#bulimilk
This Is Super Fuqed Up
This whole post is literally just a pity party, I’m so sorry
But I’m working as an assistant to this athletics club for teens and kids (ikr? GREAT place for an ED sufferer to work), and I usually do that during the summers. And I’m fairly familiar with all the kids. Anyway. What’s really fucked up, is how upset I am/was about the lack of comments I got on my weight loss? (And whats fucked up is, why do I feel this way? That is SO toxic! Like I feel awful that I’m disappointed about not getting the attention I wanted. And I’m literally so sorry for that) I’ve literally hit my LOWEST WEIGHT EVER and was kind of expecting more people to comment on it… only one parent did, which made me really happy cuz she’s always been so sweet to me “oh my gosh look at you lost weight! Look at me, I lost weight too yes?” She’s ADORABLE I love her so much. But idk. I guess just the lack of attention just made me feel like I haven’t lost ENOUGH weight. Like I’m not THIN enough. Like I don’t look SICK enough.. which i know it’s so awful for me to think that way, I KNOW it’s awful to think that way, and I know it’s not valid in any sense just.. I can’t HELP it and I feel guilty about that.
And then on top of that. Another girl lost like a TON of weight, and I can tell I weigh less than her still, and the sick part of my mind is super happy about that, but, I felt overshadowed? Like. Not good enough? Like I didn’t make the impact I wanted. And that all just topped off the absolute verbal slashing that my mom gave me just before I headed out the door to head to the athletics place. Like, guys she went OFF on me, saying how I “just make everything so much harder just by being here” because I turned her fan back on for her after I was done vacuuming?????? Ummm??? Ok ♀️
This day just… It wasn’t what I thought it would be, even though I didn’t even realize I had expectations for it. I was ultimately going to be let down either way though, you know? because. What was I expecting? Who’s gunna just walk right up and tell me I lost so much weight, you know? I couldn’t expect people to go and do that. And.. idk, who knows… maybe I haven’t lost as much weight as I think. Like, maybe you can’t SEE it as much as I hope.
I will say though, I really appreciate the manager for realizing the anxiety my mother was giving me when she kept hovering over me while he was trying to have a private conversation with me at one point, and took it upon himself to tell my mom to go back inside. It was small but that really meant so much to me. And he also ASKED me if I felt comfortable with taking on a few extra responsibilities, where as my mother just TOLD me I was going to. It really, really meant a lot to me.
I talked to a guy that is interested in me about my anorexia and he really had the audacity:
“Oh yeah I feel like that sometimes too, like I won’t feel like eating breakfast sometimes”
Like wtf man. No.
I don’t know if Im happy or sad
But after 2 and a half years into my recovery, all at once I fell back into my anorexic hole again.
Sure there have been ups and downs along the way where I would relaps and start restricting my calories to my usual 1,200, but it never lasted for very long. But now, it’s worse than ever, and it’s nothing like it was before. I’m not refusing to eat because I feel depressed, or as a coping mechanism like I was before. I’m starving myself without even realizing it, it’s like I FORGET to eat now, whereas before, food was my entire life morning, noon and night. I would dedicate hours of my day just to calculating everything down to the tiniest gram, and drink copious amounts of water just to keep myself from eating, while still thinking about food. I’m even forgetting to drink water lately. It’s like my mind fixated on one specific activity per day, and I forget about everything else until I get tired and decide it’s bed time.
At night is when I usually remember, like “my head hurts, oh yeah, I should eat!” And I’ll eat like, a couple bites of somthing or some broth because I just…am NOT hungry? I have no appetite? And I don’t know WHY or HOW? But I can feel my body suffering because I’m NOT EATING. Or like I’ll realize how dry and uncomfortable my mouth is like “oop, better take 2 sips of coolaid to hydrate and keep myself awake”.
It’s only been like this for maybe 2 weeks, Maybe a bit less, but I’ve already went from 139 to 125 (I’m fairly certain it’s not fat weight, but like, water weight and digestive weight). And on one hand I’m so happy! On the other hand, I’m back tracking. All my progress, all the things I was enjoying. I actually was ENJOYING eating food, and I’d drink full fat soda! And I didn’t care about the calories for so long! But now even though it’s only been about 2 weeks, I can already feel everything going backwards in familiar ways. Even though I am forgetting to eat, when I actually do take a bite of somthing, again, I have no appetite. But one day I forced myself to eat some rice, shrimp, and an egg fried in butter. And I felt so, GUILTY afterwards. And that made me so sad because I haven’t felt quite like THAT in so long. And it was soooo good, I just wanted to enjoy it and go about my day. But I remember I just wolfed it down because it tasted so freaking good, that I didn’t really get to savor it and- then it was gone and then I felt hollow and like I did somthing bad.
Then to make that a bit worse, after I ate that, I drank some laxatives- somthing I have not done for quite a long time. And I was really disappointed in myself, because I hadn’t done it for so long, but also because it made me feel better. But I know these things are hurting me and that’s why I’m so upset with myself. I’m so ashamed because it’s like all that progress went down the drain. Bumps in the road are normal and fine, and relapses absolutely do happen, and that’s ok and not a reason to give up, and I know it’s not the end of the world! It’s just, hard, when you see progress crumble and you don’t understand why.
Anyways,
PLEASE REMEMBER TO EAT WELL,
HYDRATE,
STAY SAFE,
AND TO TAKE YOUR MEDICINE AS PRESCRIBED!
Wanna know something I always find stupidly ironic?
Every day, no matter what, I always ask my friends and family members if they had eaten.
“Hey hun, did you eat lunch yet?”
“Make sure you get somthing in you”
“Drink some water!”
“Oh honey you gotta have somthing, you’ve been working all day!”
“What’d you have? Oooo that sounds good!”
Yet not a single person. Not a single time. Did anyone ask me that in return. I know it’s stupid and self pitying as hell, but damn. Wouldn’t it be nice if someone asked.
If there’s one sure fire way I know I’m fat, it’s that no one ever has to make sure that I eat.
☆.。.:* Things to do instead of eating .。.:*☆
Ps: this is to avoid binges, please don’t read if you’re easily triggered.
★ Reading.
★ Paint your nails.
★ Bake something for someone.
★ Go for a walk.
★ Go shopping.
★ Play a videogame.
★ Clean your room.
★ Cleo your closet.
★ Donate old stuff.
★ Watch mukbangs.
★ Dance.
★ Do your makeup, take some selfies.
★ Wash your dishes, clothes etc.
★ Take a nice bath.
★ Try a new hairstyle.
★ FaceTime a friend.
★ Take a nap if you’re tired.
★ Finish up some homework.
I hope this helps, stay safe, ily.
im still migrated to @h0ll0 , thats the account i use. but i have more followers here so im saying it here.
we do not give a flying fuck u dumb cunts idc if im being mean ed’s are so competitive, i do not give a fucking shit how much u lose shut the fuck up r u trying to trigger everyone? not to mention it’s physically impossible to lose .5-1.5 lbs a day dumbass idcidcidc im a hater and a bad person im whatever u want me to be. but dont say this shit dumb cunts ed’s r literally competitive and u sound like a pick me bitch
I bought new underwear today but they don’t fit exactly how I wanted them to, so I’m going to try to see if they’ll fit right if I fast for an entire week (Sun-Sat)! Both of my parents are going to be out of town for the entire week too, so I don’t have to worry about any homecooked meals getting in my way!!
I’m gonna drink one last caloric drink before bed and then I’m going to use the toilet and weight myself after I wake up and log my new stats in a reblog of this post. See you guys (whoever sees this, if anyone) then!
Measured my new stats this morning and I wanna die. How’d I let myself reach obese status? I’m definitely making the right decision to fast this week.
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NEW STATS
Height: 5'2" (157cm)
Weight: 165.6lbs (75.1kg)
BF:31.8%
BMI: 30.3 (Obese)
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If things go well, I should be around 153lbs (69.4kg) with a BMI of around 28.0 at the end of my fast. Wish me luck; I’m gonna need it.
Okay, I’m a dumb bitch and keep failing really badly, so I’m changing my plans.
I’m gonna just stick to a few foods to snack on for the next couple of days, no meals or full plates, no cooked or processed food (besides dry cereal and crackers), and my drinks are limited to water, diet soda, and Arizona Lite (obviously that has calories, but I can’t help myself ). Anything outside of the base guidelines has be purged, NO EXCEPTIONS.
I wish I could have the same level of discipline to fast for days as I had before, but I guess I have to work myself back up to that level of control.
