As pride month 2019 gets a rolling, I felt the pull to share some thoughts…
So, if you’ve tuned in late, here’s what you missed: I officially came out as a transwoman in late 2014/early 2015. At that time and for quite some time before, I was pushing myself to be an all american, hyper masculine person. It was my attempt at meeting expectations; of fitting in and keeping a low profile. I had gotten to this place of self loathing do in large part (but not exclusively) to an early attempt at transition that went very, VERY bad.
I was in DEEP denial to be sure, but I was also so, so scared. Scared of losing the love of my life, my family and friends – terrified of the unknown… of becoming homeless (again) because I wasn’t sure it would be possible to keep/get a job. What would it do to my art career?? Would I be expected to leave my life behind and start over? From SCRATCH?? I came from such rough origins of discrimination, othering, abuse and bullying, that I didn’t know if I could handle yet ANOTHER set of obstacles. Especially, when I had worked so hard to have a good life that I could be proud of. I think this is a common concern among those of us who transition late in life.
I suppose, you could say that I had become comfortable in my little gender prison. It was the devil I knew, so to speak. We were very poor, growing up, and I was very frequently left unsupervised and this often put me in harms way for one reason or another. But thankfully, the boy was a survivor. He could take a beating and give one back. He was reactionary, tough, steely, and driven. Determined to live long enough for everything to finally make sense, so I could have a shot at peace.
A raw, angry nerve, if there ever was one.
But he was also kind, compassionate, and hell bound to be better than the sum of his parts. And if I’m really honest here, it wasn’t always the worst thing; riding shotgun with him for as long as I did. There were a lot of crazy adventures! Good friends – some truly fond memories associated with the guy. I’ve always lusted for life experiences. These, not only inform me as I continue though my life, but amass to a treasure trove of moments that I wouldn’t trade for anything. That said, living inauthenticly was slowly rotting me from the inside out.
I tried VERY hard to be heteronormative, and cisgendered. I ignored myself, and focused on everyone else. My education, my career… I kept busy and hoped that my gender conflicts would simply go away like my childhood asthma. I believed for so long that it couldn’t be any different than it was, that it eventually became the truth. Until, finally, it wasn’t. So you can imagine how HARD coming out was.
It was me claiming myself, FOR myself, for the first time in my life – EVER, and facing the reality of who I actually am.
This is why I get so annoyed by people who refer to transitioning as a “choice” or a “lifestyle,” by the way. What a stupid, hurtful thing to say to someone! I didn’t choose being transgender anymore than I chose to have been born in New York, or to have blue eyes or to be allergic to crab. Every year – GLOBALLY – hundreds of transfolk are murdered, just for trying to live their best lives in their own damn skin. That’s. Fucked up.
That’s 1.4 MILLION or so Americans getting getting denied healthcare, being harassed by law enforcement, losing their jobs, and being shunned by family/friends/spiritual communities because why? People can’t wrap their head around the complexity of gender?!
But yeah, it’s a party. Woo-fucking-hoo. (Insert facepalm, here.)
The reality is, we humans exist on spectrums. Gender, sexuality, physicality; like a person’s identity, we are never only “one thing or the other.” And that’s GOOD because diversity and life experience. And for real, this is how it’s been the entirety of human existence. The idea of a binary, is an archetype. Like roman gods. Mars, for instance, is not an actual person, but rather a representation of a TYPE of person. A mentality. A glorified ideal. Such is the ideal of “binary man” and “binary woman.”
It’s all a gray area people, try to keep up.
One of the most beautiful things about being transgender (IMHO), is its intersectionality. It’s a kind of equalizer. What that means, is that ANYONE, can be born trans, regardless of cultural/ethnic origin, political affiliation, religious views, social standing, ableness, intelligence, health…. – in a sense, trans people are all people.
And THAT, dear internet, is BEAUTIFUL to me. And that is why I am free and have pride and what, next weekend, I’ll be celebrating.
Stay strong, live your best life and have a happy pride. <3
1- I’m a bisexual woman dating a cis straight man. That doesn’t make me straight, and that doesn’t make my relationship a straight one. That doesn’t mean I belong less in the LGBT+ community than a gay person.
2- The fourth example was not a joke. I’m in a fandom where two genderless entities with a temporary human shape are paired together. I’ve seen artists get hate because they drew them “looking straight”. The characters are still non-binary, still in love, STILL NOT STRAIGHT. Do not allow this toxic rhetoric in your fandom. Protect artists.
**Note– Forgot I meant to add aro and ace in there, sorry, but this TOTALLY INCLUDES ARO AND ACE PEOPLE.
THERE IS NO HIERARCHY OF WHAT IS MORE ACCEPTABLE IN THE LGBT+ COMMUNITY.
Guys, I’ve been matched to a lot of stupid people on dating apps but this guy won !
Apparently my bone structure is so “masculine” he had to ask me if I was trans, which btw is not offensive to me. Then when I asked if he was in sarcasm, this was his response. This has to be the morst ignorant response. And the fact that he unmatched me after just proved he has fragile male masculinity.
Thanks for letting me know the type of energy you’re on Alex from day 1
I’m constantly questioning my gender but I live in such a conservative area that I can’t really feel safe talking about it with anyone hahahaha I’m so ready to go to college
On the bus ride to my last volleyball game I was sitting behind these 13 year olds and after eavesdropping on their conversation I think they get more action than me???? I guess that’s just the aroace life lolol
Everyone irl is talking about how many kids they want but all I want in life are those car stickers that represent family members but instead of it being me, my spouse, and my kids, I want it to be me and just a ton of dogs. Dream big, kids
