I don’t know if Im happy or sad

But after 2 and a half years into my recovery, all at once I fell back into my anorexic hole again.

Sure there have been ups and downs along the way where I would relaps and start restricting my calories to my usual 1,200, but it never lasted for very long. But now, it’s worse than ever, and it’s nothing like it was before. I’m not refusing to eat because I feel depressed, or as a coping mechanism like I was before. I’m starving myself without even realizing it, it’s like I FORGET to eat now, whereas before, food was my entire life morning, noon and night. I would dedicate hours of my day just to calculating everything down to the tiniest gram, and drink copious amounts of water just to keep myself from eating, while still thinking about food. I’m even forgetting to drink water lately. It’s like my mind fixated on one specific activity per day, and I forget about everything else until I get tired and decide it’s bed time.

At night is when I usually remember, like “my head hurts, oh yeah, I should eat!” And I’ll eat like, a couple bites of somthing or some broth because I just…am NOT hungry? I have no appetite? And I don’t know WHY or HOW? But I can feel my body suffering because I’m NOT EATING. Or like I’ll realize how dry and uncomfortable my mouth is like “oop, better take 2 sips of coolaid to hydrate and keep myself awake”.

It’s only been like this for maybe 2 weeks, Maybe a bit less, but I’ve already went from 139 to 125 (I’m fairly certain it’s not fat weight, but like, water weight and digestive weight). And on one hand I’m so happy! On the other hand, I’m back tracking. All my progress, all the things I was enjoying. I actually was ENJOYING eating food, and I’d drink full fat soda! And I didn’t care about the calories for so long! But now even though it’s only been about 2 weeks, I can already feel everything going backwards in familiar ways. Even though I am forgetting to eat, when I actually do take a bite of somthing, again, I have no appetite. But one day I forced myself to eat some rice, shrimp, and an egg fried in butter. And I felt so, GUILTY afterwards. And that made me so sad because I haven’t felt quite like THAT in so long. And it was soooo good, I just wanted to enjoy it and go about my day. But I remember I just wolfed it down because it tasted so freaking good, that I didn’t really get to savor it and- then it was gone and then I felt hollow and like I did somthing bad.

Then to make that a bit worse, after I ate that, I drank some laxatives- somthing I have not done for quite a long time. And I was really disappointed in myself, because I hadn’t done it for so long, but also because it made me feel better. But I know these things are hurting me and that’s why I’m so upset with myself. I’m so ashamed because it’s like all that progress went down the drain. Bumps in the road are normal and fine, and relapses absolutely do happen, and that’s ok and not a reason to give up, and I know it’s not the end of the world! It’s just, hard, when you see progress crumble and you don’t understand why.

Anyways,

PLEASE REMEMBER TO EAT WELL,

HYDRATE,

STAY SAFE,

AND TO TAKE YOUR MEDICINE AS PRESCRIBED!

Wanna know something I always find stupidly ironic?

Every day, no matter what, I always ask my friends and family members if they had eaten.

“Hey hun, did you eat lunch yet?”

“Make sure you get somthing in you”

“Drink some water!”

“Oh honey you gotta have somthing, you’ve been working all day!”

“What’d you have? Oooo that sounds good!”

Yet not a single person. Not a single time. Did anyone ask me that in return. I know it’s stupid and self pitying as hell, but damn. Wouldn’t it be nice if someone asked.

If there’s one sure fire way I know I’m fat, it’s that no one ever has to make sure that I eat.

Does anyone else turn up their music just because u think it makes u run better, even when it’s just making me more deaf.

When the nightmare you had about bingeing was quite the yummy breakfast

Going back between recovery and not recovering is killing me cause I’m getting rid of progress and not fixing my mental health

Me hoping that I don’t feel the binge the next morning

When people start getting concerned and ur no where near your goal weight

When people wanting you to eat makes you want to eat less

I love how I binged like an animal right before I’m suppose to take pictures for an event

Ayo looking for an ana buddy/Ana coach that’s doesn’t mind if I don’t send pics cause I just need motivation. I’m 5’6” sw:145, cw:125, gw:95

I also don’t care whether or not my Ana buddy has the same stats as me

When you take a break from thinspo and go on Instagram and you just see beautiful skinny people

I’m am actually starting to pray for a thigh gap, I just want it so badly. I’m so close but so far

I like waiting a week or two between weighing myself while restricting cause everytime I get such a seratonin rush when I’ve even lost half a pound

Pretending you love food so no one is suspicious

Me being jealous of my friend who has a small waist and loads of people who like her

I feel like when I’m restricting time is different like it’s a quick blur I can’t remember. I kinda like it that way

I hate that I can pinch such a large portion of my fat, I just want it gone