#spilled writing

You say you don’t like who I’ve become and what I do but I do what I do and am who I am unapologetically, you have never tried to get to know the real me, I hide it in a cage in the corner in the dark I reveal pieces of it at times, but I am amazing, I am hurt I have been broken and I make no apologies for how I’ve tried to fix what you broke, but before you judge me know you’ve only seen what I like to show. What I write what reveal by my gestures and words have more meaning and more of me than I will show anyone ever. I show you my worst parts, my broken parts, my desire to improve and rise above what I’ve been through. It may not be pretty or beautiful but it is me. I would do anything for those I care about no matter how much I’ve been scorned or looked diwn upon for my decisions. When I love I love with more than the passion of the whole universe. I will never stop trying for what I believe in and I’ve always believed in you, I let myself suffer and hurt for you to grow because it’s what you needed. Every choice I’ve made was for you, because I’ve loved you since the day I laid eyes on you. You’ve asked me why I love you a d how I could, but the love I have for you is intangible I can’t put it into words most of the time because it’s a never ending story you are me you are paradoxical. You are light and dark, good and bad, love and hate, logical and crazy, nothing and everything adds up and that is why I love you because despite it all we’re both standing here still, and if all this doesn’t make it clear to you I don’t think anything ever will. I choose you, and if you don’t choose me I will go on living my life, regretting that the best decision I ever made for us was the best and worst mistake of my life, I love you inspite of everything, I am still in love with you. Can you say the same?

5:45 ¼/21 j

“They say love conquers all so I can only hope that my love for you will work out in the end.”

5:31 ¼/21

“When I believe in something I fight for it and will do all that I can, so if you will let me I will fight for you, for us.”

3:00 1/3/21 j

“I’ve come to one conclusion about life love is all that matters whether it is returned or not it is a blessing to feel alive from it.”

1:15 1/3/21

But I can’t deny how I feel and have felt any longer. I understand how you feel, but I’ve needed to say this, because everytime I say good bye to you it’s the hardest thing for me in the world and I’m terrified it will be the last time. I was ready to leave everything and make the jump and move in with you when I was down here last time, I decided if you chose me over her I was all in and that nothing else mattered besides our blank slate. Instead I got a different answer not the fairytale I’d hoped for. I’m thankful for everything you’ve done for me and hopefully I’m writing this as an additional thank you for helping me move stuff into my house. I just needed you to know that despite all we’ve been through nothing and everything has changed, I realize how much I truly love you and what lengths I would go to for you, I’m sorry this is so long but you know how I get when my feeling and thought merge on paper. I look forward to hearing your response from this even though I’m sure it won’t be what I want, but I needed to say this so I hope you’ve heard every word. I will love you always. Thank you for everything regardless.

1:02am 1/3/21 j

I need to get this off my chest, ever since the moment I saw you I felt this weird connection and I had to know you, over three years we had a lot of ups and downs and instead of letting go like I should’ve I kept fighting hoping I could help. Eventually I realized nothing I did could fix us. The only way to help you was for me to leave. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and i didn’t want to but had to for you. It hurt me in ways I didn’t know it could. And I’m sorry for hurting you in the same ways. The last 6 months have been so hard but I knew it was for the best everytime you came back is push you away, and then you finally got to my heart again, I saw the change and difference I’d been waiting for, but it was too late. You’ve fallen in love with her and have took bigger leaps with her then you’d even have discussed with me. You love her more in 3 months than you loved me in over 3 years and that’s what hurts the most. By doing what was best for you I hurt myself but I also learned a lot. They say something if you love it let it go and if it was meant to be it will come back to you. My only fear is that you won’t ever cone back to me because I’ve never seen you look or talk about me how you talk about her. It breaks my heart, I’ve tried to move on in so many ways until I recently decided that what I’ve felt for you won’t change. The same goes for zach, sometimes when you meet someone there’s this crazy connection and feeling the first time you meet them and no one else compares. I’ve only felt that twice in my life abd bith were slightly different, and I can’t find it by looking for it it comes out of the blue and found me when I least expected it to. Bith times I pushed it away and did things I’m not proud of. I can only hope that life graces me with it a third time, or that those I’ve pushed away will come back to me again. Since I left Navarre you’re all I’ve thought about, you’ve haunted me in my dreams every night and in my daily thoughts. I won’t lie I’ve been sad and I miss you, but I told you I loved you and you didn’t say it back, and now I realize you don’t love me anymore and you only say you do when your lonely. That’s what hurts more than anything because every time you call I pick up and I always will. I never lied about that, I told you I would always be there and I have been, but this unrequited love is killing me. I can’t look in your eyes without seeing all we had good or bad, seeing how you’ve grown into the man I always knew you could be, but seeing and hearing about you and her destroys me inside. I’ve always wanted that fairytale love where you’d realize you’d made a mistake you’d show up out of nowhere in the pouring rain or something and tell me how much you’ve missed me and how you’ve been wrong all along and don’t know how you didn’t see it in front of you the whole and that you’d choose me over anyone in a million lifetimes and that you love me and only me. I’ve wanted grandgestures and something magical to happen when I need it most. It’s my fault as much as I don’t like to admit it I’m a hopeless romantic. Ever since I left I’ve waited for a this call or that you’d show up on my doorstep. Christmas and New Years aren’t the same without you and I cried almost those entire days hoping you’d show up or call. You never did you were happy with her. Happier than I’ve ever seen and it felt like I was drowning all over again. I like to think I’m amazing at these grand gestures and stupid messages and that they will change something by saying everything I’m saying like they would in a movie. I’m gonna say that I don’t think that will happen but a part of me will hope otherwise. So onto my last part now, I’ve moved here to the place I’ve always wanted, you moved here too before me, I can’t help but think it’s meant to be. It’s stupid and it’s silly but I want to wake up and see you every morning and I want to hold you before I go to bed and everything in between. I feel like I’ve made some mistake by breaking up woth you but I know it was what was best for us both to grow as people

1/3/21 j

“Do you know how much it hurts to constantly be there for everyone? To keep there secrets comfort them when they’re sad and pick them up from a bad situation. Then the one time you really need someone you’re left alone everyone is too busy or doesn’t care. They choose everyone over you even when you chose them over everybody.”

10:15am 9/29/20 j

“Sometimes you don’t realize how toxic a person is to your wellbeing until after you’ve left”

12:48 9/17/20

eyes weary

heart shaking

i see through the glass ceiling you’ve placed me under,

a lie telling me i’m capable of being the sun —

there’s no chance i could compare

when i remain enclosed in fear

to loosen my grip on my mind

because i know it would lie too

and tell me it’s my time to go

somewhere some fascinate,

somewhere you may hibernate.

wash us away and

like your body we sway

in and out of earthly light

then into travesties of night

i only see you in sleep,

where nothing is real

and time doesn’t exists

i’ll push you back to sea

so you can float with ease,

and become one with the waves.

you’ll crash at my feet again,

and tear my soul to shreds,

reminding me of the tragic truth,

of your existence never to be met.

the worst manifestations of you come to me at times of peace

then i awake in a sweat chasing you through my dreams

you are a tease -

a bone and i am the dog

running, digging, wishing

fear held me by the throat 

and I coughed up the hopes and dreams we said,

bloody red, dark and dead 

gone for good, 

never to be met or spoken of again.

“Light years away, yet you’re still stuck in my brain.”

- c.c

soulisticwrites:

“The world tricks you into thinking there’s a limit to your existence, when in reality the world has no idea of the universes’ entirety.”

- c.c

“Your memory is linked to my soul, keeping it hung in chains and making it sway between fantasy and reality.”

- c.c

“Look down the bottles neck and you’ll see what your life has been.”

- c.c

“Madness swarmed my soul then turned it into gold.”

- c.c

“for what it’s worth, i still love you.

i swear- i never wanted to lose you.

but.. i’m guessing that’s not worth a whole lot.”

-i never had anything to lose until i had you. c.r.