openblogtomyabusivemother:

People talk about forgiveness like it’s this nonchalant choice you suddenly make in one second before you meet your friends at Panera for lunch and not this excruciating, gradual, meticulously tended to, bloody, sweaty, insane, bone scraping, tooth grinding rebirth of the self.

To all the kids out there who are living with a depressed brother or sister. To all the kids out there who had to witness suicide attempts, to all the kids out there who had to see an ilness taking over someone they love…I’m sorry you had to go through that. But it’s so important that you know: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. None of it was your fault.
I know it sucks,but shit happens. People get sick and no one knows what to do,because there are no rules,no instructions to follow, and we’d all mess up. But you did your best. And it’s okay. It’s okay.
Forgive them.
Forgive your sibling.
Forgive your parents.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive yourself,forgive yourself,forgive yourself.

Every phase of my life has always had a certain theme. Sometimes it has been about forgiveness, sometimes about self love, other times about learning to let go etc… One of the themes I have grown to love and really appreciate, is the theme of honesty. Being honest, TRULY HONEST, with myself has not always been easy. But the more I learn to love myself, the easier it becomes to admit the truth. When you don’t judge yourself for your thoughts and behaviors, it becomes easier to come out of hiding. We don’t need to be in denial, if we can accept our own shadow side. 

“Love is accepting what’s going on, without forcing yourself to like it.” - Benjamin Smythe

(Benjamin Smythe is amazing btw, watch this.) Love does not mean that you like being sad, depressed or angry, it just means that you love the one who is experiencing it. Love can express itself as compassion. As I mentioned in an earlier post, when we are in pain we are in desperate need of love. And so when we proceed with love, we have the capacity to look at our self and our life with complete honestly. This is necessary if we want to change and grow.

And so I must confess, that looking at my past relationships, it has always been about taking. Let’s take Alexfor example, the last guy I dated. If I’m completely honest, I have to admit that my desire to be with him, was based on feeling good. I wanted him to be around, because he gave me that special gooey feeling. It wasn’t even so much our conversations, or what I could add to his life. It was just that he made me feel good. I wanted him around for my own selfish reasons. That’s not love. And so I can’t even get upset really, at the fact that he didn’t want to commit. Because really, I wasn’t looking for true sharing either.

True sharing,wanting to experience life with someone, is something you add to your life. It’s not someone who comes around to make you feel happy. They are not completing you and you are not completing them. You are both adding something extra to each others life. That’s love. And that’s not what I wanted from Alex. I wanted him to fulfill a lack in me, which he, nor anyone else could ever fulfill. That incomplete feeling, that hole in your heart, that can only be filled by your own love and acceptance. Yes all of that cheesy stuff is actually true.

Admitting your true motives for wanting someone in your life can be uncomfortable, but also very freeing. We can only work on something that we admit to, and dare to look at. It actually makes me a little sad thinking about this. It’s almost like I imagine him to be this fragile butterfly that I was trying to stuff in a cage. I was trying to hold onto him for my own happiness, with complete disregard for his happiness. If someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, and you try to force them into it, you are not acting out of love. Love will never force. Love always gives freedom. It’s fear that tries to hold onto the butterfly.

Are you being truthful about your relationships? Or is there someone you’re trying to stuff in a cage, for your own happiness? Maybe it’s time to let go of that ex that doesn’t want to be with you. No matter how painful it is. If you truly love someone, you will set them free.

As for Alex, I am sorry, I wish you all the love and freedom on your journey ❤ 

there’s a couple prequels things i forget aren’t widely held opinions cuz i have rats in my brain & some of those rats are also fictional characters. and one of the things is, everything vader did & a few things anakin did are unspeakably terrible, and i know this, and i am categorically incapable of not forgiving him anyway. like the Opinion is “no one is innately good or evil that’s reductive and harmful. but anakin specifically would have made better choices in better circumstances”. this opinion is not abt canon or facts this is simply me having issues. but i do forget we don’t all have those issues

After years of trying to understand why my healing process took longer, I began to realize that this one was of a different nature. In this version of a heartbreak, I was the villain of the story. I was the one that got away. I was the one who burned all bridges, maybe in an impulsive haste. Healing was not what my soul craved, but forgiveness. Self-forgiveness. And what life’s been trying to tell me, during all these years of agony and self-loathing as a consequence of my actions, is that forgiving yourself is harder and more challenging than forgiving others, but it’s a necessary step for moving on.

Forgive yourself.

I always make excuses for people who don’t deserve them. I let myself down to make them feel better about themselves. I forgive, I say that it’s all good even though it isn’t. Even though it isn’t acceptable and shouldn’t be easily forgiven. Even though I get really hurt by it, I still don’t want people to feel bad even though they may deserve it. My phone may tremble in my hand and my heart will be screaming, telling me to write how I truly feel and just for once to do something for myself, but I won’t. I just wish I would forgive myself for things as easily as I forgive others. I just wish I forgave myself as easy as I forgive you.

/ helovedmebutnotenough

” am I the only one who feels that I’m too nice to people? I forgive them so easily just to make them feel better about themselves while I’m here taking all of the pain. I just wish good for people and I don’t want anyone to feel the things that I do ”

- helovedmebutnotenough

To whoever needs to hear this: to be ready to forgive yourself, you must first be ready to reach a truce with yourself.

Gospel Mk 2:1-12

When Jesus returned to Capernaum after some days,
it became known that he was at home.
Many gathered together so that there was no longer room for them,
not even around the door,
and he preached the word to them.
They came bringing to him a paralytic carried by four men.
Unable to get near Jesus because of the crowd,
they opened up the roof above him.
After they had broken through,
they let down the mat on which the paralytic was lying.
When Jesus saw their faith, he said to him,
“Child, your sins are forgiven.”
Now some of the scribes were sitting there asking themselves,
“Why does this man speak that way?  He is blaspheming.
Who but God alone can forgive sins?”
Jesus immediately knew in his mind what
they were thinking to themselves,
so he said, “Why are you thinking such things in your hearts?
Which is easier, to say to the paralytic,
‘Your sins are forgiven,’
or to say, ‘Rise, pick up your mat and walk’?
But that you may know
that the Son of Man has authority to forgive sins on earth”
–he said to the paralytic,
“I say to you, rise, pick up your mat, and go home.”
He rose, picked up his mat at once,
and went away in the sight of everyone.
They were all astounded
and glorified God, saying, “We have never seen anything like this.”

Your greatest test will be how you handle people who mishandled you.