#spilled writing

I still feel the pain of how silly it was to think we could stand against time.

In the end I realized you weren’t the one for me, but damn, I really wanted you to be.

I still remember how every time we would look at the stars we’d dream of each other.

The winter smell, the snowy days, I still miss you in our brighter days.

I still remember how beautiful you and I were. Our love radiating off our faces. Back when the world was still alive.

She could part oceans in two with her loving nature but there was a devastating loneliness in her eyes when she smiled.

You left in me a painful type of longing that drills a black hole into the soul.

All the breathless moments turned ice cold and with each breath came a thorn in the heart.

You can’t love yourself if you hurt others.

the afternoon bus

through the music in my ears for me and no one else the pitch of the engine ascends

we follow the downward slope of old macdonald street down to the sea and mountains

taking off into the weightless air skimming flat roofs and powerlines casting gazes upwards at an early moon

for one second I imagine us all strangers but so close

under pressure

the sky had never seemed more distant and more welcoming

I tore my elbows open on the cracked ground

I laid my head by the metal-link fence and felt the cold brand my cheek

through the diamonds I watched them say goodbye

pressed against the ground I wanted

I wanted some helicopter to fling me down a line

and pull me off this earth

I was tired, goddamm tired, of being scared and bloody

come on! lower down! bring me up!

but I could never say the words or feel them but as molten weights

instead I curled up on the crushed weeds and waited for the blood to dry

to scratch off the flakes and walk

I walked to the end of the chainlink fence and could I go any further?

up above there was only darkness

and that had to hide whatever scream I have

end of the factory line

this green velvet armchair  it said in the packaging that it can hold one hundred years’ weight quite a promise for a crumpled paper booklet (without staples!) I give it a couple of years before it goes, weight limit unreached.  there are no hundred years in surplus,  in cold warehouses there are a hot handful 

before this plucked piece of comfort, this unraveling shrine of contentment, this  glued hideaway falls

september 23

i am lying in this rain i blur like watercolor and people tell me it is good

i drop somebody, won’t you hold me? warm me up?

i can’t take the waking but the rain is good

winter blues

freckles of snow

anchor craves my skin

caught in this world and below

(we grew up near the ocean)

goodbye mother, goodbye father

rust of kin

music we small ones do not hear only the echoes, the thin wailing  our ears too delicate  sometimes we swim in infinite waters,  reach out and hope for life above us

we, so small, the deep the blue the humpback  so large, a shadow our smallness

crushed under the fathoms-weight smaller and smaller we miss the music we never hear, never hold not alive anymore 

we would die  before we hear

“Sometimes people surprise you…not everyone is a villain, not everyone will lie to you, there is still good genuine kind soft people in this world. You just have to keep looking.”

1:13 10/6/21

“Holding you is something more special and peaceful than words can describe.”

1/11/21 00:41

“I always loved you more than you loved me, I tried not to I knew I’d get hurt but I’ve never stopped loving you in spite of that.”

1/7/21 21:24 j

“From the day I met you I wanted you, now I want you again. I loved you once and I want to fall in love with you all over again and every time after that till we get it right.”

1/7/21 01:33 j

All I want is to go fishing with you and wake up to your face everyday and love you like I’m never going to lose you.

1/6/21 3:45pm