I can’t wait for the day when I step on my scale and smile, because I’ve reached my ultimate goal weight.
I can’t wait for the day I hear the word ‘You’re so skinny!’.
I can’t wait for the day when I physically can’t eat more than a cup of food because I have trained my body to be thin and perfect.
I can’t wait for the day when my body would be enough to inspire others to get thin.
I can’t wait for the day I can use my pictures now and pictures then to show obvious progress.
I can’t wait for the day I get told that I need to ‘eat a burger or something’ because I will know that they are just jealous of how good I look skinny.
I can’t wait for the day that my friends look at me and tell me I look really small and light.
I can’t wait for the day when people much shorter than me can pick me up and tell me I’m super light and easy to carry.
I can’t wait for the day when my stretchmarks and scars look cute on me and show my progress instead of show my poor habits and diet choices.
I can’t wait for the day I can finally press my knees together and still have a massive gap between my thighs.
I can’t wait for the day I can cosplay a character with thigh high socks and not look like a tub of lard shoved into a tube.
I can’t wait for the day when I put on my current clothes and they are practically falling off of me.
I can’t wait for the day I get confessed to because I look so dainty, thin and perfect that no one can resist.
I can’t wait for the day I get a perfect jaw line so sharp that I can probably cut a bitch.
I can’t wait for the day I get perfectly prominent collar bones that only compliment my perfect, long, thin neck.
I can’t wait for the day I can see the slight outline of my ribs just above my breasts.
I can’t wait for the day I can count my ribs from the side and from behind.
I can’t wait for the day I can turn in bed and not have my thighs touch or my stomach flop and roll onto the bed.
I can’t wait for the day that my wrists and ankles are thin and bony like they should be.
I can’t wait for the day that I go to the gym and feel thin and perfect instead of insecure and fat.
I can’t wait for the day that I am skinny and perfect.
I can’t wait for the day that I am weightless.
I can’t wait for the day I will stop purging because I won’t need it anymore
But after 2 and a half years into my recovery, all at once I fell back into my anorexic hole again.
Sure there have been ups and downs along the way where I would relaps and start restricting my calories to my usual 1,200, but it never lasted for very long. But now, it’s worse than ever, and it’s nothing like it was before. I’m not refusing to eat because I feel depressed, or as a coping mechanism like I was before. I’m starving myself without even realizing it, it’s like I FORGET to eat now, whereas before, food was my entire life morning, noon and night. I would dedicate hours of my day just to calculating everything down to the tiniest gram, and drink copious amounts of water just to keep myself from eating, while still thinking about food. I’m even forgetting to drink water lately. It’s like my mind fixated on one specific activity per day, and I forget about everything else until I get tired and decide it’s bed time.
At night is when I usually remember, like “my head hurts, oh yeah, I should eat!” And I’ll eat like, a couple bites of somthing or some broth because I just…am NOT hungry? I have no appetite? And I don’t know WHY or HOW? But I can feel my body suffering because I’m NOT EATING. Or like I’ll realize how dry and uncomfortable my mouth is like “oop, better take 2 sips of coolaid to hydrate and keep myself awake”.
It’s only been like this for maybe 2 weeks, Maybe a bit less, but I’ve already went from 139 to 125 (I’m fairly certain it’s not fat weight, but like, water weight and digestive weight). And on one hand I’m so happy! On the other hand, I’m back tracking. All my progress, all the things I was enjoying. I actually was ENJOYING eating food, and I’d drink full fat soda! And I didn’t care about the calories for so long! But now even though it’s only been about 2 weeks, I can already feel everything going backwards in familiar ways. Even though I am forgetting to eat, when I actually do take a bite of somthing, again, I have no appetite. But one day I forced myself to eat some rice, shrimp, and an egg fried in butter. And I felt so, GUILTY afterwards. And that made me so sad because I haven’t felt quite like THAT in so long. And it was soooo good, I just wanted to enjoy it and go about my day. But I remember I just wolfed it down because it tasted so freaking good, that I didn’t really get to savor it and- then it was gone and then I felt hollow and like I did somthing bad.
Then to make that a bit worse, after I ate that, I drank some laxatives- somthing I have not done for quite a long time. And I was really disappointed in myself, because I hadn’t done it for so long, but also because it made me feel better. But I know these things are hurting me and that’s why I’m so upset with myself. I’m so ashamed because it’s like all that progress went down the drain. Bumps in the road are normal and fine, and relapses absolutely do happen, and that’s ok and not a reason to give up, and I know it’s not the end of the world! It’s just, hard, when you see progress crumble and you don’t understand why.
Alls you gotta do it yell at me and next thing you know I’m downing laxatives and purging my guts out. I don’t know why, but I can’t handle anyone being unhappy with me. I can’t handle being fussed at or being disliked, even though, it doesn’t hurt anymore, it’s like my mind just immediately goes to “well, time to throw up” in those moments, even if I’m not sad.
I get confused and irritated, but it doesn’t scare or hurt me anymore. Just, gotta make myself throw up and starve for a few days then I’m a-ok again
Two whole years without relapsing, and I’ve fallen right back into old habits. I’m both happy and sad, I’ve gained all my weight back, I was healthy, dare I say happy? And now here I am again.
not sure if this will help anyone, but a small little trick that i use to help me go to sleep faster when i’m hungry: i drink so much water til the point that my stomach hurts and then i fall asleep faster cause u sleep faster on a full stomach.
So I stopped exercising, restricting and purging for quite a while now. This past week has been really shitty and I’m kinda having a relapse and I’m kinda sorta very disgusting. I’m still the same weight as when I stopped all my bad behaviour, but I’ve gotten a lot bigger due to muscles shrinking and more fat taking over my body. I started fasting, exercising and writing in my journal and stuff and I hope to continue to do so in the future.
Right now I’m looking for effective exercises, foods, tips and tricks to melt all of this fat off fast. If you could leave a note it would be greatly appreciated :)
So I was in the shower pretending to be a singer as everyone does in the shower and I started making these gestures with my hands. There was this one part of the song I was singing that went “makes me wanna spill my guts out” and I stuck 2 fingers in my mouth. I went like…oh?? and it reminded me of when I used to purge. I didnt wanna do it again but I stuck my fingers back in anyway and barfed a lil in the shower. It felt so wrong but it felt so good. Had this moment where I held some of the food in my hand and just looked at it and it was so disgusting but I couldn’t stop looking at it.
~~If I ever get thin like them I’ve considered presenting female (I’m non-binary masc presenting) just bc why the fuck not they look gorgeous why can’t I?
