#the signs as

aries:

taurus:

gemini:

cancer:

leo:

virgo:

libra:

scorpio:

sagittarius:

capricorn:

aquarius:

pisces:

aries: hummus & veggies
taurus: taro chips
gemini: edamame
cancer: dried fruit
leo: pistachios
virgo: oatmeal
libra: avocado
scorpio: almonds
sagittarius: snap peas
capricorn: pumpkin seeds
aquarius: protein shakes
pisces: greek yogurt

aries: hot cheetos
taurus: pringles
gemini: goldfish
cancer: skittles
leo: oreos
virgo: rice krispies
libra: milanos
scorpio: doritos
sagittarius: starbursts
capricorn: sour gummy worms
aquarius: reese’s peanut butter cups
pisces: peach rings

aries - “to achieve sex-goddess status, you have to truly master his man bits.”
taurus - “chew a small piece of mango then take him in your mouth.”
gemini - "hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other.”
cancer - "feed each other ice cream in the dark. not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.”
leo - “draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones.”
virgo - “during oral, suck in air as you go down and blow it out as you go up.”
libra - "receive a butterfly kiss of your breasts.”
scorpio - "rent a horror movie and play it while you have sex. if they hear any screams, they’ll assume it’s the movie.”
sagittarius - "not ecofriendly? it could be a sign that he’ll trash your relationship too.”
capricorn - “tickle his feet with your nipples.”
aquarius - "cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple.”
pisces - “mix one tablespoon of saliva with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit.”

aries - i was feeling a little off today, but you definitely turned me on
taurus - damn, if being sexy was a crime, you’d be guilty as charged
gemini - is your dad a terrorist? because you are the bomb
cancer - do you have a map? i’m getting lost in your eyes
leo - are you netflix? because I could watch you for hours
virgo - are you a bank loan? because you’ve got my interest
libra - do you work at starbucks? because I like you a latte
scorpio - i’m not staring at your boobs, i’m staring at your heart
sagittarius - do you smoke pot? because weed be cute together
capricorn - are you a parking ticket? ‘cause you’ve got fine written all over you
aquarius - if you were a booger i’d pick you first
pisces - are you a camera? because every time I look at you, I smile

aries: dom - 90%
          sub - 59%
          switch - 75%

taurus: dom - 40%
         sub - 97%
         switch -50%

gemini: dom - 68%
         sub - 74%
         switch - 85%

cancer: dom - 62%
         sub - 93%
         switch - 27%

leo:dom - 72%
         sub - 74%
         switch - 80%

virgo: dom - 65%
         sub - 89%
         switch - 71%

libra: dom - 69%
         sub - 69%
         switch - 50%

scorpio: dom - 85%
         sub - 89%
         switch - 100%

sagittarius:dom - 88%
         sub - 75%
         switch - 82%

capricorn:dom - 95%
         sub - 62%
         switch - 73%

aquarius:dom - 68%
         sub - 73%
         switch - 62%

pisces: dom - 34%
         sub - 100%
         switch - 27%

aries: bad guy
taurus: my strange addiction
gemini: COPYCAT
cancer: lovely
leo: you should see me in a crown
virgo: xanny
libra: i love you
scorpio: all good girls go to hell
sagittarius: my boy
capricorn: bury a friend
aquarius: wish you were gay
pisces: ocean eyes

Gemini: So then I said it was KNIFE to see them, it was a great little pun-

Virgo: YOU THREW A SHARPENED BUTTER SPREADER AT THEIR TORSO

Aquarius: Don’t worry, I’m in STABle condition

Pisces:*sneezes*

Leo:[silence]

Pisces:You’re not even gonna say “bless you”?

Leo:I’m sitting with you, you’ve clearly been blessed.

Here is my birth chart!

Our next victim for our weekly chart roasting!

Send me your birth chart if you’d like to participate

Most importantly don’t forget to roast

Sagittarius: It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize.

Capricorn: I wasn’t apologi–

Sagittarius: Apology accepted.

Virgo: And the worst part is I had to have the breakup sex by myself

Leo: We have a different kind of chemistry

Capricorn: Ya like acid in the face

Gemini: Are you okay?

Cancer, lying face down on the floor: Yeah sure why do you ask

Hit me with your best shot :p

♊♍♓♉♈♒♏♐♎♌♑♋

I totally forgot to post this yesterday… I am SO sorry

This is our 3rd week of chart roasting how exciting! Let’s make this the best roast yet

Scorpio: My aesthetic is the kid on the playground who tells all the other kids that ring around the rosies is about the black plague. 

Libra: Fist me

Aquarius: I- what the fuck?

Libra: *Holds out hand for a first bump*

Aquarius: Right, that’s what you- right, okay, God, Jesus fucking Christ

Cancer: Truth or dare?

Gemini:Truth.

Cancer: How many hours of sleep did you get this week?

Gemini:Dare.

Cancer: Go to sleep.

Gemini: I don’t like this game.

ARIES: They see you as competition // Prepare to fight or bow out. There’s no stopping them. They’ll steamroll you if you don’t get out of their way.
TAURUS: When they are close to their goal // Don’t impede them. Help if you can. It will substancially raise your stock for the future.
GEMINI: When they feel their survival or stability is threatened // Get out of their way. They’ll best any obstacle in their path.
CANCER: You’ve threatened their friends or family // Cower or prepare to take a beating. Expect brutality. They’ll probably try to kill you but they’re capable of mercy in some cases.
LEO: If you take something they see as theirs // Give it back or they’ll inevitably find a way to take it by force.
VIRGO: When they feel involuntarily vulnerable // Give them their space or prepare to be unceremoneously pushed out of it.
LIBRA: You’ve embarassed them in any way // Prepare to be blacklisted. They’ll run a heavy smear campaign, destroy all your credibility, and aim for the heart with emotional jabs if they know where you’re weak.
SCORPIO: You’ve scorned them in love // Run for the hills. Their retribution will be swift, severe, and relentless.
SAGITTARIUS: When trying to prove their point // Listen to their side and if you must disagree or argue, do so with respect, logic and competence.
CAPRICORN: In business // Make sure you’re on their side, or make space for them to pass you.
AQUARIUS: In defense of an underdog // Leave their underdog alone and appologize.
PISCES: When they’re underestimated // Give them the credit they deserve before they go overboard in trying proving themselves and create substancial collateral damage.

HIBERNATES FOR A MONTH
Scorpio, Cancer, Aquarius, Taurus

PRETENDS EVERYTHING IS FINE AND REPRESSES THE PAIN
Capricorn, Virgo, Sagittarius, Libra

TALKS IT OUT WITH FRIENDS UNTIL THEY CAN UNDERSTAND
Gemini, Leo, Aries, Pisces

stardust-zodiac:

I seem to make a lot of Lana tsa’s so here’s a masterpost for you.

THE SIGNS AS RARE LANA SONGS
THE SIGNS OFF BORN TO DIE
THE SIGNS OFF ULTRAVIOLENCE
THE SIGNS OFF HONEYMOON
HOLLYWOOD’S DEAD
WEST COAST
VIDEO GAMES
BROOKLYN BABY
HIGH BY THE BEACH

Aries - Trump’s star

Taurus - Jeff Goldblum

Gemini:Betsy DeVos’s yacht

Cancer:the patriarchy

Leo - gender norms

Virgo - Tom Riddle’s diary

Libra - the glass ceiling

Scorpio - dat ass

Sagittarius:that like button

Capricorn:work laptop

Aquarius:Loki

Pisces:pumpkins

Aries - Home ownership

Taurus -  Banks

Gemini - Department Stores

Cancer - Applebee’s

Leo - Bar soap

Virgo - Fabric softener

Libra -Credit

Scorpio-Relationships

Sagittarius - J. Crew

Capricorn-Diamonds

Aquarius - the 9-5 work day

Pisces - The American Dream

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces