If your mental state was a song,

what song would it be?

This Is Super Fuqed Up

This whole post is literally just a pity party, I’m so sorry

But I’m working as an assistant to this athletics club for teens and kids (ikr? GREAT place for an ED sufferer to work), and I usually do that during the summers. And I’m fairly familiar with all the kids. Anyway. What’s really fucked up, is how upset I am/was about the lack of comments I got on my weight loss? (And whats fucked up is, why do I feel this way? That is SO toxic! Like I feel awful that I’m disappointed about not getting the attention I wanted. And I’m literally so sorry for that) I’ve literally hit my LOWEST WEIGHT EVER and was kind of expecting more people to comment on it… only one parent did, which made me really happy cuz she’s always been so sweet to me “oh my gosh look at you lost weight! Look at me, I lost weight too yes?” She’s ADORABLE I love her so much. But idk. I guess just the lack of attention just made me feel like I haven’t lost ENOUGH weight. Like I’m not THIN enough. Like I don’t look SICK enough.. which i know it’s so awful for me to think that way, I KNOW it’s awful to think that way, and I know it’s not valid in any sense just.. I can’t HELP it and I feel guilty about that.

And then on top of that. Another girl lost like a TON of weight, and I can tell I weigh less than her still, and the sick part of my mind is super happy about that, but, I felt overshadowed? Like. Not good enough? Like I didn’t make the impact I wanted. And that all just topped off the absolute verbal slashing that my mom gave me just before I headed out the door to head to the athletics place. Like, guys she went OFF on me, saying how I “just make everything so much harder just by being here” because I turned her fan back on for her after I was done vacuuming?????? Ummm??? Ok ‍♀️

This day just… It wasn’t what I thought it would be, even though I didn’t even realize I had expectations for it. I was ultimately going to be let down either way though, you know? because. What was I expecting? Who’s gunna just walk right up and tell me I lost so much weight, you know? I couldn’t expect people to go and do that. And.. idk, who knows… maybe I haven’t lost as much weight as I think. Like, maybe you can’t SEE it as much as I hope.

I will say though, I really appreciate the manager for realizing the anxiety my mother was giving me when she kept hovering over me while he was trying to have a private conversation with me at one point, and took it upon himself to tell my mom to go back inside. It was small but that really meant so much to me. And he also ASKED me if I felt comfortable with taking on a few extra responsibilities, where as my mother just TOLD me I was going to. It really, really meant a lot to me.

Two whole years without relapsing, and I’ve fallen right back into old habits. I’m both happy and sad, I’ve gained all my weight back, I was healthy, dare I say happy? And now here I am again.

Will I never learn?

I still have a whole lot pent up inside.

I get so offended when a guy comes along and immediately assumes I need his help to deal with what I got going on. I don’t NEED your help, man.

I don’t fucking, GET, this family. I don’t get my PARENTS. I get my grandmother, and SOMEWHAT my brother. But in the end I feel like they’re all just out for themselves. They don’t care how other people feel. They never think they did anything wrong. Im childish because I get upset about being called a liar, and then am called childish because I have fucking EMOTIONS *gasp* I know right? How inconvenient! I have fucking FEELINGS how HORRID. Like, these bitches. Calm the heck DOWN. We were ALL subjugated to a very big disaster. We are ALL stressed. It’s not just you. (You as in my family)

Whenever I try and dress kind of nice or stylish, those are always the days where my mom targets me and makes me feel horrible about myself.

What’s the weirdest diet you’ve ever been on?

I have literally went an entire week consuming nothing more thanrose petalsandtea.Don’t do this.

Every time I really need parental advice… I’m always met with either a “I don’t know what to say” or “I don’t know what you want me to say” ….. I need help.

My immediate response after consuming any amount of anything:

Mother: What’s that in your face? Did someone hit you?

Me: *fakely surprised* What? Oh no! I just slept on my fist is all. I bruise easy haha.

Mom: K.

I just told my mom that I can’t do this anymore, all the games and the lies. And that I wouldn’t be getting in the way anymore and that no one will have to be bothered by me anymore right after saying that I’m not sure why I’m even alive anymore. And she…is so stupid. She said “what are you talking about?” And then “we have to get you signed up for classes” haha haha. My life is nothing but a joke. It’s a JOKE. Why am I such a coward why can’t I just DIE already?!

uncle-dre:

I always tell myself stuff like

“a funeral would cost a lot of money and would inconvenience everyone, also if you aren’t here to take care of your pet they will most likely neglect her or give her away, so you better stay for now”

I literally cannot even bring myself to move unless I pop an adderall, and I hate it.

When people make those faces, you know the ones, when you DO or SAY somthing ‘strange’ are pure anxiety fuel.

Why can’t people just SHUT UP and let me SLEEP

“ When did they stop trying to understand you?”

Honey, I don’t think they ever bothered to START.

Shower Thoughts

The relationship I have with my body is extremely odd and abusive, like obviously I starve myself and yo-yo binge and purge and all that. Self harm and the verbal and mental abuse I throw at myself is a given. But then I realized, I am also extremely protective over my body like, I don’t want people looking at me, rarely do I want them for all to me, and I hate when I’m touched.

If this were a dating relationship, I would have broken up with them right away. My body probably wants to break up with me for how bad I treat it. Maybe that’s why I think about suicide, because that’s my body telling me it isn’t happy with this relationship and wants out of it.

To make myself feel better when I’m worrying about someone being mad at me, I just tell myself:

“Well it’s not like it matters, they hate you either way”

And it’s just so pitiful.

Guys, my family….are a bunch a frickin’ dense idiots sometimes.

They’re smart in the wrong places and dumb in others.

Determined in the most idiotic moments and careless in the ones that mean the most.

Just…god I wish I had enough patience to write you guys the whole story of what a drama show this family is, but there’s not enough adhd medication in the world for that. Like, I try to warn them “don’t do this” or “perhaps word that differently” and what do they do? They go and be stupid anyway and guess who’s caught up in the middle? Me. Bro, I just want to live in PEACE!

It’s okay if you have hunger swings. Remember that this is your body trying to heal. Listen to it’s cues, eat as much as you need to.

Well i figured out something

If i wanna lose so much weight to look androgynous, if i hate having tiddies and it makes me anxious and sad, if i wanna look like a boy most of the time but still wanna look like a girl sometimes, if i want people to use other pronouns than she, if i’m often thinking of another, less feminine name, if i hesitate to buy a binder, if i have body dysphoria

Maybe it’s not just bc i have an ed, not bc i’m fucked up, not bc i’m a faking bitch feeling this for attention (lmao the logic here)

It’s because i’m non binary :)

(i’m simultaneously happy to figure this out and to finally put words on it, but scared of enbyphobia, transphobia, feeling invalid/à fraud, and sad bc it’s a main reason why i’m stuck into my ed but this time it’s not a temporary thing)

So where u at my nb and trans and queer and gender non conforming and non cis folks i wanna make friends ;-;

I remember a moment when I was at my lw (dangerously low) that made me realize how fucked up my ed and body dismorphia were.

I was naked in front of the mirror, disgusted by how large my chest was. I was squeezing my torso to see how much fat I had and how I’d look if I’d lose it.

And then I realized I didn’t have any fat left there. What was too large for my ed was my ribcage. I was a fucking skeleton trying to get skinnier and even bones seemed too much.

And despite knowing I was deadly sick, desperate, lonely and suicidal, a part of me wants to go to that weight and body so bad. And I’m slowly relapsing again, saying I’m just trying to “lose some weight” when in reality I wanna be a skeleton again.

Lmao my dumb ass really thought I could stick to my reasonable 1000cal/day meal plan without bingeing

I’m such a fool

I managed to do it for 2 weeks without bingeing tho (which I’m kinda proud of btw!), but I’ve quickly cut out my breakfast and decreased my dinner to <200 cals on the 2nd week (so I was eating ~500cals/day)

I felt overwhelmed by the idea of eating nearly 1000cals bc I don’t workout and always think I don’t need/deserve that much food.

And tbh I don’t see any changes in the mirror neither in my clothes so I thought I should speed up my weight loss

BUT I’ve binged on Friday evening of my 3rd week and ate the leftovers of this binge the next day too

Then I kept my meal plan for the following week, but kept it at ~500cals instead of 1000. And yesterday I had to buy chips and beers bc I was spending the night with a friend at their place. I knew when I was going to the store that I would buy binge foods and would eat it before seeing them.

I ate too much and was really guilty and depressed, and also ate too much at their place. And today I went back at my place and ate some cookies I bought for the binge.

So basically I’m a piece of shit rn. All my restriction of the 4th week has been vain bc I ate more than the amount I restricted for 7 fucking days.

Next week I’m planning on eating under 500cals/day every day and I CAN’T binge on my 5th weekend I really need to have some self control.

I need to lose 10kg by the end of January 2021. I need to workout. I need to stop bingeing. I need to eat whole foods. I need to allow myself low cal treats without eating the whole grocery store.

I need to go back to my lw, which means I must lose 24kg.

Here is my current meal plan!

It’s low in fat and sugar, budget friendly (less than 30€/week), meal prepped

I eat less than 1000cals/day so this makes room for when I see my friends and it wasn’t planned (it’s beers mostly lmao)

• Breakfast (20-200 cals)

I usually don’t have time and just drink a coffee with milk but sometimes I make oats :

50g oats, 60ml milk, cinnamon, stevia (200)

• Lunch (400)

I make my lunches in advance (usually 2 days the night before) so it’s ready in the morning and I don’t have excuses like “oh I don’t have time to prepare lunch I’ll just eat at the cantine”

1 portion (200cals) of protein rich carbs : lentils, quinoa or red beans

1 portion (140cals) of protein : 2 eggs, chicken, tofu, tuna, soja meat

1 portion (60cals) of seasonal veggies of choice

Plenty of water, black coffee and tea throughout the day

• Dinner (200-400)

I’m lazy and don’t feel like cooking dinner and next lunches the evening bc I get home late, so I usually eat something light and convenient

Soup, fresh or canned veggies, fruits, pre-made meals or salads

If I crave something sweet, instead of buying and eating a whole cereal box or several cookies packs like I used to do, i now force myself to eat tangerines, oatmeal or chocolate covered rice cakes (they’re 60 cals each), and drink coffee or tea with sweetener and have a piece of gum

I’m not ready to buy sweet/fatty/junk foods again bc I know I’ll eat it in 1 sitting, so I stay away from it for now

If I’m really hungry, really craving something or feeling weak, I choose to eat!! I know eating more once or twice a week won’t be as bad as restricting too low and then having huge binges! It’s way worst to starve and binge bc y'all know it’s a never ending hell

And eating 1000 cals/day will definitely make you lose weight (it’s already a low intake), and it will be easier to keep it going

Goals can be reached with patience and consistency :)

Soooo after months of trying to lose weight and gaining instead bc i’m stucked in a binge/restrict cycle

I’ve finally decided to increase my planned intake! I was used to plan 400cals/day and always ended having massive binges multiples times per week

I’ve made a 1000cals/day planning for a week and didn’t binge once!! I haven’t succeed to maintain a realistic meal plan without bingeing for months!

I’m so proud rn, I should lose 10kg by the end of January by keeping it on, I really hope I’ll be able to do it!

I’ll try to be more active on tumblr to keep me motivated :)

being chronically ill whilst having an ed is the most exhausting shit ever

i would sell my kidneys, kill my family, stub all my toes, walk on legos, and sell my souls to the devil to look like goddamn kendall jenner

anyone else have the problem where their constantly in a calorie deficit (i eat around 500-700 calories a day without realizing it) but i’m still gaining weight wtf how do i fix this???