How lovely it is to have someone care
How lovely to know that someone is there.
How lovely to feel as lovely as can be.
Lovely is all I feel, when you’re with me.

When you’re gone, every rain drop seems to drown me.

Every shadow casts an immortal darkness

Every glimmer of light seems to scald me.

When you’re gone, all the seasons happen at once and I am both hot and cold. Burning from the absence of your cool composure to soothe me. Freezing without the warmth of your smile to relieve me.

When you’re gone it is both night and day. I am a child scared to death of the darkness cowering in the corner trying to separate myself from the dark that your shining eyes used to transcend. In the daylight I struggle to steer clear of the scalding sun that used to be overshadowed by your cool and calming demeanor. Keeping me under a shadow of clear and blissful protection.

When you are here I am the blooming daisies of spring. Painting a portrait in a brisk and bright meadow. I am a Popsicle melting in the summer heat bright and sweet. A leaf painted with the pigments of fall, gently fluttering to the earth below. The first snowfall of winter crisp and refreshing. A piece of magic a mystery for the mindful eyes of a child sitting idly by the window.

When you are gone I am the thunderstorms that haunt the spring. My tears drench the daisies and leave them suffocated without light. I am the summer child left to stare at my melted ice treat. Left only to be covered in a sticky situation and scolded by my mother who told me not to indulge in sweets before settling down to dinner. An abundance of leaves coving the yard. I must be raked and hidden away. Leaving the yard immaculate. Away from the chaos of missing you. A blizzard that leaves the world hidden away under a thick sheet of ice. Cold and punishing.

When you are here, everything seems beautiful.

When you are gone, everything seems beautiful, except for me.

r.t.

Blank Canvas.

To her, everything meant something

But she failed to find her own

Meaning

Until she dared to see the roses as flowers

And the stars as

Night

Deciphering symbols and mixed metaphors begging the universe to be her masterpiece

the rain came with floods

and the sun came with droughts

And everything had meaning which meant nothing at all.

The torment of seeing everything as an artist

Would paint the trees red and the sky golden

And the day the facade would fall

Was the day she saw the roses as flowers and the stars as night

No more chipped paint people

No more skies stroked with glory

Just a world

That for the very first time was a blank canvas

She planned to keep

r.t.

We speak without words
And breath without air
Our hearts compose without beats
And we shine without glare.

The earth seems silent
whenever we are together
The loudest of silences
Forever and never

r.t.

It’s shallow
But I’m drowning
In a hate so rooted deep
I’m lost inside reflections
An uphill battle that’s too steep

Taught to battle monsters
I keep fighting them with skill
forgot to warn me that the ones inside
were not okay to kill.

r.t.

Looking for all the right answers
in all the wrong places.
Looking to find myself
in everybody else’s faces.
Can’t keep praying
for what I swear I don’t need.
Can’t keep trying to understand
a book I won’t read.
I expect others to see value
in a place I never do.
I expect my plans to succeed
though I don’t think them through.
Obsessive.
Compulsive.
Right in all the wrong ways.
Seems like I’ll be stuck here choking on self-hatred
till somebody stays.

r.t.

An empty love.
Filled to the brim with high hopes.
He’s put his heart in plastic palms
His faith in paper souls
Searching for something real
Deceived by playing roles.
He’d tell her she looks pretty
She’d compliment him back
His breath was empty promises
His heartbeat hollow cracks.

An empty love requited
Better than a full one that is not
He fell for empty promises
Sought out beauty instead of thought
Why must he constantly seek a love
A full one to the brim
Then constantly settle
for an empty love
A love so paper thin.

A petty, plastic, cracked glass love
A hollow, skimpy, half assed love.

He deserved a love so full above
The brim that is unmet.
But settled for the easy love
His broken safety net.

He gave himself away too quick
Spread himself too thin
Looking for love outside himself
Before finding it within.

r.t.

The words became heartbeats more alive than myself
And the ideas became words
Books strewn on a shelf
Collecting dust
Just enough to cloud the mind
Picked up and swept away
A dusty dream to find

I hate myself for loving him
I fall a victim of his idle grin
His jokes are tasteless
His words are vain
But when I’m with him
There is no pain.
Just the subtle sting of wanting him mine.
I hate myself for giving him all my time.

Myneed to break free

From the clutches of rebirth and decay,

Dyed my fabric with broken paints

Of ‘I want to run, run away’.

I climb into the covers and try to hide the shame that I feel.

Trying to keep you from seeing how much I want to be destroyed;

let me be missing in action. Bottom of the ocean kind; washed

away, sins taken off of the skin I could never love. Full of hatred and

then… Release. Completely undone, my sobs sound like screams

being choked out; I can’t get ahold of the air. Underwater I struggle to

push myself out of the depths, out of the sadness [brokenness]

that I can’t help but embrace. [What would I be without this pain?]

You try to comfort me and I spit venom in your eyes just

to get you to turn your face away from mine, embarrassed by

the reflection of myself in your eyes. Yet you come back,

you take the shirt off your back to wipe away the poison

and wrap your arms around my body until I can no longer

fight you. Tears roll down my face as I gasp for air;

shivers run down my spine as you kiss away all of the pain

until I’m numb. I can’t feel anything except the high that you

bring to the forefront of my mind. You whisper, “rest” but

I can’t. I dig my claws into your back and bring your flesh to

mine; ecstasy taking away the sadness and replacing it

with lustful love. Addicted to the way you make me feel I

beg for it until you’re exhausted. I take until you break and

then the shame washes over me again. A sick cycle I can

never seem to break.

ReBecca DeFazio

More Than a Flower

We find each other again;

we melt into words that lead

to actions that cause feelings

to explode into the space that

we thought would be empty

forever. We crawl through the

briers that grew from trauma,

stress, and silence; misunderstandings

leading to mistrust and heartbreak…

Knees bleeding, we remember

who we are. In the light and in

the shadows; finding each

other’s lips, fingertips, and

hearts still alive; still grasping

for one another’s flesh…

For one another’s affection,

validation, love. We admit

that we will never find

another connection like ours

and we give into the raw.

We give into the now. Where

pride and fear of rejection no

longer exist… Where we’re

more than flaws and perfections.

We see the damage done and

kiss it away; begging for forgiveness

from one another until the days

become lighter and the love

becomes fuller. We remember

what it is to love; teenagers again

looking into each other’s eyes

accepting that we’re so flawed…

But so loved.

ReBecca DeFazio

More Than A Flower

Puis il y avait de la chaleur,

un bassin de beauté trouve en vous;

dans votre toucher, votre sourire.

Votre amour m’a apporté la magie

à ma vie, même quand je pensais

que j’étais perdu dans les falaises;

perdu aux fins.

Then there was warmth,

a pool of beauty found within you;

within your touch, your smile.

Your loving me brought magic

to my life even when I thought

I was lost to the cliffs;

lost to the endings.

ReBecca DeFazio

More Than a Flower

A series of polaroids of you and I.

1. The sky is dull; not a true blue like I usually like but I smile up at you anyways.

2. The air smells like ice and hot cocoa; you drink and then press your lips against my neck and it sends a tingle down my spine and into my toes which I can barely feel because I always refuse to wear boots in the snow.

3. Once I’ve stepped in too many puddles, you tell me “alright, jump up.” carrying me home on your back; I whisper in your ear and you grin beautifully.

4. We are sitting on the couch under the covers watching Inception for the millionth time.Your arm around my neck, our fingers interlaced, our faces pressed against each other’s; we breathe in the warmth from one another’s lips.

5. I’m standing in the kitchen, coffee in hand, crinkled nose, wearing your hoodie that is 3 sizes too big. My hair is messy but I am happier than usual; it radiates off of my freckled skin.

6. You are fast asleep covered in my favorite ice blue blanket from Kohl’s; my head lies on your chest. Twinkle lights shine down on us, barely lighting the room. My fingers are curled up in your chest hair while I sing “My Everything” by Ariana Grande quietly until I fall asleep too.

ReBecca DeFazio

More Than a Flower