friend in my DMs: hi

my adhd-induced anxiety: shit. why are they texting me? did I forget to call them? did we have plans? did they ask me for something & I never replied? did I borrow something and never return it? what did I do wrong?????

me: im sorry

for anyone who needs to hear it:

if something you can’t seem to control is chewing on your mental space and negatively impacting your life - making it hard to think positive, get out of bed, get work done, remember what you need to do, clean your spaces, etc - you are NOT:

• making things up
• being a lazy bum
• making excuses
• deliberately ruining your life
• a bad person

you ARE:

• noticing something is wrong with your health
• in need of assessment and treatment to get better!

aka why tf am i procrastinating on The Thing (more like a flowchart, actually)

lots of people who have executive function difficulties worry about whether they’re procrastinating on a task out of laziness/simply wanting to be a jerk or mental struggles. this checklist might help you figure out which it is at any given time! (hint: it’s almost never laziness or being a jerk.) (obligatory disclaimer: this is just what works for me! something different might work better for you.)

1) do I honestly intendto start the task despite my lack of success?

• yes: it’s a Brain Problem. next question
  
• no: it’s shitty to say one thing & do another. better be honest with myself & anyone expecting me to do the task.
  

2) am I fed, watered, well-rested, medicated properly, etc?

• yes:next question
  
• no:guess what? this is the real next task

3) does the idea of starting the task make me feel scared or anxious?

• yes: Anxiety Brain. identify what’s scaring me first.
• no:next question

4) do I know how to start the task?

• yes:next question
  
• no:ADHD Brain. time to make an order of operations list.

5) do I have everything I need to start the task?

• yes:next question
  
• no:ADHD Brain lying to me about the steps again, dangit. first task is ‘gather the materials’.

6) why am i having a hard time switching from my current task to this new task?

• i’m having fun doing what i’m doing: it’s okay to have fun doing a thing! if task is time-sensitive, go to next question.
• i have to finish doing what i’m doing: might be ADHD brain. can I actually finish the current task or will I get trapped in a cycle? does this task really need to be finished?
• the next task will be boring/boring-er than the current task: ADHD brain. re-think the next task. what would make it exciting? what am I looking forward to?
• I might not have enough time to complete the task: ADHD brain wants to finish everything it starts. (if task is time-sensitive, go to next question)
• i just want to make the person who asked me to do it angry: sounds like anxiety brain trying to punish itself, because I know I’ll be miserable if someone is angry at me. why do i think I deserve punishment?
• no, I seriously want to piss them off: okay, i’m being a shithead

7) have I already procrastinated so badly that I now cannot finish the task in time?

• yes: ADHD brain is probably caught in a guilt-perfection cycle. since I can’t have the task done on time, i don’t even want to start.
  

reality check: having part of a thing done is almost always better than none of a thing done. if I can get an extension, having part of it done will help me keep from stalling out until the extension deadline. i’ll feel better if I at least try to finish it.

• no, there’s still a chance to finish on time: ADHD brain thinks that I have all the time in the world, but the truth is I don’t. 

reality check: if i’m having fun doing what I’m doing, I can keep doing it, but I should probably set a timer & ask someone to check on me to make sure I start doing the task later today.

8) I’ve completed the checklist and still don’t know what’s wrong!

• probably wasn’t honest enough with myself. take one more look.
• if I’m still mystified, ask a friend to help me talk it out.
  

hope this helps some of you! YOU’RE DOING GREAT SWEETIE DON’T GIVE UP ON YOU

Hate me. 
Do you, do you
Hate me?
Or is that just the thoughts speaking nonsense again?

They’re pretty loud. 
Kinda difficult to think of anything else
When they give a bloodcurdling scream!

Ignore them?
Tell me,
If someone was wringing at your neck
Consuming your lungs
Driving out all the air from your body
Draining out all of the life from your soul…
Could you truly ignore that?

They don’t hate you.
They don’t hate you.
They don’t hate you.

Probably.
I think.
Perhaps.
Maybe.

Probably have stuck around all these years
Out of obligation.
As if they signed a legally binding contract
When they entered the friendship
Breaking it is punishable by death!

Thought that the thoughts would stay at bay as we grew closer,
But, I guess that they never truly go away

So, what do I do now?
Accept that the thoughts will always be there?
Or just…push everyone
Away.

So then, I can at least be positive as to where they stand…

Anxious.
Anxiety.
Quiet thee, brain!

Commotion! 
Devotion to the chaos
Endless thoughts
Can’t seem to
Hold onto one
Yet they make me
Nervous!

Do I deserve this? 
Disservice! 
It is that I exist this way
Instead of being a productive machine!

Demeaning words
Brain says more
Demeaning words

How do I sort through this shit
When my brain is constantly
Throwing
A 
Fit.
Jumping

Can’t just sit
Agitated, I’m
Ill-fated
Destined for the world to collapse
Around me.
…yippee.