does anyone else got really really attached to characters who have been abused, or who like… you could theorize had been abused, i just find immense comfort in characters who have gone through these types of things, is it just me?
Need to chat? 7 Cups of Tea supports and promotes mental health and wellbeing! Lots of free resources with great information and supportive focused communities One of my favourite components is that there’s a personal growth tracker that can help you work towards improved mental, emotional, social and physical health https://www.7cups.com/12837081
Warnings: child abuse, bible nonsense, I’m pretty sacrilege but like really it’s just a funny word I’m only half sure of the meaning, and self-harm
Word count: 6 or 7,000? No pairings. All of them die single.
Here’s the bible shit you need to know only because Hotch knows: In Genesis, Cain killed his brother Abel. Also In Genesis, Abraham’s faith was tested by God telling him to take his only son, Issac, to the top of a mountain and offer him as a sacrifice. He is stopped before he delivers the killing strike and a goat is offered in Issac’s place. In Exodus, Moses saw a flaming bush and God instructed him to get the Israelites out of Egypt.
Now to the main show:
He goes to sleep with his window shut.
Dreams of the branches of the willow in the backyard creeping into his room. Long branches wrapped around his throat. A noose. He’s seen pictures in his history books. Black and white pictures of limp bodies. How bad would it really hurt? Worse than broken ribs? Worse than a fractured skull? He’s passed out before, a hand around his throat and another slamming into his stalled chest. That hurt. But suicide is a sin. The preacher on Sunday mornings, voice cracking through the mountain fog, looks right at Aaron as he breathes these words. It’s the worst sin. To kill the gift of life that God has so tenderly breathed into your lungs. Aaron looks away. He’s angry enough, scorned enough, not to care.
He wakes up and his window is open, leaves scattered on his carpet.
His mother tells him this too shall pass, holds his hand, and reads from the bible. She thinks that this is a trial, smiles, and tells him his father is just battling the devil. Aaron looks away from her, lets her hold his cold, thin wrist but refuses to sit with her. God is her comfort but not Aaron’s. If the devil is who his father battles, Aaron can’t imagine how small God must be. The devil is a bottle. So who is God?
Whiskey. The devil is whiskey, hellfire scorching Aaron’s face as his father holds him still. “Smartass,” his father jeers, thick fingers sunk into Aaron’s bottom jaw. “You never know when to shut the hell up, do you?” Aaron’s mouth hurts, his jaw grinding under the grip his father has on it. His lips are bleeding, split by the fat class ring on his father’s index finger. His blood is smeared on his cheek, dripping onto his nice shirt. Held still by his father’s crushing grip, looking into his wild, angry eyes only inches away from his own, Aaron survives by withdrawing. He sees nothing and feels nothing. Thinks about the willow in the backyard. He wouldn’t even need a rope. The branches are so thick– He’s shaken back to cognition, reflexively pulling back as his father’s face gets closer. “Are you listening to me, you little bastard?”
The fingers loosen just a fraction, he’s moving his other hand back to slap him, but Aaron sees it coming. He wrenches his face free, feels the sting of the slap, but runs. Throws the screen door open and runs. Doesn’t look back. Can’t look back.
“Come back here you stupid little prick!”
The woods welcome him. He is their child. His blood has spilled onto their foliage. He has laid in their safety. It is their life that has maintained his.
He stole a knife from the Brookes’ County Store, the owner the father of a girl he goes to school with. He’s a nice old man but Aaron doesn’t trust him. No matter how softly he speaks. Aaron’s not stupid. He’s not certain Roy Brookes would hurt him but he knows what happens when you trust adults. Two summers ago, Johnny Raylan was found drowned in the river. Lured there by his neighbor. A man he trusted, a man who loved him. Roy Brookes doesn’t even care about Aaron, so no, he doesn’t trust the man.
He stole a knife just because he knew Roy wouldn’t say anything and that made him feel big, powerful. Untouchable.
Mockingly, he carved into the bark of the oak in the middle of the woods. Taking out his pain and fear on old wood. Where no one would find his sacrilegious offense, he left “These trials will show your faith.” Aaron finds it easily and knows where to go. The woods are his home, these trees are just hallways. He comes to stand at the base of the oak tree, panting from his run. He presses his fingers into the jagged letters, feeling where the wood raises. From his back pocket, he pulls out his knife. He thumbs the blade experimentally. He sinks it into the tree, satisfied by the resistance but craving more. The knife shimmers in the sunlight, a wicked idea crosses his mind. How terribly fucked, he imagines, he must be to think such a thing. To hurt himself because he’s being hurt. How terribly unforgivable and immoral… He craves it nonetheless.
His blades are one thing, sterile and thin. Pinched perfectly between his own fingers, the depth and length determined by him.
He presses the blade into his skin, the same way he would with a razor. He punctures the skin, grunting at the hot pain that lances up his arm. This is so different. It bleeds more. More than cutting and more than he’s expecting. He presses his wrist to the tree and guides the blood into the words. Forces his blood to take to the words. It looks written in his blood.
A blood sacrifice.
[x.]
A painter does not put brush to canvas without a reference, without some idea of what comes next in the process. And for that reason, Hotch could never imagine fatherhood. How do you raise a child as a man raised by his own hand? And as the living proof of his own handiwork, at his own success at raising a child, Hotch could not suggest that other people leave their children in his care. His well of understanding on how to raise a child was not just barren, it was dry. There had never once been water to pull from his well. He’d never seen successful, kind fatherhood. He had never felt it. So how could he do it? How could he be expected to love and care for a child when he had never known it himself? When he had never been able to show even himself that same kind of gentleness.
Yet…
Jack’s head rests on Hotch’s pillow. His hair is thin still, a youthful straw yellow he’ll grow out of before too soon and Hotch will miss just how young blond hair made Jack look. His little face is still pink with agitation but his breathing calmed. He’d woken up sobbing, as he often does these days. He’s too young still to understand exactly why Hotch can’t just go get Mommy, why she won’t come back no matter how much either of them cry or agree it would be better if she were here.
It’s soothing to watch Jack sleep.
His morning breath smells like pure rot but he’s terribly adorable taking up all of the bed with all of the three feet of his body. Hotch’s on the edge of the mattress, sleeping on his side – Jack’s razor-sharp elbows and harsh kicks having driven him to there. And as fit full as his own sleep had been, he smiles as Jack slowly works at waking up. He yawns and Hotch grimaces at the face full of his son’s morning breath. Hotch makes him brush his teeth every day but there is just something about the breath of little kids…
Jack is disjointed, moving his shoulders and hips in a way that would certainly cause Hotch’s to lock up painfully. Jack tries to stand up and Hotch smirks at the state of him. His little wisps of hair stick up in every direction but he smiles happily. “Morning!” Jack dizzily falls back down on the bed, aiming and landing right on Hotch’s side. Hotch grunts at the impact, sharp elbows meeting his ribs unforgivingly. “I’m hungry.”
“Morning,” Hotch kisses his forehead, soaking in the unexpected way Jack crawls up to him. “Did you sleep alright?” Jack lays down on his chest, yawning and nodding as a reply. “You ready to get up?” Hotch rubs his back, not surprised to find Jack’s back and hair slick with sleepy sweat. The kid sweats more than anyone else he knows. Jack shakes his head. Hotch hums, he’s not ready to get up yet either. The day holds so much to do and taking a shower and shaving does not hold up to sleepy cuddles. Neither does the meeting he has with Strauss at three this evening.
But they can only put off getting ready for the day for so long.
Jack sleeps while he showers, rolling over to claim the warm part of the mattress Hotch had been laying in. Hoarding the one part of the bed he hadn’t taken over earlier in his sleep. By the time Hotch is out of the shower, working a towel through his hair quickly and trying to get a shirt on while Jack’s frantic knocking begins to be accompanied by a loud, Daddy hurry! I’m gonna pee myself! The carpet is spared an accident and Jack scowls at him from the toilet seat. He’d much rather stand to pee but in the rush, Hotch had embarrassed him by just stripping him naked himself and plopping him down on the seat rather than watch Jack piss himself trying to get out of a pair of footie pajamas. It’s happened more than once. A pouty four-year-old is better than one standing in a puddle of his own urine, sobbing uncontrollably over an accident.
Jack recovers from his humiliation and is happy to be allowed to sit on the edge of the sink and watch Hotch shave. Yawning sleepily as he walks his fingers over his father’s ribs and up to his sternum. All until he falls forward and just lets Hotch hold him upright, little feet kicking off the counter.
Brushing his teeth is like torture. Jack can not brush them well enough to avoid cavities on his own so Hotch has to double back and Jack hates it. “If you let me brush your teeth,” Hotch barters, moving Jack’s toothbrush back so he can’t grab it, “I’ll let you brush my teeth.”
Jack squints skeptically at Hotch for a moment but that’s too good of an offer to refuse. “K.”
True to his word, Hotch does allow Jack to brush his teeth and he’s very rough on the gums. But Hotch smiles and tells him that he did such a good job anyway.
He has his morning cup of coffee and two or three spoonfuls of soggy cheerios. Jack eats all of his cereal soggy, a side-effect of not yet mastering the motor control it takes to wield a spoon. Most foods he eats end up all over him. They’re working on it. In the meantime, Hotch is force-fed bits of soggy cereal every morning. Bites he has to take because he’s pretty certain if he rejects his terribly adorable son’s offer he’s an awful father. And he does enough stupid shit throughout the day to be a bad dad, he needs the easy breaks where he can get them.
Unfortunately, he really fucking hates soggy cereal.
He has two more cups of coffee before he leaves the house and he realizes then that he is fighting a very unwinnable battle.
He hasn’t been sleeping well.
Or, at all.
The couch in his office was a gift from Dave in ‘98 when he got promoted. It was a complicated gift – Dave was retiring, leaving, and giving Hotch that shitty old couch felt like blood money. Not that Dave really cared, he just didn’t want to figure out how to get that couch out of the building or to pay for a U-Haul. And who better to pawn it off onto than Hotch? In the three years that the couch sat in Dave’s office, only Hotch had ever liked that ratty old thing. The cushions are thin and the fabric is very rough. Jason would rather stand through hour-long meetings than sit on it – springs digging into his ass and back were not as bad as just standing uncomfortably.
The first concussion Hotch got on the job he slept off on that couch, curled up like a baby, and almost unwilling to get up once Haley got there. It had taken Dave and Jason to get him back up off the couch – the only reason he left the safety of the shitty couch was with the promise of a peanut butter & jelly sandwich. The only person who ever liked that couch was Hotch but Dave was almost surprised to find Hotch had kept that old piece of junk for so long but then again, not really. Then again, Hotch was still packing PB&Js for lunch so nothing really changes.
That couch is every bit of twenty years old, it’s only redeemable quality is simply that Hotch loves it. The cushions are thin and the only way he can sleep on it is on his back but that couch does what nothing else can. He takes sleeping pills and he ends up having nightmares – sleep is futile to the body if it never has the chance to relax. And the nightmares are night terrors, dreams so intense he wakes up soaked in sweat. He takes sleeping pills and then sits up for four hours in the middle of the night waiting for anxiety medications to bring him down from whatever anxiety attack he manages to work himself into.
Penelope buys him tea and the only person that seems to work on is Jack. The smell of organic Chamomile tea steeping, even just the sound of water boiling, has Jack yawning and rubbing at his eyes. Penelope says honey will help the taste and dutifully, Hotch stirs a little into his mug, but he’s not sleeping.
Except for one that shitty old couch.
It’s not at a point where people are noticing, people being Emily, but someone’s noticing and that’s never any good. She doesn’t say anything to him or any of the others about it because when it comes to dealing with Hotch making public observations about him doesn’t blow over well. Noticing him is always a bad thing but it’s better to notice in private.
“Why aren’t you sleeping?”
Hotch sits up slowly, palms pressed into his eye sockets as he tries to encourage his brain to work. “I was,” he offers matter-of-factly. For someone else he might sit up, fake being more attentive and awake. Get right to business and distract from his just sleeping hair sticking up in every direction. But Emily’s seen him worse. Besides, she’s got her arms crossed over her chest and giving him this look that he knows is going to annoy him. He has no choice but to entertain it.
She’s sitting on the coffee table, her knees against his. She’s cornered him. “You’re being weird.”
He uses the side of the couch to stand, old knees protesting the deep movement. “I do believe that calling people names is rude.” His left leg is asleep and he limps to his desk, rubbing at his eyes as he moves blindly around his office. He knows exactly where everything is just as he knows Emily is watching his every movement.
Emily clicks her tongue, pleased that he’s still groggy from his nap. Enough to loosen his tongue, to give her what she wants. “Now you’re deflecting.” She has no questions to ask. If she should be worried, he’d tell her. If something were wrong, he’d tell her. They’ve worked hard at this trust, given up too much to suddenly start pulling back.
She caves, she doesn’t want to but he sits down at his desk and puts his head in his hands. He needs to drink more water and eat something. She brought him a muffin from downstairs, a little plastic-wrapped situation. Blueberry. Normally, she brings him the chocolate chip muffins because those are the ones she likes and he never finishes one on his own. So he’ll always give her half, it’s a win-win. They’re giant muffins, really. But he is acting weird. So she feels bad and he knows it. “Here,” she throws the muffin at him and he reads the vulnerability in her kindness easily. “Eat something.”
She got him the muffin he prefers.
“Thank you.”
She shrugs it off and makes a face at him that says more than she’s willing. A warning not to make this a weird thing and a careful avoidance of his eye contact, a clarification that he does matter to her. That his well-being is something she considers and cares about. “Eat it, JJ wants us at the round table. Got a case.”
He frowns, JJ didn’t say anything to him. “Where?”
“Winchester.”
Winchester.
Barefoot two a.m. runs down the road, tearing off in one direction for as long as his legs would carry him. Hoping, praying, that his father would be too drunk to be able to find him. Seeing headlights coming up behind him and bracing for the impact.
Squeezing between his mattress and the floor when the yelling got too much, hoping if he made himself scarce he’d suddenly be forgotten. Drunk hands swiping at him, trying to grab at an ankle or a wrist and pull him out. Coming into his room the next day to find his bedframe gone, his mattress on the floor.
The clawfoot tub in the bathroom, being held under the water by a strong grip on his hair. He could never do anything right. His fear of water was born one summer afternoon, the lawn hadn’t been mowed the right way, and his t-shirt was too dirty at the dinner table. He couldn’t breathe, didn’t think he ever would after that.
One short invaluable life measured out in quick, thundering heartbeats not certain things wouldn’t end right here. His head underwater. Headlights casting the shadow of his long skinny legs up the road.
Winchester.
“Hotch?” Emily is still standing in his office, watching him just pause – this vacant, horrified look in his eyes.
He clears his throat and lowers his eyes to his desk like he’s looking for something. “I’ll – I’ll be out in a second.” He opens the muffin but only to make her think he has any intention of eating it. He doesn’t.
Winchester.
In terms of relativity, is a big enough place. Logically, the odds are on his side that they run into no one that he knows. But he knows better than to hope that luck is aligned with that logistic.
JJ hands him the file and he opens it, holding his breath as his eyes scan the page. And, of course, he’s wrong. JJ doesn’t need prompting to start so with him standing she begins the case outline.
Abraham Boseman, thirty-four, was found in the woods at the base of an old dying oak tree. Laid out on a firewood prye, throat slit.
Under the table, Emily kicks his foot. Hard. No one else notices, Derek keeps on his worried path arguing with Dave about sacrilege. Reid is trying very hard to patiently wait them out. Lips pressed together to glue them shut and his entire body bounced with his leg.
“It looks like a sacrifice.”
Hotch can’t tear his eyes away from the pictures.
“What’s that written on the tree?”
The tree. He can’t think. The tree? He looks up and watches Emily flip to pictures forward. He does the same. The tree.
Solemnly, Derek reads, “these trails will show your faith.” His voice is steady and even, the opposite of Hotch’s beat skipping thundering heart. He can’t help but look up, search Derek’s face for some reaction to the thing that he is seeing. But Derek gives nothing. He just sighs and shakes his head. “Look at that tree, the coloration of the wood, the words?” He points the tip of his pen up at the board, “it’s dark. Aged. That was written there… years ago.” He shakes his head and looks back down at the photos in front of him. “So, either he chose these woods, this tree… or we’re missing years worth of bodies.”
Hotch wonders if they can see the pulse he can feel in his face.
Dave scoffs, “we don’t know that. Something like this?” They all look back at the photo, Hotch stares forward. “It upsets people. Southern, old people don’t sit well with sacrilege. They’d have called it in if there were more bodies or, at least, called in a priest.” Like an exterminator. Leave some traps to drag the pests out.
JJ sighs, “I meant, where’s the quote from?”
Spencer raises his hand, fingers poised in that thoughtful way he does as he thinks. “It’s 1st Peter, These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.”
Derek grunts, “so this is a sacrifice? For who, God? Kind of… grotesque.”
Spencer shakes his head, “no not really. Biblically, sacrifices are very common. From the Israelites, God asked for a ram. From Abraham, his son Jacob”. From Aaron–” Spencer’s eyes move involuntarily to Hotch “–Mose’s brother, a bull.”
Derek frowns, rolling his eyes, “animals are a totally different thing.”
Penelope gasps.
“Baby girl–”
Aaron clears his throat, his head throbbing as the attention in the room spins back to him. He feels immediately light-headed. “I think Dave’s right,” heknows, “but we won’t know for certain until we get to the scene.” It’s meant to be demissive, the sound of closing files following him out. They don’t but he’s also not going to stop for the meandering conversations that they’ll have once he’s gone. His residual presence in the room will make things awkward, they’re less open when he’s around. After all, he’s the boss, not their friend.
Emily noticed his unnoticeable dissociation. The way his eyes never left the photos JJ paperclipped to the file. She follows him out of the room, accusing his back, “you’re still being weird.”
Hotch keeps on his path and ignores the Emily that apparates at his heels. He does leave the door open when he steps into his office and lets her take the time to close it behind them. He tosses the file on the desk, and lets it thud punctuate his sentence. Gives things a theatric pause. “Do we need to talk about the hostile work environment you’re causing?” He leans back onto his desk, arms crossed. There is no malice in his tone. He collected coins as a child. Endured torture at home and in class. Weird is on the list but it’s not that harsh or even creative.
Narrowing her eyes, Emily crosses her own arms. “See?” She nods her chin at him, “now you’re being defensive.”
He opens his mouth nearly immediately but closes it and that’s nearly the same thing as answering her. At least this way he doesn’t arm her with words. Pushing himself off the desk he rounds the other side, puts the desk between them. Keeps being defensive. “Is there something I can do for you, Prentiss?”
She frowns at him, calculating the response she’ll get from anything that isn’t her departure. He’ll kick her out, he’s done it before. “Yeah,” she decides. “I gave you the muffin to eat.” She turns back to the door, “so eat it, you get real… moody when you’re blood sugar is low.”
“It’s not–” he shuts his mouth. He hates the way that she gets under his skin, and bothers him like no one else can. “Tell the others we’re heading out in thirty. I just need to call transport, get enough SUVs.” He smiles politely, already thinking about how he’ll send her in the same SUV as Penelope and Spencer. Payback.
“Yes, sir.”
It’s mocking and he knows it.
“Thank you.”
[x.]
It’s a forty-five-minute drive which is, truthfully, one of the more tame adventures they’ve endured in cramped SUVs. Not that Emily will forgive Hotch anytime soon for making her go with Derek, Penelope, and Spencer for it. Her head pulses to the beat of the song Derek and Penelope happily sing over, not even the wind from her downed window relieves the pressure. He’s a bastard and she stares at the SUV in front of them, trying to stare a hole into the tires. She wants him to have to change one on the side of the road. The sweltering sun beating down on his suit-clad shoulders. Make him get a weird pain in his back. Dirt all over his hands. He’s a rat bastard and she hates him.
They’re greeted into the city of Winchester by an old wooden sign, rustic in an authentic, rotting in the ground kind of way. Derek cringes. Small towns are the worst cases to work.
Immediately, something is off. The Sheriff is a little too stiff as he shakes JJ’s hand. But Emily can’t figure out why. She narrows down the oddities to age – no one younger than thirty eyes them oldy. The woman who works the front desk frowns at them and not even Dave’s nasty way of flirting with her eases that tight frown. It’s weird, Dave’s charming. It’s also nasty but he’s very good at it.
Leaning close to JJ, the only trustable person on this team, Emily asks, “Is it me or…” Emily frowns, “they’re acting weird.” All of the officers. It started with one or two, no reason she could wrap her head around. They don’t typically like having the team around but the reactions are… different. Too much whispering and side-eyes. Not the side-eye JJ gets or the kind Spencer gets.
JJ looks up from her work, because she’s doing work and not gossiping like Emily, and frowns. She looks over her shoulder, around the room, and then back to them. “I guess,” she shrugs. “Why?”
Emily sits down, shaking her head. “Hotch.” JJ frowns. “They haven’t even noticed Reid, you notice that? Everyone notices Reid. And Garcia? Same thing. Hotch asks for something, they get weird.” She taps her finger, thinking. “Nobody does that to Hotch.” He’s big. Not broad but long. Mean too. And angry looking. Hotch asks for something and people do it. Not here.
It started with the Sheriff, the old man’s face falling as quickly as Hotch’s had twisted into something unrecognizable. Something akin to fear or… at least recognition. Then a few of the older officers. They looked angry.
JJ shrugs, “people are weird.”
“Always,” Emily frowns. She leaves, suddenly, no warning.
JJ doesn’t bother overthinking that comment or even wonder what the hell that’s supposed to mean. She has no particular interest in paying them any more mind than she has to. Places like this create a certain type of man. Those who eye her as she walks past because they don’t care to be seen watching. That’s exactly why Hotch asks her to go out to visit the victim’s family with him. He doesn’t want to stay at the station any longer and he suspects JJ will have far less to say about everything than anyone else.
Her silence is valued and then it’s corrupting. She doesn’t play music in the car and he has entirely too much time to think.
His house of horrors was framed by woods on three sides, the front opening to a driveway connected to the end of a dirt road. As a boy, he’d rest his head on the fence in the backyard gazing out into the trees and imagining the life within them. His mother forbade this after one night he told her a story, one he’d come up with all on his own, about a deer with human teeth standing on the edge of the property. It stood on its hind legs and waved. He was, from then on, no longer allowed anywhere but the front yard. Which he thought peculiar given the front yard was where his story took place. His mother smoothed this over by making sure he understood to never tell that story again. His little head just got away from him sometimes, she said. He was a gifted storyteller with an overactive imagination.
Though, typically, overactive imagination is what she called rehearsing his lies with him. Dotting fleshy color back into reddened, painful skin. Her fingers were gentle where his father’s had been rough the night before. “How’d you hit your head, sweetheart?” And with crooked teeth, he’d smile, “fell off my bunk bed!”
He wasn’t sure he’d actually seen a deer do what he told his mother he’d seen it do until that very moment. This was the line between fiction and truth – his overactive imagination.
He never really wanted to play in the backyard after that anyway.
Not to say he’s scared of the woods. He’s a grown man, faced real demons in the daylight, not ones living under his bed and waving at him from the edge of the woods. But that’s not to say he can’t feel a cold sweat breaking out underneath his shirt as JJ drives them down winding backroads of another Virginia county he wishes to not recall the name of in a month. It makes him nauseous as well, hills upon hills and forever winding roads. It has nothing to do with the trees. Nothing to do with Spencer’s sudden interest in folklore or the older man who Derek questioned who smelt exactly like honeysuckles and moonshine. It’s the road. Long and winding.
“You’ve been awfully quiet,” JJ says, blinker keeping track of the pause that follows her comment. She looks down both sides of the road and turns left. The blinker stops with a click. He says nothing. She glances over at him again. Quiet is the polite way to put it. He let her drive. Aaron Hotchner doesn’t let anyone drive. He’s been acting oddly. Paranoid in the exact same way Spencer is – looking over his shoulder and sitting with his back to the wall. She thought he might just be ill. Hotch wears ailments like relapses in his PTSD. As if the flu brings George Foyet back to life and once again they are in an active manhunt. But she’s fairly certain he’s not sick.
JJ doesn’t want to test her luck, she’s planning on bragging to the others that he let her drive and it’s really salt in the wound if she gets to drive back to the precinct too. But she also just can’t let this go. “You grew up in the area, right?” she glances over at him. Finds a storm cloud in her passenger seat. Quickly, to throw the blame, she adds, “Emily said something about it.”
Head turned towards the window, he hides the eye roll he can’t really help.
Both Derek and Emily have said something about it to him. No sooner than he could pull his hand out of the Sheriff’s, offering the man a small, tight nod, as they walked side-by-side the Sheriff’s attention going anywhere but Hotch. Which is never the standard. Sheriffs usually like to talk to Hotch, not because they like him but just because he’s the easily identified guy in charge. This Sheriff goes to Derek. Even less normal.
Derek knew. Emily was only just starting to work it out. He might not know the name of the street Aaron grew up on or which backroad would take you there but he knew the county name and that look on Hotch’s face. The same one Sean gets when he’s had too many drinks and heads down a road Derek wishes he wouldn’t.
Seatbelts unbuckling, the rest of their car ride spent in complete silence, Hotch pauses a moment before opening his door. JJ sees his contemplation and waits. After a moment he offers, “I grew up a few miles from here. On the other side of those woods.” Then he opens his door and leaves the conversation. That’s all he’s willing to say on this matter.
JJ doesn’t look in the direction he vaguely nodded to until they’re walking towards the house. He grew up in a home, that much she knows for sure, but Hotch’s history is a patchwork of half-truths. This one she’s inclined to believe but she looks into those woods and can not imagine a boy. Knowing Jack, and loving him to pieces, she knows he’s entirely woven from Haley. JJ could never imagine such wide smiles coming from Hotch, such unashamed laughter. It’s heartbreaking.
Normally, Hotch would send Derek or Emily out to do this sort of work. He is better at it and yields better results faster but he’s usually preoccupied with sheriffs and deputies. Here those people would prefer he stay very far away from them and he couldn’t be happier to oblige. He leaves them to Dave and prays the older man doesn’t say too much.
They’re visiting a widow, the victim’s mother. She’s in her eighties, a very typical southern mother. It’s easy and Hotch is comforted by the idea of it. He plays fully into his southern charm, slipping into an accent occasionally guided by the older woman sitting across from them. “And your other son–?”
“Abel,” the old woman gushes. “Abraham, Abel, and Abigail.” She sips at her sweet tea, her smile never fading. “Two sons and a daughter and I couldn’t be happier. They make me very proud to be their mother.”
JJ smiles back, “three As, that’s impressive.” She’d never understood why parents are inclined to pick one letter of the alphabet and name all their children by its guide.
Without looking away from the fireplace Hotch adds, “Abel the good shepherd, Abraham the obedient, and Abigail cause of joy.” The old woman smiles and Hotch looks away. Gideon had called him a divining rod, the kindest way to say traumatized. Adapted. He always knew which family members would be helpful when investigating. Which fathers would curl their lips when questioned and which mothers would weep, would come undone and spell out generations of just the way things are done. Always knew just what to say.
Once she’s done giggling, prideful of his knowledge, the old woman asks, “you said your name was Agent Hotchner? You any kin to the Hotchner’s over thataway?”
Hotch steadies his attention and keeps his eyes on the older woman so he won’t glance at JJ. “No,” he lies, smoothly. Smiles too wide. Too much. Too forced. “I’m afraid it’s a very common last name where I’m from. More Northern.” He glances at JJ, shying from her gaze. His eyes aimed back at the creaking floorboards below.
The old woman shakes her head, “I’ll be damned if you don’t look exactly like that family, though. Could fit right in. Exactly like the daddy of that bunch, spitting image.” She shakes her head and turns to JJ. “Meaner than a snake, that ol’ bastard. ‘Bout beat the skin off his oldest more than once. Why if I had–”
Hotch clears his throat, and suddenly his collar is too tight. “Sorry,” he apologizes immediately. Old habits die hard. Sorrywas the first word he ever learned. “Did your boys know them?” He already knows the answers. Against his better judgment, despite everything he knows, he takes a sip of the sweet tea she poured him. Tries to wet his mouth. “You said that – You’ve been in the area for a while. Could they be involved?”
Heobviously knows the answer. Her sons are younger than Sean and no one knew anything more about Sean in this town than they did about him. The entire town decided the Hotchner boys were the only things to fear in those woods. Drugs and alcohol and screams. Besides, no one lives in that old house anymore.
“No, no,” the old woman says, decisively. Without a shred of doubt, he doesn’t ask for further proof. Doesn’t need to. “Them boys… I couldn’t tell you what they’re up to. Likely prison.” She shakes her head, looks at JJ again. They share a kinship of motherhood and she suspects JJ will agree with her. As if one of those boys isn’t staring a hole into the floor beneath their feet, avoiding her eye contact.
Prison makes the skin on Hotch’s arms stand. He thinks of Sean.
The bails he’s paid off.
The law he’s practiced long after his license expired.
The rehab stays.
“Neither one of them was worth a damn.” The old woman looks remorseful, shakes her head. “Not that their daddy ever let ‘em have the chance.” She looks off to the side, wistful. Imagines the thin, inky black-haired boy standing at the edge of her property. Picking blackberries tell his fingers bled with the juice.
Hotch takes another drink from his sweet tea and sits it down with an air of finality, a southern sort of dismissal. “Thank you,” he manages, “your hospitality has been welcoming but Agent Jareau and I really should get back to the station.” He extends JJ the same smile, never reaching his eyes, “JJ can leave you with a card to contact us.”
Aaron would be the final puzzle piece. His business card would be the damning piece of evidence and that’s a distracting conversation to have. It would destroy the relationship they’ve just built. She’d known in an instant. He is that little Hotchner boy, not worth a damn.
The air is not nearly that humid but it stirs his vision dangerously the second they step out onto the porch. JJ is right behind him, having another goodbye, so she doesn’t see his miss-step. She doesn’t see the man standing in the woods either.
“Who is that?”
The old woman said her oldest son had moved out of the county two years ago and started a family. Her daughter had done the same. The only kids who stay here are caught, if you know what’s good for you, you leave so Hotch hadn’t considered she’d lie.
“JJ!”
Shotgun pellets. His side stings.
“Go!” JJ has the old woman pinned to the house’s wall. “Go! I’ve got this!”
Abel and Cain. Guess he should have seen that one coming. A biblical retelling. All the wrong characters, the story jumbled. Close but not right.
It suddenly makes too much sense. Hotch wonders what they’d find in Abel’s house. He’d only heard stories, awful, crass retellings of the sort of things recovered in the bedrooms of men and women in fitful delusions. Mostly, he just gets twisted up. Abel killed Abraham. Dave will eat this up, it’s perfect book material. The twisted biblical stories. Not right but intricate and interesting.
Another shot is fired, this one aimed at his head. He falls down in the driveway, scrapes his knees up but doesn’t get shot. “Abel!” he shouts, following the back of the man in front of him. The bushes at the mouth of the woods have been beaten into a path of sorts, thistles pushed aside. They reach for his pants, tear at his clothing. “FBI! Abel, you need to stop running!”
His side pulses, hot and angry, and he comes to a fumbled stop. He searches the woods for a moment, hearing nothing but the sound of his breath. Then white-hot pain blossoms across the back of his head. He falls back, sticks and rocks digging into his back.
“I did what was asked of me!” Hotch pitches forward, gasping and spitting up vomit. His vision swims dangerously until his head is suddenly grabbed. Two hands hold his face still, forcing his eyes to meet the man in front of him. “I did what was asked of me,” Abel repeats. “You must understand. Who am I to disobey God?” A second time, more frantically, he repeats, “God!”
Hotch tries to open his mouth, to encourage Abel to let him go or to find the right thing to say. But he just can’t think of any words. He just can’t feel anything. His eyes roll back into his head, his lips meeting in a soundless last attempt to stay alive.
if you’re reading this, you’re probably like us- stuck in an abusive and/or neglectful household for seemingly an endless amount of time, feeling trapped and like you’ll never get out. well, good news! you’ll get out eventually! and until you do, we have some tips to help you through it. it sucks, I know, but we’ll all get through it together, yeah?
these are all from a variety of sources and have been compiled over years of research. some may be outdated or may not work due to various reasons [changes in how appliances work, your abusers’ behavior, the resources you have available to you, etc]. however, there are enough tips here that I hope at least one will be of use to one of you out there. please reblog and share if you can!
General/Other:
- Check “college life hack” blogs/channels/etc, specifically the ones about living on campus. Usually they’re all about saving money or doing things without roommates knowing, which can be extremely useful.
- Take advantage of any opportunities you might get. Your parents bought a bulk pack of granola bars? Take a few. You missed your bus and have to walk home? Stop by a store on the way to pick up food or essentials. You get the idea.
- This may sound obvious, but don’t provoke your abusers intentionally. This especially goes for all you avenger alters out there [you know who you are], but it goes for everyone else too. Don’t test your boundaries unless it’s absolutely necessary. If you know something’s gonna piss off your abusers, don’t do it. This isn’t to say them abusing you is your fault- nothing like that. But we’re trying to avoid being abused as much as possible. I know it’s tempting to do things to piss them off or get back at them, but for your safety and the safety of others, don’t do it.
Health/Hygiene:
- Stock up on any medication you might need. After you get out, you might not be able to afford medication for a while, so it’s important to have a supply on hand. Stashing meds can help with this. I recommend stashing one extra per night if you take a lot of the medication, and one every other night if you only take a little bit (ex: if you take four pills per night, take an extra one to stash every night, and if you only take two, then take one every other night). Just make sure you label their expiration dates, and if the expiration date gets close, then you should restock your stash.
- If at any point your parents threaten to take you off your medication and you know they’re serious about it, wean yourself off. Never quit any medication cold turkey unless you’re on a low enough dose. This especially goes for antidepressants and anticonvulsants. Search up the recommended amount per week to take off and follow that. It sucks, but it’s necessary. And if they don’t follow through, then you can build back up to your regular dose again.
- Maintain proper hygiene as well as you can. This is especially important if you will be put in danger if anyone suspects you’re in an unsafe household. This might mean having to take showers at school, buzzing your hair to avoid having to wash it, wearing beanies to hide grease or dandruff, washing your hair in the sink, taking sponge or washcloth baths, only brushing your teeth at school or every few days, hiding hygiene products in your locker or somewhere else (I recommend your gym locker, if you have one- easier to explain that you’re just cleaning up after gym class), or anything else you might need to do to keep yourself safe and healthy while also maintaining your cover. This can also help you in getting a job, if you’re able to get one.
- If you menstruate, ask around at school or work for sanitary products. I recommend before gym class or during lunch- those tend to be the best times. Tampons are more discreet, but can’t really be worn safely overnight, so make sure you have both tampons and pads. If you can, get a menstrual cup. They’re easy to clean (wash under hot water or boil them), last a long time, and are reusable.
- If you have no access to sanitary products, a sock or rags wrapped in several layers of toilet paper will work. For heavy flows, use two socks. You can use baking soda to get the blood out later.
- If you need toilet paper, steal from public bathrooms or porta potties.
- Check those “life hack” YouTube channels, subreddits, profiles, tumblr blogs, whatever. Sometimes they’ll have useful information. The porta potty tip actually came from a CinemaSins video, and the menstrual tips come from various beauty bloggers. I really recommend https://useful-adulting-shit.tumblr.com/ , they’re a fantastic resource. you can sometimes find gems on there.
Cleaning/Generally flying under the radar:
- If you need to throw something out and don’t want your abusers to see, throw it out in a neighbor’s trash can, preferably one that’s half-full, or on garbage pickup day. This worked wonders for us anytime we had to throw out food wrappers we had hidden in our room. If you can’t do that, throw it out as far away from your house as possible. If there’s no garbage can, you’re gonna have to litter. Say your apologies to the environment now and hope someone with a generous soul comes by later to clean it up. I had to throw out the packaging to a pack of pacifiers out in a Target parking lot after I bought some for our little and realized I had no way to dispose of the packaging before getting home. At the end of the day, your carbon footprint is literally not going to matter. Sometimes you might have to litter. Throwing one or two pieces of trash into the bushes is better than being beaten or yelled at for hours.
- Stuff towels in the cracks of your door to muffle noises.
- Lost and founds are a gift from god himself. Take full fucking advantage of them. You can get free clothing, shoes, or sometimes even water bottles if you’re lucky. It’s especially useful during the winter. We didn’t have to use ours as much (our body basically never grows, so we never grow out of our clothing), but they could be very useful. You can usually find lost and founds in schools, churches, and basically any work building. If you can help it, try not to take anything sentimental, but sometimes you might need to.
- Steam from the shower can work as a makeshift iron. If you’re able to, take a longer-than-usual shower and hang up your clothes somewhere in the bathroom. Make sure you close the door all the way [or at least most of the way] and leave them hanging while you take your shower. Is it perfect? No. Does it work? Yes.
- Baking soda can help remove stains from fabric or carpet, specifically blood stains, or just stains in general. You can also use regular dawn dish soap, or any kind of soap that you have on hand. Just make sure to keep the stained area wet until you’re able to get the stain out. This has worked to get so many paint and blood stains out of our carpet and clothes, I can’t tell you how many rounds of shouting we’ve avoided just by keeping the carpet wet and scrubbing it over and over with dawn dish soap.
Food/Food Storage/Dishes:
- Store non-perishable foods in various places, and constantly change your hiding spots. Cans are only useful if you have access to a can opener or if the cans don’t require one to open. Crackers and granola bars are riskier because of the noise and all the crumbs, but they can be bought in bulk, so if you can get away with it, buy them. There’s advantages to big containers and individually wrapped packages. If you buy bulk, it’s easier to hide the noise and they last longer, but they’re harder to move and hide. Individually wrapped packages might be harder to hide the evidence of and could be louder, but they’re easier to hide in various places. We recommend keeping bulk containers of things like peanut butter and applesauce, and having individual packages of things that could go stale, such as crackers or chips.
- Eat food under your blankets, and clean up any crumbs you make. Bugs are the worst.
- If you can, have your friends ship or give you food. Our friend ordered three packages of food to our house once, and our parents luckily didn’t really care- they only questioned us once and then shrugged it off. It’s a great way to have a sure supply of food.
- In a similar vein, take advantage of any and all free food you can get. Free samples. Free lunches or breakfasts, if your school offers them. Church breakfasts are another big one, as well as food pantries and food drives. Stop by a few churches every so often to see if they’re doing one. What we do is get our school’s free lunch every day, store what we can in our locker or our backpack, and eat the rest of it for lunch. Before they tracked our pin numbers, we’d first wear a sweatshirt with the hood up, then we’d take off our sweatshirt and go in again. We’d give the extra perishable food to our friends so it didn’t go to waste.
- As long as they don’t have eggs (or are pre-cooked), you can eat noodles raw. You don’t need to cook them. And you can buy most noodles in bulk as well. As long as you can hide the noise, they’re a very good source of food.
- If you need to wash any dishes, wash them in a bathroom, or use a wet rag if you don’t have access to one. If you can wash them in the bathroom, wash them while you’re taking a shower. If you need to sneak them downstairs, do it while everyone’s asleep, not home, or when you find an opportunity. For the damp rags, wet one with water and dish soap, and another with just water. Even just scrubbing away the grime a little bit is better than not washing them at all.
- If you can’t get away with washing dishes, try layering plastic wrap on top of plates or bowls. This means you can crumple up the dirty plastic wrap and throw it away right after. If you don’t have access to plastic wrap, a napkin, parchment paper, or any kind of paper will work as long as the food isn’t too greasy or wet.
- You can use an iron to cook some types of foods [like pizza and grilled cheese]. This might work better if your parents don’t tend to notice things, or if you don’t have access to a stove or oven.
- Similarly, you can use the hot water from your sink to heat up certain foods or liquids. Put it in a plastic container, set the faucet to the highest setting, and run the container under the tap until it’s heated. It’s a good way to heat up canned soups if you have access to them, and it’s less noisy than a microwave.
- If you have access to an electric kettle, you can use that to quickly and easily boil specific amounts of water. It’s relatively quiet- much quieter than a regular kettle or a microwave- and there’s no risk of it boiling over like there would be on a stove. You can use this to cook all kinds of soups, noodles, and pastas.
- You’d be surprised how many stores actually sell food. You don’t need to go to a grocery store or Walmart to get access to food- a pharmacy, Ikea, Christmas Tree Shop, ACMoore, the dollar store, 5Below, Goodwill, or basically anything that isn’t the bank or an expensive restaurant are good places to find food. We have a pharmacy that’s about a half hour walk from our house, and we usually go every few weeks to replenish our food supply. Shitty food is better than no food. Just make sure you don’t buy canned food or produce from the dollar store, and you’ll be good.
Money-Related:
- Steal whatever you can get away with. Literally anything. If it isn’t useful to you, there’s a chance you can sell it to make money. That’s what we did- we took money, food, sewing and medical supplies, toys, games, tools, anything we could get away with. We sold everything that wasn’t useful to us, and our parents never found out- they thought we were shipping packages to our friends. We made over $250 in one summer just from reselling things that our parents had in storage for years and never noticed went missing.
- Save every coin you get, no matter how small. They add up quickly, and you can exchange coins for paper money. If you steal money from your abusers, make sure it’s an unnoticeable amount, and only take a few coins at a time- we usually took a maximum of two coins per night from our mom’s purse, but some rates could be much higher or lower depending on how closely they watch their change. Don’t take quarters or paper dollars unless there’s a lot of them- they’re extremely noticeable.
- There’s a few other ways to get money as well. Check drains and streets/sidewalks and parking lots when you walk around outside. Fountains, especially at public gardens, are a really good place, just make sure there’s no workers or cameras watching you and you’re set. You can also check outside stores or stands for dropped change, though be careful because shops might not allow loiterers. You can also try just asking people for a couple cents- one thing that tends to work is to lie and say you just need five or six more cents to buy a sandwich/water bottle/whatever is relevant or comes to mind. It’s scummy, sure, but at the end of the day, you’re the one who needs to get out of your house as quickly as possible.
- Get a job if you can, even if it’s unconventional. If you can, go door to door and ask to walk dogs, mow lawns, weed gardens, wash cars, babysit, anything for an extra few bucks. Sell stuff on Instagram. If you can, get an actual job. This might not be an option for most of you, but if you can get one, you’re able to open up a ton of new opportunities for yourself.
- Use PayPal for all your online purchases. There’s a way you can go through PayPal and make it so your online purchases don’t show any specifics, only that you spent X amount of money through PayPal, which is of course super helpful when you have nosy parents.
- If you’re able to get a debit card, make sure you DO NOT USE IT TO BUY STUFF OFFLINE. It is very traceable. Your abusers will be able to see what you are purchasing. Instead, go to the bank or an ATM and withdraw cash. Cash is the only 100% non-traceable form of currency. If you’re old enough, try to get a credit card. They’re only traceable to whoever has access to your bank account.
=-=-=-=-=-= I’ll make a similar post soon about what to do if your friend/loved one is in an abusive household. Yes, a lot of these tips are very scummy and some involve being a less than decent member of society, but at the end of the day, you’re not the bad person in this situation. You’re doing what you need to do to survive. You’re in horrible, horrible circumstances that no person should ever have to be in. Sometimes you have to be a little scummy in order to survive and make it out in one piece.
We spent a lot of time on this post, I hope this helps at least one person. Thanks for reading <3
hey so protip if you have abusive parents and need to get around the house as quietly as possible, stay close to furniture and other heavy stuff because the floor is settled there and it’s less likely to creak
socks are quieter than bare feet on tile/wood and for the love of god don’t wear slippers/shoes if you can help it
climbing ON the furniture will disrupt the pattern of your footsteps and make it harder to hear where you are in the house
crawling will do the same and if you get caught crawling you can pretend you fell
the floor near the wall can be really loud if the floorboards/carpet is old and not completely flush to the wall
do NOT attempt to use a rolling chair to travel without footsteps. they are extremely loud and hard to steer
Also. Breath with your mouth and not your nose. Your nose will whistle. Trust me. If you need to get into your fridge, jab your finger into the rubber part that seals the door closed and create a tiny airway. This will prevent the suction noise when you open the door. When drinking liquids (juice mostly), pour out your glass (or chug from the jug) and replace what you drank with water. If it was full enough in the beginning, no one will notice. DO NOT STEAL ALCOHOL. THEY WILL NOTICE IF IT’S WATERED DOWN. Bring a pillowcase for dried foods like cereal and granola. It helps to muffle the sound it makes when it pours.
If your house has snack packs (like gummy bears or crackers or chips), count them every day until you know the rhythm that they get consumed. (This took me a week and a half with my twin brother and sister). Then join the rhythm when you make your nightly visits. It will be that much harder to figure out it was you.
KEEP A TRASH BAG UNDER YOUR BED FOR WRAPPERS AND STUFF BUT DONT FORGET TO THROW IT OUT WHENEVER YOU CAN. BUGS YKNOW. Hope this helped.
I might have some useful info to add.
-a jar of peanut butter is long lasting and easy to hide under a bed or in a dresser drawer. I lived off of jars of peanut butter and boxes of saltine crackers I would buy on grocery trips with my mom.
-two words: Slipper Socks. These are the socks that have rubber designs on the bottom for grip. They make no noise, and also keep you steady on slicker surfaces like tile and wood. You can find them cheap at Walmart. They also keep your feet more protected if you’re outside.
-if you’re secure enough in your room to have a small food stash, make sure you’re not too obvious about it (duh) but also move its location every few days. I kept mine in a shoebox under my bed, then switched it to a backpack in my closet, then wedged between my bookshelf and wall, and I would cycle locations until i moved it permanently to a false-bottomed drawer I installed in my dresser when my father was gone for a weekend. I would NEVER put food directly into my stash after taking it. I would keep it in pockets of my clothes and between books until everyone went to sleep, then I’d stock and stow my stash for the next few days.
-get a water bottle with a filter in it. I used to be able to reach my bathroom from my bedroom door down the hall using a huge step or minor jump/leap. If I was afraid of being caught at night, I’d fill up the humidifier tank we kept under our sink while I took a short shower, and would refill my water that way. It might not be the best option, but I kept a small stockade of water under my bed for emergencies.
-if you can, smuggle your garbage out in your backpack or purse. Dispose of it at work/school. I got caught twice by carelessly throwing away packaging.
-if someone knows the situation you’re going through (close friend/partner/etc) see if there’s a way for them to get food or other supplies to you at school or work or what private time you may get. A hidden first aid kit literally saved parts of my body before and I owe it to a close friend.
-try learning the building’s natural rhythm. The house I grew up in would creak and settle heavily every night for 3-5 minutes. That was my shot, and I had to be QUICK. I still got caught a few times, but learning the patterns in our floors and walls, when they creaked, WHERE they creaked, kept me going. Eventually I was sprinting in slipper socks to the kitchen and back in less than 90 seconds.
-if you have stairs, or live upstairs. Sit as you go down them one at a time, or climb up them like an animal. It keeps you low/out of lots of motion sight, and also can reduce noise and creaking by distributing weight over more than 1-2 steps.
-You can use common hand sanitizer to remove the stains certain snack foods leave behind (coughs cheeto fingers) and a dry toothbrush can help scrub the color off your tongue. If you can get powdered toothpaste or toothpaste tabs to keep on hand, it makes a huge difference in sneakiness.
-I don’t recommend going for dried foods like granola or cereal unless you can sneak it to a secure place to get it. It’s too loud, it’s a gamble every time for something with less caloric intake than it’s worth if you get caught. Of course, there are times when that’s the only option!!
-if you’re taking milk, add water, but be SURE to shake/agitate the bottle to distribute the dairy fat with the water. I got into the habit of shaking milk jugs when I started sneaking it, and explained the habit as something I read in an old comic strip my father showed me. (Back when whole milk had a lot more cream fats and they’d separate, so shaking it would redistribute the cream.) I still shake milk jugs to this day.
-if your windows open or don’t have screens, eat leaning out an open window. Any food mess will be lost in the dirt. I was lucky I had bushes and birds outside that would catch my granola bar crumbs before anyone could notice.
-canned goods are tempting, but not worth it. It requires too many tools (can opener/strained sometimes/utensils/some need heat) stick to thinks like various nut butters (sunflower/peanut/almond), crackers, dried fruit, and easy to conceal food bars (nature valley/nutrigrain/etc.) dried ramen packets are good uncooked if you can stand the texture. Apple sauce and pudding cups are also easier to sneak and stash than one might think, and can be eaten with your fingers. The only canned foods I recommend are condensed soups and precooked pasta (spaghetti-o’s). You can easily mix them with a little bit of hot water from the tap and get something more sustaining than a handful of captain Crunch. The cans are cheap, sometimes recyclable, and drinking soup takes way less time than chewing solid food.
-if you menstruate, attempt to stash pads/tampons in a safe location. Sometimes shit happens. Pads can work as bandages in emergency situations. Sometimes shark week comes unexpectedly. If you can sneak a roll of toilet paper or paper towels, these are also life savers.
-plastic utensils from takeout containers can be hidden inside socks and will be worth their weight in gold when you least expect it. I bought myself a tiny plastic bowl from the dollar store and kept cheap trinkets in it on my desk so it didn’t seem like a bowl I was eating out of. You could try this with something like a mason jar, which is also useful for drinking out of or storing water.
-if you’re eating a crunchy or solid food, try soaking it in water. Mushy food can be repulsive in texture, but I could clock the sound of someone eating a nature valley oat bar from like 6 miles away. Dunking it in water (or using a secret bowl+water) can reduce noise, and also eating time since you don’t have to chew as much.
-keep a laundry bar or tide pen on you. Laundry bars are super useful, a little hard to find though. I washed a lot of stains out of my clothes with laundry bars in my bathroom sink as a kid. Not proud if it, but it kept me flying under the radar at school.
-clear rubber bands, plain twine or string, paper clips, and thumb tacks. Indescribably useful. I once rigged a system to open tricky cabinets and get objects from inside using two paper clips and a foot of plain string like a mock lasso system.
-if you’re pulling objects from tall cabinets, use your chest or stomach to cushion them. Let them fall into your torso and then into your hands cradled underneath. Not as loud, not as much grabbing, if someone sees it they can mistake it for it falling on you by the body language.
-get a bandana. Or four. Napkins, bandages, tool, and accessory all in one.
-get a tiny sewing kit. I’m talking 3 needles and a spool of thread tiny. Scissors if you can sneak it. See things into your clothes. Make hidden pockets or compartments. Threadbanger on YouTube did a video a few years ago about sneaking things into music festivals using tiny clothing mods, but they may be useful in sneaking money or medicine.
-on the topic of sneaking money. don’t take bills, take change. If your abusers don’t meticulously count their nickels and pennies, they’re an easy(ish) way to build up a tiny savings pool. I found nickels the least noticed coin I took, even more than pennies, and taking two every few nights from where they’d be tossed on our countertop soon built up to a semi-reliable fund I passed off to someone to get me food for my stash without having to sneak it from the kitchen. As soon as I became “independent” in my food storage, I was subjected to much less scrutiny. I managed to build up a solid 1-2 week ration supply after hoarding change.
-you can tape SD cards to the inside of book dust covers(the part that folds inside the actual cover of the book), if you have a sewing kit or zipper on it inside the stuffing of your pillow (trim a corner, stuff it inside, stitch it closed) or (this is final resort) VERY CAREFULLY remove the covering from your outlet and tape it to the wall stud before replacing the casing. I kept mine inside part of my wooden bed frame that I hollowed out using, you guessed it, take out silverware knives and 4 nights without sleep.
-THE FLOOR IS LAVA WAS KEY TRAINING FOR ME AS A CHILD. I learned to take pillows with me, climb on furniture to disrupt my flow of movement, toss a pillow down, and use that to cushion any rattle our living room could give off as I crept to the kitchen from the side entrance so my mom’s dog wouldn’t bark or alert anyone. I highly suggest crawling around on all fours like some sort of beast to stay out of sight.
-can you run your house blindfolded?? If you can’t. Maybe you should try to learn. I suffered some heavy eye traumas growing up and had a collective 3-4 months just IN THE DARK. Eyes bandaged, left alone. It was terrible, but damn if I couldn’t navigate the whole place silently, without any visual cues. This helps a lot with the whole moving around in the dark thing, too. Listening is obviously key.
-if your parents start getting suspicious, or you’re suspicious they’re getting suspicious, watch out for traps. String on the ground that gets shifted when you walk on it. Baby powder or flour left to track footprints or doors opening/closing. My dad was partial to wrapping a bungee cord around my doorknob and attaching it to the closet across the hallway. I wouldn’t be able to open my door enough to get out, or if I did, I risked ruining the structural integrity of the wrappings he did, and he would notice.
-learn to tie some knots. Strong ones. They’ll come in handy at one point or another.
-remember that you’re not totally alone. There’s people out there for you. Wanting to make everything better. You don’t deserve what’s happening, it isn’t normal, and you will eventually find help. But staying safe is important, and you are important.
It upsets me that people might need to know these but I know it could really help someone by reblogging
ALWAYS REBLOG
Things that have helped me over the years:
•Keeping a $10 bill on the inside of my phone case for emergencies. My mother will search my wallet and bags but has not taken my phone case off when she takes my phone as of yet.
•stashing loose change I find in the soil of my potted plant. Very quiet hiding place for coins. All bills are quickly confiscated but coins I have managed to hold onto this way
•changing food stash locations constantly. A good stash I’ve found is buried in my mice seed mix. Small packages or granola bars can fit in there pretty easily and the wrappers are flushable (I know it’s bad to flush them but my trash is routinely searched)
• always deleting online traces in case of phone/computer search. This includes search history, forbidden apps, messages, pictures, notes, games, etc. I don’t know how many times I have deleted the tumblr app during the day only to re download it late at night to use it. My phone and computer are constantly confiscated and gone through with a fine tooth comb. I delete anything I might possibly get in trouble for after I use it and re download it when I need it again. Don’t delete all your browsing history though, they will notice if it’s suspiciously empty. Fill it with safe and approved stuff and remove anything you might get punished for.
•learning what each and every door in the house sounds like so I know who is where at all times without having to leave the room
•learning where those ‘sweet spots’ are in the house where you can notice anyone coming before they can see you or what you are doing
•always having a pre-approved cover. I use books and preaching videos as covers. I can hide a phone in a book or quickly switch apps to the one playing the video if surprised or discovered.
• always being aware of ‘the trail’. If I tell a friend something who tells their sibling who tells my sibling who tells my mom I get punished so basically tell no one and it won’t come back to bite you. This includes talking about tv shows/movies that are forbidden, forbidden foods/drinks, activities, apps, games, friends, political views, etc. Express an opinion and it’s bound to reach someone you don’t want it to.
•never take from your abuser’s personal stash of food or money. The family pantry is fair game to carefully pilfer from and so is loose change but never take from their personal purse/wallet, fridge, pantry, or stash. They WILL find out.
•beware of traps and manipulation . My mother will leave money and food unattended and wait for it to disappear. She will also act like she wants to do a good thing and help you out but in the end you will pay for it a hundred times over. Avoid this if at all possible.
• NEVER develop a false sense of security. I have made the mistake of not deleting an app (Pinterest) because there had been a few weeks between phone searches and I felt a little safer. I got caught and severely punished. ALWAYS COVER YOUR TRACKS. Don’t get too confident in your methods, eventually they will find something. Make sure it’s something minor.
I just want to point out that when deleting apps, make sure to check that the app store you use doesn’t record what was recently installed. I know that the Google Play Store does this and allows you to delete things from your history, but I don’t know anything about Apple.
Apple does, in the purchased section of an account, so don’t have a false sense of security for apple apps and always try to use websites with no cookies.
Apps for screeensharing to TVs (such as Samsungcast) also have search tools so if you clear your history you can also use that and make sure to clear it. Just don’t play a video or it might end up showing on the TV screen.
I feel so sad that so many of you guys go through this all the time. Rebooting to spread the word.
Stay safe my lovelies
So, so unfortunately important. Reblogging because I would’ve loved to have had seen this growing up - I figured most of it out on my own, of course, but through an amount of trial, error, and traumatic consequences no child should ever have to go through.
-if your bedroom door was anything like mine, there is a large enough gap from the floor to the bottom of the door that anytime I got out of bed or walked around the room, the door would jangle. Try putting a small but heavy object flush against the door.
-bring a large cup to pee in when it is not safe for you to leave your room or space. be sure to sneak it down a drain as soon as possible.
-other foods to stash away include trail mix, breakfast bars, fruits and veggies. a couple slices of bread and cheese aren’t as easily missed either.
-i have had luck taping paper money to the underside of our rug.
-be aware that you will likely carry the weight of this time with you for a long while. most of my nightmares still take place in my childhood home, where i haven’t lived in over five years.
-but above all else, this time won’t last forever. you will make it out. i’ve got faith in you.
Hey@mrsmamarhodey idk if you’ve seen this but it’s good advice? I hate that anyone would have to go through this but I feel it may help Honey? ~ Foxy
Bee I will protect you with everything. ~ A
For all of my kids in unsafe home situations. I love you, be safe.
Also, for those of you in situations where you are not believed: as tempting as it is do NOT try and prove it with your phone. Especially if they search it. Please, please don’t do that. Find another way if you absolutely must prove the mistreatment.
-Avoid plastic and paper. They russle a lot, especially when you’re trying to be quiet. As stated above pillowcases are a godsend.
-If you can access the kitchen during the day (and not get caught doing this) move things you might need, granola on the shelf you can only just barely reach? Pull one bar out and slip it to the lowest shelf in the whole kitchen. Put it somewhere no one will check.
-The bottom of a trash can is NOT a good hiding spot. Tempting I know. I’ve hidden a secret stash under a trash bag. Played it off a few times as being a good kid and taking out the trash. But you would have to be the one to always take it out if you did this. Always. You can’t rely on ‘probablies’.
-Self aid. Go to your school nurse and ask for Band-Aids. School computer lab have alcohol pads so you can clean off the mouse? Take some. They will hurt and burn but a clean wound is so much better than an infected one.
-For those of you with allergies to the Staples (peanut butter, bread, cheese, the like) Beans are your new best friend. They suck but hey, they work.
-AVOID SWEETS. This sucks I know. But sweets leave more behind than a chocolate colored tongue, including a sweetened breath (I got busted so badly once even after scrubbing my tongue.)
And finally,
-Find people you can talk to. My messages are always open, @mrsmamarhodey is here for people as well, and many other blogs will listen. Even if there is nothing else we can do. We will listen. We will believe you. We will be there for you in what ways we can. Please, be safe. Stay alive.
I can’t believe that there are actually kids who are forced to live like this. It makes me so upset. I am now very concerned about the people on this site. Please, all of you, stay safe.
there are things in the list that i personally also have to do, some i don’t have to, and tips i could definitely take for the unknown future. anyways, reblogging this in hopes that it could offer a chance for some of you to stay at least a bit safer. remember, we’re all fighting this together
oh, god.
I know it’s the log-off protest but just before I left the app I saw this.
This was a pretty helpful post, but i do hope none of my followers need this..
can i adopt you guys???? nobody should have to go through this, and it breaks my heart :/
just know that it WILL get better. maybe not now, maybe not for years to come but this will not last forever. ily ♥
I always kept a plastic container with a lid to catch blood or any other fluid when it wasn’t safe to go to the bathroom to properly wash up. I hid it in an old backpack in the closet and cleaned it whenever the coast was clear
Most obvious hiding places are in the closet, under the bed, in the bottom of drawers and under rugs.
You can tape small items such as a metro card, prepaid phone, plastic bag of money, birth control or other medications, etc under a desk or even better: open the top drawer of your dresser and tape the item to the bottom of the dresser top. Make sure you can open and close it securely without jarring the item free.
You can also hide bills in an old DVD case if you are 100% SURE no one will open it.
If you can get your hands on some good concealer, use it to hide scars and bruises. Abusers will try to isolate you even more if you are a walking display of evidence. Don’t give them any excuse to not let you go to school.
On this same note, avoid making drastic changes to your appearance (dramatic change to hair cut/dye, tattoos or piercings or wearing any makeup/accessory/clothing that might be deemed “different” for you) Your abuser may perceive this as you acting out or seeking attention, and they do not want you to receive any kind of attention as it may give you an outlet to expose what is happening at home.
Don’t write things in codes that are obviously codes. Your abuser will not like this if they find it and you will be punished or forced to reveal the code but most likely both. If you can, make a code that would look like something else if found by someone. For example: If hiding say, your email password so you won’t forget, make a list of things beginning with each letter of the password. Draw pictures of your passwords. (Ex. Draw 4 red dogs, your password is RedDog4.)
Evernote is a great way to hide a digital diary/notebook/photos/contacts that you can delete from your device quickly before a phone search. If you fear you wont have time to delete before a search there is an option to hide your private notebooks so that you can only find them by searching their name and load up some class notes so if your abuser asks about the app you can say it’s for school.
This is a bit expensive but if you can manage it use an external hardrive for anything on your computer your abuser wouldn’t approve of, from photos and videos to games to creative and programming software, etc.
I had a friend whose dad didn’t let her talk to boys at all period so if she ever had a group project and the boys would try to text her she assigned them all feminine names in her contact list (Ex Louis became Louise etc) so she could still save their number.
Thank you so much for this.
This doesn’t really match my blog theme but it doesn’t matter. I have some things to add:
To walk completely silently, even barefoot, start on the outside of your foot and roll off your big toe. This takes practice though. Your bare feet will also be quieter if you have calluses on them, so you want to walk barefoot as much as possible.
One thing I did was getting well acquainted with the woods. If I needed to avoid people and couldn’t hide in my room, (the door doesn’t have a lock and the consequences would be SO BAD if I blocked it with something), I grab my bag, and try to avoid them + walk silently as I walked outside and hid deep in the woods where they couldn’t find me.
Never bring your phone (or any electronics) if you choose to escape to a friend’s house/the woods/etc. You don’t know what apps they hid on there, which could track your location.
When in the woods, I would bury my trash so if a family member decides to explore the woods one day/was actively trying to find where I kept hiding, they wouldn’t find traces.
About that bag I mentioned. I risked getting caught for this. I have it in my closet with the other bags so it wasn’t suspicious, but if I got the feeling they were suspicious about me, I hid all the stuff in the bag in different places temporarily. In the bag I keep a bottle of 90% isopropyl alcohol (disinfectant) that my aunt gave me as a joke, a small sewing kit (needle, string, scissors) that I stole the components of from my mom’s room, a knife that I also stole from my mom, and some granola bars.
You can hide things in boxes that appear to be sealed on your shelves. Choose a side, use the corner of your nail, or a small knife if you have one, to slit 3 edges of the plasic on the box on your chosen side. Carefully side the box open so as to not tear the plastic. If there is space, hide your item(s) in the space. If not, take some of the contents out and hide them elsewhere* until you can dispose of them where they won’t find them. Arrange the flap of plastic so it lines up properly (if box is cardboard or similar you can lick the edge of the plastic and place it down, it will stick moderately well and the fact it isn’t in tact will be less noticeable) and put box on shelf so that the cut side is against the back. (I have many time in the past taken a “sealed” box of playing cards and take the right amount of cards out so that after putting whatever I want in, it would weigh the same as a normal box of playing cards. This way if they pulled things off the self, unless they examined the playing card box carefully, it was unlikely that they would notice)
*if you have a coat/jacket with a liner, you can put holes in your pockets and stitch the liner to the jacket at the bottom so things you put in there will be at the bottom and it will seem like your pockets are empty. Don’t put anything bulky or potentially loud in, or your trick will be exposed immediately. Works great for papers though, and it’s one of the only ways to transport plastic wrappers without being loud. Not coins though.
Learn how to remove the screen from your window
Any social media or other restricted thing or anything they could use to stalk me if they found out I had it I use web for, my accounts are under different fake names with different email address I created with different fake names just for them, and my passwords are all long, secure, and MEMORIZED. And I delete my search history of any of those particular things.
I know how to give myself stitches. This has come in handy.
Leather = low grade armor. Wear it whenever you can. Then you can take a punch without it being quite so bad.
There’s a gate at the bottom of the stairs at my house that not only creaks, but the latch is LOUD. I climbed over the railing near the bottom instead, and then walked down the outsides of the last couple of steps.
How to climb over a railing silently: put hands on railing, swing one leg over so you’re sitting as if on a horse, and then carefully slide your already over leg down so it is touching the outside of the step and at the same time you swing your other leg over and carefully place that foot down.
If you close a door while holding the handle turned, like how you would if you were opening it, and use your other hand to guide it so it doesn’t hit the door frame, instead lining it up exactly where the latch needs to go, and then slowly rotate the handle back, it is near silent.
A fluffy sock jammed in the bottom handle-side corner of the door can keep the door from making noise as you walk around your room at night.
Hide things inside your pillows. Not just your pillow cases, but the pillows themselves. A lot of them have zippers where you can access the fluff, and you can hide things in the fluff. Stuffed animals sometimes have this too.
Semi-sheer, loose layers will be a lot less hellish and a lot less suspicious in warm weather but can still hide most older cuts/scars that are starting to become less garishly red.
If you close your eyes for 30 seconds before trying to navigate the dark your eyes will adjust and you will be able to see much better.
To anyone who needs any of the advice above or in similar posts: Good luck, stay safe, and remember that one day this will be over and you will be safe. I know it’s tough but keep going. If you ever need to talk, I’m here.
I absolutely wept when I read this. I remember being a kid and living at home, having to do most of these things to keep myself safe and alive. I’m so sorry that their are so many of you who are going through this. If this is something you’re going through and you just want someone to talk to about it all my inbox is always open. From one survivor to another.
I am so, so sorry.
i know ive reblogged this countless times, but this has some really important additions, please stay safe guys <3
I know this is not ToG related, but, if this can help …
learn to sew,if you can do it well you can open up stuffed animals and fill them with whatever as long as it’s small and not likley to be notice
if you never turn a fan on you can tape ska stuff to the top of it, idk if it will hold if the fan turns on
if you have a trusted friend have them store stuff in their locker/get a lock and put it on an unused locker that way even if they know your locker they can’t get to your stuff
for those who need it
I would hope no one needs to use this but I know there are people that do this for you guys
We got you
Seriously
We’re here for you
Everyone is
For everyone who needs this
Stay safe please
i don’t remember seeing this on the list but during the day i go up and down the stairs and through the house to memorize all the creaky spots so i can avoid them at night
Thank you darling, I plan on using these tips for my.own hell hole of a house
This is horrible that people have to deal with and also I have a small tip: if your house has a radiator/heater (like mine), time how long it goes on and then when it turns on, RUN and get what you need. I love you all and stay safe!
Sorry for the long ass post but as a child who deals with this, I’ve got a few things to add.
-KEEP SOMETHING MINOR THAT YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE. This may seem counterintuitive, but that way if your parents say you’re acting suspicious, you can turn their attention away from something bigger. Additionally, if they catch you nd you have to lie, DON’T go for the classic “I don’t know anything” or “I didn’t do that.” Take the situation and make it a little bit bad but not too much. Example: I had kept scissors in my room for sewing, which I wasn’t supposed to have. So what I did was I said that I had gotten a ponytail holder stuck in my hair and had to cut it out, but that I was scared they would get mad so I hid them.
-As for money, I took a pad out of the wrapper and threw it out, and then used the wrapper to hold money and taped it shut. I kept that in my bag, as if it were a pad for emergencies, and they never suspected.
-If you’re sneaking into the kitchen, fill up a glass with water and stand there for a few minutes drinking it until you’re sure no one is coming to check on you. That way if they do catch you, you can say you were getting a drink of water.
Sjdvkhfufk this was super helpful thank you to everyone who added to this
if u have a vent on ur wall near the ceiling, u can clean the dust away n store things there
always have an escape route mapped out
always have an escape bag, just in case. mine has an extra phone charger, my wallet, a sewing kit, a re-usable water bottle, extra underwear, toilet paper, headphones, a grocery bag, and a small blanket
if u can, try to get a pair of boots that are good for navigating wooded areas
study foraging. u never know how useful info about toxic and non-toxic plants can be
stay safe out there, babes. hope none of u ever have to use these tips
It hurts to know so many of us have had to use info like this just to survive. I’m by o means a popular blog, but I hope anybody who see’s this will either gain some merit from it or repost it for others to see. It sucks living like this, and it follows you well into your life, but sometimes that’s the reality.
Stay safe everyone. You can do this.
I don’t know WHO needs this right now, but I’m going to reblog this anyway.
Idc that it’s not SdV related.
Hate that this is stuff that people need to know, but it’s important that the people who need this information have it.
Idk if this will work for other people but sometimes I’m able to wrap a blanket around myself and hide stuff under it if my parents are in the way. I use it a lot to sneak food and water upstairs and I can just pass it off as being cold. I’m an absolute freeze baby so they’re not suspicious. Just be sure to make the blanket a semi-common thing, not just when you’re sneaking stuff around.
Oh and you can put things like crackers, pretzels, and cereal in clean socks (or just a small bag if you have one) if you can’t take the whole container. Just make sure to switch the socks around every now and then because crumbs are a bitch.
You can also hide food in bras if you wear them. Mostly granola bars for me. If it sticks out then try wearing baggy clothing over it.
please stay safe, everyone
Pads are the #1 hiding spot for money. You can open it just a little bit, shove money between the folds of the pad, and stick it back in the box
I literally started crying when I was reading this. My heart literally aches to hear that people are actually forced to live a life like this, are expected to act like nothing is wrong, deal with trauma, physical/emotional ab*se, and then have to go through all of it over and over again, and then are forced to go to school, act like everything is okay, then gets yelled at by a teacher, is expected to do so much, and even get a good education and try to communicate with others (safely)? This is so painful. The fact that we even need to write down how to sneak food alone is one of themost painful things that I’ve had to read, i am so so sorry that you’re going through this.
If you guys ever need help, please don’t be afraid to reach out. If this wasn’t reblogged, I never would have seen this, so PLEASE REBLOG so that other people can receive help, stay safe.
You guys are so unbelievably strong.
I know this post probably feels never ending and I’m sorry for adding onto it but my situation was with an emotionally and mentally unstable abuser who could go from screaming and threatening to beat me for ruining her marriage to crying to me about her struggles and her pain. It was hard to feel sympathetic to someone who would hurt me so often and so badly, but standing numb got me called a demon and a heartless monster.
Learn how to act sad, scared, sympathetic, etc. If you show no reaction they can and will do more to get a reaction out of you, but if you show their actions are “working” then they’ll be satisfied. Another thing that while at first is kinda risky, if you need to take a second to hide anything when they call your name, sit for a few seconds (about thirty) then go. That way it’s less suspicions when you gotta take a bit to quickly hide something.
Towels, while they seem useful, can be horrible. They’re hard to wash and the rough texture can agitate wounds on those with sensitive skin. Toilet paper soaks up and rips easily so paper towels were my answer. That might not be universal, but no one would notice if a few more sheets of paper towels went missing.
Hey, so I have some things to say:
These tips will and can save your life in shit life situations, but know that the habits won’t suddenly leave once you are out.
You will walk quieter, you will be aware of things that maybe others perceive as abnormal, and you will have developed LIFE SAVING habits that may not mesh with the world outside what could be consider your hell.
That is okay. Breathe. You learned them, and you can unlearn them, and you will and can manage. You surviving is the important part.
The truth is, You weren’t the first person, and you won’t be the last, that developed trauma survival techniques, there are people and resources that can and will help you once it is safe for you to reach out.
If you need to throw something out and can’t take it with you outside of the house, try to hide in in the middle of the trash bag, not at the bottom.
Kleenex packages are a good place to hide bills, in between the tissues (just make sure that it’s not visible from the sides or the top), and you can take it with you anywhere by claiming you feel a cold coming on.
If your abusers give you money to buy something and don’t go with you, you can lie and say it was just a tiny bit more expensive than it really was. Do this a couple of times and you can start building some savings, and it can be quicker than stealing pennies. Just make sure it’s not a product they regularly buy or a store they usually go to, so they won’t know the price anyway.
Whenever possible, take stuff that comes in cans or boxes or noisy wrappers out of that container and store it somewhere else, like a smaller bottle or bag.
This may not apply to everyone, but be careful of what information you give your abusers. Even stuff that seems meaningless can be used against you later.
If you have a bookcase, you can hide stuff behind the books
Gum has been a lifesaver for me. First, it cheats your mind into thinking you’re less hungry than you actually are. Two, if you were eating something that you weren’t supposed to and don’t have time to brush your teeth, it helps mask the smell.
Hider Apps. These are apps that you can install that hide anything you want on your phone, such as other apps, pictures, etc. It shows up as a calculator, so it’s pretty inconspicuous to anyone searching your phone. It has a password, so what you have to do to access it is tap the right numbers on the calculator and then it lets you access the hidden stuff. The one I know only works for Android, but maybe there are some options for iPhone too.
If you live in a building, look around to see if there are any spots you can hide something there outside of your apartment - it might not work permanently, but if your abusers are doing a sweep of the house, it can be an option.
Anything you steal from them, do it in very small instalments. Like, say you want to build yourself a sowing kit, steal one item at a time over some time so it’s harder for them to notice. Similarly, with food, it’s better to get just a tiny bit of each thing in your pantry you can access than to take a slightly bigger quantity of only one thing.
If you’re worried they’re searching your room when you’re not in the house, you can put something in front of the door that’ll be moved if they open it. Use something like an eraser, so if they see it, you can always just say you dropped it.
Also, if they are searching your room, it may be better to take the most important stuff with you when you leave or ask someone you trust to gard it for you.
The sound of the shower running can help drown out other sounds like from opening a food wrapper or of chewing.
If they ever come in when you’re doing something you’re not supposed to/have something forbidden laying around, *act normal*. If you do so, they may not even notice the thing. Serioursly, whatever you do don’t scramble to hide it.
When keeping a stash of food, be careful with stuff that might go bad.
Food supplements. I used to keep one that was a powder, so it dissolved in water, but there are other types too. These can give you the calories and nutrients of a meal, while also being easy to store.
If you can snatch stuff that they were going to throw away, it can be useful to you - I’m thinking old clothes that can be used as cleaning rags or old pillow cases that become containers, etc.
And this has been said before, but I cannot stress it enough: do not let your guard down. It sounds awful and that’s absolutely no way to live, but I can’t tell you how many times I got screwed because things were better for a little while and I stopped taking as many precautions.
Typically, i don’t make posts like these on this account, but the topic felt appropriate.
The creators of the Netflix series “13 Reasons Why” have absolutely no excuse for their graphic portrayal of the events that took place on the show. In this post I’m going to plainly break down some gruesome scenes from this show and another, so if you’re triggered by r*pe, sui*ide, ab*se, child ab*se, self h*rm, h*mophobia and intense bullying, please don’t go further. If you still want to see the point of the post, scroll down and find the divider I’m putting below this section of text (im on mobile and can’t put a cut)
That said, 13 Reasons Why is a show about the sui*ide of a high school student, and the boy who fell in love with her. Romantic, right? I have a lot of personal feelings about this production, but I’ll remain as unbiased and neutral as possible. I’m not here to bash anyone’s hard work or comfort content, I only want to make a point.
During the production of the first season of this show, producers were told by sui*ide and mental health professionals to not show the sui*ide on screen. That’s entirely fair, as a show about sui*ide would attract victims of sui*ide and seeing it could cause panic attacks, relapse, etc etc etc. They did it anyway, having the main character found in her bathtub with her wrists [redacted].
And then they went further in season 2. I don’t know the exact nature of the situation, as i only watched this one scene, but… A male student was in the bathroom at school, and some jocks came in. The lone kid was apologizing to them, saying he didn’t mean to do what he did and that he was getting help. The jocks weren’t listening, and they accused him of ruining whatever sports season they were hung up on. The ringleader slammed the lone boy’s head against a mirror and then the sink below it, if i remember correctly. Then, they dragged him to a toilet and drowned him in it. Worst of all, they pulled his pants down and penetrated him with the handle of a mop, all while calling him h*mophobic slurs. And all of this was shown on screen.
A show that deeply explores mental illnesses and societal flaws shouldn’t go so far, as victims and the mentally ill view these things and are affected by them. I had just taken my anxiety medication before watching the final scene i described and i was still shaking by the end of it, i felt like i was gonna puke. It was horrific.
Most people argue that the producers did it so we’d feel the full gravity of the situation. The point of this post is to counter that.
I recently have been watching another Netflix show that is rising in popularity, The Umbrella Academy.
I’ll try to keep this unbiased as well, but I haven’t seen such well presented in depth coverage of the mental illness of fictional characters in a long time. The characters are written beautifully, and their mental issues all make sense and their traumas are depicted in a way that heavily impacts the viewer without scaring them. The best example of this is with a character known as both Harold Jenkins and Leonard Peabody. There is a mild description of child ab*se below, so proceed with caution.
The guy’s mother died immediately following his birth. His dad turned to alcohol and you can assume what happened from there. He was physically and emotionally ab*sive to his son, Harold. But the ab*se was never explicitly shown. In two scenes, Harold was smacked in the face by his father. In the first, the frame froze as he drew his hand back. In the second, we merely hear the collision of the man’s hand coming into contact with his son’s face, and then we see the boy laying on the floor.
As a child abuse victim, it did startle me. I felt the full weight of what that boy went through. But i didn’t feel scared. I didn’t get anxious or panicked. I just felt sorry for the kid. And then felt less sorry later when he m*rdered his father with a hammer, which was also not explicitly depicted, but still hit me hard.
My point being, you can enjoy 13 Reasons Why. You can support it. But it does real harm to people that could have *very* easily been avoided, especially being a show that dives into such real, home hitting topics. And there isn’t any excuse for that whatsoever.
A lot of neurodivergent kids: *have some kind of sensory processing issue/sensory overload disorder that can make certain thing painful and especially loud, sharp noises*
Far too many adults: *start yelling and name-calling as an immediate go-to when kid happens to do something they don’t want*
ND Kid: *has a meltdown and/or their ability to think is severely impacted, so they may perform even worse at tasks than before they were yelled at*
Adults: *surprised pikachu face before yelling even louder*
Years later I had to learn in therapy that this is exactly why I kept doing horribly in middle school.
Whenever the topic of noise-related sensory overload comes up I’m surprised I never hear yelling being brought up in most (if any) discussions I’ve ever been in about it. Cause I feel like this should really be more obvious.
If yelling at a kid makes them perform worse, this might be what’s happening and you should not continue yelling at them. It’s not rocket science.
So thanksgiving is on its way… don’t misunderstand, I love the holiday. The food, the friends, but not the family. Or rather I just don’t want Her there.
My fucking god! Maybe if I wasn’t taught that I didn’t have rights over who touched my body then maybe it wouldn’t have been so easy for me to be molested in the first place!!!! So fucking over this shit!
