My psychologist identified me as leaning INFJ about 20 years ago but I didn’t give it much thought then. I’ve been a “woke” INFJ for ten years as a result of rediscovering the MBTI concept during a difficult time. I wish I hadn’t waited so long as the insights I’ve gained about my own personality and those close to me would have saved a lot of heartache and anguish
Here’s what I’ve learned about myself through the years that I’m reasonably sure apply to many other INFJs too:
You have unique insights. They are real. The unusual internal wiring that makes you an INFJ lets you connect the dots easier. And you see more dots. Some people don’t see any dots or recognize patterns and are more than happy to point out the “error” of your observations. So be it. You’re job is to figure out what “feels” right and should be pursued, what can be put on the back burner awaiting more information, and what can be dumped because after thinking about it you realize your conclusions were probably wrong. It happens.
You will be lonely. INFJs can be unconventional because we act on information most others don’t have. We usually have a broad range of knowledge and can come across as “know-it-alls.” We can sometimes alarm people with our passion. We can start feeling down because we don’t understand how people can be so cruel to one another. Or so stupid. Our faith in humanity can swing wildly from hour to hour. We can do the crowd thing for awhile and need to leave. We usually hate small talk on the phone and are often the worst party planners in the world.
We drive ourselves and others mad to “get things right” and to give a damn about something besides the most trivial things in life. We are usually disappointed—in others and ourselves. It’s not that people don’t like being around us, it’s that we usually think people don’t WANT to be around us. So we hunker down and keep to ourselves.
That’s what can make relationships difficult sometimes. You will need to tap into the best part of being an INFJ—helping people—to keep you from being lonely. I volunteer at a homeless center. I’m active in the US Coast Guard Auxiliary. I write answers on Quora!
You will be able to do a lot of stuff. Some of it well. Most people will be surprised. Most INFJs I know are curious, versatile people. For example, I’ve written two novels, one has been self-published. I play jazz piano and can also play the tuba. I’m conversational in Spanish and know some Swedish. I can hold up my end of a conversation ranging from cosmology to dog grooming. I can talk Southern Country Gospel with a homeless man and discuss the latest power adders for high performance race cars with the editor of a national racing magazine. I did both last week. I sail the Great Lakes in my own boat. I like to cook. I have restored or built six houses. I can plumb bathrooms from scratch, do basic electrical work and restore old wood moulding. I have a four-year certificate in theology. I can paint and draw.
At this point you probably think I’m quite the braggart. That’s not why I’m listing these abilities. The reason is that I can do NONE of these things proficiently. Except sailing–I’m a very good sailor! I suspect that most INFJs who have been around for several decades can make a similar list. Our curiosity and drive to know how something works can lead us to some amazing discoveries and bring us into contact with some fascinating people. Freeing yourself to explore and to try new things without having the burden of having to perform in public or to even be terribly proficient at any of them can lead us to a very interesting life!
You will second guess yourself. Constantly. You are your own worst critic. If you’ve ever had second thoughts about how you came across after submitting a report or talking to someone about something important, remember:
Your second guesses are usually wrong. Trust your intuition!
You may struggle in relationships. INFJs are not easy people to be around sometimes. We can be quirky, sometimes anti-social and have a tendency to tell folks how to build a clock when they ask for the time. We can fret constantly about the state of humanity, when our partner just wants to have a hamburger and talk about movies. The saving grace is that we love hard! When we’ve found someone we can be ourselves with, someone who accepts us, if not understands us, we’re there for the long-haul. The people in your life who get that will adore you!
Finally, strive to know yourself better. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Don’t forget to have fun. Don’t worry so much about what other people may be thinking about you—chances are they aren’t thinking anything! And above all, be kind to yourself!
INTJ apologizing after an argument:I’m sorry that me being right offended you.
INTJ apologizing for being late: I am so sorry, it’s completely my fault. I didn’t account for traffic and then I woke up late because I was an idiot and- *continues for five minutes*
Normal person finding out they have a crush on someone and telling their friends: Dude they’re so cute!! Ugh, I hope they like me back.
INTJ finding out they have a crush and telling their friends: I have a problem. I really hope I don’t have to see them very regularly because this would seriously complicate things.
Your asks were closed! What do you think about when you don’t have anything else to think about?
Well that explains a lot. I have no idea how that happened, but it’s fixed now.
Um… Hm… I don’t know. It depends on the day, to be honest, but usually I’m thinking about the future. Things that might happen, scenarios I wish would happen, problems that may come up and how to solve them. Things like that.
Ask me anything (that doesn’t jeopardize my physical security), and I shall answer. You now have free reign to get an INTJ to talk about their feelings, and I pledge to give actual, thought out, not sarcastic responses.
INTJ: I am darkness. I am the night. The compassion I once possessed has shriveled away into nothingness, along with what used to be my cold, black heart.
ENFP: Yesterday you picked up three shopping carts in the parking lot and put them away. They weren’t even yours. They weren’t even near your car.
To the people who have reposted my posts on Instagram:
I see them, and nothing inflates my ego more. I legit squealed for the first time in years because “OH MY GOD ENTP LOOK SOMEONE POSTED MY THING ON INSTAGRAM FLhogowowkLBOAPAKGL!!!!”
So uh… Yeah. Thanks for making my day. You’re awesome. You made this INTJ very happy.
The INTJ: Sherlock level deducting skills. Knows five of your deepest held secrets within ten minutes of conversation (though most of that information gets deleted unless they find it particularly useful). Has a plan to take over the world, and follow up plans for if that plan doesn’t work.
Also the INTJ: Spends thirty minutes looking for phone. The phone that is in their back pocket.
INTJ: You know, maybe if I open up to someone, it won’t be so bad. Getting someone else’s insight on my emotions might be helpful, and possibly healthy. I’m going to go vent about the current inner turmoil I’m experiencing.
*Later, when INTJ has finished writing an essay on what’s going on in their head*
INTJ: And so that’s why I think I’m feeling this way.
INxJ: Heart of a dreamer, mind of the deepest cynic.
Something I’ve noticed about an INFJ friend and I is that we both love to dream about the future. Bright, hopeful futures, filled with love and happiness, and all the things we want in life. We like to talk about these futures too. However, the conversation almost always ends with a depressing “Yeah like that’s ever gonna happen,” because while we want these futures with every fiber of our soul, our mind knows all to well how impossible our dreams are.
That, I think, is one reason why INTJs and INFJs are generally so depressed or prone towards depression. These dueling mentalities are not kind to each other, nor are they kind to the INxJ. It is a cruel tug of war between heart and mind every. single. day.
Our heart yearns for an impossible future, a place where our dreams come true (sometimes the dream itself isn’t beyond reason, but circumstances prevent it from occurring), and we’re content. At the same time, our mind screams that it is never going to happen and we should just settle down and get used to whatever hand in life we’ve been dealt, because the likelihood of it changing is minimal.
It goes on every day, and it is difficult to deal with.
