it’ll all work out and my life will end up okay. That I found the love and the life my soul had been searching for.

The irony of how we find ourselves the most when we’re lost.

weird-u:

reblog with your 2021 wins

Life on Swings & Roundabouts

So every time I’ve been ready to return on here life has chucked a sack of lemons at me. Anyone who knows me knows I already battle with bipolar and bpd, they will also know that last July I was supposed to have weight loss surgery but the surgeon abandoned it just after opening me up due to findings that could make it dangerous. I was referred to gastroenterology to investigate as there was some concerns that it could be cancer (which it wasn’t, thankfully).

After months of tests, waiting, more tests, discoveries, more tests and results, I have been told I can finally move ahead and have the weight loss surgery. The reason now is not just because for 10 years I’ve been working hard to try and change the quality of my life (I went from 189kg to 124kg), but now it is about preserving my life. I was diagnosed with liver disease as a result of the MRI scan on my stomach. I was told that it was why my physical health has been affected the way it has been but it opened a whole new can of worms for me. It mucked with my mental health further and sent me down a new depressive path because it’s not what you expect to hear. They also told me the best way to treat it is weight loss because there are no medications or cures for it. Without weightloss, each stage will get worse ultimately leaving me needing a liver transplant. So now I’m back at the top of the waiting list for weightloss surgery. I’ve been told to expect it within the next 2 months.

That news is great but some people in my life still think it’s a quick fix to losing weight but it isn’t. I will be having a gastric bypass it will mean a huge change in everything I can eat not to mention how much I can eat. It is a tool to help lose weight not a magical solution to losing it. There are so many negative stigmas attached to such surgery but this is about living now. I have had to start culling my family and friendship circle to only those who are supportive. I’ve been mentally taking time away from things, focusing on spending time with my family. Rewatching Supernatural (it was always my guilty pleasure and comfort especially as I always related to Sam) with my sister and also doing a costume course online and getting in touch with who I am.

I know I haven’t been around for my tumblr and discord friend & family much this year, I’ve had such low points mentally this year where I’ve even wondered if my existence is worth it. Thankfully I moved on from that dark phase and I’m almost back to where I need to be, so I do apologise for my lengthy absence but I am making my way back to where I need to be.

Sending much love to all,

Mary x

“You got to swim”
They say you need to swim,
But as you drown no one offers you a lifeboat, 
No one provides safety.

“Just keep your head above”
My head is constantly pushed under,
Everyone tells me to swim,
To survive.

But they stand and stare,
As I slip further under,
I never surface,
I drown and you yell to me to swim.

No one offers support when you need it the most,
They tell you to do what you dream to do,
But still keep fighting,
“Just keep your head above.”

-Lyrics “Swim”- Jack’s Mannequin