This Is Super Fuqed Up

This whole post is literally just a pity party, I’m so sorry

But I’m working as an assistant to this athletics club for teens and kids (ikr? GREAT place for an ED sufferer to work), and I usually do that during the summers. And I’m fairly familiar with all the kids. Anyway. What’s really fucked up, is how upset I am/was about the lack of comments I got on my weight loss? (And whats fucked up is, why do I feel this way? That is SO toxic! Like I feel awful that I’m disappointed about not getting the attention I wanted. And I’m literally so sorry for that) I’ve literally hit my LOWEST WEIGHT EVER and was kind of expecting more people to comment on it… only one parent did, which made me really happy cuz she’s always been so sweet to me “oh my gosh look at you lost weight! Look at me, I lost weight too yes?” She’s ADORABLE I love her so much. But idk. I guess just the lack of attention just made me feel like I haven’t lost ENOUGH weight. Like I’m not THIN enough. Like I don’t look SICK enough.. which i know it’s so awful for me to think that way, I KNOW it’s awful to think that way, and I know it’s not valid in any sense just.. I can’t HELP it and I feel guilty about that.

And then on top of that. Another girl lost like a TON of weight, and I can tell I weigh less than her still, and the sick part of my mind is super happy about that, but, I felt overshadowed? Like. Not good enough? Like I didn’t make the impact I wanted. And that all just topped off the absolute verbal slashing that my mom gave me just before I headed out the door to head to the athletics place. Like, guys she went OFF on me, saying how I “just make everything so much harder just by being here” because I turned her fan back on for her after I was done vacuuming?????? Ummm??? Ok ‍♀️

This day just… It wasn’t what I thought it would be, even though I didn’t even realize I had expectations for it. I was ultimately going to be let down either way though, you know? because. What was I expecting? Who’s gunna just walk right up and tell me I lost so much weight, you know? I couldn’t expect people to go and do that. And.. idk, who knows… maybe I haven’t lost as much weight as I think. Like, maybe you can’t SEE it as much as I hope.

I will say though, I really appreciate the manager for realizing the anxiety my mother was giving me when she kept hovering over me while he was trying to have a private conversation with me at one point, and took it upon himself to tell my mom to go back inside. It was small but that really meant so much to me. And he also ASKED me if I felt comfortable with taking on a few extra responsibilities, where as my mother just TOLD me I was going to. It really, really meant a lot to me.

When ur therapist confirms you might be faking suicidality and you might be manipulating everyone.

I’m a bad person and I’m getting worse, so I want to kill myself, but that’d make the people around me sad. So then my next option is isolation. Why can’t I be done. I want to quit. I hate it here and I hate myself.

When the self pity arrives at self deprecation station.

I envy you. Every moment
You can leave me.

I cannot
leave myself.

my life is very small

yet still I feel remarkably lonely