#self mutalition

I’ll never be loved

I’ll never be special

I’ll never be worth it

I’ll never be enough

I feel lonely all the time even when I’m around people. Honestly I don’t even feel like I’m physically there and it wouldn’t matter if I wasn’t

I’m always thinking and thinking and over thinking about everything I say and do because I’m trying to figure out why it’s so easy for people to leave me like I wasn’t worth anything in the first place even though I try so hard to be perfect but as usual I’m not good enough

I’m too intense, too weird too this too that I’m so done with everything, so tired of this life and the people in it tried of being someone’s second choice, tired of if I make a mistake I can’t get a second chance tired of everything and everyone if I die it wouldn’t matter that much anyways

When you find out you will always be just a play toy to him, just confirms it’s better to be alone.

To be honest, I just want to die.

11/2/2020

I’ve come to realize there is something deeply wrong with me and as much as I try not to be, I am a toxic person maybe not to others most likely just to myself but it’s probably the truth. I try my best to be a good person, a good friend but the feeling of being a outcast and the persistent thoughts that I’m not good enough and that I’m stupid control my mind. I hate the way I think, I hate that I don’t get it on the first go, I hate that I always feel like I’m the reason why everything comes apart. The feeling of consent numbness also makes not want to do anything but laying in bed.

Does anyone sometimes cut to prove to themselves that your emotions are valid because you’ve been invalidated your whole life? Cause same.