you know that moment when you do something wrong and you literally wanna remove yourself from you body and beat yourself up?

I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.

my friends simulator.

would you like to befriend someone with a mental illness: yes/no

you picked yes

would you like to be warned ahead of time of their symptoms yes/no

you picked yes

uh oh they’re showing symptoms what’s your next move

show them support and understanding/abandon them without warning

you chose abandon them without warning

congratulations your awful

*edit* My roommate is okay and is getting psychological help.

Holy fuck, so much had happened. Kinda spinning my world around like crazy. But I can finally say, I am staying mostly mentally stable during all of it. Up until a few days ago I’ve been mood wise, stable. Not manic, not depressive. I’ve had some auditorial hallucinations in the bathroom, but other than that I’ve been fine. Besides my anxiety. My anxiety is through the roof. I went to Alaska for two weeks, my sister had her baby. She’s adorable. It was great, I had so time of solitude. I miss it. Just hung out by myself in the guest room downstairs and wrote in my journal for hours. It was so quiet, peaceful. Besides feeling homesick I loved the trip. Then I got home.. first night back, my roommate lays on me that he had his suicide planned and wants to know if I can pay for the apartment by myself. It was like, what the fuck? I bawled, begging him not to go through with it. Well. That’s when I started having hallucinations and anxiety. It turned my world upside down. Then I finally met the guy I’ve been talking to for three weeks and my roommate (who likes me) got coked out, drunk and jealous. He kicked me out. But apologized the next day and told me I could stay. Mr and him are pretty cool but I can’t continue to live here. So me and my best friend are looking at apartments now. We’re trying to save up enough for the deposits and get her car situation. I’m so excited. This is gonna be home. Finally. Non toxic, healthy, fun. She’ll hype me up for work and my onlyfans. I’ll do better with work. I’ve already been so confident. It’s not even manic confidence. Because it started in Alaska. I started writing in my journal and I was just optimistic and finally talking about how sexy and great of a person I am. I can’t write stuff like that on here because I don’t want to come off as cocky. I’ve just never given myself pep talks and actually appreciated myself before. I’ve found confidence again. Life itself is stressful and hard. But mentally? I’m good. I’m holding it together better than I ever have before. With optimism. I’ve always been such a pessimistic person. It’s crazy how different my perspective of life has changed. I want to keep going for once. To give myself the life I know I deserve. I haven’t had one suicidal thought. I can’t imagine doing that, life is what I make it. I’m going to make it fun, and happy. I’ve kept myself in the darkness for a decade and a half. That’s over. I’ve suffered long enough.

Thinking Clearly

So I’m more balanced. Thinking clearly. In no way do I want to be intimate or sexual with a man. I’m so uninterested. I haven’t even been flirting with a single guy. This is new. I’m usually always talking to atleast one person. I’m just happy I didn’t just go sleep with random guys or hop into another relationship like I normally do. I’m just completely over it right now. And although I miss my ex. I’m starting to get over him too. I don’t think about him all the time anymore. I don’t listen to his music every day anymore. I don’t text him. I see his posts on Instagram and yes those moments it gets to me. But I tell myself that he doesn’t love me. He’s not thinking about me. He doesn’t miss me. This doesn’t hurt him. He’s moved on. And it helps me. I’ll get over him. And hopefully I keep this disinterest in dating and men for a while. I want to stay single. Live for me. Make money for me. Living for other people has gotten old. I need to focus on me because I can make good things happen for myself if u just try harder.

Leveling out.

I think I’m starting to come down from my manic episode finally. I started taking more of my mood stabilizer than in prescribed. I’m at basically the lowest dose. I think it’s leveling me out. I’m still hypomanic but nothing is uncontrollable anymore. I’m no longer being reckless and incredibly impulsive. Well, not to the extent that I was at. It was scary how out of control I was. I was ready to commit myself. I’m still going out almost every night, having a drink. But I’m not hooking up with anyone, doing drugs or going to anyone’s house and staying the night. So there’s that. I just hope this doesn’t mean I’m about to hit a depressive episode. That’s what I’m afraid of. If I don’t work I’m fucked. So let’s just hope I level out instead of going from one extreme end of the spectrum to the next.

im such a dumbass my fp didnt even love me back lmap

“i dont want to be the fp stereotype”

she said as she abandoned me. i did it again. i completely fucked up.

100% of my peoblems would be gone if i wasnt so overemotional

how do i close this stupid hole in my soul???? im in so much pain how do i stop ot

will someone ever love me how i love others??? will my presence ever make a difference?

ive been replaced with air.

my presence didnt make a difference it seems. its been proven today that mt existance made no difference in your life

will someone ever be able to love a wreck like me

why is it my fault she ruined my birthday????? why is she too immature to apologize??? this couldve been solved so easily if you werent such a fucking moron

im all alone with no friends and no purpose to exist, what can i do to feel alive???

im not going back to her this time but the breathlessness i feel leaving is just as bad a s staying

If you have BPD you know the struggle.

*texts bestfriend at 9:30am knowing she is at work* hey babes, hope you have a good day! Talk to you on your lunch.

*does not reply cuz working*

12pm on the dot. *texts bestie* hello! How is work going?

*doesn’t reply; getting her shit together for her break*

12:03 *texts bestfriend again*

❤️☺️

*does not text back; still getting her shit together*

12:10 *texts bestfriend again, anxiously scrolls through Instagram. Keeps closing and opening bestfriend and I messages. Keeps thinking what if I did something wrong.*

BISH. WHAT DOING.

12:30 *gets reply from bestfriend*

Hey babes, sorry, I was getting my shit together and went to sit in my car. How is your day going? Work is work you know. Nothing fun.

*texts back immediately*

OH THANK GOD. I thought you were mad at me.

“you’re overdramatic” okay? and?? your point is..???

onlinecounsellingcollege:

“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex; but eventually it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hand inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past - the memories - and make peace with them.”

— Iyanla Yanzant

I just need a deep rest from myself, I wanna disappear from the face of the earth.

Those days full of uncontrollable volatility just before you disassociate for god knows how long…

Wondering why my mood swing spectrum is always between being chaotic and being melancholic…

Why am I so triggered by being told to be quiet… like wtf.. I’m such a fucking child

Just gonna stop keeping my hopes up over stuff…

Im sick of being the therapist friend, but i know if im not she’ll commit cause no one else cares about her

Fear of being abandoned ✅

I let my hurt inner child do something bad and now I might be single

I’m on a waiting list right now for my autism screening stuff and I’m very curious as to what is going to happen I hope everything goes well and I can get in

I’m realizing I’ve been depressed since I was a little kid and I thought it was just my personality but now I’m coming out of it and it’s like I’m getting the childhood I never got to have back

I had to call the cops on my mom tonight so they can take her to the mental hospital and not one of my friends or my boyfriend came to help me. Nobody fucking cares even my dad wouldn’t come help take care of his own wife. It’s so quiet and lonely in this house now all by myself I wish the cops never left so I had someone to talk to.

My mom has bipolar disorder and she has psychotic episodes sometimes. It’s be traumatizing growing up taking care of your mother when she acts like this. She can be violent and angry and just attack me suddenly because she believes I’m the devil. I used to have horrible breakdowns myself whenever this happens but recently she is in an episode and I have been doing well. I clean her bedroom and take care of her animals and clean the house and she hasn’t been violent this time around thank god. It’s just very isolating being in a house alone with her. I’m lucky we have a home and I try to remind myself that even if it’s so empty.

I’m so tired I can’t keep taking care of her

It sucks having no friends sometimes. I wanna talk to people and give eachother advice and have fun.

I keep doing bad stuff to myself for his attention I’m just getting worse and I’m gonna push him away but I can’t stop.

I long for a darkness only found in my childhood home. The basement buried deep in the soil surrounded by the forest’s roots. Cold brick walls felt safe when everything else was so scary. The basement was a bomb shelter protecting me from the war happening above. Plates being thrown through the air couldn’t reach me deep in the earth. No hands could touch me when I was cradled by the dirt. I just want to go back

My existence is not for him or anyone else this is my life and I’m not going to worry about every little thing he has ever done in the past