#snape quotes
poppy: you appear courageous but your vital signs betray a heightened state of anxiety.
snape: or as i like to call it, tuesday
voldemort: lucius, you’ll work with narcissa and severus.
lucius: alright! my fantasy threesome!
everyone else: *blanks stares*
lucius: …of people on a team.
snape: you know what they say. where there’s smoke there’s fire.
mcgonagall: and you.
snape: [pushing on a door very clearly labelled pull]
lily: [filming] push harder!
snape: albus, you can’t just go around sacrificing people! this isn’t, this isn’t… what place am I trying to think of minerva?
mcgonagall: no place! there’s no place where you can go around sacrificing people!
*hospital wing scene*
lavender: you’re dumping me for her?!
ron: no, i’m dumping you, period. and then i’m gonna be with her. period. if that’s okay with her, question mark.
hermione: totally. exclamation point.
snape: puke. parenthesis, bold, underline.
lupin, walking by:hola!
snape: that bitch is pure evil.
snape: okay, don’t worry about it. i’ll go talk to lockhart, i can reason with him.
mcgonagall: say that last sentence again.
snape: i can reason with him.
mcgonagall:
snape: i’ll distract him with something shiny.
narcissa: *holding lucius’ hand over her stomach so he can feel the baby kick* sorry this is taking so long, they kicked for everyone else.
lucius: it’s hard for the little guy to preform under pressure.
snape: top ten things lucius said on his wedding night.
lucius:woah! it was small, but i think i felt something!
regulus: top ten things cissy said on her wedding night.
snape:*laughes*
lucius: stop laughing at it!
snape and regulus: top ten things lucius said on his wedding night!
draco: tell me a scary story
snape: once i pimp slapped a seagull into a cafe. i thought it was a ball being thrown at me but it was a flying gull and i instinctively batted it away and into a cafe table full of people.the chaos was unimaginable.
mcgonagall: severus has no survival skills, his need to win has replaced him.
sprout: that can’t be true.
mcgonagall: watch this.
mcgonagall: hey, severus, race you to the bottom of the stairs!
snape: *throws himself out a window*
mcgonagall, watching harry do something stupid: severus, you’re officially the second highest risk here.
snape: hell yeah! i’m gonna-
mcgonagall: don’t finish that sentence, you’ll move back up.
pettigrew: the dark lord wants to speak to you.
snape: the dark lord is my arch enemy, why would i speak with him?
sirius: wait, hang on a minute. the dark lord is your arch enemy now? i’ll scratch his eye out.
dumbledore: i guess we learned a valuable lesson.
snape: “we”? don’t drag me into this, i’m not here to learn.
snape: look, i hate to say it, but you’re acting like me.
mcgonagall: posting gilderoy’s credit card number in the newspaper because he said you looked tired?
snape:
snape: oh, right, i forgot i did that.
snape: how to kiss someone.
snape:grab their waist.
snape: slip your hand into their pocket.
snape:steal their wallet.
snape:don’t even kiss them.
snape:just run.
james: we can’t tell you because you’re not part of the club.
snape:what club?
sirius:the hating snape club.
snape: …the fuck? i should be the leader of that club.
snape, to lily: you’re too good for this world.
snape: but that’s okay.
snape: i’ll be an asshole for the both of us.
snape: at this point we aren’t just flirting with disaster. we’re rounding third base and asking if disaster has any condoms
snape: I don’t mean to be a bitch-
mcgonagall:*raises eyebrow*
snape:
snape: well, actually I do-
snape: we’ve got to draw his fire. give him a target.
lupin:how?
snape: you know how sometimes i have really brilliant ideas?
lupin:…yeah?
snape:well this isn’t one of those times. [jumps into the line of fire and waves his arms around] look at me! i’m a target!
regulus:so what?!
sirius:so what?!
regulus:yes, so what if severus is the devil, sirius?! at least the devil has job, at least the devil is active in his community!
snape:minerva is making us have family staff game night tonight. you know us, the aurors will be here an hour after we get started.
snape: why would i want to go to a wedding? weddings are basically funerals with cake. if i wanted to watch someone throw their life away, i’d hang out with potter all day.
snape: i can’t do it, i’m busy.
mcgonagall: no! because i checked your calendar and you don’t have plans for the next thirty years!
snape: ha! i don’t have a calendar!
mcgonagall: ha! people who don’t have calendars also don’t have plans!
snape:i’m in charge of this disaster
harry:i have a name
voldemort: i have made the decision to trust you.
snape: a horrible decision really.
snape:and what do we say when we have to express gratitude?
voldemort:i’ll spare you this time
snape, sighing: no
lucius: love you, narcissa
narcissa: love you too, lucius
*silence*
lucius:we both love you as well, severus
snape:thanks. I was feeling left out
sybill:telling the future
snape:what’s your favourite power?
snape:wait
sybill:
snape:that was good, bro
dumbledore:what’s a thot?
snape:
snape:thoughtful person
[later]
dumbledore: thanks for helping me! your such a thot!
mcgonagall: i’m a wHAT?
snape: currently considering becoming a bother or a nuisance.
snape: maybe even a menace or an inconvenience.
snape: haven’t made up my mind yet.
*snape sneaking in at 2am*
eileen, flicking on the light and turning around on her chair: where were you?
snape:i… i was with lily
lily, turning around on her chair: wanna try again?
severus snape headers
- like or reblog if you save/use
- credits to @evercstairs on twitter
voldemort: i have made the decision to trust you.
snape: a horrible decision really.
Harry Potter and Taylor Swift’s Songs
Dumbledore : The old dumb dumb can’t come to the phone right now, ‘cause he’s dead! *dead*
Harry : I think he did it but i just can’t prove it *looking at draco aggresively*
Ron: Knew he was a killer first time that i saw him
Hermione : It’s death by a thousand cuts!
Y/n : OOOOHHHH GODDAMN!
Snape : He did it
Harry : How’s one to know?
Snape : Wind in my hair, i was there, i remember it all too weeeeellllll
