#thoughts
‘Κι έμεινα εδώ ν’ αναζητώ
και να χαζεύω τις ώρες που λείπεις’
24.10.20
30.09.20
29.06.18
28.10.16
Ξεθαβω αναμνήσεις.
Από το πολύ κρυφτό χαθήκαμε
06.06.20
Looking out over the ocean, remembering last nights lovemaking, tender, slow and sweet like always. Thinking how I wished he would put me on hands and knees and take me from behind roughly and passionately or take me over his knee and spank my bare buns with his big strong hand. How am I ever gonna tell him?
Everyday I say today is going to be better, that today is going to be a good day.
And
Everyday is a waste of energy, everyday is more disappointing than the last, everyday sucks more than the last
I’m hanging on by a thread and maybe just maybe, it’s time to let go.
In the real world I’m that girl that doesn’t eat, the girl who goes to therapy, the girl that’s falling apart.
But
On here, I fit in, I feel safe - comforted by the fact that I’m not alone, on here people feel the way I do, and I don’t feel so crazy anymore
I don’t know if I should be a comforted by this as much as I am, or if I’m even more broken than I thought.
My days lately feel so long, I exist from one day to another barely accomplishing anything.
My lack of sleep make things feel so much longer and tedious. I feel like I’m walking though sludge. My mind is a muddle.
Each day is more disappointing than the last but I don’t have the energy to die.
I’m just existing.
I love my dog so much, it’s like she has super spidey senses and knows exactly when I’m about to go off the deep end.
It’s like she knows I’m super upset and liable to do something fucking stupid so she just sits on me, gives me cuddles and demands so much damn attention that I can’t do something stupid.
She also reminds me that I’d be leaving her behind if I was to do it and I couldn’t do that.
My mind goes in overdrive a lot like it just can’t stop thinking. It jumps from one thing to another, so erratically I can’t keep up and the thing is nothing makes sense.
When my mind gets like this, my skin gets itchy like I need to do something and I don’t know what it is, I have this dire need to something, anything if it’ll calm my brain but nothing does.
This can last for a day, a few days, a week, a month and the entire time I just can’t think and I still have to pretend to be okay, pretend that I’m coping, but really my thoughts are drowning me.
Ramblings
I feel like one of those old abandoned, crumbling houses. Y’know the kind you cross the road to ignore because they’re ugly and they make you feel kinda sad.
I feel exactly like that, I mean someone could make that house nicer by doing it up a little, painting it, fixing it, but it’s not really worth it because that house will still be ugly and sad looking. It’s not worth the effort.
You might as well knock down the old house, make it go away, one less ugly thing, in this sad world.
I’m told on a daily basis by multiple people how dangerous this illness is, I myself realise how deadly anorexia is BUT I can’t stop, I physically can’t stop.
It’s addictive and uncontrollable - I know that no matter what goal I hit, I’ll always lower it because it’s not enough because there’s always more to lose, always a lower number to hit.
I’m unhappy being stuck in this cycle but I’m even more miserable without it - anyone who even slightly feels this way please get help.
I logged onto Tumblr for the first time in years. How strange, it felt like an empty and vast space, familiar yet faded. I can still vividly remember the excitement coming from 2011, the multitudes of creative people forging their own identities through the use of the platform. Connection felt real, heck, it was real. It was authentic and an online phenomenon. It sounds like a sentimental memory now, but if you were there, in the beginning of your artistic journey, fresh out of school, it was special. Those of us who had grown up with the internet were finally seeing it reach a peak of utilization and still capturing creative freedom. I would spend many late nights writing or recording music or thinking, then sharing these with the world. I befriended people from Oslo and Maine and South Dakota and Tokyo and Berlin and it was amazing. We all felt part of something amazing.
By 2014 Tumblr failed to move forward and began its slow decay. Youtube, Instagram, Facebook all became monetized, social influencers started to fill the waves with unsatisfying noise, and the landscape changed once more. I am not sure if Tumblr of its peak was ever replaced in another form. I am yet to find an online space that had its level of connection and creative standard than 2011 Tumblr had.
What am I trying to get at here? I don’t know. Maybe the slow end of this platform is just a reflection of life. Maybe being able to make peace with change is important. But if you were there on those late nights at the turn of the decade, you will know how magic it was. It was beautiful.
(Myself staring out into the night somewhere in the Alps).
Post link
monsters are real. and ghosts are real too. they live inside us. and sometimes…they win.
Love is a lie, we’re all empty inside.
Maybe we feel empty because we left pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love.
I wish I could look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted at what I see. I can tell my friends to be strong and to love themselves but I can’t do it myself. I feel worthless. Like I don’t deserve to be loved.
That shit in Minneapolis mainey, to think shit like that can happen 5 minutes away from my college campus. I go to that Target and Wendy’s a couple times a month during the school year.
