We’ve all dreamed about what our “perfect future” would look like, but did you realize just how much that actually tells you about yourself?
Each and every dream or goal you have for yourself can teach you a lot about your own personal values and desires. As such, it can also tell you what you truly need to focus on to get where you want to be!
Start by answering the following question: How do I want to live?
There’s no deadline of “…in five years” or anything like that. It’s just- what does your ideal life look like? In the form of bullet points, jot down any and everything you think of that you think is important to the ideal.
Then go back and answer a different question: What does my dream lifestyle say about me?
There are typically two categories of information you can glean from this exercise. The first is what you value.
At the very core, the center, of who you are, what is the absolute most important to you? For example, I noticed that a lot of my “ideals” that came to mind involved having the discipline to eat well or having more time and funds to throw into self-care and beauty routines. This tells me that I value my own health and physical appearance and it is important to me that I view myself in a positive light, even if no one else does.
For me, that is something I have struggled with for a long time, feeling confident in my own body. At some point, it became one of my fears and a weakness to me. However, what we fear about ourselves or the world around us can often tell us exactly what we value so deeply. The reason we fear certain things is because we have something to protect there, something we love and cherish, and we desperately want to prevent it from being taken from us. By focusing on those areas in our self-reflection, we can help strengthen those values and desires that are hidden there so that we can wear them more confidently.
The second category of information you can learn about from this exercise is what you desire.
While your values are your needs, your desires are your wants. Could you survive without them? Probably, but that doesn’t make them any less important to you. Your values are things that have always been a part of you, but have weakened over time and need to be given strength. A desire, on the other hand, are things that haven’t come to pass yet but are essential to your continued growth as a person. They can show you what pieces of yourself you have outgrown or the best building blocks to help you strengthen, or develop new, core values.
For example, when looking at my “ideals”, I can see that the words “confidence” and “discipline” and “self-control” pop up a lot, always in the context that they are something I lack. That’s not a negative way to write about myself, it’s simply that at my current stage in life, I have noticed this and now I am expressing the desire to change that. Due to my personal context, this tells me that I desire the confidence to speak when needed, to stay silent when it isn’t, and say precisely what needs to be said, instead of rambling anxiously and feeling uncomfortable in my own silence. If there is something about yourself that really bothers you, it’s your brain telling you that whatever is on your nerves is no longer necessary to you, that you’ve outgrown it and need something else now. In my case, I feel out-of-control in social situations and after looking at what my “ideals” actually are, can safely say that the issue is rooted in low, or a lack of, self-confidence.
I’m twenty-one-years-old and I’ve swallowed half a bottle of acetaminophen. The nurse had given me a cup of charcoal to neutralize the acid in my stomach. My vomit is the color of midnight. My body is ejecting a nightmare.
One of the nurses tells me, “You’ve been Baker Act’ed.” Like it was a gameshow. It’s a seventy-two hour hold. I get moved from the hospital to a mental institution called Bay Care or Bay Pointe or Bay Life. It might as well be Bay Prison. By the end of three days, I lose thirteen pounds and one of my socks.
The patients and I go to this group meeting, and the lead counselor passes out these giant rubber pens and circular sheets of paper. He asks us, “What’s your goal today?” One of the guys pulls the fire alarm and yells that he’ll never stop doing favors for crack. “It’s a free country,” he yells, while two nurses sedate him and drag him across the linoleum. He’s still yelling but the fire alarm drowns him out. The counselor asks again, “What’s your goal today?” I write down, “To get out.”
That night, my bunkmate wakes me up. He’s the same guy they dragged out of the meeting. He’s spinning his mattress over his head and he tells me, “Roaches in my bed, my veins, come on, it’s true, it’s really true!” I know my options. I can grab a counselor to stop him. I can ask to switch rooms. I can tell the guy, “It’s not true, you’re hallucinating, that’s why you’re here.”
“Hey,” I tell him. “I know. Let’s look for them, you know? If we don’t find any, we can sleep, how’s that? Let’s look for them together.” My bunkmate likes this plan. We get on our hands and knees to look for cockroaches. After thirty seconds, he gets back on his mattress and falls asleep.
I touched upon something that has since informed the way I treat people. The way I treat their mental health. The way I treat their feelings of loneliness, of being unheard, of being a minority, of being silenced.
If it’s important to you, it’s important to me. If it’s real to you, it’s real to me. If it hurts you, it hurts me. Your pain is my pain.
loving yourself isn’t going to be easy. although I have recovered from self harm, I still struggle every day with treating myself kindly. but everyday we get ourselves out of bed, make that phone call we’re scared of, go in the shower…that is self love. that is a moment of care and love for ourselves and it will all add up in time. do what you can. don’t be so hard on yourself.
My gorgeous boyfriend is raising money for him to get top surgery as he has been waiting on the NHS waiting list for over 2 ½ years now. He is told it could be 3 years before he actually gets surgery but with going private it can be as little as four weeks waiting. Although, it is £6000. It would be greatly appreciated if you could donate something so he can start living his life. If you can’t donate, no worries, just sharing this would be great! Thank you so much ❤️
A quick message for all my ex-cult peeps and PIMOs :
This is not the end of the world, I know the media is acting like it and I know how whatever cult / religion you’ve come from or are currently in will be influencing this shocking event for their own gain, but its not the end.
This is not some precursor to a deity committing mass genocide, this is not a divine judgement, this is not a sign from above telling you to come back to the cult.
These are the actions of a mortal human, this is an attack by someone of our own species, this is not the first time it has happened and I doubt it will be the last.
So take 5 minutes to breathe and calm yourself, if you need to, stay off social media or avoid posts concerning the Ukraine + russian conflict, put yourself first and look after your mental health.
If you are in Ukraine, I know words are meaningless especially online but I hope you see this from a safe place, I hope you have enough to get by and I hope you aren’t in any physical pain. If you’re grieving or are scared out of your mind, I’m sorry for your loss and for what you’re going through, I wish I could hug you and support you as much as possible in person.
A little thing I did while filming for the YouTube video that I’ve been procrastinating on editing (for like a month now lmao omg I need to fix my procrastination issue)
I thought this was a fun little look into my neat notes vs. my messy notes :D just wanted to show you guys that I don’t always have perfect cutesy handwriting and that that’s in fact fairly normal.
“You get what you ask for. If you want to disappear, you got it. If you want to be seen and heard, you can have that too. Disappearing is much easier, I have to say. It doesn’t take much energy to shut up and fade away. What’s much more challenging is acknowledging to yourself that you’re worthy of being here and facing the pain that’s required of being seen.” - Michelle D’Avella
When I was in highschool I let my social anxiety completely take control of my life. I disappeared. I didn’t interact with anyone, talk to anyone, participate in class or whatsoever. Barely anyone in my class knew my name.
And it’s true, disappearing and giving up is so easy, but to have a lifestyle where no one acknowledges you or where you stop expressing yourself is much harder.
Now I’m trying my best to challenge my social anxiety and open up to my surroundings, I got sick of being invisible, I want to be seen.
It is hard and very mentally challenging for me, but I want to change.
Good morning! Grateful that I woke up today feeling more rested than during the holidays.
I spent most of the weekend in mini-sessions for managing my headspace and healing. It has not been easy, but I do think the journey is worth it. :) Sharing with y’all this photo from one of my “clearing” art sessions. The work I do every day (studying, doing research, and designing) relies a lot on details, so I enjoyed doing the complete opposite and living in the calm brought by painting the sky and water. It feels great to release the heavy energy and let the light in! I hope I can keep these little rituals throughout the year and beyond.
✿ ICYMI: January 2021 calendar wallpapers are up on my Ko-fi shop!
“I’m okay.” At least that’s what I tell you and what I tell myself Because for as long as I can remember, there’s been this odd feeling deep, deep, deep inside of me that I can’t quite explain and it wouldn’t go away
Some days it consumes me downplays even the littlest of the good things that happened to me It’s as if I deserve this and I have no right to be happy I am easily irritated I push people away even if all I wanted was to call out their name and ask them to stay
But what frustrates me the most is that I no longer appreciate all of the things that made my worries dissipate I look at art; I used to make art because art is supposed to make you feel something But how is that even possible now when the void only keeps on growing and at the end of the day, you still feel like you’re missing something?
That’s why I say I’m “okay” Two letters or four, however you spell it It looks simple and easy It doesn’t ask any questions It doesn’t take much out of my depleting energy And that’s what I want right now — what I think I need
Some people see past my fictitious testimonies, my false confidence, false smile, false laugh So it looks like I’m not succeeding in the illusion that I keep conjuring They tell me to man up and to stop overthinking They tell me to snap out of it; there are bigger problems than my own Gee, Karen, I didn’t know it was that easy! I should have thought about that sooner Now, I think you’ve cured me!
I look around me and see how people can just simply be happy My friends are going to med school, they’ve defended their thesis, they sleep in on weekends, they have time to watch a movie It looks like things come to them so naturally Then only one thing invades my thoughts in the wee hours of the morning: why can’t that be me?
Deep down I know that those things can be misleading; that these people also have things that they’re keeping We might have the same struggles, there’s just a little difference in the details It’s just that these bad brain days make me feel like I’m beyond repair, and this distorted way of thinking is here to stay and keep me in despair
I tried everything there is: books that help you rediscover your purpose, catch up with my good ol’ friends, chant while in the sitting position called “lotus”, and redirect my focus to school things instead I’ll admit that it somewhat helped and suddenly, things are no longer as intense So here I am, thinking, “Did I…just make that up in my head?”
So one day, I find myself singing again ABBA, Beyoncé, Kanye, you name it I’ve set my mind on grad school I’m working on defending my thesis You wouldn’t even believe that I got eight hours of sleep last weekend I also just watched a whole season of good TV I didn’t even know that the agents of SHIELD had been battling the Kree Gosh, I don’t want this feeling to end
But that good, happy place doesn’t last and the emptiness creeps in way too fast I thought I’ve had a good grip on this new reality How did I let it get taken out of my hands? Here we go again It’s barely been a minute since I actually felt sane Here we go again with this random period of crippling paranoia “Can we please chill for a minute, dear brain?”
No. And it was there when I came to understand why people jumped in front of moving trains, why they threw themselves off buildings, why some chose to drink the night away — a quick fix Acting as quickly as the void that swallowed them whole; as quickly as their desire to put it all to an end
They say that the truth will set you free; they say it’ll bring about inner peace, help you go to bed and finally get a good night’s sleep but there are always two sides of the same coin and we rarely talk about the other story, the one where the truth can be filled with pain and agony the one that makes us feel that we’re locked up in a box and then suffocated by a bag full of life’s atrocities
I wish more people would see this truth that I’m still me and you’re still you that we are not the demons inside our minds that every day is a fight to no longer be slaves of the pain we feel inside I long for the day where I could be honest look you in the eye, take a deep breath, and say, “The truth is, I am not okay.”
I wrote this spoken word poetry piece in the quiet of the morning in my favorite café. All 827 words in under 20 minutes. There were no tears shed in the process of writing and practicing until today, where I broke down mid-performance in front of my literature professor and 16 of my classmates. I guess it was only then and there where I really felt every word I uttered. I was so focused on extracting those feelings and putting them into words, I neglected to understand what they meant. So here I am, back in the café, coming to a realization that there’s still so much pain left inside of me, even if for the past few days I feel like I’m finally getting back on my feet. It’ll probably take a little bit more effort (and maybe even that spiritual retreat next week) to achieve some sort of inner peace, but I’m glad I made this progress of acknowledging my truth today.
If you ever find yourself resonating with this piece, I wish I could surround you with fluffy clouds, cute lil’ bunnies, and all the good things. If you need a friend, my inbox is open 24/7.
I really do hate twitter for the days I see everyone interacting around me and I feel more alone and when it makes me think I have to scream just to get acknowledged as a human being
I thought about being vague as I wrote this as to not get too dark but then I decided no, we can’t shy away from this.
So. It’s Suicide Prevention Day. And September is Suicide Prevention Awareness month.
I don’t talk about it a lot on here (not because I mind but because I’ve learned people don’t like going there) but I have dealt with my fair share of mental health issues in the past. I still deal with some, but I’m in a much better place. So incase you stop reading I’ll go ahead and say, it gets better.
7 years ago today I almost made a horrible life changing decision. It was hard. SO hard. But I kept going. And 7 years later I can look back and know I made the right decision.
Had I chosen differently here are just a few things I would have missed:
My sister getting married
My niece being born
Traveling to 40/50 of US states
Swimming in new oceans
Graduating college
4 concerts of my favorite artists
Seeing some of my favorite musicals including Hamilton
Snow
Meeting new friends
Meeting my best friend
Discovering new passions
Having a poem published
Some amazing books and movies
Stupid little videos that make me giggle
Discovering Tom Holland and Harrison Osterfield
Learning more about the people I love
Learning so much more about myself
So so SO much more
I know this list looks trivial.. and it is to an extent.. but if you’re in your bedroom writing your note and you can’t see a reason for tomorrow, think of the little things. Think of the unknown. Think of the possibilities. Think of the little joys. I promise they are so worth it. You are worth it.
I won’t lie and say it’s easy. I’ll say it’s worth it.
