anyone ever feel like a “bad” bulimic too? like why tf am i feeling guilty about that?!?

I talked to a guy that is interested in me about my anorexia and he really had the audacity:

“Oh yeah I feel like that sometimes too, like I won’t feel like eating breakfast sometimes”

Like wtf man. No.

I don’t know if Im happy or sad

But after 2 and a half years into my recovery, all at once I fell back into my anorexic hole again.

Sure there have been ups and downs along the way where I would relaps and start restricting my calories to my usual 1,200, but it never lasted for very long. But now, it’s worse than ever, and it’s nothing like it was before. I’m not refusing to eat because I feel depressed, or as a coping mechanism like I was before. I’m starving myself without even realizing it, it’s like I FORGET to eat now, whereas before, food was my entire life morning, noon and night. I would dedicate hours of my day just to calculating everything down to the tiniest gram, and drink copious amounts of water just to keep myself from eating, while still thinking about food. I’m even forgetting to drink water lately. It’s like my mind fixated on one specific activity per day, and I forget about everything else until I get tired and decide it’s bed time.

At night is when I usually remember, like “my head hurts, oh yeah, I should eat!” And I’ll eat like, a couple bites of somthing or some broth because I just…am NOT hungry? I have no appetite? And I don’t know WHY or HOW? But I can feel my body suffering because I’m NOT EATING. Or like I’ll realize how dry and uncomfortable my mouth is like “oop, better take 2 sips of coolaid to hydrate and keep myself awake”.

It’s only been like this for maybe 2 weeks, Maybe a bit less, but I’ve already went from 139 to 125 (I’m fairly certain it’s not fat weight, but like, water weight and digestive weight). And on one hand I’m so happy! On the other hand, I’m back tracking. All my progress, all the things I was enjoying. I actually was ENJOYING eating food, and I’d drink full fat soda! And I didn’t care about the calories for so long! But now even though it’s only been about 2 weeks, I can already feel everything going backwards in familiar ways. Even though I am forgetting to eat, when I actually do take a bite of somthing, again, I have no appetite. But one day I forced myself to eat some rice, shrimp, and an egg fried in butter. And I felt so, GUILTY afterwards. And that made me so sad because I haven’t felt quite like THAT in so long. And it was soooo good, I just wanted to enjoy it and go about my day. But I remember I just wolfed it down because it tasted so freaking good, that I didn’t really get to savor it and- then it was gone and then I felt hollow and like I did somthing bad.

Then to make that a bit worse, after I ate that, I drank some laxatives- somthing I have not done for quite a long time. And I was really disappointed in myself, because I hadn’t done it for so long, but also because it made me feel better. But I know these things are hurting me and that’s why I’m so upset with myself. I’m so ashamed because it’s like all that progress went down the drain. Bumps in the road are normal and fine, and relapses absolutely do happen, and that’s ok and not a reason to give up, and I know it’s not the end of the world! It’s just, hard, when you see progress crumble and you don’t understand why.

Anyways,

PLEASE REMEMBER TO EAT WELL,

HYDRATE,

STAY SAFE,

AND TO TAKE YOUR MEDICINE AS PRESCRIBED!

Man… I have a male best friend that REALLY always pulls through, even when he’s not around.

I had a horrible dinner with my family, they all were ganging up on me, and then I get a gift from him in the mail? Always perfect timing. I truly am greatful for him

I’m blessed with good friends.

My main trigger is when people get mad at me.

Alls you gotta do it yell at me and next thing you know I’m downing laxatives and purging my guts out. I don’t know why, but I can’t handle anyone being unhappy with me. I can’t handle being fussed at or being disliked, even though, it doesn’t hurt anymore, it’s like my mind just immediately goes to “well, time to throw up” in those moments, even if I’m not sad.

I get confused and irritated, but it doesn’t scare or hurt me anymore. Just, gotta make myself throw up and starve for a few days then I’m a-ok again

My Motivation

I’ve been off dieting and resisted relapsing for about 2 whole years now, but I’m back in action and rearing to go! I was looking back at pictures from 2 years ago and i so LOVED what I saw- I was so skinny and PRETTY?! Like why didn’t I see that in the moment??? (Also all my friends who are now telling me how worried they were for me back then hahaha, alls I got to say to that is “why didn’t you say that while I was in hospital, love? As far as I was concerned, no one said a word and so no one cared”.) Anyway. I really want to get skinny again! Tiktok and egirls are really inspiring me to get skinny and start cosplaying again. I’d like to start live streaming again, and looking pretty and start doing fun things from the comfort of my home! Perhaps after some time I’ll even make an Only Fans! Idk haha. I’m just feeling very motivated, and though I am disappointed in myself for relapsing, I’m also happy because I have goals again. I’ll get thin again, I’ll be pretty again.

If anyone has any tips on obtaining a snatched waist, or anything at all, I would love to hear from you

The Bunny Diet

For about 8 years now, whenever I decide to go on my chosen “diet”, these are the rules and perimeters I have always followed, and they have never failed me. I call it a bunny diet due to the very plant based nature of this diet, but also because I simply love bunnies.

The rules are simple!

• Calorie limit 1,200
• Drink a gallon of water a day
• Eat a highly plant based diet
• Weigh all food on a food scale to get the most accurate calorie reading (google is your friend to determin the calorie count)
• Rice is allowed in small quantities
• Tofu and beans for protein
• MisoSOUP!!!!
• Keep pastas to an absolute minimum, a treat
• On cheat days, eat what you like, but still count the calories and stay within the limit, and still drink your water.
• As far as seasoning goes, butter is forbidden, use salt as needed but try to not use that either. All other seasonings are ok!
• Only use vinegar based salad dressings, no ranch nor cheeses (unless it is your cheat day)
• Allow only one cheat day a week, if you must.
• Maintain a strict bed time
• Brush your teeth every single day, morning and night (absolutely no lazy skipping)
• While you do not HAVE to workout, it will not hurt you to do so.
• Keeping a journal is highly recommended

Two whole years without relapsing, and I’ve fallen right back into old habits. I’m both happy and sad, I’ve gained all my weight back, I was healthy, dare I say happy? And now here I am again.

Will I never learn?