My Motivation

I’ve been off dieting and resisted relapsing for about 2 whole years now, but I’m back in action and rearing to go! I was looking back at pictures from 2 years ago and i so LOVED what I saw- I was so skinny and PRETTY?! Like why didn’t I see that in the moment??? (Also all my friends who are now telling me how worried they were for me back then hahaha, alls I got to say to that is “why didn’t you say that while I was in hospital, love? As far as I was concerned, no one said a word and so no one cared”.) Anyway. I really want to get skinny again! Tiktok and egirls are really inspiring me to get skinny and start cosplaying again. I’d like to start live streaming again, and looking pretty and start doing fun things from the comfort of my home! Perhaps after some time I’ll even make an Only Fans! Idk haha. I’m just feeling very motivated, and though I am disappointed in myself for relapsing, I’m also happy because I have goals again. I’ll get thin again, I’ll be pretty again.

If anyone has any tips on obtaining a snatched waist, or anything at all, I would love to hear from you

Me: Green tea tastes bad

Green tea: but I’m helping your metabolism bitch

Me:

My life is such a joke tbh. So basically, I have a best friend and we kind of turned it into a fwb thing. Last night things were getting heated again but at some point it started to hurt so I began having stupid flashbacks to when I was abused by my ex. I tried to keep going because I’m so used to guys getting angry if I stop but this angel of a man immediately pulls me off of him the second he notices I’m uncomfortable. Now at this point I just start crying because I assumed he was gonna be mad at me but no, this guy takes off his own trousers and puts them on me so I’d feel less vulnerable, goes to get this stuffed lion he once gave me, tucks me in, puts on my favourite podcast, and just held me until I calmed down.

It’s just so ironic that the first guy who actually treats me so amazingly is just a fwb and we’ll probably never be able to be anything more. I mean we spent valentine’s day together, we went to a movie and then proceeded to dance in the rain while listening to cottagecore music, I was basically dying inside of how adorable it was. This had the potential to be the greatest relationship of my life but I keep having to tell myself he’ll never be more than a friend whom I occasionally hook up with

Anyway, thanks for coming to my rant

Just came home from college. Walked into my room and the first thing I notice is the fact that my mom ‘cleaned’ it. My ashtray and empty bottles are on my windowsill, diet pills on my desk, hidden bag of puke is gone (disgusting I know) along with my razorblades and this little bag of saved up antidepressants and pain medication. Might just fuck off back to college cause I don’t see this confrontation ending well (please keep in mind that I’m 21 so I’m legally allowed to smoke and drink, my mom just sees me as a little 10 year old kid)

Me on my way to lie to my therapist so I don’t get put in grippy sock time out

Couple of months ago I thought I found the perfect best friend

Things she’s done that piss me off so far:

- She knows about my ed and whenever she sees me eat literally anything she has to be sarcastic about it, for example a while ago I hadn’t eaten in three days and was feeling really bad so I go to grab something only for her to say “oh with cheese? You know that’s extra calories right?” Did she say it as a joke? Yes. Was it funny? Absolutely not. She does this sort of shit with everything I eat in front of her.

- Gets mad at me when guys talk to me. She already completely ruined my chances with a guy she didn’t even find attractive, but yesterday evening a guy she did find attractive started talking to me (I didn’t even start the conversation) and she just started yelling at me that she’d already ‘claimed’ him. Yes we have a running joke in the friendgroup where we 'claim’ people but most of them are fictional characters and it doesn’t even mean anything. You can’t dictate who talks to who. Last couple of times I wrote it off on her being drunk but she was sober this time so guess she’s just constantly like this

- Ruin club nights completely. Look I don’t like going out but I’m trying to somewhat enjoy my student years. Everytime we go out she gets absolutely wasted and I have to spend the whole night taking care of her instead of having fun. This isn’t just the 'I’m going on an adventure’ drunk either, last time she started lashing out at a friend because she was talking to the guy my bsf rejected

- criticize literally everything. Don’t think this needs much explaining.

- Doesn’t give a shit about anything I say. If I try to talk to her about something that’s bothering me the only replies I get are 'oh’ and 'oops’ and then she just starts talking about herself. Keep in mind if she needs me I often stay up until 4 am talking to her and calming her down

- She constantly complains to me how no one listens to her, no one is there for her, she has no friends, and half the time she calls me to tell me she wants to talk to someone else but they didn’t pick up. As said before I stay up late trying to help her so constantly getting these speeches honestly feels so bad.

I absolutely hate talking about friends behind their backs but I really needed to get this of my chest so I figured this was the best place for it

I present to you: European breakfast, sad girl lunch, and peaky blinders dinner I should not be allowed to live alone

I don’t even like smoking tbh, just do it because it makes me nauseous

Me: you didn’t need to spy on me and follow me to the bathroom, if you were suspicious you could have just asked me if I have an ED, I promise I would have been honest!

Also me whenever someone asks if I have an ED:

so happy that i got my apple watch, it’s been my best investment this year…

19 weeks til summer

i want to change, i need to change. i can’t keep fucking around. i have been 50kgs before and i will be 50kgs again, i just need to put in more effort.

Oh no it’s summer…

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

may thinspo: ✨

I wish I was this thin and fragile, i could wear and short skirt and let my pretty thin legs hang out, it seems so free no one would judge me I could wear anything

mariesmoonlitmindset:

AHAGGAHSHSSHSH

tasty-panda22:

reason to recover #1

so that when someone asks me what i’ve eaten, my first thought isn’t a number

Catch me going through every self harm and suicide tag to lift people up and offer someone for them to talk to, because in 2019 I am not standing by anymore.

And don’t think I won’t find you I will.

Obwohl ich mit der Essstörung schon am Abgrund stand, schon einmal die Entscheidung zwischen leben und sterben treffen musste, kann ich sie nicht komplett loslassen und sehne mich nach der Zeit, wo ich dünn war und mein Magen knurrte.

So my mom is doing like a two week fast with a break in between for Christmas dinner. Which means my dad is going to be in charge of dinner, which means getting food delivered to eat and not eating together at the kitchen table. This is my chance to skip dinner as much as I please, and secretly fast with my mom.

I’m so happy. So this morning when I woke up my collarbones were more prominent than usual, and I had less back fat. Stepped on the scale just now, 135.00. I’ve hit my GW2 and my pre-quarantine weight. I’ve officially lost the 22 pounds I gained!

i went from 130 to 124 to 122 in a matter of 3 days. don’t trust the scale yall

~ signs someone may be an anorexia fetishist ~

• typically only post pictures of half- naked girls
• encourage you to send nude “body checks”
• pro ana
• encourages you to lose weight in unhealthy ways
• sends meanspo with no warning
• typically pretends to be an “ana coach”

pls stay safe & know who you’re dealing with in this community. i’ve was 12 when i made my first ana account, i sent countless body checks in my underwear to people on the internet who prey on young girls with eating disorders. this isn’t a joke. please be careful.

me: mom i think i’m gonna do keto

mom: wait aren’t you also going vegan?

me: ..yes

mom: ……

mom:

mom: i’m gonna make an appt with your psychiatrist

me: