This Is Super Fuqed Up

This whole post is literally just a pity party, I’m so sorry

But I’m working as an assistant to this athletics club for teens and kids (ikr? GREAT place for an ED sufferer to work), and I usually do that during the summers. And I’m fairly familiar with all the kids. Anyway. What’s really fucked up, is how upset I am/was about the lack of comments I got on my weight loss? (And whats fucked up is, why do I feel this way? That is SO toxic! Like I feel awful that I’m disappointed about not getting the attention I wanted. And I’m literally so sorry for that) I’ve literally hit my LOWEST WEIGHT EVER and was kind of expecting more people to comment on it… only one parent did, which made me really happy cuz she’s always been so sweet to me “oh my gosh look at you lost weight! Look at me, I lost weight too yes?” She’s ADORABLE I love her so much. But idk. I guess just the lack of attention just made me feel like I haven’t lost ENOUGH weight. Like I’m not THIN enough. Like I don’t look SICK enough.. which i know it’s so awful for me to think that way, I KNOW it’s awful to think that way, and I know it’s not valid in any sense just.. I can’t HELP it and I feel guilty about that.

And then on top of that. Another girl lost like a TON of weight, and I can tell I weigh less than her still, and the sick part of my mind is super happy about that, but, I felt overshadowed? Like. Not good enough? Like I didn’t make the impact I wanted. And that all just topped off the absolute verbal slashing that my mom gave me just before I headed out the door to head to the athletics place. Like, guys she went OFF on me, saying how I “just make everything so much harder just by being here” because I turned her fan back on for her after I was done vacuuming?????? Ummm??? Ok ‍♀️

This day just… It wasn’t what I thought it would be, even though I didn’t even realize I had expectations for it. I was ultimately going to be let down either way though, you know? because. What was I expecting? Who’s gunna just walk right up and tell me I lost so much weight, you know? I couldn’t expect people to go and do that. And.. idk, who knows… maybe I haven’t lost as much weight as I think. Like, maybe you can’t SEE it as much as I hope.

I will say though, I really appreciate the manager for realizing the anxiety my mother was giving me when she kept hovering over me while he was trying to have a private conversation with me at one point, and took it upon himself to tell my mom to go back inside. It was small but that really meant so much to me. And he also ASKED me if I felt comfortable with taking on a few extra responsibilities, where as my mother just TOLD me I was going to. It really, really meant a lot to me.

I talked to a guy that is interested in me about my anorexia and he really had the audacity:

“Oh yeah I feel like that sometimes too, like I won’t feel like eating breakfast sometimes”

Like wtf man. No.

Wanna know something I always find stupidly ironic?

Every day, no matter what, I always ask my friends and family members if they had eaten.

“Hey hun, did you eat lunch yet?”

“Make sure you get somthing in you”

“Drink some water!”

“Oh honey you gotta have somthing, you’ve been working all day!”

“What’d you have? Oooo that sounds good!”

Yet not a single person. Not a single time. Did anyone ask me that in return. I know it’s stupid and self pitying as hell, but damn. Wouldn’t it be nice if someone asked.

If there’s one sure fire way I know I’m fat, it’s that no one ever has to make sure that I eat.

Took me this long th realise that my mother, “wanting the best for me” was really just fat shaming, who knew

Me and my ana buddy when the science teacher is talking about nutrition and they are looking right at us

I just had a panic attack while in line buying food and put everything back and I can’t tell if it was from my ed or social anxiety

What the fuck are these genetics

My ed really making me compare myself to the opposite gender even tho they naturally built smaller

I realised that one of the main reasons I love school is that I can starve easier there and I dont have a pantry full of free food the gorge myself on

And yes, even though my mum bought me some sugar-free wheat bread I would still prefer “Plain *Ice cold* black coffee (Sugar-free)” because I trust what I see than what is labeled from the grocery. Yea I don’t trust food just like guys.

FACT:

NEVER… Yes N-E-V-E-R rely to someone or somebody on the progress that you want to achieve.. Most of the people I know in this community are either Pervert Ana Coach or playing cool ana coach low-key pervert acting like there’s no malice in their system but they are actually after for your body checks while you on the other hand don’t see it in a negative way without even realizing these bastards urge to jerk off..

Porque atragantandome con comida hasta no poder respirar estoy bien

Porque tirando toda mi comida a la basura te digo que estoy bien

Porque mientras me lavo las manos después de vomitar te voy a decir que estoy bien

Con un ataque de ansiedad y luego llorar en el suelo durante dos horas igual te sonrio y estoy bien

Cuando no recuerdo lo que pasó estoy bien

Porque cuando corre mi propia sangre estoy bien

Cuando apreto tan fuerte mis puños hasta que mis uñas quedan marcadas en mis palmas aún estoy bien

Cuando rompo mis cosas estoy bien

Porque a pesar de que me hacen menos con palabras y actos a diario estoy muy bien

Porque a pesar de reírme estoy bien

Cuando los consuelo, los escucho, los abrazo, los ánimo siempre estoy bien

YO SIEMPRE ESTOY BIEN

SIEMPRE ESTOY BIEN

PORQUE SOY FELIZ Y ESTOY BIEN

PORQUE DEBO VERME BIEN Y ESTAR BIEN

Lmao why do people follow me I’m just a sad bitch with food issues

butterflyanaa:

I may not have friends irl but I always have ed tumblr

THIS, I LOVE YALL <3

questions for the ED community

1) does anyone in your family know about your disorder?

2) have you ever been for outpatient therapy?

3)have you ever been for inpatient therapy?

4)how long have you had your ed for?

5)do you consider your ED something of a friend?

6) what does it feel like to actually be at your gw

7)if you could be anything in the world other than “skinny” what would it be? (childhood dreams etc)

8) does anyone else in your family have eds?

9)have you hit rock bottom of your ed, if so why was it your rock bottom?

10)how has your eds effected your relationships?

11)what have you had to give up for your ed?

featherlight4:

ahajdjjgghh

Me crying in the grocery store bc I saw all the food I knew I can’t eat. Bc I know I will fast a unhealthy time and puke everything out I eat. Just chasing a body goal I will never reach but it’s the only way I don’t hate myself. Knowing I will cry in the shower still wearing a big sweater bc I can’t see myself.

My dad wondering why I cry while starring at some mac and cheese

☆.。.:* Things to do instead of eating　.。.:*☆

Ps: this is to avoid binges, please don’t read if you’re easily triggered.

★ Reading.

★ Paint your nails.

★ Bake something for someone.

★ Go for a walk.

★ Go shopping.

★ Play a videogame.

★ Clean your room.

★ Cleo your closet.

★ Donate old stuff.

★ Watch mukbangs.

★ Dance.

★ Do your makeup, take some selfies.

★ Wash your dishes, clothes etc.

★ Take a nice bath.

★ Try a new hairstyle.

★ FaceTime a friend.

★ Take a nap if you’re tired.

★ Finish up some homework.

I hope this helps, stay safe, ily.

zagubionaduszyczka0:

Dlaczego muszę schudnąć

1. Żeby łydki były idealnie smukłe
2. Żeby z ud nie zwisał tłuszcz
3. Żeby mieć thig gap
4. Żeby kości biodrowe były widoczne już przez spodnie
5. Żeby brzuch był idealnie płaski
6. Żeby każde rzebro było widoczne
7. Żeby ramiona było można obiac w palce
8. Żeby nadgarstek był kruchy
9. Żeby palce były smukłe
10. Żeby móc ubrać crop top
11. Żeby nosić krótkie spodenki
12. Żeby we wszystkim wyglądać idealnie
13. Żeby wszystkie ciuchy były luźne
14. Żeby nikt nie powiedział o mnie “ta gruba”
15. Żeby nie wstydzić się cyfr na wadze
16. Żeby każdy się zastanawiał jak doszłam do tej figury
17. Żeby każdy mi zazdrościł figury
18. Żeby nie słyszeć przykrych słów
19. Żeby iść spokojnie na basen
20. Żeby martwili się czy coś jem
21. Żeby bali się mnie skrzywdzić
22. Żeby mówili o mnie “ta chuda”
23. Żeby każdy na mnie patrzył kiedy mowa o lekkich osobach
24. Żeby pójść do nowej szkoły jako ideał
25. Żeby udowodnić innym że potrafię
26. Żeby im było głupio
27. Żeby rodzice już nigdy nie powiedzieli ze powinnam schudnąć
28. Żeby słyszeć pochwały
29. Żeby widzieć podziw
30. ŻEBY NIE ZAWIEŚĆ ANY

OMFGGGGG. I NEED NEED NEEEEED to lose weight to make a pretty girl like me. PLEASEEEE let me gain some motivation to starve again finally.

Any grown mentally ill bitches from EDblr wanna be in an unhealthy friendship where we never shut up?

I’m a 23-year-old (gender-questioning) AFAB bi/queer, I’m dx with ADHD and BPD, and I’m (objectively) fat with a dead ED blog, lol.