me, immediately after coming home from an 8 hour shift having not slept the night before: what would happen I made coffee and then cleaned my whole house and then cut my hair and then masturbated for two hours

me, approx. 6 hours later, speaking to no one: ,,,did you hear that…? ‘twas god herself…,.,… wHISPERING to ME..!.. be quiet!!! be careful!!! i,m l i s t e n i n g

me, at work: yeah, i guess i’m kinda depressed, but i’m pushing through it and trying my best! need any help? let me take care of you :)

me, the second i come home: i wonder how much of this bathtub i can fill with my blood before i die

been away for a while but now i’m back because i’m drunk and listening to mama mia on repeat while depressed as shit laying on the floor so like if you’d wanna knife fight me in a parking lot i’d let you win

me depressed: maybe i’ll just cut myself so i’m not sad anymore and because who cares

me manic: Maybe!!! i’ll cut myself so thaaaaat i can prove I Am Alive and do some homemade scarification tattoos!! that’ll keep the demons away!! i hope my Friends think i’m Cool and not Crazy bc im for sure Both!!!!!

Meds haven’t been working right ever since I started back on birth control. I didn’t even finish the whole pack and I still feel fucked up.

I’m pissed I wasn’t given the pill I requested. It’s the one I’d been taking for almost 5 years, and the one I know doesn’t mess me up, but because it increases my risk of stroke (thanks again Zoloft for the weight gain!), I was given Lutera. Lutera has levonorgestrel, which is the same hormone that’s in Mirena. So it’s no wonder I’m fucked up again.

Besides destroying what little progress I’d made with my mental health, it also caused me to gain the weight I’d lost, and it made me break out even worse. It also gave me heart palpitations that still keep coming back. Mirena did the same thing.

Just give me the fucking pill I ask for next time.

I’m thinking that maybe Adderall could be to blame for me ending up messed up and in what is basically a mixed episode.

I was doing fine with it for a few days, then my period started/I started the pill. I thought it could’ve been the Adderall because I was taking it while on less Lamictal than I was on before, but so many other things happened all at once, and my hormones have been fucked up for months, I don’t know what’s going on with me anymore.

But I’m putting the pill on hold for a while anyway. I’ve only been off hormonal birth control for about 3 months after being on it for 5 years, and I’d like to see if my skin will clear itself up and if everything else goes back to normal on its own.

Plus the side effects of hormonal birth control are a little much.

I started the pill 3 days ago and I’ve been depressed and anxious as fuck all of those 3 days.

Normally when my period starts, the depression and weird moods end. They don’t usually get worse.

When it first happened on day 1, I thought there’s no way it could be the pill. I just started it.

Then today I woke up feeling fine and thinking the depression had finally passed.

But then I took the pill and I’m back to feeling like I wanna goddamn die.

I know birth control can mess with Lamictal, and I’m taking less Lamictal than I used to, but I’m so fucking done with my meds needing to be fucked around with. I was feeling good on my meds just the way they were, then I started the pill and now I’m falling apart.

The worst part is I have 3 months supply from Nurx and my parents paid for it because I have no health insurance, and it’s not like they’ll give me a refund, so just stopping is a fucking waste of money. Cancelling will cost me money too.

I just want my tubes tied. I got the pill now mainly just to make my skin go back to normal but I’m so fucking sick of it all.

Christ this was supposed to treat my PMDD.

And don’t tell me I need to “just stick it out for a while”. I was fucking suicidal yesterday. I’m not sticking with that.

I know that the way I’m feeling right now is just happening because my period is about to start. I know this because I track my moods every day and, after getting back on my meds at the start of the month, I’d been feeling so much better. I’ve only started slipping as I started getting closer to the monthly bullshit.

I know everything is gonna go back to normal soon. I should keep that in mind, but holy fuck does it suck.

Maybe my Lithium needs to be upped because I keep ruminating on things that make me angry and the Rage is hitting me again.

I know it’s partly because The Time of The Month is in a few days, and after I start birth control I’ll feel slightly more sane around this time, but goddamn do I hate feeling like this.

Y'all ever just get all kinds of rage when you realize just how much this illness has stolen from you?

My mood is a lot better and I actually feel like a person again. I even left my room and spoke to actual humans last night.

Lesson learned: take your fucking meds.

How long does it take for the fatigue from Lithium to fucking stop? Fuckin hell

Sometimes I Wonder..

Sometimes I wonder,
if you ever feel remorse
or understand the gravity
of the pain your actions caused.

I don’t think you do
or you wouldn’t continue,
to put me through the daily abuse.

Sometimes I wonder,
if you could go back
would you do it all over again?
If you knew now what you didn’t back then?

Schizoaffective Borderline and My Clarity Moments

So now that I’ve had my “clarity moments” at this guys house. I’m completely uninterested in him. He’s just a product of my manic episode. And I stayed the night. We didn’t have sex. I just slept. Had to sleep after that horrible trip I had last night. I just need to get to work and get ready and just get on. Distract myself from my problems. Work is a good distraction. I need to focus on that. No fucking guys. Seriously. I just honestly wanted to fuck him. I wasn’t considering a relationship of any type. But still. No sex either. Just stay focused on work. If I’m horny I’ll masturbate. Oh well. No. Guys.

Meeting with a new psychiatrist like

Walking back into group after weeks of ghosting them

“Why did you abruptly stop your medication?”

My psychiatrist finding out I stopped medication, drained my bank account, and moved to Antarctica to raise penguins

When the whole squad manic

When someone asks if you’re okay