#mental health writing

They say I gotta stop living in fear
But damnit, I’m afraid

Expected to ride the choppy waves
As if I’m on a damn lazy river

My raft the bodies of those who don’t seem to matter
I don’t know if it would be worse to recognize a face
Or to become one of the unrecognized ones…

You don’t know how to have a good time
Without being out of your fucking mind?

But I’m the one that’s “crazy”?
I’m the one that’s lame?
Stop talking down to me,
Neither of us deserve to feel ashamed.

I hope that you can get the chemicals in your brain in order
I wish you were sober…

Ironic that the cost of living is basically my life
Sacrifice, sacrifice
Pay the price, pay the price

I just want to come up for air
And fucking breathe!
But, no!
I don’t have time for that…

Growing up is lonely
Wish I could shed this scarred skin
Instead, I must be constantly reminded of the past
Constantly having to plan for the future
Never living in the moment
The weight of the world constantly pulling me
In both directions
Tug of war is not only for children
Unfortunately…

Expecting me to wave a white flag.
Instead, I dye it red with your blood!
It belongs to you anyways

Of course, you continue to wave it with pride
You’ll find someone else wearing rose-colored glasses
I wish I could protect them,
But sacrificing myself to keep tabs on you isn’t worth the cost.

Hate me. 
Do you, do you
Hate me?
Or is that just the thoughts speaking nonsense again?

They’re pretty loud. 
Kinda difficult to think of anything else
When they give a bloodcurdling scream!

Ignore them?
Tell me,
If someone was wringing at your neck
Consuming your lungs
Driving out all the air from your body
Draining out all of the life from your soul…
Could you truly ignore that?

Why am I only worth something
If I become a shell of a human being?

Being crushed by the weight of the expectations myself and the world place on me
My body only being held up by the podium of my accomplishments…

What happens when there’s nothing left to hold me up?

Why is the only fucked up one me?
Why am I the only tragedy?
Always on the edge of catastrophe
Catastrophizing

Maybe I’m not always crazy.
Maybe I’m not always wrong.
But they all say I am.
Say I need help.

But who wouldn’t lose it
If they were being mistreated
And being told
They weren’t even being mistreated in the first place?

Maybe I need to stop being so sensitive.
Shut off my feelings like a light switch 
Dimming the light inside of me in return…

But that’s okay!
As long as everyone else is happy!
Their light will keep me…warm.

Despite the distance they keep me at
I can’t indulge too much in kindness!
Might make me too greedy!

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