I’ll never be loved

I’ll never be special

I’ll never be worth it

I’ll never be enough

I feel lonely all the time even when I’m around people. Honestly I don’t even feel like I’m physically there and it wouldn’t matter if I wasn’t

I’m always thinking and thinking and over thinking about everything I say and do because I’m trying to figure out why it’s so easy for people to leave me like I wasn’t worth anything in the first place even though I try so hard to be perfect but as usual I’m not good enough

I’m too intense, too weird too this too that I’m so done with everything, so tired of this life and the people in it tried of being someone’s second choice, tired of if I make a mistake I can’t get a second chance tired of everything and everyone if I die it wouldn’t matter that much anyways

When you find out you will always be just a play toy to him, just confirms it’s better to be alone.

To be honest, I just want to die.

11/2/2020

I’ve come to realize there is something deeply wrong with me and as much as I try not to be, I am a toxic person maybe not to others most likely just to myself but it’s probably the truth. I try my best to be a good person, a good friend but the feeling of being a outcast and the persistent thoughts that I’m not good enough and that I’m stupid control my mind. I hate the way I think, I hate that I don’t get it on the first go, I hate that I always feel like I’m the reason why everything comes apart. The feeling of consent numbness also makes not want to do anything but laying in bed.

Why can’t I just be happy?

I feel like every time I am close to happiness something, someone or even myself prevents it from happening. It’s like I’m not ment to be happy, I’m not ment to go a few days without my mind reminding me how much of a disappointment I am, without my grandmother telling me how imperfect I am. I can’t have a day where my own toughts telling me I would be better off lock away where no one will have to deal with me. I’m trying my very best every day to come off as this happy person but I can’t do it all the time

Why do I feel like it’s my fault, that I’m the one to blame for being used by other people that I deserve to be unloved that everything is my fault that I deserve to be alone that no matter what I do or say I’ll be alone for the rest of my life and that’s what I deserve for being a vulnerable and actually a caring person.

I’m so tired of being numb

Not feeling great again not feeling anything at all just feeling numb, numb to the whole world I can’t even cry about my pain and problems like I used to all my smiles just feel so fake but no one really realizes. I have no motivation to do anything at all and my body just feel tried, I feel so done with everything I don’t know what to do or say anymore. If I say what I want to say it comes out wrong and I hurt the people I care for. I want my space but I feel so lonely when I have it my body and mind just feels like it’s shutting down and it’s getting harder and harder to wake up if I’m lucky to get any sleep at all i truly don’t want to go on I’ve been told so many times in my life that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life and I can’t help but believe it no one wants to be around me because I’m too weird or I’m too crazy or better yet I’m too hard to deal with cause I’m not happy all the time. I don’t want to be alone forever I’ve tried everything to change myself, to be better so everyone can like me but eventually everyone leaves. I don’t want to be alive.

It’s the last week the semester and I feel like I’m at my breaking point. My laptop that I’ve been trying to work with ohad broken down and now is beyond repair. I feel so useless as the I spent all the money I had saved up on fixing it the 1st time. Even though exams are less than a week away my lectures are still giving assignments. I was struggling before and now i feel like there’s no hope. I’ve been asking and begging for help but no one seems to care or understand the depth of this situation. I really need help more than before. I have no idea how I’m to manage to finish the assignments and exams. I really need help and advice.

Why do I never feel like I belong

Everything hurts all the time

I just feel so empty

Why bother try, we all die anyways, might as well end it

After everyone leaves the saddest part is getting used to being all alone again

I cut people out of my life that drain my energy with their toxic nature.

I’m so numb inside I literally feel hollow, nothing makes me laugh anymore and my heart hurts all the time. I feel like I’m dying I feel like I’m not going to make it, I can’t live like this I want to die