#poetryisnotdead

And I will run

and run and run

through all the time

to find you

and I will search the whole world

if I have to

because being without you

is not an option

-MayAPoetBe (draft)

Sometimes I think 

I’ve got to go

somewhere only

I know

- MayAPoetBe (draft)

Hey, at least I’m not playing games with your heart
It’s always “this or that”, always been like that from the start
I’ve told you that we could play together, but you always say no
Tell me to my face it’s fine, then you shoot these low blows
Funny, seems like you like playing games too.

But we can’t play my games, no, it’s all about you
“This or that?” Fuck that!
Demanding all my attention makes you a spoiled little brat!

Mean or broken, really it’s the same thing
Intention don’t matter, in the end, you still hurt me
Not absolved from your actions just ‘cause you want the consequences to go away

This is not Broadway
I will not bow for your performance
To you, keeping up this façade is of uttermost importance
But this isn’t even worth the price of a matinee
So I’ve gotta say bye to you, babe

Oh, I wouldn’t know
I feel like I’m destined to be forever alone
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride
Always the one to ask out just to get denied

It’s fine, I’m fine.
I don’t need a person to call mine
I’ll just get a cat, or two, or twelve
Romance can be books lined up on the shelves 

I’ll be the best aunt to my friends’ kids 
And then be able to go home and sleep,
Now that’s a great gig!

Tell me, why do I need to find a partner to be complete?
Besides in order to afford rent, or otherwise go live out on the street?

Tired of waiting too long to build boundaries
Just to be told I don’t have a permit
I don’t need fucking permission from you!

You say I’m destroying your walls in the process
Claiming land for the sake of control over others
Isn’t a good look for you!

You have quite a funny way of expressing adoration
Or maybe I’m just imagining things
Bored and lonely with nothing better to do
Than pine for your adoration!

I wish I could think of words to write.
But instead,
Pointless thoughts
Empty head
Nothing meaningful
Just anxiety.

Growing up is lonely
Wish I could shed this scarred skin
Instead, I must be constantly reminded of the past
Constantly having to plan for the future
Never living in the moment
The weight of the world constantly pulling me
In both directions
Tug of war is not only for children
Unfortunately…

Hate me. 
Do you, do you
Hate me?
Or is that just the thoughts speaking nonsense again?

They’re pretty loud. 
Kinda difficult to think of anything else
When they give a bloodcurdling scream!

Ignore them?
Tell me,
If someone was wringing at your neck
Consuming your lungs
Driving out all the air from your body
Draining out all of the life from your soul…
Could you truly ignore that?

They don’t hate you.
They don’t hate you.
They don’t hate you.

Probably.
I think.
Perhaps.
Maybe.

Probably have stuck around all these years
Out of obligation.
As if they signed a legally binding contract
When they entered the friendship
Breaking it is punishable by death!

Why is the only fucked up one me?
Why am I the only tragedy?
Always on the edge of catastrophe
Catastrophizing

Maybe I’m not always crazy.
Maybe I’m not always wrong.
But they all say I am.
Say I need help.

But who wouldn’t lose it
If they were being mistreated
And being told
They weren’t even being mistreated in the first place?

Maybe I need to stop being so sensitive.
Shut off my feelings like a light switch 
Dimming the light inside of me in return…

But that’s okay!
As long as everyone else is happy!
Their light will keep me…warm.

Despite the distance they keep me at
I can’t indulge too much in kindness!
Might make me too greedy!

Why do I always like the ones that don’t like me back?
Maybe I’m just in love with the unattainability
So in love with a concept
I can’t let that be ruined by the real…
Scary! 

Relationships are lessons learned. 
Stories learned
Tired of gathering novels,
Contributing to a constantly ongoing saga

Where’s my happily ever after?
Can it come faster?
Or can someone send me a little note saying “None are meant to stay”?

Is my life meant to be a sitcom? 
A long running joke?
I get it, it’s funny
I’d laugh too.

We were like gold
Until you were told
I needed basic respect
Then, you sold us down the river
Said our love was worth its weight in gold

So, you cashed it in for profit
But, there were no takers
And you’re still the victim, it seems!

Whenever something good happens, 
I wanna tell you!
Whenever I feel blue, I wanna tell you!
Spill my guts
Meanwhile, I don’t let anyone else know I have organs 

How do I plan for the future when the world is in disarray?
Dystopia
Filled with phobia
Of death
And simply taking a step
Out of my home.

I hope to freeze to death in hell’s flames
Before COVID or air pollution chokes the life out of me!

Anxious.
Anxiety.
Quiet thee, brain!

Commotion! 
Devotion to the chaos
Endless thoughts
Can’t seem to
Hold onto one
Yet they make me
Nervous!

Do I deserve this? 
Disservice! 
It is that I exist this way
Instead of being a productive machine!

Demeaning words
Brain says more
Demeaning words

How do I sort through this shit
When my brain is constantly
Throwing
A 
Fit.
Jumping

Can’t just sit
Agitated, I’m
Ill-fated
Destined for the world to collapse
Around me.
…yippee. 

December reminds me that I have loved
But that I’m not loved
At least, not loved enough for someone
To want me to be a part of their holiday celebration

Our love is not worth celebrating. 

Pretty bold of you to say that I’m overreacting
Would only acknowledge my bleeding 
Accompanied by blood curdling screaming!

Because it began to stain your clothes
Left me to rot…
While you bought a new shirt.
Said it was a pity I died!
But, I’ve survived worse.

Told me I was miserable when I was getting better
Because I wouldn’t let the gaslighting comments just
Roll.
Off.
My.
Back.

You didn’t understand why they were no longer keeping me warm
When they never kept me warm. At all.

I’d rather be comforted by hell’s embrace!
At least hell is honest with its intentions. 

Brain fog

Foggy fogginess

want to do things but thoughts are

mush.

Completing sentences is hard

Because the words are out

Of

Reach

Floating in the fog

mush.