#excerpt from the book i will never write

They say the sky is the limit,
But for me there is no sky,
I live in a box with no escape,
To me the black walls of depression are my limit.

I am locked in a box,
No way out,
I can’t smash the walls down,
I am trapped.

My box shrinks until there is no more room,
Nothing can enter and nothing can escape,
I am trapped with no way out,
No one can save me.

You are who you are,
Your imperfections make you perfect,
What you see as a flaw others see as perfection.

Do not hide your imperfections in the darkness,
Rather flaunt them in the light.

Show off your being,
Rather than hiding it away.

Each scar,
Each freckle,
Each spot,
Makes you who you are.

Be proud of your existence,
Rather than wishing it gone.

I say I am okay,
I say that I am fine,
But it is in my habit to lie,
Truth be told I wanted to scream help me!

It is hard,
I live in my head,
No where to escape,
Please help me!

I am drowning,
I can’t breathe,
Tears fill my lungs,
I am begging you to help me.

I wish for people to come,
But no one ever does, 
I can’t fight anymore,
It is now too late to help me. 

People wonder what went wrong,
But it is too late now,
They should have come,
I tried to beg for them to help me. 

I am so alone,
So fucking empty,
Nothing has a purpose,
And nothing ever will.

I sit waiting,
Waiting for it to get better,
But it doesn’t,
And it never will.

I can’t feel pain,
I can’t feel happiness,
If this is life,
What is the point.

The walls close in,
Trapping me in the world,
A world of pain and agony,
With only one way to escape.

I take the escape,
The only one I can see,
No one needs to know,
No longer to able to feel the emptiness.

I do not know,
No one does,
The future is coming,
And the past is gone.

I never know if I can get through the day,
Will I get through the night?
Or will I drown in my pain?
Only time will tell.

Every part of me hurts,
The mental pain drowns me,
My mind eats at my happiness, 
Will the future be better?

You say it will be okay,
But how can you tell?
For me the pain is too much,
The future could not change.

Every second is the same, 
Never changing,
Time stands still like a stagnant puddle,
I don’t want to know what the future holds. 

I am me,
I am not mad,
I am not insane,
Please don’t call me crazy.

I might scream at night,
I might worry about you,
Dates might make me panic,
But please don’t call me crazy.

I might not sleep,
I might sob uncontrollably,
But I can’t stop it,
So please don’t call me crazy.

I am not the same as everyone,
But everyone is different,
I might be sick,
But I am in no way crazy.

I shake at night,
The cold freezing me from within,
No one warms me,
The thunder rages on.

My mind is gone,
Lost in the storm,
Never to pass,
The thunder rages on.

I am drowning,
In a flood of despair,
The current pushing me under,
The thunder rages on.

My thunder is strong,
Stronger than the storms I shall face,
Even in the worst of days,
My thunder rages on.

Life is brittle,
We must care for it,
No one knows how hard it gets,
The smallest thing will make me snap.

My heart shatters,
It snaps as easy as a bone,
Pressure make me fall apart,
My bonds are brittle.

Too much heat I melt,
Too much cold I snap,
Too much anything I die,
I struggle to stay together.

I need constant love and affection,
I need reminder of my worth,
I am needy,
But without reminders I snap.

I am brittle,
I am sensitive,
Please treat me with care,
Otherwise I might just snap.

“You got to swim”
They say you need to swim,
But as you drown no one offers you a lifeboat, 
No one provides safety.

“Just keep your head above”
My head is constantly pushed under,
Everyone tells me to swim,
To survive.

But they stand and stare,
As I slip further under,
I never surface,
I drown and you yell to me to swim.

No one offers support when you need it the most,
They tell you to do what you dream to do,
But still keep fighting,
“Just keep your head above.”

-Lyrics “Swim”- Jack’s Mannequin

My writings are me,
They express the deepest emotions,
Show my deepest flaw,
I let people in.

I do all I can to numb the ache,
The more I write the more I hurt,
My pain needs an escape,
The only one I have left are words.

Without words I am nothing,
All I can do is self destruct,
Maybe everyone should write a little bit more,
And hate a little bit less. 

Nobody cares,
My fate is irrelevant to all,
Nobody will miss me when I am gone,
So what is the point?

Nobody likes me,
Everyone wants me gone,
Nobody wants for me to stay,
I see no point.

My mind wins,
I no longer care,
No one wants me,
I see it as a favour to them.

I bleed out,
My body weak,
My heart not beating,
I am gone.

Only now have I realised people care,
People sob over my death,
Begging it to all be a dream,
Only I will never return.

I killed myself in the thought no one cared,
But people did,
The only one who didn’t care was me.
Now I am gone nothing will be the same.

The hollow nothing holds me hostage,
I am scared of the future,
But terrified of the past,
A pit holds me down.

I live in a state,
Half real,
Half fake,
I don’t know what is scaring me,
All I know is I am utterly terrified.

My identity is gone,
I have lived like this for far too long,
The pit swallows me limb by limb,
The despair creeping in.

I am soon to be smothered,
In a never ending,
Pit of despair.

There is no bottom,
I will never stop falling,
I feel like I have been swallowed by a black hole,
All emotions gone,
Besides the constant despair.

We all make mistakes,
We couldn’t be human if we didn’t,
They say learn from your mistakes,
But maybe it isn’t that easy.

I realise now,
Maybe it isn’t the mistakes we make but our attitudes around them,
Maybe it is time we stop trying to fix the mistakes we make,
And rather move on and leave it in the past.

If we stop dwelling on our mistakes maybe we will be better,
Maybe we won’t blame ourselves anymore,
I have finally had a revelation,
We need to not punish ourself and try to fix our mistakes,
But leave them in the dust and continue our lives.

-A lesson I am finally learning.

Don’t hate yourself,
Your life is worthy,
Your pain may be real now, But the storm will pass.

Accept yourself,
Forgive yourself,
We all make mistakes,
But you don’t need to hate yourself for them.

Things are hard now,
We all face rough patches,
But in the end the rainbows are worth it,
Stay strong.

- A message to anyone struggling

I am so sorry,
I disgrace you,
I embarrass you,
I destroy your reputation.

You wish I was gone,
But where could I go?
My existence is worthless,
You remind me of that.

I cry in the fear of losing you,
Isn’t that ironic?
How am I so scared to lose you?
When all you want is me gone.

I am hollow,
I am empty,
I am alone,
I am so fucking sorry.

I have nothing left,
I am so tired,
I am finally meeting your wish,
I am going leave you alone forever.

It creeps in, 
Skewing my perspective of the world,
The vision is tainted black,
The world dark and hollow. 

My world shrinks,
I can see nothing,
Nothing but the endless expanse of black,
I never see the light only the dark.

Never to see colour again,
My hope has diminished,
In a world so light I have no choice,
The only way is to leave the black.

I face my fate,
I kick the chair away,
Finally the black is gone,
Replaced with an endless expanse of blinding white nothingness. 

A smile can be a lie,
You see my smile and assume my happiness,
No one thinks to look beyond the surface,
My smile hides the pain I hold.

Smiling is tiring,
But even still less exhausting then explaining,
The truth is dark,
I smile to hide the truth people deny. 

Your smile doesn’t hurt anyone,
You wonder why people never ask,
No one thinks anything is wrong,
It’s only because you have a glowing smile.

The weight pulls on your face,
Your smile wavers,
You have no more energy,
Your smile fades.

Your eyes are glazed over,
There is no longer a smile across your face,
Your pain is too much,
You give up,
You rest still,
Never to smile again

I take in each breathe,
Gasping for air,
My airways strain,
My palms sweat,
I have lost control.

I take my nails to my skin,
Blood oozes from my hand,
My nails won’t be enough,
I need a blade,
I have lost control.

My blood flows,
I cannot stop,
The pain leaves my body,
With it what was left of me is gone,
I have lost control

Nothing has a purpose,
I might as well quit,
No more pain will be nice,
In my death,
I have finally gained control.

Pushed aside like a broken egg,
Although my shell isn’t broken,
My yolk has collapsed,
The part of me people like has fallen apart,
Casting me an outsider,
I no longer fit in to your wants,
My broken insides leave me isolated,
I am unwanted.

Ripped apart like a piece of trash,
Torn up and thrown away,
No one cares,
No one sees the pain,
Crumpled and torn I rest with no one there,
I am unwanted.

Stepped on like a cigarette,
I am used and abused,
I hurt the people who are around me,
They try to get rid of me,
But they never stop using me,
Short term I am good but no one wants me to stay,
I am unwanted.

In the past I believed I had a purpose,
But now I am nothing,
I am a waste of space,
After all,
I am unwanted.

No one sees the pain I am in,
All I ever wanted was to fit in,
But now the unwanted go to rest,
I swallow a handful of pills,
Never to see the light again,
I rest forgotten,
I remain unwanted.

Time turns,
People change,
Everyone leaves,
Everything disappears.

Life is worthless,
Time proves this, 
Nothing is right,
Life is wrong.

Everything is a mess,
What am I doing?
Where am I going?
Time changes but I stand still.

Time causes everyone to leave me,
No one stays,
Time provides better opportunities for them,
Time changes I still drown in misery.

Time turns,
Nothing has a point,
My life is worthless,
Time changes and this time takes my life with it.