#bulimik

I don’t know if Im happy or sad

But after 2 and a half years into my recovery, all at once I fell back into my anorexic hole again.

Sure there have been ups and downs along the way where I would relaps and start restricting my calories to my usual 1,200, but it never lasted for very long. But now, it’s worse than ever, and it’s nothing like it was before. I’m not refusing to eat because I feel depressed, or as a coping mechanism like I was before. I’m starving myself without even realizing it, it’s like I FORGET to eat now, whereas before, food was my entire life morning, noon and night. I would dedicate hours of my day just to calculating everything down to the tiniest gram, and drink copious amounts of water just to keep myself from eating, while still thinking about food. I’m even forgetting to drink water lately. It’s like my mind fixated on one specific activity per day, and I forget about everything else until I get tired and decide it’s bed time.

At night is when I usually remember, like “my head hurts, oh yeah, I should eat!” And I’ll eat like, a couple bites of somthing or some broth because I just…am NOT hungry? I have no appetite? And I don’t know WHY or HOW? But I can feel my body suffering because I’m NOT EATING. Or like I’ll realize how dry and uncomfortable my mouth is like “oop, better take 2 sips of coolaid to hydrate and keep myself awake”.

It’s only been like this for maybe 2 weeks, Maybe a bit less, but I’ve already went from 139 to 125 (I’m fairly certain it’s not fat weight, but like, water weight and digestive weight). And on one hand I’m so happy! On the other hand, I’m back tracking. All my progress, all the things I was enjoying. I actually was ENJOYING eating food, and I’d drink full fat soda! And I didn’t care about the calories for so long! But now even though it’s only been about 2 weeks, I can already feel everything going backwards in familiar ways. Even though I am forgetting to eat, when I actually do take a bite of somthing, again, I have no appetite. But one day I forced myself to eat some rice, shrimp, and an egg fried in butter. And I felt so, GUILTY afterwards. And that made me so sad because I haven’t felt quite like THAT in so long. And it was soooo good, I just wanted to enjoy it and go about my day. But I remember I just wolfed it down because it tasted so freaking good, that I didn’t really get to savor it and- then it was gone and then I felt hollow and like I did somthing bad.

Then to make that a bit worse, after I ate that, I drank some laxatives- somthing I have not done for quite a long time. And I was really disappointed in myself, because I hadn’t done it for so long, but also because it made me feel better. But I know these things are hurting me and that’s why I’m so upset with myself. I’m so ashamed because it’s like all that progress went down the drain. Bumps in the road are normal and fine, and relapses absolutely do happen, and that’s ok and not a reason to give up, and I know it’s not the end of the world! It’s just, hard, when you see progress crumble and you don’t understand why.

Anyways,

PLEASE REMEMBER TO EAT WELL,

HYDRATE,

STAY SAFE,

AND TO TAKE YOUR MEDICINE AS PRESCRIBED!

Me and my ana buddy when the science teacher is talking about nutrition and they are looking right at us

Feeling like your stomach is full and how the food is digested is literally the worst

Porque atragantandome con comida hasta no poder respirar estoy bien

Porque tirando toda mi comida a la basura te digo que estoy bien

Porque mientras me lavo las manos después de vomitar te voy a decir que estoy bien

Con un ataque de ansiedad y luego llorar en el suelo durante dos horas igual te sonrio y estoy bien

Cuando no recuerdo lo que pasó estoy bien

Porque cuando corre mi propia sangre estoy bien

Cuando apreto tan fuerte mis puños hasta que mis uñas quedan marcadas en mis palmas aún estoy bien

Cuando rompo mis cosas estoy bien

Porque a pesar de que me hacen menos con palabras y actos a diario estoy muy bien

Porque a pesar de reírme estoy bien

Cuando los consuelo, los escucho, los abrazo, los ánimo siempre estoy bien

YO SIEMPRE ESTOY BIEN

SIEMPRE ESTOY BIEN

PORQUE SOY FELIZ Y ESTOY BIEN

PORQUE DEBO VERME BIEN Y ESTAR BIEN

FIRST OF ALL! Thank you to everyone that re-blogged my post about the serious consequences of bulimia. I am really happy that I can do my part to raise awareness and I’m so happy you all pitched in and exponentially spread it throughout the community. You all are amazing!

Now for the serious stuff…

I have been puking and having white foamy acid reflux every thirty seconds or so and constantly feel like I’m choking (which I got a comment saying that someone else had this and it made me feel not alone). I talked a little about this before in my other post. (please go look, its really important to repost to raise awareness for bulimia). I will most likely be having another endoscopy (camera down my throat) to assess what is going on in my esophagus, esophageal sphincter, stomach, and lower intestine. These procedures are not comfortable. They are not the romanticized part of eating disorders. They are not cute, fun, trendy, and cool. These are expensive consequences to my poor actions. Please stay safe and help raise awareness. 

Again, I am adding pro mia and other bulimia related tags to hopefully catch the eye of someone struggling and raise awareness of the chronic side effects. 

If you EVER need ANY SUPPORT, please DM ME! I will talk to you or give you advice or just be someone that listens to whatever you want to rant about. I understand this disease and it’s consequences and I want to help others before it’s too late.

some thinsp0 <3

some shitty ED memes <3

☆.｡.:* Low calorie fruits and their properties　.｡.:*☆

Ps:  please don’t read if you’re easily triggered.

★ Strawberries (53 cals per cup) : great source of vitamin C. High water percentage and fibre, therefore they won’t cause a big spike on blood sugar levels.

★ Peaches (60 cals per cup) : great amount of antioxidants, therefore aiding your body against disease. They aid digestion because of its fiber content. Finally, peaches have been shown to reduce allergy symptoms,

★ Grapefruit (74 cals per cup) : Because of its high vitamin C & A content it boosts your inmune system. Aids weight management,

★ Raspberries (64 cals per cup) : This fruit, my favorite out of the list, has an amazing amount of nutrients (all of this are measured by cup) ; 8 grams of fiber, 54% of the daily vitamin C intake and 41% of your daily Magnesium intake.

All of my sources for further info:

https://www.myfooddata.com/articles/low-calorie-fruits.php

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/peach-fruit-benefits#TOC_TITLE_HDR_7

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/foods/strawberries#benefits

https://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/health-benefits-grapefruit#1

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/raspberry-nutrition#nutrition

I hope this helps, stay safe, ily.

I am wayyyyy too insecure to post body checks but for any one curious about my progress, here’s a before and after of my face.

208lbs v.s 138lbs

I am nowhere near where I want to be but before and after helps me to stay motivated

Ed Twitter is going crazy over photo

Mom made dinner last night that I couldn’t get out of and it was well over 1000 cals and I’m still so depressed and disgusted over it.

I’m hoping to go to a friends house Saturday and secretly go to a party to just get high n wasted n I wanted to be 110 by then but now it probably won’t happen even if i do go :(((

Until you binge on cheese slices at 3am balling your eyes out abt missing your workouts cause you were just too tired you’ll NEVER be on my levelඞ

(And I pray to God you never are, this shit hurts)

This formatting looks kinda wonky, but it gets the point across‍♀️I wanna weigh cause Im paranoid but I cant cause parents are home.

I think I have a hernia causs there’s a squishy ball in my stomach that shows up after exercise that hurts and causes chest pain; so yeah I might die, and?

Havent weighed today, probably still weigh the same anyway.

Imma wear this for my senior pictures when the new dates come up since I missed dit the first time rip.

TW - Weight and Calories

My weight training class required my bmi so I had an excuse to weigh myself

I am now 113.2 lbs:)

.2 lbs away from my lw

Next gw 110 lbs

My only food for today will be Vegie Straws with the total being 360 And 8 carrots being 32

For a grand total of 392 (400) which is…pretty disappointing on my part tbh. I now have to do 2-3 rounds of my exercise routine.

I said that yesterday but could only do 2 cause my stomach hurts soooooo incredibly bad after I exercise now n my back shoulder area hurts and I feel achy and in a lil bit of pain

Unpopular opinion

But those shoes yall keep swooning over look whack n dirty as hell, stop it

Today my sister caught me puking in the bathroom, at first I thought that she would obviously tell them to my parents, but surprisingly she didn’t and only told me that she’ll keep the secret this time. I think that I was lucky, but I’m really worried in the inside. Do you have any advice for what can I do to don’t get caught again?

Love u, stay safe

not me, returning AGAIN, to ED tumblr