[ID: A three-way-handshake between “ace/aro ppl,” “nonbinary ppl,” and “neurodivergent ppl” over the common shared experience of “wanting to see real human rep in media vs. thinking robots/aliens/etc. are fuckin sweet.” End ID.]
I’m going to start posting commentary/analysis about The Boys in the Band on here! Although it’s been a month since I’ve watched the 2020 movie & read the one act version of the script, it’s resonated w/ me so much that I still have so many thoughts about it. I think Donald is early representation of a queer character w/ mental illness, and we need to reflect on the importance of Donald in our current context.
When I was reading Tony Kushner’s introduction for The Boys in the Band script book, I really loved what he had to say about the meaning of Donald speaking about his parents w/ his analyst (I added Michael’s part for full context)– Michael: Christ, how sick analysts must get of hearing how Mommy and Daddy made their darlin’ into a fairy. Donald: It’s beyond just that now. Today I finally began to see how some of the other pieces of the puzzle relate to them.- Like why I never finished anything I started in my life…my neurotic compulsion to not succeed. “It’s easy to assume…that these self-hating gay men must be in analysis to be cured, to become heterosexual. But that’s not the case, or for Donald, it’s not the case any longer. Donald, at least, is finally beginning to see beyond.”-Tony Kushner’s Introduction
Donald is seeing his analyst about issues that aren’t inherently about his sexuality, which definitely breaks from the standard portrayal in media at the time of queer men w/ mental health issues. So Donald processing other issues that many people of all genders & sexualities experience, such as family trauma and struggles w/ finding success, is quite groundbreaking. Many people hadn’t gotten to see queer characters w/ mental illness represented that way onstage before. Significantly, presenting Donald as a gay man who is examining his life beyond only internalized homophobia makes him an effective contrast to Michael, who is still trapped in the wish “to become heterosexual.” Donald responds to Michael’s “…if we could just learn how to not hate ourselves quite so very much” with “Yes, I know. I know” because he has been where Michael is. At the same time, he is moving forward in a more healthy way that addresses his trauma and lets him accept his sexuality. I consider that a hopeful future.
Soon after I watched The Boys in the Band, I saw 2 reviews (from NPR & Hollywood Reporter) disparage the writing & portrayal of Donald in ways that are rooted in harmful assumptions about people w/ mental illness, & it really hurt me to see this. NPR said that “his early expressions of nervousness ring false, as if he’s performatively voicing self-deprecation in an effort to endear himself to others” & Hollywood Reporter called him “too handsome, too perfectly sculpted, too innately calm and collected to be the supposed quivering mess… That panic is undermined by the fact he seems pretty much fine thereafter, and certainly is among the more well-adjusted figures populating the play.” As a person w/ mental illness, I’m not surprised to see this but I’m angry. Both reviews perpetuate the false assumptions of 1) a person w/ good looks can’t possibly experience mental illness & thus they’re “attention seeking” & 2) a person’s mental illness must be constantly visible to other people in order for their experience to be real. This is coming from established publications that many people read to inform their views about culture & this is how they choose to interpret characters w/ mental illness? Stating that someone’s experience of mental illness is less real b/c they look too good or appear too calm & well-adjusted to be believed leads to many people w/ mental illness feeling that our life experiences aren’t valid & not seeking mental health support b/c invalidation happens so much. When neurotypicals create a strict image of how a person w/ mental illness must appear, many of us are unable to get support b/c we don’t fit their image. Mental illness fluctuates in visibility–sometimes it’s visible & sometimes it’s invisible to people who aren’t us. Donald appears “calm” & “well-adjusted” to many viewers b/c his mental illness isn’t always visible when next to other characters; that doesn’t make him less valid than any other character w/ mental illness.
Has society changed in how it views queer people w/ mental illness between 1968 & 2020? On one hand, yes b/c of how society views queer identity in less pathologized ways (although pathologization is still around in more subtle ways). However, I think many societal attitudes queer people w/ mental illness have not changed & those reviews’ reactions to Donald are an example of that. It’s just cis straight people who perpetuate harmful assumptions about mental illness; it comes from within queer spaces too, which leads to more queer people w/ mental illness feeling alienated from queer communities. So we need Donald right now. Donald challenges assumptions about how mental illness presents & that makes many people, whether they be cis straight or queer, uncomfortable. And that challenge is necessary so that more of us can receive the support & validation we deserve.
Having a Convo with another Neurodivergent person is like living on a planet of 98% insect people and seeing another human for the first time in months.
what they mean: i dont know how to handle small animals and consider them lashing out in SELF DEFENSE an insult
Usually what it boils down to is “I’m mad because the cat didn’t act like a dog”.
Pushing fragile things off tables and breaking them: Self defense.
Destroying Christmas Trees: Self defense, I mean the tree attacked them.
Scratching their owner’s eyeball: Self defense.
Scratching their sleeping owner’s face: Self defense.
Jumping on their owner’s back and clawing into their spine: Self defense.
Admittedly yeah
A dog doesn’t do those things because a dog’s version of self defense is to be a good animal who loves you and doesn’t attack you unless you attack them first.
I mean if a cat feels that threatened by everything in their owner’s household maybe the owner shouldn’t have gotten a cat.
Pushing fragile things off tables and breaking them: Playing. Cats are well-known to like to play with small objects. Your cat does not know what “fragile” means and does not understand the distinction between toy and not-toy objects. Place fragile things out of a cat’s line of sight and reach, and if you don’t provide them with enough enrichment items that they go looking for them, that’s on you.
Destroying Christmas Trees: Cats like to climb things. They’re not doing it to spite you.
Scratching their owner’s eyeball: Probably an accident, due to overstimulation when playing. It wasn’t trying to hurt you. Don’t anthropomorphize animals by attributing spite to them. Animals don’t do spite the way that humans do.
Scratching their sleeping owner’s face: Trying to rouse you with its paw, probably gently, because it loves you and wants to play with you.
Jumping on their owner’s back and clawing into their spine: Come on. If a cat is jumping on you, it loves you and wants to be close to you. Digging in with its claws is how it balances itself on an unstable surface and is purely a reflexive reaction. It isn’t intendingto hurt you.
99% of cat behavioral problems stem from bored cats. Cats need to climb, need to scratch, and need small objects to play with. I only recommend adopting cats in pairs, so that they can keep each other entertained. Cats are not purely solitary. They get lonely, and lonely cats act out. Once again, your entire problem with cats as a species seems to stem from the fact that you don’t understand how cats express affection and it upsets you that they don’t do so the way that dogs do. Cats aren’t small dogs and cannot be expected to behave as such.
Some semi related cat facts I’d like to add:
Cats don’t have the same facial muscles as dogs and humans do. Dogs facial structures are similar to humans which allows them to make expressions that humans have an easy time understanding. Cats don’t. If you want to understand your cats’ emotions, you have to understand their body language.
A purring cat isn’t necessarily a happy cat. Cats do usually purr when they’re happy, but they also purr when they are in pain or when they’re scared. Purring is a method of self-soothing for cats and a lot of people just don’t know that.
A cat not wanting to face you is a sign of trust. When a cat turns their back towards you, it means they trust you to watch their back and make sure they won’t be attacked from behind.
A cat stepping on your laptop (or whatever you are working on) means they are interested in what you’re doing and want to participate. If you make them their own little cardboard laptop to sit on next to you, a lot of the time your cat(s) will sit on that next to you, allowing you to get your work done while still being able to spend time with your fluffy (or hairless!) family members.
Oh we’re talking cat behavior??? Hang on hang on
Okay
YES to everything that has been said about cat behavior but a few other things people don’t seem to understand that are important to understanding cat behavior:
BELLY RUBS: A cat showing you its belly is NOT necessarily asking you to rub it, like a dog is. A cat showing you its belly (when in a calm, sleepy mood) is saying “I trust you so much that I’m going to reveal my MOST VULNERABLE side to you and I know you won’t touch it!” When you then move in and touch it, you’ve actually broken that trust, which is why cats go from “showing you their belly calmly” to “attack!!!” so quickly. It wasn’t a TRAP. You didn’t understand what they were saying and you responded incorrectly. The best reward for the belly display is a nice scritch under the chin/cheeks or a gentle rub on the head.
(And before anyone says “well my cat loves having his belly rubbed!” –yes. There are exceptions to this general rule, because cats are HELLA unique creatures with distinct personalities. I have a cat who genuinely loves to have his side and belly played like bongo drums. Cats are weirdos. These are generalizations.)
Now: if your cat shows you its belly when in a playful/feisty mood, that IS an invitation, but beware: it’s an invitation to get attacked. Cats playfight. That’s one of the ways they play. This is very common in predatory animals, who use play to hone important hunting skills. A well-socialized cat will know not to go too hard, but a kitten won’t, so if you’re playfighting with a kitten and it bites too hard, go “OW!” really loud and take your hand away to help teach them. But yeah, if a feisty cat opens its belly to you: be prepared for a playfight!
PETTING: Cats are sensitive. Physically. All that fur builds up a lot of static electricity and when people pet them they tend to do it along the cat’s spine, which means a lot of energy and static along the spine, which means OVERSTIMULATION. If you’ve ever been petting a cat and suddenly it whips its head around and closes its teeth on your hand, that means you’ve overstimulated it and it’s asking you to please stop. (Incidentally, the bite wasn’t ‘sudden,’ you just missed the earlier signs of ‘please stop you’re overstimulating me’ and the cat had to take extreme measures–more on that later).
Petting a cat around their head/cheeks/chin will usually prevent that overstimulation (and once or twice down the back isn’t a bad thing, just be mindful of overstimulating!). And it’s also polite to ask permission first! Cats are TINY compared to us, and very independent creatures, so coming quickly at a cat with your big ol’ human hand can be alarming even if they know and trust you. Try this next time: How to ask a cat for permission to pet it.
OVERSTIMULATION:Cats can and DO get overstimulated! As I mentioned before, if you’re petting a cat and it suddenly bites (or gets up and leaves), it’s not saying “I don’t like you anymore,” it’s saying “please, stop.”
Watch for the following body language cues:
1) Ears: if the cat’s ears are starting to twitch back, it may be getting agitated. Try backing off and see what the cat does. If the ears twitch back forward and the cat seems to relax, then stopping was probably a good move. Try again in a few minutes and limit your petting to their head/ears/neck/cheeks.
2) Eyes: If your cat went from closed-eyed bliss to eyes open and pupils dilating, circumstances have changed. Your cat is getting agitated. Continue petting at your own risk but don’t be surprised if they attack.
3) Tail: This is a HUGE mistake I see people more familiar with dogs making. A cat’s tail wagging doesn’t mean “HAPPY!” like a dog’s does. A cat’s tail twitching or swishing means they are highly stimulated. Sometimes that means they’re having fun (check out this video to see a very enthusiastically stimulated cat having fun climbing a rock wall–and watch that tail! That’s an excited cat!). But often it means they’re agitated, not happy. If a cat’s tail starts swishing, that’s a good time to step back and let the cat find a way to calm itself down.
4) Body tension: this is a fairly straightforward one but if your cat went from totally relaxed to tense and tight, it’s probably not enjoying itself as much as it was. Maybe it’s about to launch an assault on something it saw across the room (another cat or a toy, for instance). Just know you may not have a sleepy contented cat in your lap anymore.
MIRRORING: One of the ways cats show affection is to “mirror” their companions:
Domestic housecats are not naturally pack animals but they DO have the ability to come together and form strong social bonds. You, their owner, are a member of their social group, and they will often try to mirror you, too! Meaning if you spend most of your day sitting on your laptop, they want to do it as well:
They’re not trying to be rude. They want to do what you’re doing! Because that’s how they show affection!
(Now: is it occasionally annoying? ABSOLUTELY. I’ve had to shoo my cat Sam away from my laptop several times while attempting to type this post. But I still love him and I understand he’s just trying to be close to me. He’s not being malicious because malice is a human emotion and cannot be attributed to cats. So is spite, scorn, arrogance, and any number of emotions that get falsely attributed to cats by people who just don’t understand that CATS ARE NOT DOGS and therefore behave differently!!! Please do not anthropomorphize your cat!!!)
Now, most of the things the cat hater up there said have already been addressed, but I’d like to expand on the Christmas tree thing, and then the scratching thing, because it segues nicely into another issue: claws.
The Christmas Tree: please picture this from the perspective of a cat. A cat has no religious affiliation. A cat doesn’t understand what significance this thing you brought into your home has. A cat just sees you have brought in A TREE, which especially if it is real will have VERY INTERESTING OUTSIDE SMELLS. It sees SHINY TWINKLY BAUBLES AND LIGHTS. It sees GARLANDS OF SHINY CRINKLY FUN THINGS. Sorry but you’ve basically just brought in the greatest jungle gym ever, full of interesting sights, sounds, smells, and textures, and told the animal that has NO CAPACITY to understand your words that ‘no you can’t play with that.’ Sorry but that’s just a little unrealistic. And to attribute malice to this behavior–to say the cat is attacking the tree with the intent of destroying it?–is to be so deliberately obtuse as to be almost malicious about it yourself.
The cat is having fun. A new novel unique thing has just come into its environment and a lot of the things about it resemble the toys it already plays with (balls, strings, crinkly paper, etc.). It is going to play. If you don’t want that, then either find a way to stabilize the tree, keep it out of reach, or DON’T HAVE A CAT.
Okay finally. The claws thing. Let’s talk about cat claws.
Okay so yes, cats will sometimes try to wake you up by gently patting your face. If that results in you getting scratched, chances are, your cats claws are getting too long!
Cats naturally sharpen their claws. They’re a good weapon, and the cat’s first line of defense and offense in a world where they are both predator and prey. They allow cats to climb out of danger or in pursuit of prey. They help cats catch things and hold onto them. They act as a deterrent if a bigger predator gets ahold of them. They help them stabilize themselves on the ground and in high places like trees. Claws are important.
That’s why cats scatch things (also to deposit scent markers from glands located in the pads of their paws but I digress): to keep their claws in good shape and sharpened, and to shed old claw sheaths (cat claws shed, did you know that? fun fact!).
HOWEVER, if your cat is an indoor cat only (which it REALLY SHOULD BE but that’s a rant for another day), it may not have enough wearing down the claws in return, and you may have to help your cat maintain their claws! There are a couple ways to do this:
1) Trimming the claw - gently depress the toe bean to extend the claw then use cat claw clippers to snip the sharpened tip. Watch out for the quick! You’ll be able to see it as the darker vein of blood in the cat’s claw.
2) SoftPaws or any other brand of cat nail tips! These stylish little claw tippers can be safely applied, and each application lasts about a month. These tips protect your skin and your furniture and do not bother your cat in the slightest! Plus your cat will look fancy af:
What you should NOT do, ever, please, ever, is declaw your cat. I know no one talked about this but, well, I pretty much jump on every chance I get to educate people about the inhumanity of this practice. If it changes one person’s mind about declawing their cat (or about getting one in the first place, if it’s genuinely just not a good fit) then good, I don’t mind cluttering up some dashes.
People seem to think that declawing means ‘removing the claws only’ when in fact, it’s a partial toe amputation. Look at your own finger. See that last joint before the nail starts? Yeah, that’s what’s getting cut off of your cat’s toes. That whole last joint.
I’m going to steal wholesale from an ask I answered on one of my other blogs to give you links to articles about the physical, psychological, and emotional damage declawing causes your cat:
“Some cats are so shocked by declawing that their personalities change. Cats who were lively and friendly have become withdrawn and introverted after being declawed. Others, deprived of their primary means of defense, become nervous, fearful, and/or aggressive, often resorting to their only remaining means of defense, their teeth. In some cases, when declawed cats use the litterbox after surgery, their feet are so tender they associate their new pain with the box…permanently, resulting in a life-long aversion to using the litter box. Other declawed cats that can no longer mark with their claws, they mark with urine instead resulting in inappropriate elimination problems, which in many cases, results in relinquishment of the cats to shelters and ultimately euthanasia. Many of the cats surrendered to shelters are surrendered because of behavioral problems which developed after the cats were declawed.
Many declawed cats become so traumatized by this painful mutilation that they end up spending their maladjusted lives perched on top of doors and refrigerators, out of reach of real and imaginary predators against whom they no longer have any adequate defense. A cat relies on its claws as its primary means of defense. Removing the claws makes a cat feel defenseless. The constant state of stress caused by a feeling of defenselessness may make some declawed cats more prone to disease. Stress leads to a myriad of physical and psychological disorders including supression of the immune system, cystitis and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).”
So basically I know I’ve interrupted this post with a PSA but PLEASE. Please do not declaw your cat. Either find another solution, resign yourself to scratched up furniture, or DO NOT GET A CAT.
In conclusion:
Okay I know this is a post about cats, but so much of the behavioral stuff sounds exactly like the psa stuff neurodivergent, and especially autistic, people have to tell neurotypicals. Neither cats nor autistic people are cold by default. If you don’t know how to read their mannerisms, it’s not their fault.
i be like grrr bark why does my neck hurt so bad and then realize ive been sitting on the floor like a shrimp for 8 hours straight doing the same thing
As I was undiagnosed autistic, my traits just flexed hardcore in high school. And I had only few symptoms before that. High school breaks us.
No more single classes. You’re now moving about every 45 minutes. Oh, and classes change on a daily basis. Lunch and recess? Nope. This is an American school, baby: overcrowded and under resourced. You get 15 minutes in an echoing chamber to eat a grease patty on hard bread. Previously gifted? Nah, bitches.. That was those standardised tests. You’re now meat for the college grinder. Friends? Nope..nononono. Since we’re splitting you up constantly, you get to glimpse each other in passing on your way to class.
Oh, and all those rules you’ve been using for the past 13/14 years? Useless. No, we won’t tell you what the new ones are.
There is a reason so many teens come forward around this time period asking if something is wrong with them. And many get told it’s just hormones, or they’re just “kids” acting up.
No. How about we actually listen to teens when they say “I feel like something is wrong” instead of telling them everything is fucking puberty.
How about we teach people, from a young age, that questioning yourself is safe? How about we encourage teens to research themselves, and give them a space to do so? Think it’s only kids liking TicTok trends? Maybe they see something and have no space to express it.
“What if they’re wrong?”
So, they’re wrong. But they learnt safety and value in reaching out.
I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships and morality. I don’t know if it’s a universal experience, but for much of my life, how good of a friend I could be felt directly tied to how good of a person I am. And I’ve always felt that I fell short no matter how much I sacrificed myself for my friendships.
Aromantic communities do a lot in debunking amatonormativity, in challenging the norm and asking, “Why? Why do people have to be monogamous? Why do partners have to have sex? Why do people have to have partners?” And I think these conversations have opened a wonderful side dialogue on friendships and whether or not love is what makes someone “human” or “good.” As someone both neurodivergent and on the aroace spectrum, I’ve always occupied the unique intersection of being particularly affected by that message that perpetrates everything in media: “To be good is to be human, and to be human is to love.”
Lately, I’ve been unlearning this thinking. And reading about aplatonic experiences and applying arguments against amatonormativity to my perspective on friendships has helped me so much. I’ve always limited myself to a model for friendships that I perceived as the “good” one. I never trust my own instincts for what I want because I’m half convinced that, as a neurodivergent person, I’m broken. I don’t understand real friendship, I can only hope to imitate it by paying careful attention to how neurotypical people describe the ideal friendship. And I thought it was okay to feel so off kilter all of the time because this was my punishment for being an inherently bad person who didn’t enjoy or desire my “good” friendships.
And I’m realizing that this absolute thinking is incredibly unhealthy. Just like in every other part of life, how good or bad of a person you are is entirely subjective. How good or bad of a friend you are is also subjective. And if you and your friend desire different friendships, that isn’t a sign that you are bad friends who are bad people failing to make it work. You’re just incompatible. Even more than that, you’re just seeking entirely different things.
We use the word “friend” to describe so many things. It captures a breadth of relationships. That’s beautiful, but it also leads to this confusion and breakdown in communication. You wouldn’t expect someone who wants a romantic relationship to stay friends with someone who wants a platonic one. In that same vein, you shouldn’t force yourself to fit your desires from a friendship to someone else’s. You have to recognize the gap, and then you have to compromise or walk away.
I’m trying to teach myself the following: There isn’t morality in friendship. There isn’t a good or bad way to have friends. There’s just the kind of relationship you want with someone and the kind of relationship they want with you and what you make of it together. And that’s not necessarily going to look like friendship to someone else, but it will be yours.
I’m unsafe to ghost. My brain is excellent, but emotional regulation isn’t easy for me. Sometimes it feels impossible. My downward spiral is swift, vicious, and easily triggered.
But I ghost too. It’s a grey area!
The power we can reclaim is learning to let go. Easier said than done? but most things worth doing be like that.
I wanna talk about unhelpful stims. The stims which maybe aren’t so okay because they end up hurting you. Whenever I am anxious or overwhelmed I will find myself automatically doing this until my thumb is bleeding which is normally what alerts me to the fact I’m doing it. I'm working on ways to replace this stim.
What I often see is arguments against stimming which emphasise that stimming is bad because of ones like this. What’s more important to understand is that stimming in healthy ways stops me from getting to the point where I end up uncontrollably stimming in ways like this as often. Sensory overload is going to happen but harmless stimming reduces how often it occurs.
Stimming is healthy and important. If you have a damaging stim you can work on switching it but please don’t feel like you need to stop stimming.
I’ve realised since moving out, autistic people are expected to make themselves like others. I am expected to devote my life to mimicking neurotypicals in every way possible. I am expected to live as a defective neurotypical person, always striving to blend in.
Then it occured to me… why can’t I live as a perfectly fine autistic person? Why can’t I spend my energy being me and living my own life in my own way? What is so wrong with actually just being myself?
I’m not going to live as a faulty version of a ‘normal’ person anymore. My brain is different but that does not make it wrong.
Love your brain and love yourself and your perspective of the world ♡
so I’m a lifelong atheist and I’ve never actually read the bible but this guy sure seems like he has ADHD
you’re telling me he hyperfocused so hard he created the whole world in 6 days, then got kinda tired of it and didn’t really do anything until the project started going wrong at which point he tried in frustration to flood the whole thing so he could start over
“with the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day” bestie it is time to get tested
I unironically love the theological hot takes on this site.
“God’s mind works with the speed—and sometimes the randomness—of ADHD. God feels pain with the depths of depression, and joy like an episode of mania. God hears the voices of all people and all living things. God has no one way of solving problems. Sometimes God moves from step to step with the most analytic of minds. Sometimes God makes great intuitive leaps that cannot be explained. Sometimes God gets stuck in a loop because the present, whether good or bad, is the time where God lives.”
I wonder what god was thinking when they created me
“let’s put this mentally ill trans gay afab autistic kid in an extra religious household somewhere in an asian conservative country who never acknowledges faer disability and struggles, it’s gonna be fun lol”
Yo autistic folks, i wanna know how we feel about allistics using the term “meltdown” to describe their allistic experience of like crying or breaking down, is this ok?
ALT
