I think one of the strongest things you can do is live another day when you plan to take your life away. Please, stay alive |-/

Do you ever just want to meet a person on tumblr and talk to them about your life story while they do the same? Like I wanna meet someone on here who isn’t afriad to tell me about the shit they’ve been through growing up or what their goin through right now. I wanna meet someone on here who isn’t afraid to tell me their deepest thoughts…..or even about how their day was…..someone who will listen to my stories, and what I gotta say about my own life too. I don’t know lol I probably sound so crazy and stupid…maybe I’m just lonley.

The empty side of my bed always reminds me that maybe I’m not worth the love people have to give.

Sometimes I just talk to myself in my own head because I know that there isn’t anyone in this world that would understand what I’m really thinking.

Wake me up when this is all over.

My lonlieness and anxiety get so unbarable at night. I wish that I can just fall asleep in less than an hour. If I knew that sleep was going to soon take this pain away, I will be able to bare it until then….but when I lay in bed, not knowing if I’m going to fall asleep by the crack of dawn or after the sun rises, I panic. I get over whelmed with fear and sadness knowing that I’m going to have to live through an entire night of emotional pain again. It’s currently 11:34pm and I’m already afraid.

It is currently 3:50 am and all I want to do is sleep and forget about this reality for a while. I can’t believe that 7 year old me dreamed of being able to stay up this late.

An apology letter to myself…

I’m sorry…I’m sorry for the days that I laid in bed, without knowing or even trying to figure out your purpose for existing or without having a will to continue living.

I’m sorry that I doubted you, and your ability to walk this life with a genuine smile.

I’m sorry for living in that hopeless mindset for years and years, without getting up to try and fix it.

I held onto the thought of a potential life long failure, to keep myself safe from my own disappointment, when I’ve only really held you back from what you could have achieved. I’ve only pulled you away from the opportunities that could have landed you on a path of financial and mental wellbeing.

I should have treated this body like a temple, but instead I treated it as a landfill for hard drugs, bottles of liquor and slit wrists.

I chose to cope with the pain that trauma buried in the deepest part of my mind, in a way that only brought 10x more crisis and hurt into my life.

I’m sorry for the actions and the decisions I made through out my dismal years.

I’m sorry for all the times I’ve tried to kill you, without thinking about the second way out. But somehow we found it, floating in the missing thoughts that hopelessness hid from us.

So I’m sorry, but I also want to say thank you, because without the trauma, the horrible experiences, the childhood of pain, and all of the struggles, I wouldn’t have ever been able to find the strength I have now. I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the small things that a lot of people take for granted.

Thank you for helping me become the light when I stopped searching for it.

Why do the little things break me but when I’m experiencing a traumatic event, it’s like a normal thing?

Does the pain ever get so bad that words can’t even describe what it’s doing to your mind?