#excerpts from a book ill never write
“Forgive him for being too young to realize what he had.”
— unknown
“I just wanted you to love me as much as I loved you.”
— you never did
“I’ll always secretly wish that the honor of being my first love went to someone more noble, honest, and deserving. I would never want to relive the 6 years of my life with you, especially if it would’ve ended in the same pain and destruction. But even though my heart sometimes fills itself with regret at allowing myself to become so misguided by my blinding love for you, I understand it was all necessary. It was necessary to surrender myself to the suffering you caused me to grasp the importance of knowing my own worth. To understand that I must put myself before anybody else. For the rest of my life the scars you left on my heart will shake when I think of my first love. But they will guide me in making decisions that will fulfill me. I have taken a lot of lessons away from loving you, like following my intuition and respecting myself enough to remove myself from toxic situations. And understanding that the way you treated me is the stark opposite of what I deserve. Most of all, loving you taught me that you cannot have bliss without suffering, simply because you do not know what true happiness is without feeling the deepest sadness.”
— s.c. { i will be happier than i’ve ever been and i owe it all to the way you destroyed me }
I was in love with the idea, not the man. And in the end, ideas stay with us longer than any man ever could.
My Heart Bleeds Poetry #39
Charlene Pablo ( via @inevitable-realities)
I don’t think I ever really loved you the right way. But then again you never really loved me at all.
My Heart Bleeds Poetry #38
Charlene Pablo
“I often have to remind myself that you’re not a part of my life anymore.”
- My Heart Bleeds Poetry #37
Charlene Pablo ( via @inevitable-realities)
“I often wonder … was it love that changed me, or was it heartbreak?”
My Heart Bleeds Poetry #36
Charlene Pablo ( via @inevitable-realities)
“I sometimes forget that you’re not really mine.”
- My Heart Bleeds Poetr #35
Charlene Pablo ( via @inevitable-realities)
“I’d rather fly from Hell than fall from Heaven.”
- My Heart Bleeds Poetry #34
Charlene Pablo ( via @inevitable-realities)
“Sometimes people surprise you…not everyone is a villain, not everyone will lie to you, there is still good genuine kind soft people in this world. You just have to keep looking.”
1:13 10/6/21
Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.
So the dead live on as ideas. Does that make your mind a graveyard or one of heaven’s hallways?
I guess we all have a little bit of ‘i want to save the world’ in us, but i just want to put it out there that it’s okay if you are able to only save one person and it’s also okay if that person is you.
Movie: Reality bites.
Shall we please go back? Let’s pretend that nothing ever happened and return to the days before we fuck each other up. When we were talking like we’re friends, even though we secretly fell for one another. Or even further behind. Let’s go back to the day we first met and redo our whole relationship. I just want the suffering to end and so do you.
ninalocespotato
I’m sick of sipping pumpkin drinks and would-be-anniversaries.
you’re there. hand-catching fish, achilles in the stream with the current biting your roll-ups.
i watch through a lens because it’s all I can hold in one hand.
the painkillers will lose to the wisdom teeth every time
yet I’m supposed to thank the growing pains
that mean my clothes will never fit me in the right places again.
sleep is the closest i can get to morphine
until the sepia bows to the afterparty
and I no longer have to stand as a crucifix
on a ledge that’s never quite high enough.
just once, I want the sky to actually be on fire when he says he’ll be,
so I can count time until the moon arrives to cauterise the damage.
achilles//r.t.
according to the japanese art of kintsugi,
nothing is unfixable.
statues that have withered may be
repaired with seams of gold.
I wondered if that principle applies to people,
and if God would let me in after fixing his creation,
then I tried it anyway.
kintsugi is the wheel indents in her driveway
thirteen miles east,
the passenger seat ejecting, flipping,
shards of me flinging into
a tangle of hair and shoulder blades.
her torso is a long drag of tobacco and
I run my hands along the equator of her back
feeling the facets like braille,
body foetused into body, until I realise.
I’m an unmade mosaic masquerading
as an art piece, with a stranger
behind my face and on my lap.
I thought if we pretended long enough
we might fill each other’s cracks.
kintsugi kokaï //r.t.
some nights I feel like
the architect of my own sadness.
it’s my own fault for being this broken robot
where the cogs are rust-tainted
where the parts are disorientated
like a mirror with a dislocated face
like a surrealist painting
out of place, disconnected, waste of space
the joints spurt gasoline
the alarms shout burnout.
once I was told that
I could hold the world in my hands
and I did. until it overflowed.
burnout//r.t.
Darling, this isn’t love any longer. This is a motherfuckin’ battlefield.
Maybe he isn’t meant for me, or I’m not meant for him. Either way, we’re both losing this battle called love.
As I’m sitting here, all by myself in my room behind closed doors, I started thinking about how alone I actually am. You know, I have a family and they all love me and I love them, but there are things I can’t talk about with them cause they would never understand me. I have friends, a lot of them, but they don’t value me like I value them, they don’t appreciate me like I do them, they don’t see things like I do. They are my friends and we can talk about things but oh God I don’t know how to explain. I have friends, but I only got myself. I think I always will feel alone no matter how much people there are around me. At the end of the day, the only person who listens to me is myself. Sadly, I only got myself.
//helovedmebutnotenough
”You want to know the worst part? I knew it. He told me he wouldn’t hurt me. He told me he was different. But he wasn’t and I knew it. And whose fault is this? Yours? Mine? Is it your fault that you broke my heart even though you knew it was broken before? Or is it it maybe my fault? That I let all this shit happen to me all over again. One second I blame myself for letting you in, for trusting you, for doing this once again, and one second I blame you for telling me all those sweet things just to make me believe you, treating me good just to make me feel like shit a moment later. Whose fucking fault is it? I knew better and I don’t deserve this. But I don’t know shit anymore”
// helovedmebutnotnenough
” sometimes love isn’t enough. And it’s just simple as that. Love isn’t enough ”
//helovedmebutnotenough
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, some people will never appreciate you the way you want them to and they will never see how much you’re worth. No matter how much you want them to, no matter how much you wish they did, no matter how much you do for them and how much you want them to love you, how much you want them to be good to you.. They just won’t. You can try everything but you can’t force someone to be the right person.
//helovedmebutnotenough
” I think some people really enjoy the winter. I don’t mean because of the holidays. But they are just as cold as the weather, just as empty as the streets at the evenings and the dark skies are reminding them of their dark hearts. Maybe, this time of the year is reminding them that they’re never alone. If they don’t feel like there is someone who feels just like them, they can always relate to the Earth. And as we all know, it will get lighter and warmer soon. ”
//helovedmebutnotenough
How to heal
” I’ve always heard that time heals everything and everytime I’ve talked to someone that’s what they’ve told me. But I’m going to tell you something else. Time WILL NOT heal SHIT if you’re not believing in yourself or wanting to get better. To move on, you have to WANT to do it. I know it’s hard sometimes to want to move on from someone or something but does it look like you have some other choices? You can tell yourself and you can listen to others who tells you that time will heal you, I’m telling you that it won’t unless you have decided that you’re not going to feel this pain no more. When you feel that you WANT to heal and when you believe in that you WILL heal, that’s when time will start healing things. But it won’t to it itself.”
/helovedmebutnotenough
” he ruined me. He ruined my trust. He ruined eveything I believed in, my dreams, my wants, things that made me happy. He ruined my confidence. Everything I was insecure about and hated about myself, he made me hate it even more. He ruined this whole town for me because everytime I left my house I saw him everywhere, because there isn’t a place where we haven’t been togheter. He ruined my body because I still feel his touch and damn he didn’t even deserve to touch me, not even once. He fucking ruined everything about me but I have build myself up again and I’m stronger than ever before. I am worth everything and I won’t ever let a man ruin my life”
-you tried to ruin my life too
//helovedmebutnotenough
” I love him and he loves me but sometime he hurts me and makes me very sad and I try to explain and he tries to listen but the story is repeating and I don’t know what the fuck I do now ”
I always make excuses for people who don’t deserve them. I let myself down to make them feel better about themselves. I forgive, I say that it’s all good even though it isn’t. Even though it isn’t acceptable and shouldn’t be easily forgiven. Even though I get really hurt by it, I still don’t want people to feel bad even though they may deserve it. My phone may tremble in my hand and my heart will be screaming, telling me to write how I truly feel and just for once to do something for myself, but I won’t. I just wish I would forgive myself for things as easily as I forgive others. I just wish I forgave myself as easy as I forgive you.
/ helovedmebutnotenough
” I just wish for someone to understand me. To understand that sometimes I can get very sad and I will not be that nice to others when I feel like my world is falling apart, and I just wish someone could understand and swallow their pride just to make me feel better and not get upset if I say something wrong. I’m so sorry and I dont ever mean it. I just get a little sad sometimes and I just want someone who’ll understand that”
- I just get a little sad sometimes and that is okay
//helovedmebutnotenough
” I know how it feels to be heartbroken. I know that all you want to do is to text him and tell him that you’re okay with him being this way, even if you’re actually not. I know that you just want to forgive him for everything and tell him to come over, just to spend some more time with him. You know deep down that this isn’t love. That he doesn’t love you the way that you want to be loved. You’re too obsessed with him to see your own value and to see that it’s not supposed to be this way, not at all. You shouldn’t be the one apologizing if you deep down know that you did nothing wrong and he just put the blame on you to feel better about himself, like he always does. I know that you want to text him. And all your friends is calling you stupid and they are getting mad because you still want to be with him, even though he did all that and hurt you bad. And you feel alone, you feel so alone and it makes you want to scream, and you are screaming, your heart is screaming. Scream, just don’t text him. I know that it is so fucking hard to act cold and to hold back. But that’s what is best for you. If he texts you, I’m begging you to try and not answer. Or at least be cold. He doesn’t deserve you darling, and I just wish for you to realize it soon. I’m good now and so will you be.”
- helovedmebutnotenough
” I hate when people say that if you’re the one who breaks up, you didn’t fight enough or you didn’t love them enough. I broke up, but I fought for him each and every day the last 6 months of our relationship. I went through hell for him because I loved him. It felt like someone stabbed me in my cheast 15 times a day cause he didn’t appreciate my love. So don’t you ever fucking put dirt on someone who broke up with their boyfriend/girlfriend if they had their reasons. Don’t you fucking dare”
- it hurt more to leave that anything else but it was the best thing I ever did
” am I the only one who feels that I’m too nice to people? I forgive them so easily just to make them feel better about themselves while I’m here taking all of the pain. I just wish good for people and I don’t want anyone to feel the things that I do ”
- helovedmebutnotenough
”But when do you know if you should leave? Is it at your second fight? Is it when he ignores to apologize because he didn’t understand he hurt you and you’re convincing yourself that it’s the last time he’ll do this? Is it when you feel that pain in your bones, that pain in your chest, that damn pain all over your body after a fight? Is it when you feel that it’s a good day just because you guys didn’t argue? Do you leave when you start getting scared of saying things cause you mind up getting in a fight? Or do you always stay?”
- I think you should leave the moment you start thinking about leaving (put yourself first)
” Isn’t sad when you spend months and sometimes even years on loving someone who could never love you back the same? Isn’t it sad that even though you’re completly aware of it, you’ll still stay. You’ll stay and pretend that they love you as much as you love them because being with them without them loving you sounds a lot more better than being without them at all. ”
- they say love is blind guess they’re right
” The worst thing you can do to someone is to take advantage of their feelings for you. You will treat them like shit knowing damn well they will stay with you just because they love you. How can you be so heartless? ”
- that’s what he did to me
” It’s not your fault that he doesn’t know how to love you. It’s not your fault that he doesn’t know how to treat you or appreciate you. Never blame yourself because of a boy who is stupid enough not to see how much you’re worth. Keep in mind that you deserve someone who don’t need instructions, they just know how to love you perfectly without any excuses. Know your worth, always. ”
- helovedmebutnotenough
You know what? I was sick. I was sick of being treated like shit. I was sick of coming back to you and forgiving you every goddamned time and you took advantage of it every single time. I was sick of you ignoring me and only talking to me when it suited you. I was sick of your lies, your bullshit, your secrets. I was sick of crying. I was sick of waking up with tears rolling down my cheeks because of the terrible nightmare I had about losing you (little did I know that I was losing you more and more everyday) And I was sick of going to sleep barley being able to breathe and having to gasp for air every five minutes, all because I was feeling unwanted as hell and you couldn’t care less. I was sick of being mad. I was sick of being mad at myself and putting all the blame on me. I was fucking sick of myself for putting myself through so much shit all because I loved you and put you before me.
I was sick of being sick.
- But I’m ok now.
