#note to everyone
There was a plan. There had always been a plan. For as long as I could remember, I had everything all figured out - until it wasn’t. Every details was perfect. Every area was noted. Nothing could go wrong as long as I stuck to the plan. I was going to be okay. Everything was going to work out fine - until it didn’t, of course. I don’t even know what happened. I can’t pin point a specific moment where things just fell apart. I just know one moment, I was in the prime of my life, living it up. And, the next moment, everything around me was dark and crumbling to pathetic ashes. What happened to the plan? What happened to following every single detail on the list? What happened to seeing it all through until the end? I had a plan. I was supposed to stick to the plan. I was okay. Everything was going to be fine - until it wasn’t. I had everything under control. I had finally gained my freedom. I was comfortable in who I was becoming. I was confident in my ability to maintain. The world was in the palm of my hand. I had a plan. I had a solid plan for my life…or so I thought. I guess life had other plans for me because this plan that I created…yeah, it’s not going to work out. It’s ruined. And, to my own surprise…I’m not sad about. I’m relieved. Maybe, the plan was supposed to get ruined in order for me to plan my next adventure, afterwards. Because, there was a plan. There has always been a plan.
I know a lot of this doesn’t make sense. Your mind can’t even fathom nor begin to comprehend. Yet, I pray the conditions of this world and it’s ways, won’t harden your heart nor steal the humanness, love, & warmth that keeps you alive & well. We need more humans & less robots…
I won’t be afraid to begin again. The unknown & uncertainty of life may hit me, stop me, & make me question things; but, I won’t miss my opportunity to reestablish my self, trust my new beginning, & rebuild my foundation. I’ll take a chance on myself, just as I did everyone else.
What happened to you? You used to care about things of importance. What changed? What caused you to abandon your purpose & ignore your call - for something temporal? Where did it all go wrong? I know, it’s hard to ignore. Complex to explain & endure but, how’d you lose yourself?
There will be days when you’ll remember and days when you’ll forget. There will be days when you can feel it and days when you are numb. There will be days. So many days. Each one - a little better or worse. But, my sweet darling, there will be more days. And, that’s the blessing…
Darling, I know you have had many tough days and plenty of long nights. You have been hurt, confused, and lost, too. I know it feels like there’s no where to go and no one to run too. And, perhaps you’re right. However, being alone isn’t always a bad thing. It’s alone in the darkest places where all of the miracles happen! So, take a breath. Breathe for a minute. Take a look around you. You see the place your in and the conditions you’re enduring through? Beloved, all of that is going to change in due time. There will be no more dark days. No more cold nights. No more torture and torment. You don’t deserve that. No one does. Not from yourself or others. Not to yourself or others! You got to believe that. This is no way to live and you were never meant to endure through so much agony, despair, or hellish conditions. And, I’m telling you…it’s all going to get better. Every day will be a bit brighter. Every moment will hold great meaning. Each breath will have a reason to remind you that you are alive and well. You will feel powerful. You will be untouchable again. Your mind will be at ease. Your heart will begin to beat to the rhythm of it’s own drumming. Your voice will be used and elevated to volumes most haven’t even used. Your actions will impact the world and your reactions will change lives. You will rise again. You will stand upon your feet, grounded. You will step into position, rooted in your identity and truth. You will step up to every obstacle, every problem, every situation and circumstance - ready to find a solution and put a end to whatever challenge you may face. Yes, you might shed tears. Yes, you might shake. Yes, you might sweat. Yes, you might bleed. Yes, you might die. Yes, you might. But, it will all be worth it. It will all be worth it in the end. Today, you step out of the shadows and into the light. Today, you become who you are predestined to be and leave behind who you thought you were. Today, the chains of the labels and the opinions of others come off. Today. It’s all happening today! Right now, in this moment. You are free. You are able to walk away and never look back to those former things, ever again. But, only if you want too. No one can force you to want to be saved or healed. That’s a decision you have to make on your own. It starts in your heart, it moves to your mind, and it’s declared out of your mouth. You can do it, if you want too. All you have to do is believe that it is possible and that you’re worth such a change to begin. This is the process. This is the road to recover. This is the journey to being healed.
Darling, I see you busting your behind to get where you’re going. That hustle is in your blood, that grind is in your bones and that ambition is in your spirit. You’re always quiet but, your actions speak louder than words. You stay to yourself and keep everything on the low. You hate a audience cause you’re not trying to put on a show. You go to work. You get a bag. You never say much to the world. But still, I noticed your voice. I see your stance. You growing up and maturing over time, you’re becoming grand. Can’t say I’m not proud of you, I am, I can’t lie. I believe in you. I know your future’s bright. I’m rooting for you. Keep your eyes on the prize. You got this. Ain’t no need to deny your greatness. You better own it because I know you’re in-control of it. Be yourself and embrace you. Love yourself or no one else will. You’re healing the wounds, breaking the curses, and ridding yourself of your chains. You’re rebuilding yourself and recreating the life you always wanted. I’m so glad to see you succeeding, after being told you’ll never make it. You’ve done beyond that. I salute you! It’s all love, kid. I see you.
In the midst of trying to love myself, am I trying to love someone else? I tried this before and it didn’t work out. Should I do it, again? I’ve picked up majority of my shattered pieces. With a little bit of super glue, I’ve managed to put this heart of mine back together. It’s not perfect nor does it look like the norm but, it works and functions as purposed. No strings attached, it hasn’t been sown to my sleeve or unraveled by anybody. However, it’s chambers are still full and being cleaned every moment. I know it’s alot to consider and even more complicated to ponder but, I have to find an answer before I die of fear or embarrassment. Will hurt win and triumph over me with it’s scornful gloats? Or, is it possibly for me to sanely indulge in the life of others in pure joyful bliss while accepting new love through a dream of life’s best? This is the question left existing in me…
The people that are apart of your life, they’re a reflection of who you are. They each reflect a part of you and also hold a part of you that you are meant to become. So, take a look around. What do you see that you like and dislike? What do you desire to obtain from them the most or desire to rid them of? You’ll be suprise to know the answer and how it’s also how you see yourself…
