Ironically, we INFJs can feel like we’re made to understand others, yet others don’t understand us.

INFJs: what advice can you give a younger INFJ?

My psychologist identified me as leaning INFJ about 20 years ago but I didn’t give it much thought then. I’ve been a “woke” INFJ for ten years as a result of rediscovering the MBTI concept during a difficult time. I wish I hadn’t waited so long as the insights I’ve gained about my own personality and those close to me would have saved a lot of heartache and anguish

Here’s what I’ve learned about myself through the years that I’m reasonably sure apply to many other INFJs too:

You have unique insights. They are real. The unusual internal wiring that makes you an INFJ lets you connect the dots easier. And you see more dots. Some people don’t see any dots or recognize patterns and are more than happy to point out the “error” of your observations. So be it. You’re job is to figure out what “feels” right and should be pursued, what can be put on the back burner awaiting more information, and what can be dumped because after thinking about it you realize your conclusions were probably wrong. It happens.

You will be lonely. INFJs can be unconventional because we act on information most others don’t have. We usually have a broad range of knowledge and can come across as “know-it-alls.” We can sometimes alarm people with our passion. We can start feeling down because we don’t understand how people can be so cruel to one another. Or so stupid. Our faith in humanity can swing wildly from hour to hour. We can do the crowd thing for awhile and need to leave. We usually hate small talk on the phone and are often the worst party planners in the world.

We drive ourselves and others mad to “get things right” and to give a damn about something besides the most trivial things in life. We are usually disappointed—in others and ourselves. It’s not that people don’t like being around us, it’s that we usually think people don’t WANT to be around us. So we hunker down and keep to ourselves.

That’s what can make relationships difficult sometimes. You will need to tap into the best part of being an INFJ—helping people—to keep you from being lonely. I volunteer at a homeless center. I’m active in the US Coast Guard Auxiliary. I write answers on Quora!

You will be able to do a lot of stuff. Some of it well. Most people will be surprised. Most INFJs I know are curious, versatile people. For example, I’ve written two novels, one has been self-published. I play jazz piano and can also play the tuba. I’m conversational in Spanish and know some Swedish. I can hold up my end of a conversation ranging from cosmology to dog grooming. I can talk Southern Country Gospel with a homeless man and discuss the latest power adders for high performance race cars with the editor of a national racing magazine. I did both last week. I sail the Great Lakes in my own boat. I like to cook. I have restored or built six houses. I can plumb bathrooms from scratch, do basic electrical work and restore old wood moulding. I have a four-year certificate in theology. I can paint and draw.

At this point you probably think I’m quite the braggart. That’s not why I’m listing these abilities. The reason is that I can do NONE of these things proficiently. Except sailing–I’m a very good sailor! I suspect that most INFJs who have been around for several decades can make a similar list. Our curiosity and drive to know how something works can lead us to some amazing discoveries and bring us into contact with some fascinating people. Freeing yourself to explore and to try new things without having the burden of having to perform in public or to even be terribly proficient at any of them can lead us to a very interesting life!

You will second guess yourself. Constantly. You are your own worst critic. If you’ve ever had second thoughts about how you came across after submitting a report or talking to someone about something important, remember:

Your second guesses are usually wrong. Trust your intuition!

You may struggle in relationships. INFJs are not easy people to be around sometimes. We can be quirky, sometimes anti-social and have a tendency to tell folks how to build a clock when they ask for the time. We can fret constantly about the state of humanity, when our partner just wants to have a hamburger and talk about movies. The saving grace is that we love hard! When we’ve found someone we can be ourselves with, someone who accepts us, if not understands us, we’re there for the long-haul. The people in your life who get that will adore you!

Finally, strive to know yourself better. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Don’t forget to have fun. Don’t worry so much about what other people may be thinking about you—chances are they aren’t thinking anything! And above all, be kind to yourself!

INFJ vs INFP

Similarities:

Both are private. Both are idealists. Both can be perfectionists. Both are insightful, analytical, logical, and meticulous. And both are intuitives, preferring the abstract over black and white.

The biggest difference?

INFP is highly in tune with their own feelings 

INFJ is usually oblivious to theirs

INFP’s dominant function is Fi (their own feelings), but INFJ doesn’t even have Fi in their stack. (Same for ISFJ.) Instead, their “F” is extroverted (Fe) — which is other people.

INFP has ever-expanding ideas …inspired by feelings 

INFJ has ever-narrowing “insights” … about people

it’s the INFP who speaks fluent “ideas and dreams”

INFP is inspiration, with insight

INFJ is insight, with inspiration

At their worst:

INFP replays the past to relive emotions, and is sensitive (not critical)

INFJ gets lost in “white noise” / “nothingness,” and is critical (not sensitive)

When desperate:

INFP obliterates their creativity with convention (ending up soul-crushed)

INFJ obliterates their thinking with hedonistic indulgences (ending up ill)

Their insecurity / fear (or: the biggest insult):

INFP — “you’re not special,” “you’re too sensitive/naïve/spaced out”

INFJ — “your insights aren’t meaningful,” or “your life is meaningless”

INFP feels pride from being unique and being seen that way

INFJ feels pain from not being understood or connecting with others

INFJ biggest value isn’t “authenticity” but rather “universal meaning.” They are merely a vessel, and their F is focused on others, not self (their thoughts and insights — not feelings — are what’s focused internally, and sometimes INFJs are utterly blind to their own emotions.)

As Heidi Priebe wrote,

“Because INFPs tend to be highly creative and individualistic, most of them have never met another person quite like themselves (including other INFPs). For this reason, they find it fitting that their type is 1% of the population — they think this explains their individuality, when in reality it is their introverted feeling that sets them apart.”

Deepest desire:

INFJs want universal insight on other people (INFP doesn’t reallycare)

INFP wants unique expression of self (INFJ doesn’t really care)

ENFP : Good morning! I brought your coffee.

ISTJ : Thank you, can I have a little spoon please?

ENFP : Oh, I almost forgot! [Hugs ISTJ from behind]

ISTJ : [flustered] That’s not what I meant, but I’ll take this too-

xNFP : Would I rather be feared or loved ? Easy, both.

xNFP : I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Brown parents :

My kid = my property

Reality changes according to your perspective…

Or is it rather,

Your perspective shapes your reality…?

Our thoughts, they have power… We can change our life by our thoughts! I always trust this. I believe in Law of Attraction. I strongly believe that I can change my life with my thoughts..

INTJ: Are you okay?

ENFP: [In pain] My body hurts. I feel like my bones are made of avian bones

INTJ: That’s a weird way of phrasing it

ENFP: You know, like bird bones

If you have an ENFP in your life I’m sure you’ve had at least one of those “oh my God, who is this person and when did they bodysnatch my ENFP?” moments. I’m speaking, of course, about the ENFP in “angry mode”. That’s what I’m calling it now - no, screw it - I’m coining it. “Angry Mode”. There.

ENFP’s are generally very agreeable and friendly creatures. Our Ne-dom nature tends to be highly agreeable because we’re able to see things from different perspectives, and we fancy ourselves as good at reading people’s intentions. It’s hard to be upset at someone who probably means well and just didn’t think what they did was mean or inconsiderate, right?

This agreeable nature is one of the reasons why other types generally rank us highly in those online “which type is best type lol?” polls that you find at personalitycafe, but it does have very firm boundaries. Boundaries that are often hard to make out. Think of it as hidden land-mines in the worlds prettiest and most rainbow-filled park you’ve ever seen. Now, if you’ve ever found yourself landing on one of those land-mines, my first question should be “oh my God, are you okay?”.

If you are so lucky to never have been close enough to an angry ENFP, allow me to explain. When you step on one of the hidden land-mines (Fi) you risk ending up in Te-ENFP-Territory (also mine, just coined it). Te-ENFP-Territory is an ugly place. It’s the only time you would hear an ENFP tell you to “go fuck yourself” while delivering precision strikes against everything you are most insecure about.

Te-ENFP-Territory does not hold punches. It obscures rational thought and, with the help of Ne (wearing war paint), pulls all the data that it has absorbed through all of your conversations and strikes where it thinks it hurts you the most. It does not let up until a (mostly unclear to the ENFP) goal has been accomplished.

Think of it as a defense mechanism. This defense mechanism is there to bite you when the ENFP feels like you have wronged him/her. Here are a few typical things that it is protecting the ENFP from:

• Encroaching on the ENFP’s individuality. Any attempts to limit the ENFP’s freedom is risky and must be dealt with while wearing fire-proof gloves.
• Not considering the ENFP’s point of view as valid or acceptable. Your ENFP has spent a lot of time valuing why he/she decides what to believe. A complete dismissal of their ideas is hurtful.
• Making the ENFP look like they don’t know what they’re talking about. Does your ENFP often pretend to know stuff and get it wrong a lot? Sure. Does your ENFP appreciate being called out on it? NOPE.
• Negligence. This one is often overlooked and typically only relevant when in a romantic relationship with the ENFP. Knowing that you prioritize and love the ENFP is very important. If you do not show sufficient interest in your ENFP, they will start to withdraw and, if pushed, will go into full Te-ENFP-Territory. Speaking from personal experience, I am convinced that this clinginess comes from a very specific Ne-dom insecurity that his/her partner is currently looking for new partners on the side of the ENFP. Paying close and affectionate attention to your ENFP is vital to avoid this - especially in the beginning of the relationship. They don’t call us the infantiles for nothing!

How often does the ENFP go into Te-ENFP-Territory? Practically never among casual friendships and on occasion when among his/her closest friends. The real suffers from Te-ENFP-Territory are romantic partners and family members. The good news is that we feel awful almost immediately after we snap out of it and go out of our way to make it up to you afterward. So … I guess that’s something?

Typology Jesus (Carl Jung) once said that “there is no birth of consciousness without pain” and, boy, was he right. The problem with growing up ENFP is that ‘growing up’ is a life-long path that we are reluctantly being dragged along by our Te. 

If there is one thing I wish I could tell 18 year old me it would be that I probably won’t ever become a grown-up in the traditional sense. I think most ENFPs worry about the prospect of becoming that SJ picture of what an adult is like, and if you’re an ENFP reading this and you currently worry about the same thing – that would be like a zebra turning into a giraffe. I would watch the hell out of that, but I have yet to read about it happening in National Geographic.

Having said that, we Ne-Fi folk do mature immensely. Here are a few ways in which I have noticed it on myself.

1. Eventually our Ne starts realizing the limitations of our planet and begins to run into the same sources of information twice. Looking from the outside, that might seem like a strange thing to put on this list, but it is a groundbreaking and slightly-disheartening thing for an ENFP to experience. We grew up constantly looking for new pieces of information to absorb and filter through our Fi, but as we eventually start to see the edges around the framed picture of reality, our Ne actually begins to calm down.
   
2. As we mature, so does our Si. When I first got into typology I couldn’t recognize anything even slightly related to Si in myself. It hasn’t been until these last two years that the function really started to present itself to me. I could go on and on about what it is like, but the most essential part of it to me is that it has leveled me out emotionally and made me more aware of the consequences of my actions before I act on my notoriously impulsive Ne ideas.
3. Fi finally gets starts to get its shit together. Hip-hop phase, check. Heavy metal phase, check. Bob Dylan phase, check. I used to envy INFP’s for how (seemingly) in touch with Fi they are, but eventually our mysterious second function will start to settle down and figure out who it thinks we are. The mystery is still here, the seemingly random outbursts and what makes you YOU is still there, but you will, at some point, be able to predict whether you will still like that sweater you just bought in five months.

Remember when I wrote that thing about saying one thing to 18 year old me? Here’s another one to finish off this post. I wish that I could tell myself that being different isn’t a curse, it’s a gift. It truly is. While it might seem like nobody understands you or appreciates who you truly are, it won’t serve you any good to put up walls around your Fi. It makes angry people feel better about themselves for having bullied you into submission, and it squashes your chance of meeting the people you truly want to hang out with. 

We ENFP folk are way too good at adapting to what other people might like, and it’s tempting because making other people like us feels great, but it’s a hollow sensation. We risk ending up with a huge group of people that like us for who we adapted to present ourselves as - boxing ourselves into a corner where we have to fake our personalities for other people’s satisfaction.

Here’s the dirty secret: most people love our weirdness. They love our tangents. They can’t get enough of our humor. They just don’t get it and it confuses the hell out of them. It can be a lot to take in. Revel in that and start showing the world your true colors. It’s terrifying, but the results are worth it.

Me the ENFP: whats your mbti

Them: oh it’s [insert random mbti].

Me the ENFP: no it’s not

Them: wha-

Me the ENFP: im an expert I know yOU I KNOW EVERYTHGIN ABOUT YOU

Me the ENFP: ok brain be normal

Brain: ok

Brain: “The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.”

ENFPs are just philosophers or teletubbies.. occasionally both at the same time.

Me, the ENFP: *is very heckin angry, wants to show wrath, bathe in the blood of my enemies*

Me, the ENFP: *still angry…. accidentally giggles*

Me, an ENFP: *has a mental map of all ideas that correlate to one another. Mind wanders. Finds something suddenly worth mentioning*

Me, an ENFP: “the sound of snapping your fingers comes from your middle finger hitting your palm, not from the friction it creates with your thumb.”

Friend: “you’re so random.”

Me, an ENFP: wow I would love to sleep early, eat right, lose weight, be effective, and get fit.

Also me, the ENFP: already through 3/4th of a pizza, it’s 4 a.m. and the birds are chirping, laying on piles of undone laundry, is this a chip in my bra??,

Yes, we’re sure. Stop asking us if we’re sure.

My mother (ENFP): Do you want some of my food?

Me (INTJ): No thanks, I’m good.

Mother: Are you sure? I really can’t eat it all.

Me: Yes, I’m sure.

Mother: But it’s going to waste!!!

Me:Omg mom

Ask an INTJ

I do this periodically. If you have a question for an INTJ about stereotypes, relationships, behavioral traits, and stuff like that, feel free to drop an ask in my inbox!

*A Thing™ happens and someone INTJ cares about gets upset*

INTJ: This person is upset. I should do something.

INTJ: Should I hug them? No, no its not that serious. They’re not crying.

INTJ: Maybe I should just ignore it?

INTJ: Crap they’re almost crying. Crap. What do I do.

INTJ:…

INTJ: *awkwardly pats the upset person and then pretends nothing happened*