#blotched ink
How can you spend all day
Throwing your life to poems and proses
How can you waist your stay?
In a lovely location with your head writing lyrics
Well honestly I can tell you today
I didn’t waist it writing, oh don’t be mistook
To quote what Douglas Adams would say,
It takes much longer, to not write a book
i last cut my hair when you were awake,
when hair hung below my ears but above my shoulders
ive had it grow long for years you have been gone
kept it around for the sake of our fate
an act of self-preservation i thought
or for what now seems as delusion.
ends split,
dead weight remained from the mess i became
i cut it off, like a noose to life
defying the odds
i restore my truth.
a dream is a spiders web
entangling, but a home
each thread a bed for rest
each rest an ungraceful wed,
reminders of sacred times
where reality is on lucks side.
light breaks, such illusions dissipate,
within seconds of awakening the dream is dead
the grasp loosened, the home gone
— and the web is weak filament, almost false,
leaving purpose stranded
with no patience to hold
and its spider noiseless within calamity
the sun danced on Ector street
warming each home and those who roamed
I was only a visitor at the time,
life had wings and flowed with each breeze,
every hope and dream breathed from the concrete — the roots of your home
sun rays gleamed from and at you all at once
we couldn’t see past each beam
blinded by light or love
and we shared it unequally.
we rise and fall like each passing day,
we failed to last our eternity
or perhaps we have just begun—
the sun still dances on Ector street
maybe that is us.
hate never fumed in me as much as it has since i last saw you
dead weeds ripped from my roots and the hate swooped through
transplanted and bloomed all ready to weave around like your noose
it attracts all toxic traits, greed and rage
consuming its prey, there is no dying light only a blinding one
i cannot go gentle, i cannot go at all
rage, rage, there is no good night
only hate eats
and love breathes steadily,
then falls asleep
on your chest
where nothing beats.
poison remains in my eyes
because you’re forever not in sight
but i cut hate’s stem now and again
hoping you’ll revisit and make your amneds
or that this revival will
somehow mend the wounds of hate,
so my soul could breathe again
you wander through the waves
but your body lays buried
and your philosophy decays
each day you attempt to salvage our moments
where our lips met or cursed
where our hands gripped or stayed loose
and though the past is over and done with
you’ve created waves to crash through my brain
where these moments leak to my mind
giving your philosophy new life
and you remain through the salvaged kisses and moments
until i join you for what is left of our voyage
day breaks into new
for some to fly or fall;
you watch them scatter around trying to find their place in
fields of eight foot sunflowers or treacherous minefields
with their teeth out for the world to see they are happy
or expressionless to keep trespassers away;
you witness the madness in a new day
watching hope play mind games of her own
where sunrise is an imposter for change, and merely a chance for all
either to fly or to fall.
i store sunshine in a jar
pour her out when i am alone
run her through my hair
drizzle her on clouds for all to see
from a far away place unknown.
i use her to dilute all infiltrations of you,
making what all was once dark blue
shine bright as if brand new
sway from one side to the other
dance like you’re on waves
cause a storm inside their brains
capture them in your tempest
you are the mastermind who tied all the ropes
that knots your fans captive,
wrapped them into a delusional frenzy
but you hope they survive to see another day
because they are now your eyes,
seizing another opportunity at life
but thinking with your mind;
they watch the rain fall and wish it would drown them away,
they become enigmatic
while you attempt to connect through them,
but it is too late.
they have indulged you whole and your nourishment awoke them to frames never known before,
ones not in your own arsenal.
out of touch you stay
watching your tempest take place
in a far away life now
emptying the bottle you despise
for its creation of the noose
that took you down.
eternal gaze
stuck in my brain
is beginning to fade
because you’re away
in another space
trying to cement yourself
even when your soul,
will never be erased
eyes weary
heart shaking
i see through the glass ceiling you’ve placed me under,
a lie telling me i’m capable of being the sun —
there’s no chance i could compare
when i remain enclosed in fear
to loosen my grip on my mind
because i know it would lie too
and tell me it’s my time to go
somewhere some fascinate,
somewhere you may hibernate.
i’ll push you back to sea
so you can float with ease,
and become one with the waves.
you’ll crash at my feet again,
and tear my soul to shreds,
reminding me of the tragic truth,
of your existence never to be met.
i want to know how it is like to die,
maybe that would put me by your side
the worst manifestations of you come to me at times of peace
then i awake in a sweat chasing you through my dreams
you are a tease -
a bone and i am the dog
running, digging, wishing
do you wonder what goes on in my mind?
Always?
or from time to time?
fear held me by the throat
and I coughed up the hopes and dreams we said,
bloody red, dark and dead
gone for good,
never to be met or spoken of again.
shut eyelids feel like home when home is an abyss of lost hope.
where isolation feels secure,
and solitude is nourishment for the darkness.
“Last words that stung were the ones unsaid.”
“The world tricks you into thinking there’s a limit to your existence, when in reality the world has no idea of the universes’ entirety.”
- c.c
She was your first.
She was your first date, first love, the first one you wanted to build a home and have a family with.
She was your first.
She was the first to meet your family. She became part of your family. She was the first girl your mother loved for you.
Yes,she was your first in many things but she, too, was your first heartbreak.
She was the first one to build you up and break you down. She knew you as much as you know yourself.
She may be your first but she will never be me.
She will never be the one who would pick you up when you think that you would never get back up because she wasn’t even there when you needed her.
No matter what she does, she’ll never be able to love you as much as I do.
She’ll never know you more than I know you. She could never make you realize that you are worthy of every love one should give. She could never make you feel any happier and more contented.
My love, I know that I should never compare myself to her because there’s a reason why she’s there and I am here with you now.
I am glad, I was not your first.
You know what I hate the most?
I hate you for always being there for her as much as I want you to be with me. I hate the way you look onto her, the way you hold her because for a moment, I felt like she was holding my universe. I hate it when you always have to leave me just because you will need to fetch her and ask her out. I hate the fact that even when you left me, I am still a fool waiting for you to return. I hate it when you ask me about what she likes, about the things that make her uncomfortable, I hate it when you always pay attention to the things she love to do, while I am stuck here, seeing how persistent you are on waiting for her. I hate the smile you wear as her name flashes your screen. I hate the way you misses her. I hate the way you talk to her, I hate the way you bring her name on our conversation. I hate the way you tell me how much you love her and the things you are willing to risk for her. I hate it. I hate how dense you are. I hate the fact that after all these years, you never noticed me, but I am still clinging onto you. I hate the fact that I love you as much as you love her. I was here even before she came and I will probably be here if she decided to leave you one morning. The fact that I have to support your love for her and I can’t compete with her because she’s way better than me, slowly kills me.
I was waiting for you to look at me too, but maybe I will stay like this, loving you in silence.
—the danger of one sided love j.a
Take care of your heart.
Let go of all the people who play with it. The ones who don’t know how to handle it. The ones who took advantage of it and recklessly pierced it into pieces. Let go of those who see your kindness as weakness and take advantage of it. Let go of them so you can fully see and appreciate your worth.
Take care of your heart.
Make a room for the peoole who deserve to have a spot in your life. Fight for the people who will lead you closer to the One who will fill the void in your heart. You may not know them yet but when you do, keep them. Allow yourself to feel what true love is from genuine people.
Take care of your heart.
Do not let the world make you become jaded because you are meant to become a diamond. This world may go against you but that won’t make you less of a person. Your heart is worth guarding for. Your heart is worth fighting for.
Above all else, take care of your heart.
The same love, grace and care you freely give to other people is what you owe yourself. You deserve it too. Give that to yourself too.
This is for you, brave soul.
To you who had a rough week.
To you who had been under uncertainties and stormy clouds.
To you who do not know how much longer you can hold on.
To you who always blame yourself for everything that goes wrong.
To you who had lost faith.
This is for you —
There is something in you that makes this world incredible. You may look at yourself with flaws, scars and nothing but disappointments but you have you much potential and so many things left to do.
You are someone who’s born to be a warrior.
Fighter, better things are coming your way.
Hang in there. You are called to overcome.
Listen,
It’s going to be alright.
I know up to this point, things haven’t worked out for you. Things may not be going the way you’ve wanted and prayed it to be. Even so, it is okay.
You’ve put your heart on the line for how many times and again and again, you’ve come up empty handed. You never fear losing, it is just you’ve given so much, you’ve given your all and yet you had nothing. Time after time you’ve given so much and received nothing in return.
And yes, it is going to be alright.
You kept asking because you’ve sacrificed, you’ve tried, you’ve fought hard and yet here you are —questioning, wondering, doubting and worst may be, losing hope.
But that’s okay, that is okay. Keep your head up, conqueror.
Believe it or not, right now God wants you right where He wants you.
He’s mending you.
He’s prunning you.
He’s molding you.
He’s strengthening you.
He’s working in you.
He’s working on you.
And He’s preparing you.
He’s preparing you for something that is far better anything you’ve had before.
He’s preparing you for something that you can’t even imagine.
He’s preparing you for something you’ve been praying for, day after day, night after night.
The world may have turned its back on you but it is okay.
Maybe He’s preparing you for something that’s going to make you look back, and understand why He never let anything work before.
To the one who is continously hurting,
To the one who is brave enough to face tomorrow,
To you who is fighting silent battles,
Hold on.
Do not lose your grip.
Wait a little more.
So much goodness is coming. There may be mourning at night but joy is yet to come.
Hold on to hope.
Choose to love even more.
Choose love.
Know that He is good and His mercy overflows.
His grace suits perfectly in you.
He sees your tears.
He comforts.
You are not alone.
Goodness is here.
Goodness is coming to you.
To the girl who tries to be strong everyday,
You are doing it right. You always show to everyone that you are fighting hard after breaking down a million times, as if nothing’s wrong, as if you do not need anyone’s help. You are fighting hard to be the person everyone wants and expects you to be, and it is okay with you, they have never heard you complain.
You’re a woman with a big and beautiful heart. You are fighting battles you can’t even discuss with anyone because you do not want to be a burden. You try to be strong and help everyone when you, yourself, is helpless, you give encouragement to those who need it when you, yourself, need it the most. You always put other people first and they don’t even notice it. You have told yourself that you have no right to rest and that you have to always fight for those you love, at all cost.
Brave heart, I want you to know that God is seeing the narrative of your life. He sees every tears you wipe before you step out of your room and smile like you weren’t crying yourself to sleep last night. He sees how hard you try to be alright in front of those you love but you are dying to cry your heart out. He sees how heavy your chest is, He sees how much you bear the pain. He hears your silent cries, He knows you are afraid everytime people would ask you what’s happening and you won’t find the right answers.
Beloved, I want you to know that it is okay to not be okay. It is okay to rest and give yourself space from everything that is tearing you apart. It is okay to pause and breathe for a while.
So take heart, woman.
You are making us proud.
