#i wrote this for me

There’s “obvious, meant to be love” and then there’s “holy shit how did I not see this” love. And I’m not going to say that one’s better than the other but one is built on years of all different kinds of feelings and it’s not the obvious one.

I knew the second I saw you. I don’t know what I knew, but I knew it and I’ve never been more sure of anything.

Sometimes the healthiest relationships don’t work out because we crave excitement and healthy isn’t him chasing you down the street at 3am and healthy isn’t throwing all his clothes in the front yard when he doesn’t come home one night. But sometimes we need to be chased and sometimes we need to have giant screaming crying fights because we’re human and it can’t be perfect all the time. And if it is, then it doesn’t feel real.

I change my mind about a lot of things very often. Clothes I wore every day have been donated, I don’t even know where my best friends from high school live anymore, my favorite food is different than it was last year, my favorite song is different than it was last week. There are very few things I need and the things I want can be different tomorrow. So the fact that I keep coming back to you means something- because if something stands the test of time with me it’s rare and it matters. But never forget that I don’t need you, I want you. And that’s the only reason you’re here.

i-wrotethisforme:

“I sometimes think about all the different paths my life can take depending on the simple, sometimes random decisions I make every day. And I sometimes think about the different paths your life can take. And I sometimes think about whether or not we’ll each make a decision that leads to another decision that one day brings us to the same coffee shop. And I also think about how many times we were one decision away from that already happening. And I decided that if one day we find ourselves at the same subway stop at 1am because you had a deadline that kept you at work late and I had a craving for a late night milkshake at that diner we used to go to, the only thing I’d use to describe that is fate and I’d be forced to believe that maybe the universe liked us together more than we did.”

—

It’s really simple- I don’t like liars and you lied to me about your entire life. Yes, I shouldn’t have fallen in love with him, but that’s just a different kind of lying. I’m sorry it hurt you but I’m not sorry it happened, and I don’t regret it because we’re both happier now. Not all bad things we do end badly for us.

The things that sound like they can’t possibly work are the things that turn out to be the most amazing. Like self driving cars and video calls- those things seemed impossible not too long ago. When our grandparents were our age, self driving cars sounded absolutely insane, a normal Toyota Corolla would’ve looked like a spaceship in 1920 and now we literally have cars that park themselves. That’s insane. No groundbreaking, earth-shattering invention was a “finally they did it” situation, it was a “holy shit I didn’t think it could ever happen but it did and it’s better than I could’ve imagined” situation. Now think about how you can apply that to your own life.

i-wrotethisforme:

The most attractive thing you could show someone is effort & the most important thing you could give someone is time.

i told you i loved the night we spent together

i wish i could have captured the grin you wore

so proud of the terrible things you did to me

how i love that smile

the same lips that grazed my skin not long ago

the same hands that caressed my doll-like body

the same hair that I tugged on as i made a show of your acts

it was only an act

all of the good things came to an end

the heavy breathing started

my lungs were collapsing

my heart forgot to beat

it was too busy aching to love you

wishing to be more than just a body

as the liquor crawls down your throat the phrase I love you is drunkenly forced out

fatherly compassion that only surfaces when the alcohol has engulfed your body

submerged so deeply in a drink that love is just another meaningless word

a silly phrase that slips off of your tongue with the sharp taste of whiskey

too intoxicated to hear the crack in my voice

when i tell you that I love you more

more than your addiction

more than myself

but my words are tossed into the trash

clinking with empty bottles

colliding with conversations you don’t recall

memories of an absent father that loosely maneuver through my conscience

I have to compete with a $58 bottle of bourbon

but you seem to love being numb more than raising your daughter

it’s alright dad

i’ll carry the both of us out of this mess

maybe one day when you wake up you’ll thank me for it

but for now, I love you and I can spare enough love for the both of us

I should’ve jumped when the ball-point pen across the room started scribbling

scratching the surface of a worn down notepad

hovering over it, I saw my name

in bolded letters I read the word ALONE

how dare a mystery writer reach into my soul

ripping out my deepest feeling

addressing it like you would the day’s weather

I would’ve complained, if there were anyone to hear me speak

the invisible critic marked another word

AFRAID

my hand connected with the paper as an arrow pointed to my destroyed nail beds

I guess the analysis wasn’t wrong as I drew back my shaky hands

i’ve dreamed of death countless times

oh how i wish to not have woken up in the last moments before my demise

the sweet seconds before a forever peace are whispering to me

taunting me to stumble into deaths eternal embrace