I watched the sunrise for the first time in a few years this morning.
The darkest part of night before the dawn. The way the sky turns black-blue and deepens in color. The shadows that grow darker, stiller, and then start to fade as the sun peeks over the horizon. The sky is dyed with a pale purple this morning shot through with…
Every time I tell myself I will do an update more than once every few months, it somehow invokes some variation of Murphy’s Law. Oof.
So there’s been more health nonsense that’s transpired, and it kicked me harder than I anticipated it would. It isn’t COVID-19 related, I’m safe from that for the time being and am actually going to set an appointment to be tested for antibodies here in the next…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if the phrase “self care” doesn’t resonate with you, try calling it “system maintenance” and see if that clicks.
So every time I’ve been ready to return on here life has chucked a sack of lemons at me. Anyone who knows me knows I already battle with bipolar and bpd, they will also know that last July I was supposed to have weight loss surgery but the surgeon abandoned it just after opening me up due to findings that could make it dangerous. I was referred to gastroenterology to investigate as there was some concerns that it could be cancer (which it wasn’t, thankfully).
After months of tests, waiting, more tests, discoveries, more tests and results, I have been told I can finally move ahead and have the weight loss surgery. The reason now is not just because for 10 years I’ve been working hard to try and change the quality of my life (I went from 189kg to 124kg), but now it is about preserving my life. I was diagnosed with liver disease as a result of the MRI scan on my stomach. I was told that it was why my physical health has been affected the way it has been but it opened a whole new can of worms for me. It mucked with my mental health further and sent me down a new depressive path because it’s not what you expect to hear. They also told me the best way to treat it is weight loss because there are no medications or cures for it. Without weightloss, each stage will get worse ultimately leaving me needing a liver transplant. So now I’m back at the top of the waiting list for weightloss surgery. I’ve been told to expect it within the next 2 months.
That news is great but some people in my life still think it’s a quick fix to losing weight but it isn’t. I will be having a gastric bypass it will mean a huge change in everything I can eat not to mention how much I can eat. It is a tool to help lose weight not a magical solution to losing it. There are so many negative stigmas attached to such surgery but this is about living now. I have had to start culling my family and friendship circle to only those who are supportive. I’ve been mentally taking time away from things, focusing on spending time with my family. Rewatching Supernatural (it was always my guilty pleasure and comfort especially as I always related to Sam) with my sister and also doing a costume course online and getting in touch with who I am.
I know I haven’t been around for my tumblr and discord friend & family much this year, I’ve had such low points mentally this year where I’ve even wondered if my existence is worth it. Thankfully I moved on from that dark phase and I’m almost back to where I need to be, so I do apologise for my lengthy absence but I am making my way back to where I need to be.
Long time no see my babibu followers, those days I have been stuck with school stuff and the worse than it is at my country, the amount of students suicidal is developing, also it’s almost the last semester. At this post I want to say that please take care of your mental and physical health, it’s okey to have a break, it’s okey to be broken, it’s okey to get a bad mask, just continue your life by yourself. I know that like “i hate myself”, “everyone hates me”, “it’s harder and harder to breath”,… but the things that I really respectfully is still can meet your today and tomorrow and in the future.
“This is the picture of a student with Dipterocapus Retusus (a type of tree has their dipterocapus usually falls at the last semester of school year) falling in the blue sky.”
hello loves, and welcome to this week’s post~ i know that i am posting on a monday, but this is due to the fact that Easter was yesterday, and my procrastination got the best of me. although i did not do anything special for Easter this year, i was chained to my desk doing assignments, lectures, and readings.
anyways, this week’s post is dedicated to all of the apps that have helped me get…
“I just don’t get excited about figure skating anymore and it makes me very sad. It’s hard to care when competitions have no stakes and my faves aren’t competing. I used to watch everything on the edge of my seat, and now I’m like, ‘Oh, was there another Russian Cup this weekend? Whatever.’ Hopefully, we will have normal international competitions next season.”
“I understand why it has to be this way, but I’m still very sad that most of my non-Russian favourites (and of course all the others too) won’t get a chance to compete this season. I miss them.”
