June 20th 2020

After one year of collage I’ve seen what most people are today. I truly know this world is not worth living in, for me. They have finally succeeded in making me so closed off and so numb to everything. I’ll still be a good person but I’ll never be the same.

So thank you, to all those people for making me another broken and numb person in this world.

The only difference is I will fix all those broken parts and make myself whole again unlike them.

I’ll never be loved

I’ll never be special

I’ll never be worth it

I’ll never be enough

I feel lonely all the time even when I’m around people. Honestly I don’t even feel like I’m physically there and it wouldn’t matter if I wasn’t

I’m always thinking and thinking and over thinking about everything I say and do because I’m trying to figure out why it’s so easy for people to leave me like I wasn’t worth anything in the first place even though I try so hard to be perfect but as usual I’m not good enough

I’m too intense, too weird too this too that I’m so done with everything, so tired of this life and the people in it tried of being someone’s second choice, tired of if I make a mistake I can’t get a second chance tired of everything and everyone if I die it wouldn’t matter that much anyways

When you find out you will always be just a play toy to him, just confirms it’s better to be alone.

To be honest, I just want to die.

11/2/2020

I’ve come to realize there is something deeply wrong with me and as much as I try not to be, I am a toxic person maybe not to others most likely just to myself but it’s probably the truth. I try my best to be a good person, a good friend but the feeling of being a outcast and the persistent thoughts that I’m not good enough and that I’m stupid control my mind. I hate the way I think, I hate that I don’t get it on the first go, I hate that I always feel like I’m the reason why everything comes apart. The feeling of consent numbness also makes not want to do anything but laying in bed.

Why do I feel like I can’t do this anymore.

Day 72 of college

Not feeling great again not feeling anything at all just feeling numb, numb to the whole world I can’t even cry about my pain and problems like I used to all my smiles just feel so fake but no one really realizes. I have no motivation to do anything at all and my body just feel tried, I feel so done with everything I don’t know what to do or say anymore. If I say what I want to say it comes out wrong and I hurt the people I care for. I want my space but I feel so lonely when I have it my body and mind just feels like it’s shutting down and it’s getting harder and harder to wake up if I’m lucky to get any sleep at all i truly don’t want to go on I’ve been told so many times in my life that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life and I can’t help but believe it no one wants to be around me because I’m too weird or I’m too crazy or better yet I’m too hard to deal with cause I’m not happy all the time. I don’t want to be alone forever I’ve tried everything to change myself, to be better so everyone can like me but eventually everyone leaves. I don’t want to be alive.

I’m all alone

I just feel so empty